aLL 'BouT 'Fe-Ar'

This feeling...
Like I have failed in everything...

Everything cracks, everything has defects, everything fail...
I am stupid, from the first start...

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

I am living in boxes, from one three-point-five-times-three-point-five-meter-box to another four-point-five-times-three-point-six-box. I am living in boxes, twenty-four hours seven days. I am living in boxes, like a hamster.

One turns to thirty and turns back to one, I am still here in my boxes, moving from one to another and coming back again. Just like one turns to thirty and turns back to one. Just like hamster who live in a box.

I am a hamster. The only difference is that hamster is bought and moved into the box, while I choose to move into my boxes.

Sometimes I wonder, why didn't I choose to be an eagle, that flies free above the sky and get the freedom to conquer the continents. Why did I choose to be a hamster? Why?

Do I like my boxes so much till I don't have guts to choose to be an eagle? Is this life a good one to live? Is there any invisible string that ties me to my boxes?

I keep asking.

I keep asking.

I keep asking.

Unfortunately...
None answers me.
And none transforms me.

I am still a hamster, living in my boxes. I run on my static wheel in the morning, I sleep among the shit at night. I am a hamster.

I am a hamster, longing to be an eagle.

The more I think about you, the more I feel that I have been deceived. I don't know what kind of fate that brought me to you, but it was and it is far from good. Our life knocked to each other in an instance and I saw you as an role model, the first checkpoint I wanted to go, the motivation for me to shine. You were so kind and nice and good and whatever, until one turning point when I saw your true color and I discover your true smell. I was and I am disappointed, I felt and I feel deceived, I couldn't and I can't believe.

But this is life.

Now when I think back, I wonder whether you tried to poison my mind. You talked bad about this and that person, this and that boss. So stupid I was, I believed in you and my perspective towards these people changed so drastically. And you told me you were stuck in your position now because you were so 'clean' to be bribed and the bosses always took you for granted. Again, so stupid I was, I believed in you. You also complained about your own team, saying that they could not do their works properly, they did not have any sense of ownership, and thousands other side stories. Of course, so stupid I was, I was carried out by your story and followed the plot you created.

And I was wrong for so long. I really need to apologize to them, for making their image so blackish in my mind. And I really need to curse you, for making up stories and poison me.

I was stupid before, but now I am not. I know that I must not believe any words that came out from your mouth.You are a snake, an evil, a bitch.

Maybe I am wrong for confronting you in front of people, but I just cannot take your attitude to keep pressing people for your own gain. Do you think you are so great that people should worship and kneel under your toe? It's nonsense!

You and your pride, you and your arrogance, you and your evil mind are blinding you from seeing that most people are so pissed off with you. From your own team, other team, contractors, and the bosses. Maybe I am so bad to think like this, but I wish you get your punishment so that less people suffer.

I know I need to change. I shall be more patient and never confront you anymore. I will play a silent game from now on, as silence is golden.

I am sorry for confronting you so many times. You shall hear no objection from me anymore.

And to let you know, I will not grow up to be like you. I am not brainless, and I don't need to show off to let people see that I am working.

Maybe we will bid farewell in a while, maybe I will stay with you to get pestered every now and then. Who knows? Only God knows.

I am greater than you. You are just small fly for me.

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

Berada jauh darimu seperti menyelam. Pekat. Penat. Tercekat.
Merindumu seperti menahan napas. Pedih. Letih. Tak terperi.

Kau ada. Aku ada. Tapi kita tiada.

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

Menuju 999, menuju keabadian...
Ataukah kesendirian...
Aku bertanya...

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

I was watching Glee this morning when I jumped into this song: 'Fighter' by Christina Aguilera. There was such a chemistry for me in the song and I quickly googled the lyrics. Then I realized, it's a perfect match for me, for my feeling, for my life.

Five years ago, I was an underdog. None believed that I could make my way to study abroad and get a scholarship. Even my teacher teased me in front of the class. But because of them, I was so determined to prove that I could complete the 'mission impossible'. In the end, I really got it and I was proud of it. I entered NTU with a scholarship and graduated from there with a First Class Honor. So many hardship I went through to harvest the fruits. And I am stronger, much stronger than five years ago.

Now, another test comes in my way. One year ago, I was too stupid to realize that I could never believe anyone wholeheartedly. I thought people always had pure hearts and be honest when they were talking to me. But, that was not the case.

People are just damn fake. They lie, they act, they badmouth, they accuse. But in front of you they smile, they laugh, they praise you. Holy Shit, this is life!

So many motives are hidden behind the mouth and the brain. I will never know what people want from me, what people are afraid of me, why people want to abolish me. I am just a small little girl here trying to find my way for a success: for a better life, a self achievement, a continual improvement.

It looks like that I am being stalked from behind. The culprit is moving without sound, but I know someone is there, waiting for the right time to stab my back and kill me. I can see blood, I can see tears, I can see sweat all over my body. I can see that I will be wrecked and I will sink into the deep sea. I will be gone, vanished into the black sea.

Another part of myself tell me not to let anyone destroy me. I am strong and I will be stronger. If the bastard wants me to fall down and tear apart, I shall be more solid and more threatening. I will roar like a godzilla and I will instead destroy my opponent.

I am a fighter.

Thanks for making me a fighter.



U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

Maybe I am wrong for being too straightforward... Maybe I am wrong for being too rebellious... Maybe I am wrong for not being able to stand on your side... Maybe I am wrong for not being able to keep my dislike in secrecy and continue to interact with you as if nothing happens... Maybe I am wrong for countering your bossy impractical orders and requests...

Maybe I am wrong, yes I am wrong...

But you are wrong for always believing that you are right...

I don't know whether we can continue to walk together and reach the common goal...

I want to give up...

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

I tell her, butterflies have gone through agony before beauty stroke them. From ugly worms to lonely cocoons, they have to overcome all the pain and suffering before transforming into butterflies and flying high. And you are to overcome those pain now, so you can be the real beauty queen. I am sure you can.

And I tell her, birds drop their children from their nests, not because they do not want to raise their babies. They do that with great pain, I am sure, but they do not have any other choices. They just want their babies to learn to fly. So, you are now ready to be dropped from your nest. Tell your mom to do so.

I am sure you can fly high, like a beautiful butterfly, like a cheerful bird in the sky.
I am sure you can shine, like a twinkling star, like a rising sun.
I am sure you can be whatever you want to be.
You are the champion!

I love you, My friend, and I wish you all the best!

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~