aLL 'BouT 'Fe-Ar'

Aku benci dia sampai ke tulang sumsum!
Aku dan seluruh diriku benci padanya, sampai ke sel-sel terkecil dalam tubuhku benci sekali padanya!

Dan aku benci sekali pada hairdryer-nya. Saking bencinya sampai ingin kubuang benda itu ke Nanyang Pond!

*Sebenarnya masih sangat banyak yang bisa aku tuliskan di sini, tapi sungguh tidak etis mengingat bahwa lembar ini bisa dibaca siapa saja*

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

"You look so tired!"
Kata itu yang sering kudengar akhir-akhir ini, dan itu benar.
Aku lelah!

I feel like zombie!

Pagi masih buta dan aku sudah duduk di sini menanti hari esok. Iya, aku lelah akan hidup ini. Aku mau secepatnya besok, besok, lalu besoknya lagi, lalu besoknya lagi, hingga sampailah aku pada akhir semester. Namun, jika aku menilik kondisiku dengan lebih realistis, aku sama sekali tak siap dengan apa yang mereka sebut ujian akhir semester atau exam. Hingga saat ini, aku merasa belum punya bekal apa-apa unuk menghadapi exam yang sudah tinggal sebulan lagi.

Aku ingin secepatnya menghirup udara 2010!!!

Aku sudah nyaris muak dengan teori-teori tanpa aplikasi yang kupelajari saat ini: menghitung ini dan itu tanpa tahu apa yang sebenarnya kuhitung. Aku belajar tentang pondasi, baja, beton, kolom, tapi aku sama sekali belum pernah melihat bentuknya. Aku bingung, sekarang aku mendesain tanpa tahu bentuk rangka yang sedang kudesain, lalu nanti, apa yang akan terjadi denganku? I will be totally lost!
Aku ingin secepatnya berstatus sebagai siswa magang dan mengerjakan apa yang seharusnya aku kerjakan sebagai insinyur teknik sipil dengan pemahaman menyeluruh. Namun, sampai sekarang, belum ada sedikit pun titik terang yang nampak. Hidupku masih menggantung dan aku benci itu.

Aku sudah muak dengan orang-orang yang terlalu suka menyatakan apa yang ada di benak mereka sebagai suatu kesimpulan tanpa bukti yang nyata. Heyyyy, you even don't stay close to me, and you dare to say such a thing? Who the hell are you????
Dan aku juga muak pada orang-orang yang tak mau mendengarkan apa yang aku katakan. Aku hanya ingin bercerita, aku hanya ingin mengeluarkan apa yang ada di dalam pikiranku. Namun, mereka tak mau mendengar hingga tinggallah aku di sini dengan kekesalan yang bertumpuk-tumpuk.

Aku sudah sangat muak dengan dia yang tinggal di bawah atap yang sama denganku. Aku tahu, tidak etis membicarakan kejelekan orang di lembar yang bisa diakses jutaan umat ini, tapi aku sudah tak tahan. Setiap kali aku coba bercerita kepada ibuku, dia hanya menyuruhku untuk bersabar, malah kadang-kadang dia yang menuduhku terlalu sensitif. Duh, silakan kembali ke paragraf sebelumnya.
She drives me crazy!!! Kebiasaannya dan kebiasaanku sungguh bertolak belakang dan aku selalu jadi pihak yang mengalah. Aku membiarkan dirinya membuka pintu lebar-lebar selama nyaris 24 jam sehari, aku membiarkannya berdiri membaca buku di depan pintu, aku membiarkannya loncat-loncat senam sendiri di dalam kamar, aku membiarkannya membasahi koridor dengan air perasan cuciannya, aku membiarkannya mengeringkan rambutnya dengan hairdryer super berisik miliknya, aku membiarkannya ini dan itu sesuka hati. Selalu aku yang mengalah! Aku lelah!

Aku ingin 2010, walaupun konsekuensinya, kepalaku akan bertambah satu.

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

Sungguh sempurna cinta langit kepada bumi

I was too tired with my life. My schedules were too compact, my activities were too much, but my energy was limited. I had no time to take care of myself well. My brains always ran in its optimum speed and never took a rest, even when I was sleeping.





My body couldn't bear with my overload activities. I was overburdened!
That's why I needed a getaway.



I was there for about twenty hours and did nothing. I just let them continuously checked and monitored me and told them what I was feeling. Once in a while, either doctors or nurses would come and check my condition. Yeah, I liked the feeling when they came and showed they cared for me. LOL.


And for twenty hours, I did nothing except worrying about my headache. I was completely isolated from the world, and now I have come back from my perfect getaway without my perfect health.

Speedy recovery!!!



U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

P.S.
A million thanks for Prof. Xu Daolin, Mdm. Wendy Gwee, Yanchao, Denny, Win Di, Jesi, Valen, Yessy, and especially Andri!!! I love you all!!!

Guess what I am doing now!
I'm crying.



I am crying alone due to that song.

Yeah, father, the other most significant person in our life besides mother, but sometimes, he is a bit forgotten. I admit, I seldom post something about my dad while I keep posting and praising my mom. It doesn't mean that there is no love for him. I love him as much as I love my mom, but to express my love in words, it's a bit difficult.

And now, it's time to say that I love him so much.

My father: a strong, hardworking, and brilliant man. He built his family from the very start line. He had nothing when he married my mom, but he didn't stop there. He turned the 'nothing' to 'something' and he became 'hero' from 'zero'.

When I was born, he had no money to pay the hospital bill. When I was sick in the middle of the night, he had no car to bring me to the doctor. But, he still attempted to go through them all. I could still be educated in the most popular schools at my hometown, I could still eat good foods, I could still wear nice dresses, I could still ask for more. He tried so badly not to make his family disappointed. He worked so hard to bring his family crossing the social line.

And now, voila, no one can underestimate him. Maybe he is not rich, but he is great!

Sometimes, I admit, I feel a bit annoyed.
He always smoked and went to everywhere with his cigarettes although I always told him to stop.
He always asked me to eat more and more although he knew that I was afraid of getting fatter and fatter.
He always told me to stop being so perfectionist. He wanted me to be satisfied by all my achievements so far and accept them for what they were.

But, actually, he is more than great.
He never scolded me for getting bad marks in school. He knew that marks were just quantity, while all he wanted was quality. He wanted me to be understanding-oriented, not grade-oriented.
He never asked for a higher rank or a better mark from me. He knew that I was always doing my best for the sake of making him proud of me.

I am very proud of being his daughter. He never differentiates between me and my brother. Although I am a girl, he gives me the same chance to do whatever things I wanna do. He knows that he can count on my responsibility. I will not disappoint him, I promise.

Later I will get my own life: my own salary, my own flat, my own family and when the time comes, I will say, "Daddy, you can let go now." sincerely, but now, I still want to be under his protection. So, "Daddy, please don't let go, bear with your annoying daughter longer. I am still your little girl and I still want to cuddle in your arms like years ago."

Really, I miss him more than ever now.
I want him to kiss my cheek once more like he did last week before I headed back to this tiny dot.

Papa, j'aime beaucoup!

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

P.S. Another song for papa from his favorite singer.

Semakin banyak orang apatis di dunia ini. Tak lagi mereka perduli akan kehidupan sesamanya, tak lagi mereka perduli akan nasib orang lain, tak lagi mereka pikirkan kebahagiaan dunia. Mereka hanya memikirkan egoisme mereka yang tak pernah habis: eksploitasi, uang, kekuasaan. Tak ada lagi cinta yang tulus, yang ada hanya cinta diri sendiri.


U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

clay

1  [kley]  Show IPA
–noun

1.	a natural earthy material that is plastic when wet, consisting essentially of hydrated silicates of aluminum: used for making bricks, pottery, etc.

2.	earth; mud.

Clay has memory. He remembers how much pressure has been burdened to him in the past. He remembers how people treated him before. He remembers everything.

When he encounters a pressure, he will take it seriously and start to consolidate. Even when the pressure is taken out of his shoulder, he still holds a grudge. Yes, he learns and struggles to let it go by swelling, but still, a big scar is there and cannot be removed completely.

After some time, he will adjust his life and try to be happy about his life. But, another pressure comes and makes him go back to his past. Again, he consolidates. He knows how seriously he should take any pressure. Based on his past experience, he will adjust the amount of his consolidation. He will try to ignore the pain and shrink a bit for smaller-than-previous-one pressure. He knows exactly how much to take into account. He will not consolidate more for less pressure. His memory is so precise and long-term.

human being