aLL 'BouT 'Fe-Ar'

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

My wound have not cured at all and you sprinkled salt on top of it...

It needs a week for my anger to subside. I tell myself that I need to accept my team mates, for whatever thing that they did, what whatever flaw that they have. I managed to hold my anger and disappointment. But, it seems that people always take me for granted. I heard the word again: redundant.

Yes, this is the second time she said I was redundant. I could not take it, really. It hurt me so bad. I have done my very best to do whatever things they need me to do. I work like shit, even on weekends. Do I do weekends duty solely for money? No! I don't want to see my other team mates lose their life by working non-stop, so I am okay to work on weekend duty. This is not what I want. I'd rather sleep and eat and play rather than earn than twenty bucks.

But now I know, whatever hard work I have done is not appreciated at all. And I feel like showing them how redundant I am. I am considering to take a few month unpaid leave. Since I am redundant, no one will ever realize even if I disappear forever, right?

I am so so so so disappointed. Life is cruel.

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

One fine Saturday in the office
Contractor 1: Why you always work on Saturday?
Me: Hardworking ma?
Contractor 1: Go back, go back. Bye bye.
Me: ...

When I walked out of office, another one came into my way
Contractor 2: Why you always work? Never go out ah? You don't have boyfriend meh? Have, right?
Me: I am married to my job already.
Contractor: Aiyah, don't say like that lah. How old are you?
Me: 22.
Contractor: Oh, still okay la. But 24 must get married huh! Don't work so hard.
Me: ...

If I am that hardworking, none will say I am redundant.

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

Life taught me not to trust anybody

So many people lie to me, so many times I failed in judging people. I am disappointed with myself. I am disappointed with people. I am disappointed with this life.

I trusted people very easily and I judged people very positively, but in the end, I was betrayed by my own mind. Too many people have disappoint me.

I am sick of human.

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

I wish I could go back to the time when the topics of conversation were mainly your relationship, other people's relationship, school assignments and exams, and those TV series. I wish I could go back to the time when I did not need to wake up very early everyday and wear trousers and blouse. I wish I could go back to the time when most people around me were more sincere and honest. I wish I could, I wish I could.

Everything in my life has changed. I am no more a student, I am no more a child. When I was there being a student and being a kid, I saw working life as a heaven for me: no need to go through sleepless night for exams and assignments, weekends are free day for yourself, earning money for yourself. Yet, when I look back now, those days were my heaven, actually.

I just realized that I was too weak to face this world. I get hurt and I cry so easily. I don't know what is wrong with me, but I think I am not ready for this tough adult life. I am not ready.

I was so disappointed and I felt betrayed by how people treated me. I felt like people have faked me and I was so dumb to believe all of their stories. I was a dumbass. Now I started to query everyone and I felt so bad to myself as I was so lacking in trust.

I did not believe how people could just blame others for things. I thought we were working as a team, but why the blame should be cascaded down? Why did not us take the blame together? Although I was not condemned, I was not shouted at, but I felt so disappointed by how my boss blamed my staff. I felt even more pissed when she said, "All of you break my rice bowl!". If she thought her own staff broke her rice bowl, was it right for her to break her staff's heart? I don't think so.

I have stuck in this position for so long: I did the backstage thing for my boss to showcase, I had no power over my contractor, I felt redundant and invisible in the eyes of the bosses up there. But what could I do? I kept quiet. I was tired of doing my role as a Personal Assistant to my boss, but I took it as a learning stage. I shall not imitate her when I am up there somewhere later. I hope I can. I don't want my subordinate to feel what I feel now.

I am so lost. I feel like I am drowning in a big pond of shit and I will die soon. Nobody cares and I am the one struggling like mad but I still can't get out of this pond. I am dying and I will die.

I can't tell my closest one also. They have their own matters to think about. Why should I bother them? If I tell my mom and dad, they will be very worry and I don't want it to happen. And I can't tell bf since he is so busy right now. We even barely talk nowadays. And it is so difficult for us to meet on weekends due to my work. Sometimes I want to cry, but I always think that I shall be committed and I shall deliver my best. I am sorry for bf, I am sorry for myself.

I think I am too sad today. Even chocolate could not help me.

God, help me.

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

Saya memberikan bando kepada Kayra
Kay: Xie xie

Sesaat kemudian
Kay: Ii Fen Fen... *lari ke dalam kamar*
Me: *ngikut* Ya?
Kay: Ii Fen Fen, itu *sambil menunjuk kumpulan bando* itu punya Kaykay, taruh situ...
Me: Nanti kalo Kaykay ke mall, dipake ya... *naruh bandonya di tempat yang ditunjuk Kay*
Kay: Ii Fen Fen... Beli di mana?
Me: Di Xin Jia Po...
Kay: Kok itu doang? Tas nya mana?
Me: Tas apa???
Kay: Tas Barbie Kaykay...
Me: ... *Oemji dia nagih!!!!!*


Di mobil, hampir tiba di bandara
Me: Ray, ii pulang ke Xin Jia Po dulu ya...
Ray: Iya, ii di sana jangan nakal ya...
Me: ... *What???? Am I the one who is supposed to say that????*


Di mobil, Kay sedang main PSP
Kay: *menyodorkan PSP ke saya* Ii Fen Fen, ini mainya gimana?
Me: *bingung soalnya dr tadi dia main* Sini... Ini gini...
Kay: *mengalihkan perhatiannya ke benda lain*
Me: *akhirnya main PSP sendiri*


Kayra and Ray are so adorable!!!!

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

I had very fun days in Jakarta. I met my mom, I met my cute nephew and niece, we went to Mangga Dua, and I met with my friends!

I am so blessed that I have people who love me. And I am so blessed to have the capability to spend money for this kind of thing. I shall be grateful and yes, I am.

Now, I get back to my life whereby I am required to 'chiong' for my future career, but I don't think there is any promise in it. I have performed my best, but what I get is not what I expect. I still get an 'Average' like anybody else. I was kinda disappointed when my boss revealed the score to me, but I could not say much. I could understand that he also felt the disappointment because his boss failed to fight for him and he failed to make the boss fight for his team.

I don't know whether this is the right place to stay.We shall see. Next year, next year, I will update you next year.

For now, I will live my life to the fullest, perform the best and the most that I can. Whether or not the bosses appreciate me, we will see later. Atop of all, my team is indeed a beautiful team. I love them.

We shall see we shall see.

Yes, life is beautiful, but sometimes the beauty is covered with mud and shit and dirt. We need time and sweat to clear it, but sure it will be worth at the end of the journey.

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

Today is Pi Day, today is White Day, today is rainy day...

Early in the morning I woke up, it was raining. Until now, it is still raining. I can't get out of my house and go to the office. Zutt, I hate it.

So many things happen these days. And I feel that I am so blessed.

I am getting busier, yes. I learn more, it's more true. When I am sure that I do more that what a PJE should do, I feel useful, I feel great, I feel much more trusted and appreciated. I don't really know whether my fellow grade 1 colleagues are doing as much or more than I do, but I don't care. As long as I learn more, I gain more for myself, I add value for myself, I will fight for my future. :)

If I compare myself now with Febrina 9 months ago, I can feel that I am improving. I can't really see how fast and how extensive my improvement is, but really, I am improving and I will continue to improve. I am going to dedicate myself for the team's good.

Yesterday I heard some good news from my colleagues, and I felt so happy for them. No, I was not happy, I was more than happy. My mood lighted up yesterday and I felt so euphoric for the rest of the day! I wish them all the best and I will make sure I follow their step next year. I deserve it!

I told someone that I targeted to be the big boss of my company. It may be true and it may not be true. I still don't know whether I should or I want to stay in this line forever. If my choice is to stay, I will climb up for sure. I am an ambitious person and I will work hard to work my may up. I will make it a champion at the end of the day. I don't like to lose to anybody. :D

Ten minutes have passed since I wrote this rubbish, and it is still raining out there. Should I run into it and go to the office no matter what happen?

YOSH! A new day, a new spirit!

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

When people feedback to you, tell you something that you can change and improve, they are not trying to demoralize you... They are just showing their love to you, like a mom that always nag and nag and nag their children... It is love...

But you see it differently, you take it differently... And you complain about being nagged, you just don't appreciate people around you...

You say how can people who love you nag you and demoralize you... However, in fact, they care about you... They want to see you shine and be a better person...

But you are just human, and human can not appreciate other people so well... Maybe you can start to appreciate when these people have gone away from your life... Do you want it?

After all, it goes back to you... It's your ship and it's up to you...

I am tired...

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

I have been emotionally unstable these days, especially regarding how I feel about people. I am sick of people, I can say.

1. People tend to take things for granted
This is human nature. People take their status, position, authority, and comfort zone for granted. And they start to to pressurize, discomfort, burden, or even blame others for stuffs. I don't know what people are thinking, but I truly think that this is unacceptable. Other people play certain roles in your life, either big or small. Is it so difficult to be nice as other people are trying to be nice with you, too?

2. As they grow bigger, people tend to be nastier.
Yes, this is it. When people have no authority, they are humble, they are nice, they are hardworking. But, when they are bigger and more powerful, they tend to abuse their power and turn to the dark side of their personality. What they do is just blaming their subordinates and keep doing that until all get demoralized. Although people have done their best to deliver a good product, blame is still cascaded down only because of little tiny thing that they overlooked. I feel so unjustified.

3. People cannot appreciate what you have done to them until they lose you
This is somewhat true, am I correct? People are very weak in appreciating what they have until they lose them. People are arrogant, they can just keep blaming and blaming and blaming other people despite what other people have done to them. They can't just appreciate other's hard work. It is sad, extremely sad.

4. People at the top always take credit of what people on the ground do
Life is unfair yet unbearable at this stage. When bad things come, people blame their subordinates. But when good things come to existence, those people sip the happiness by themselves. I don't care what the position you hold, as long as you try the credit, I will tell you off straight on your face.

5. People are just humans, but humanity is getting no value
People keep complaining ad blaming other people about any single thing that bothers them. Is there nothing better to do? Are they so unhappy so they want to drag other people inside? Humanity, love among all people, where is it now?

And I think to myself, am I such a person too? Oh God, dealing with human and being a human are sure difficult.


U're the best I've ever had
 ~FeN~

So many things happened yet I had no time to write. Recently I have been so busy with works and stuffs and I almost abandon this space of mine.

I am sorry.

I felt a bit of homesick nowadays. I missed my home, I missed my family, I missed the idling time at home. I was sick for being so rush, so busy, and so pre-occupied with works. I just wanted a break.

Saturday and Sunday are now so precious for me since I need to works on alternate weeks. I am tired, actually. However, nothing can be done. I have chosen my path and I am responsible for it. I just hope that what I have been sacrificing now will be paid off later.

And nowadays I feel like my work is getting more interesting and my boss is getting more and more awesome. He is so deep, so knowledgeable, so steady, yet he is so humble and down to earth. I shall learn a lot from him. I shall grow to be a good one like him. :)

I am learning a lot through my 9 month journey here and I will learn more and more. I am grateful~

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~