Monday, August 20, 2012

Cita-Cita

Cita-cita. Jika bicara tentang cita-cita, saya punya banyak sekali cita-cita. Sejak masih duduk di bangku sekolah dasar, saya punya cita-cita dan sampai hari ini, jumlah cita-cita saya jadi semakin banyak, tapi tak ada satu pun yang jadi nyata. Cita-cita saya hanya seperti domba yang anak-anak imajikan menjelang tidur mereka: maya dan terlupakan.

Sejak kecil, saya suka menulis. Apalagi ketika guru-guru memilih saya untuk berpartisipasi dalam Lomba Bahasa Indonesia dan melatih teknik menulis saya, saya menemukan kecintaan saya yang besar dalam bidang ini. Dan saya punya cita-cita untuk jadi penulis.

Masih saat sekolah dasar, saya ingin jadi seorang arsitek. Entah apa gerangan yang saya pikirkan dulu, tapi cita-cita ini bertahan cukup lama. Hingga masa-masa jelang kuliah, saya masih menjadikan arsitektur sebagai salah satu pilihan utama untuk jurusan saya. Saya senang mengimajinasikan rumah yang indah, saya senang corat-coret bentuk rumah, saya senang membayangkan detail-detail rumah saya di masa yang akan datang.

Cita-cita penulis saya kembali merekah ketika saya berseragam putih-biru. Walaupun saya masuk ke kelas akselerasi dengan saingan-saingan yang tergolong berat, saya menulis banyak sekali puisi dan cerita pendek. Saya juga dilibatkan oleh guru saya dalam menulis artikel di majalah sekolah. Dan hobi menulis ini berlanjut hingga saya masuk SMA. Saya punya satu folder yang isinya adalah puisi-puisi dan cerpen-cerpen saya. Folder ini sering sekali digilir oleh teman-teman untuk dibaca. Saya juga pernah menulis sebuah novel (dengan tangan) di sebuah buku. Novel ini digilir juga, lalu hilang tak tentu rimbanya. Di lain waktu, saya mengikutsertakan satu novel saya dalam sebuah lomba dan tentu saja, tidak menang. :P

Juga saat saya masih SMA, dalam rangka mengusung cita-cita saya untuk menjadi penulis, saya ingin menjadi jurnalis. Saya sempat bersikeras untuk mengambil jurusan sastra bahasa untuk kuliah saya. Namun, orang tua saya menentang. Mereka tidak mengizinkan saya untuk menjadi reporter dikarenakan alasan keamanan dan jam kerja yang tak tentu. Saya mengalah.

Lalu, entah ini desire atau bukan, saya melanjutkan studi saya di bidang teknik. Teknik sipil. Ya, teknik sipil adalah pendukung arsitektur. Mungkin awalnya ini hanya sebuah pelarian. Namun, seperti kata orang-orang, tak kenal maka tak sayang. Lambat laun, seiring dengan hari-hari yang saya jalani, saya mulai jatuh ke dalam pelukan si teknik sipil. Dan saya kini punya hasrat yang kuat untuk mendalami dan menyusuri bidang ini dengan melanjutkan kuliah saya. Di akhir cerita, saya punya cita-cita untuk menjadi seorang Engineer yang expert dan bisa berkontribusi untuk pembangunan dunia.

Sayangnya, sisi lain dari diri saya berkata lain. Berdasarkan hobi saya dalam memberi ide, mengorganisir, dan menyusun acara-acara dan berdasarkan pengalaman saya selama sekolah dan kuliah, saya bercita-cita untuk melepaskan karier Engineering saya dan banting setir menjadi seorang Event Organizer. Saya memikirkan opsi ini dengan cukup serius karena saya yakin nantinya saya akan butuh jam kerja yang fleksibel untuk mengurus keluarga saya di masa yang akan datang.

Seperti apa yang saya katakan di awal, cita-cita saya tak ubahnya domba yang anak-anak imajikan menjelang tidur, tak ada satu pun yang jadi nyata. Saya merasa gagal.

Saya bisa bermimpi jadi apa pun, tapi untuk mengeksekusi mimpi saya, saya belum punya keberanian yang cukup. Saya masih seorang pecundang.

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~
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Move to Glory

The clock never stop ticking
Over the time with the same rhyme
Sometimes I am thinking
Being here do I waste my time

Life granted me so much
Too much that it's hard to taste
I'm so full as such
I can't even move and race

The world moves
The earth rotates
I am in a groove
Everything pulls me like magnets

I am stuck
Nowhere to run
Without any luck
I am just an empty gun

I dance with the moon
For too long I forget the time
Shall I leave this ball soon
Else the cart will leave me just in time

I shall make a move I shall make a step
To the stars above to the glory after the bend
I will climb to the height I will dive to the depth
The shine and the light will be mine in the end


U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~
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Friday, August 17, 2012

Dirgahayu Indonesiaku

Enam puluh tujuh tahun telah berlalu sejak Ir. Soekarno membacakan sajak proklamasi dan mengumandangkan kemerdekaan Negara Kesatuan Republik Indonesia. Enam puluh tujuh tahun telah berlalu dan foto-foto hitam putih telah berubah menjadi gambar-gambar bergerak dan bersuara. Enam puluh tujuh tahun telah berlalu dan wajah yang terpampang di kanan dan kiri Sang Garuda telah berganti lebih dari sepuluh kali. Enam puluh tujuh tahun telah berlalu dan rumah-rumah beratap rendah telah menjelma menjadi struktur-struktur yang menggapai langit.

Enam puluh tujuh tahun telah berlalu.

Banyak yang berubah.

Terlalu banyak.

Kekeluargaan yang dulu dijunjung tinggi sebagai salah satu budaya Indonesia kini telah terkikis egoisme dan individualisme. Tak banyak lagi yang menggenggam kekeluargaan, empati, dan simpati dalam langkah mereka. Semua hanya memikirkan diri sendiri, diri sendiri, dan diri sendiri.

Zamrud khatulistiwa dibangun dari berbagai suku, agama, dan ras. Perjuangan rakyat tak hanya datang dari golongan atau suku tertentu. Bambu runcing dihunus atas satu merah putih, tanpa ada yang membandingkan salib dan bulan sabit atau hitam dan putih. Namun, kini manusia saling hujam dan saling bunuh karena perbedaan agama, karena perbedaan suku. Apakah perbedaan bisa jadi alasan untuk melenyapkan nyawa sesama manusia?

Indonesia yang kaya, Indonesia yang subur, Indonesia yang makmur kini telah hancur babak belur. Hutan dibakar, banjir di mana-mana, gempa bumi meraja-lela.

Sungguh, terlalu banyak yang berubah.

Menyedihkan.

Namun, harapku hanya satu, agar negaraku Indonesia kembali menjadi burung garuda yang perkasa, yang mampu terbang tinggi di angkasa dan bersinar terang.

Garudaku, masih ada waktu untukmu, untuk terbang dan menggapai bintang-bintang.

Dirgahayu Indonesiaku.

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~
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Tuesday, August 14, 2012

I Wonder

Sometimes I wondered what would happen at this point if I chose the other path instead of this
And really
Sometimes I wished I had chosen that one

Though at the end of the day I will still be there
At the same place, same end point

A coffin

And again there will be a junction
To heaven or to hell

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~
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Tuesday, August 07, 2012

Up and Down

Life is sometimes taking you up there, at the peak of everything. You are so energetic, you are eager for every new day, you are just so happy for your life. Everything seems perfect. But sometimes, you are at the bottom, or even buried under every single shit. You are damned for every single thing, you are sick of your life, you are bored, you just feel miserable.

I believe that we will keep moving and moving and moving. None can be rest assured to be at the top of the world forever and ever, and nobody is so unlucky to be pressurized for his whole life. I believe that we need to feel the misery to enjoy the happiness to the fullest.

Yes, this is life. Keep rotating like a giant wheel. Keep flipping like a coin. Keep beating like a heart.

I am now at the latter stage, whereby everything just seems not right: your social circle, your activities, your time, your job, and even yourself. I need something to distract me, to bring me away from this boredom that will turn into craziness in no time. I just need some high pitched sound to keep me awake in this silent night.

When life seems so wrong, I should make it right. But how?

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~
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Sunday, August 05, 2012

Hidup


Hidup itu manusia dapatkan sejak tangisan pertamanya memecah hening dunia. Hidup itu bagai bayangan yang terus menempel dalam setiap langkah mereka. Dalam terang, bayangan itu terlihat begitu jelas, begitu pekat, begitu nyata. Dalam gelap, bayangan itu menghilang, tenggelam, berbaur dengan hitam.

Itulah hidup. Ketika manusia berada dalam terang, bermandikan kristal-kristal cahaya mentari, tersenyum lebar menyambut hari-hari, bayangan itu sangat solid, hidup jadi begitu indah, begitu berarti. Namun, ketika manusia sedang terjerembab dalam gelapnya dunia, bayangan itu hilang, seolah hidup itu tak lagi ada.

Hidup itu tak datang dan pergi, hidup itu tetap di sana, dalam terang maupun gelap. Hidup tak meninggalkan siapa pun bahkan ketika manusia terjerumus ke palung laut terdalam sekalipun. Hidup tetap di sana, menanti empunya untuk bangkit dan membawa mereka kembali ke bawah tawa sang surya. Seperti bayangan, hidup tak pernah pergi.

Mungkin manusia sering merasa 'tak hidup', 'mati', 'membusuk', dan perasaaan-perasaan lainnya ketika kita menghadapi berbagai masalah. Tapi hidup tetap di sana, menunggu. Manusia terkadang lupa bahwa merekalah yang harus mengendalikan hidupnya, bukan hidup yang mengendalikan mereka.

Manusia terkadang lupa. Manusia seringkali lupa, bahwa selalu ada cara untuk kembali ke kehidupan.

Aku hidup.
Aku dan hidupku sama-sama hidup.
Aku dan hidupku bersama bahagia selamanya.
Aku dan hidupku tak lekang oleh waktu.

And we live happily ever after...

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~
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Saturday, August 04, 2012

Mid-Year Evaluation

It has been so long since I last wrote on this page. I missed it, yes, but I was so pre-occupied with other things and it diverted me from this little old friend.


Time sure flies. It is now August and only five months are left to the end of the year. I am a bit frustrated by how fast time passes by. I am still nowhere.


Even to my own resolution at the beginning of the year, I am driving myself away from it. I was telling myself and promised to myself, I would be happy no matter what, but I stressed myself more nowadays. Oh my God, I am driving too far. Where is the U-turn?


As I am re-reading my post, I am ashamed to myself.


As a person, I wish I can be better.
-I wish I can always be thankful and grateful and be closer to my God.

I don't think I am thankful enough to what I have gotten. I grumble too much, I complain too much.
- I want to cultivate patience in my life as I realize this is one of my problems so far. I should hold my anger and not throw my tantrum so easily.
I can't say I fail this one as I feel improvement in my emotional state. I can hold my anger and disappointment better now.
- I shall continue to learn and read and gain as many knowledge as possible. Nothing should stop me from learning to be better in every aspect of my life.
Learning is continuous process, huh? No problemo! I learn a lot of things from everything for these 7 months.
- I also hope that I can maintain a good lifestyle: less fried food, less snacks, less carbs, more exercise. My target for this year is to be slimmer and have a good shape. ;)
I signed up with a gym since July! And I am maintaining my lifestyle now. 
- I should continue to save money for my future: either study or business start up.
As the pay increment and bonuses came, I spent more rather than saved more :(
- I wish I can have a firm idea of what I want for my future. I should not continue to walk in the mist and uncertainty for too long.
This is a total failure. I don't even know what I am doing now. I am just floating and giving myself up to the flow. I don't know what I want, what I desire, how to achieve that, how to start, and when to start. I don't understand whether this is my dreamt job. Sometimes, I enjoyed it, sometimes, I really wanted to run away from it. This is madness.

As a daughter and a sister to my family, I wish I can be reliable.
- As the eldest, I shall be the benchmark and I wish I can set a good example for my brother to follow. I want him to succeed, I want us to succeed, I want my parents to be proud of us.
I don't know whether I have managed to be a good role model for my brother. I hope I do.
- I want to have more time with my mom and dad: to chat more, to meet them more often. I hope.
I only went back home for Chinese New Year. But I spent a lot of times talking to my mom on phone and what's app. We had a great family time on our trip to China.
- I wish I can have two family trips this year: China and South Korea!
One has been achieved, the other one shall be postponed. I am going to Guangzhou at the end of the year for TBM inspection. Yeaaaah. Two China trips this year.


As a girlfriend, I wish I can be an ideal one.
- I shall not throw my tantrum like a mad dog. I want to reflect before getting angry. I am sure he never wants to hurt me, so I shall not hurt him.

Sometimes, I did, the other times, I could not manage my anger. But I am sure there is improvement.
- My target for this year: minimum quarrel, more understanding. I think we have achieved a better level of understanding in these few months, but really, we shall continue to attempt the harmonious living in our love life.
Oops, no comment ;P
- I also wish he has the same determination as me. Two is better than one!
- I really wish to spend the next new year celebration with him.

As an employee to the company, a subordinate to my bosses, and a colleague to my fellow team, I wish I can perform better.
- I wish I have better time management. I don't want to continue living like a zombie. I should learn to be efficient and effective in my working time frame. My target is to have a good performance and yield an outstanding result without sacrificing my personal life.
This one is achieved. I don't stay late, I don't come early, I don't bring back my work back home, yet I still can finish what I am supposed to do. I am proud.
- I hope I can hold my temperament when I face problems with my colleagues and bosses. I shall be thankful for everything and solve the problems from the inside. I don't want to grumble, I don't want to whine, I don't want to show my black face. I shall be cheerful as a sunshine!
Ouch, when I wrote this, I thought it was pretty easy, but actually it is very difficult. Too many politics, too many dirty games, and too many scary people around me. I fail.
- I will continue learning from everybody and never be ashamed of asking other people. I am new so there is still so many room of improvement for me.
Keep doing, keep improving.
- I really wish I can pick every good quality from my bosses and be a good asset for this world. I can make a fabulous lady engineer, for sure. :)
I am now in the state of evaluating those good and bad quality from my bosses and colleagues and I will not want to pick those bad things. I will absorb the good one for sure.
- At the end of the year, I hope I can gain some sort of recognition to my hard work.

As a friend, I wish I can be more involved.
- In this year, I hope I can be more sociable and meet my friends more often. I shall not trap myself inside my own world.
In progress, although sometimes I still prefer to lock myself in my own world.
- I also wish I can maintain my relationship with my old friends in Palembang, my CEE pals, my internship friends, my Indo NTU friends, and all new LTA friends.
I am doing my best




Now you know why I feel so ashamed. It's like, "I didn't achieve anything!!!!"


Okay, chill. There are five more months to go and change everything.


Be happy, be happy, be happy.


U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~
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