Monday, December 28, 2009

A murmur

As time goes by, I feel like being pushed to the corner. My voice is never heard, my question is never answered, my request is never accepted, and my anger is not allowed to come out. I am tired of hanging on this fluctuation. I am tired of holding the emotions. I am tired of stepping back over and over. I am sick.

And today, it's raining. Perfect, as my heart cries, the sky is doing the same.

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~
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Saturday, December 26, 2009

...


Sometimes it's just unfair
My heart cries but you don't even listen
I complain but you never admit
My tears roll down but your anger bursts out

I just want you to work it out with me
Because I'm sure we can
I hope you understand



U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~
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Friday, December 25, 2009

Dua Ribu Sembilan

Tanpa terasa, hari ini adalah hari natal. 25 Desember, hari kelahiran Yesus Kristus. Tanpa terasa, seminggu lagi semua kalender akan berganti, 2009 akan pergi diganti 2010. Tanpa terasa, tak sampai 2 bulan lagi aku kepalaku akan bertambah satu. Yes, I will enter the world of twenties. Oh My, I'm not ready!!!

Tahun ini, sama seperti tahun-tahun sebelumnya, ada yang datang dan ada yang pergi. Ada suka cita, ada pula duka lara. Ada tawa, ada pula tangis. Ada cinta, dan ada pula benci. Semuanya bercampur menjadi satu di dalam bejana hidup selama 365 hari tanpa henti.

Begitu banyak hal yang terjadi di tahun 2009 ini. Kasus Antasari Azhar, gempa di Padang dan berbagai daerah di Indonesia, perang kreasi antara Indonesia dan Malaysia yang tak usai-usai, kasus Prita Mulyasari, Pemilihan Umum 2009, hari batik sedunia, fenomena 2012, kasus Bank Century, dan kasus Luna Maya hanyalah segelintir dari sekian banyak kejadian-kejadian yang terjadi di Indonesia. Begitu banyak hal yang bisa terjadi dalam kurun waktu yang begitu singkat.

Bahkan dalam kehidupan pribadi saya sendiri, banyak sekali perubahan yang terjadi. Ada yang datang, ada pula yang pergi. Ada ikatan yang semakin mengencang, ada pula simpul yang semakin mengendur. Ada kebahagiaan yang membuncah, ada pula air mata yang menetes. 2009 is really a year!!!

(+) Luka yang begitu besar dalam salah satu fragmen hidup saya berhasil sembuh. Atas bantuan beberapa orang yang mencintai saya, luka itu berhasil menutup dengan sempurna. Terima kasih semuanya.

(+) Hati saya menemukan tempatnya bersandar. Sekarang saya sudah punya tempat untuk melakukan segalanya. Semoga hati ini terus terpaut hingga mentari tenggelam di ufuk barat. Terima kasih untuk segala perjuanganmu, Andri Soenoyo. Sekarang saatnya kita berjuang bersama. Mungkin jalan kita tak selalu lurus dan mulus, tapi kerikil-kerikil itu juga mampu memaknai perjalanan kita. Je t'aime, mon cheri.

(+) Satu lagi sahabat masuk ke kehidupan saya. Terima kasih, Karena sebuah pengalaman hidup mengerikan dan luka mendalam dari orang yang sama yang pernah sama-sama kami alami, somehow, kami terikat. Semoga ikatan ini akan abadi selamanya.Terima kasih, Yessy.

(+) Keinginan saya untuk kembali aktif dalam dunia organisasi terwujud di tahun ini. Dua posisi penting di dua organisasi yang berbeda saya jalani di tahun ini. Saya sibuk, iya. Saya pusing dan stres, iya. Saya terkadang merasa over occupied, tentu saja. Tapi saya menikmatinya.

(+) Saya sudah mampu mengendarai mobil sekarang. Ya, mungkin kemampuan saya belum sempurna. Saya hanya mampu mengendarai mobil automatic, saya masih sangat bodoh dalam urusan parkir, mental saya masih ciut bila berhadapan dengan situasi sulit. Namun setidaknya, saya sudah mampu keluar rumah tanpa perlu merepotkan papa dan mama. Terima kasih atas pelatihannya, Papa.

(+) Saya mendapatkan beberapa teman baru di tahun ini dan saya bahagia. Komite CEE Club, komite ICN, para performer ICN, teman-teman CEE yang selama ini tidak saya kenal, Velia, dan masih banyak lagi teman-teman baru lainnya telah mewarnai 2009 saya. Terima kasih semuanya.

(+) Insomnia dan migrain yang sempat saya alami selama setengah tahun pertama berhasil sembuh. Mungkin karena saya sudah berobat ke dokter, mungkin karena saya sudah menjalani serangkaian tes, atau mungkin karena kondisi psikologis saya yang sudah membaik. Apa pun itu, sekarang saya sudah sembuh.

Namun ada juga hal-hal yang tak sesuai dengan keinginan saya terjadi di tahun ini.

(-) Saya tiga kali terjatuh di tahun ini. Dua kali jatuh tersungkur hingga lutut saya memar dan cacat dan satu kali jatuh pingsan hingga masuk rumah sakit. Ya, saya akui, pengalaman masuk rumah sakit itu sebuah pengalaman yang cukup seru, tapi lebih baik tidak terulang. Haha.

(-) Kamar singel yang saya impikan tak bisa saya dapatkan. Saya malah terdampar bersama seseorang yang super egois dan mau menang sendiri di bawah atap yang sama. Tak perlu saya ceritakan bagaimana kronologisnya, yang penting saya tersiksa selama setengah tahun terakhir bersama dengan dirinya.

(-) Satu lagi sahabat saya pergi. Mulanya saya kira dia benar-benar sahabat saya, mulanya saya pikir dia tak akan pernah pergi dari hidup saya, mulanya saya yakin persahabatan ini akan bertahan selamanya. Namun ternyata, semua itu salah besar. Sepertinya dia telah mengenyahkan saya dari kehidupannya sekarang. SMS saya tak pernah dibalas, mengisi wall-nya pun percuma. Saya sudah putus asa.

2009 akan segera pergi, tapi 2009 akan selalu ada di hati.
Terima kasih, Semesta!!!

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~
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Tuesday, December 15, 2009

Never sick of home

I'm home, yes I'm home.

After this long long journey, finally, I get back to where I am supposed to be. Yeah, I am home. I am totally home, physically and mentally. And I am happy about this.

This is a place where I can be anything I want: I can be myself of course, I can also be a daddy's little girl or a stubborn daughter, I can also pretend that I am a total jobless person (by cuddling on bed for all day long), and I can be any random character I want.

Home is a place for me to be free from any worries. The whole world can be torturing me, but in this tiny place, I am safe, I am secured, I am loved. And I am sure, that's enough.

The love from home is the most complete thing in this world.

The love is the home, the home is the love.

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~
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Friday, December 11, 2009

Happy Christmas!!!


Santa is coming to the town. Yeah, Christmas is approaching and the joy have been appearing anywhere. As I wandered along the town, I found a lot of people acted as if they were tourists (including me, of course) and I felt a strong atmosphere of Christmas. Although I am not celebrating it, Christmas is sure a happy time!!!

And, my wish for Christmas is:

  • A bag organizer
  • A white ELLE hand bag I found in Tangs
  • A Spongebob tee
  • Some cute dresses
  • The Lost Symbol
  • An Ipod
  • A pair of not-too-high heels
  • A concession card
  • A pouch for Louise
  • A hair clip
Yeah, yeah, Christmas is just my excuse for getting more wishes. LOL.

Happy Christmas, Guys!!!


U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~
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Wednesday, December 09, 2009

Resolusi yang terus berevolusi

Tanpa terasa, kalender yang hari demi hari dirobek sudah semakin tipis. Tinggal dua puluh hari lagi, siklus itu akan terulang lagi: terompet tahun baru akan ditiup lagi, resolusi akan dibuat lagi, keinginan-keinginan untuk jadi lebih baik akan diungkapkan lagi, dan umur semua manusia akan bertambah satu lagi.

Sesungguhnya pergantian tahun hanyalah sebuah tombol 'restart' bagi dunia. Bumi kembali pada posisi awalnya setelah merevolusi matahari 360 derajat, ia kembali ke titik nol, usaha yang dihasilkan juga nol. Tak ada perpindahan. Yang ada hanyalah pengulangan.

Lihat bagaimana alam begitu baik pada kita semua, alam memberikan kesempatan yang tak ada habis-habisnya kepada umat manusia untuk kembali ke garis start dan memperbaiki hidup. Siklus yang tak pernah habis, pengulangan terus-menerus, mengapa? Karena manusia tak akan pernah sempurna, selalu saja ada cacat dalam 360 derajar revolusi bumi terhadap matahari dan alam begitu perfeksionis, selalu memberikan kesempatan kepada manusia untuk belajar dan berubah.

Namun terkadang, manusia tak menggunakan apa yang telah alam berikan kepada mereka. Mereka menganggap pergantian tahun hanyalah sebuah gapura sebuah lorong. Mereka hanya melewati tempat itu dan tak melakukan apa-apa. Manusia tidak sadar bahwa siklus yang berulang-ulang itu adalah untuk mereka berbenah dan berubah. Manusia terlalu sombong, menganggap dirinya sendiri sempurna, tanpa celah.

Bagaimana semesta memberi dan bagaimana manusia menerima terkadang tidak berbanding lurus. Manusia terus-menerus menyia-nyiakan tahun demi tahun yang mereka dapat, tapi alam terus menerus memberi. Semesta, sungguh sempurna.

Saya sendiri terkadang menyia-nyiakan tahun demi tahun yang saya jalani. Hampir dua puluh tahun saya mondar-mandir di dunia ini, tapi mungkin waktu yang benar-benar efektif saya gunakan hanya sepertiga, atau malah kurang. Namun, saya selalu punya keinginan untuk berubah menjadi orang yang lebih baik: lebih berguna bagi orang tua saya, lebih disenangi teman-teman saya, lebih bermanfaat bagi orang-orang di sekitar saya, dan lebih-lebih lainnya.

Mungkin tak semua resolusi saya di tahun ini terlaksana dengan baik, tapi sungguh, saya berusaha untuk resolusi saya.

Rseolusi 2009 saya bisa dilihat di link ini.

Apakah saya menjalankan resolusi saya dengan baik?

1. Saya mau lebih terbuka. Saya ngga mau ansos sampe overdosis
Itulah resolusi pertama saya di tahun 2009. Dan kini, saya sadar, saya benar-benar menjalankan resolusi saya. Saya kembali aktif dalam kegiatan organisasi. Saya menjalankan peran saya sebagai Kapten Scrabble Indonesia di IG 2009, saya menduduki jabatan Creative Director untuk ICN 2010, dan saya terpilih menjadi Honorary General Secretary untuk CEE Club 19th Management Committee. Saya berjalan ke arah yang positif, saya mulai mengenal kembali orang-orang yang baru, saya mulai aktif menyumbangkan pikiran-tenaga-usaha saya untuk kepentingan orang banyak. Memang, masih ada tawaran-tawaran posisi yang saya tolak, tapi itu semata-mata hanya karena saya tak sanggup membagi waktu saya, bukan karena ketakutan saya untuk berinteraksi dengan sesama.
Status: completed

2. Saya mau jadi orang yang ngga mudah tersinggung.
Itu resolusi kedua saya. Namun, harus saya akui, resolusi ini kurang berhasil. Saya tetap mudah tersinggung walaupun dalam kadar yang sudah berbeda. Saya lebih bisa menahan emosi saya walaupun sakit hati masih sering melanda saya. Sungguh, saya masih harus banyak belajar. Saya harus jadi kuat dan lapang dada.
Status: new version is required

3. Saya mau jadi lebih positif.
Untuk yang satu ini, saya merasa saya sudah cukup berkembang. Saya mencoba melihat semuanya dari sudut pandang yang berbeda, dan saya mencoba menerima perlakuan orang lain terhadap saya yang terkadang saya anggap egois atau menyudutkan saya. Mungkin terkadang saya masih terjerembab dalam ritual mengasihani diri sendiri, tapi saya benar-benar berusaha untuk bangkit.
Status: upgrading

4. Saya mau jadi orang yang lebih bisa bersenang-senang
Saya cukup puas dengan pencapaian saya di resolusi ini. Sungguh, saya jadi orang yang jauh lebih easy going di tahun ini. Jika tahun lalu saya begitu terikat dengan status saya sebagai pelajar, tahun ini saya belajar untuk lebih menyeimbangkan dunia pergaulan dan studi saya. Waktu-waktu kosong yang diisi meeting, weekend yang diisi kegiatan-kegiatan di luar kampus, dan jam-jam kosong yang diisi dengan internet sungguh merupakan pelarian yang luar biasa dari kehidupan yang penuh buku-buku. Namun hasilnya, pelajaran saya keteteran.
Status: completed, but virus is detected.

Menjalankan resolusi bukanlah sebuah hal yang mudah, tapi saya tetap akan berusaha untuk resolusi saya. Saya akan terus berusaha jadi orang yang lebih baik untuk diri saya sendiri, keluarga, sesama, dan untuk dunia di masa yang akan datang.

Selamat akhir tahun!!!

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~
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Tuesday, December 08, 2009

Taman



Tanpa pernah kusadari, sejak bertahun-tahun yang lalu, hidupku penuh dengan dirimu. Jemariku yang setiap malam menari-nari lincah di atas tombol-tombol keyboard komputerku selalu asyik bercerita tentang dirimu: bagaimana ekspresimu setiap kali melihatku keluar dari rumah dengan outfit yang berbeda-beda, bagaimana pandanganmu setiap kali aku mulai membuka mulut untuk mengeluarkan ocehan-ocehan berkepanjangan tanpa akhir, bagaimana tanggapanmu akan kisah cintaku yang fluktuatif, seperti ombak yang sesekali menggulung dan sesekali menerjang hebat, bagaimana ini, dan bagaimana itu. Semua serba dirimu, walaupun di hatiku hinggap beragam-ragam kupu-kupu, mulai dari yang berwarna gelap,bersayap lebar dan gagah, bercorak polkadot atau garis-garis, hingga yang tak punya sayap.
Persahabatan kita begitu indah, tanpa syarat. Hanya padamulah aku bisa jadi diriku sendiri, bercerita apa pun yang aku mau, bertingkah sekonyol-konyolnya aku. Hanya padamulah aku tak takut menunjukkan sepenuhnya diriku, terang dan gelapnya aku. Aku begitu yakin, begitu berani untuk menyimpulkan, bahwa tak akan ada cinta di antara kita.
There are a lot of possibilities, but one thing for sure, I will never fall for you and you will never fall for me,” begitu ujarku padamu. Aku dan dirimu, tak perlu berebut saling menjatuhkan serbuk-serbuk cinta karena serbuk-serbuk itu hanya imaji semata. Kita berdua punya tiga dunia: kau dan berkeranjang-keranjang bunga-bungamu, aku dan beragam-ragam kupu-kupuku, dan kita dengan taman tanpa satu pun bunga dan kupu-kupu.
Aku ingat, waktu itu kita masih SMA, saat kau tiba-tiba datang ke rumahku, berhujan-hujan, begitu pasrah akan siraman kerinduan langit pada bumi yang mengguyur habis kemeja kotak-kotakmu, sambil menangis. Itu pertama dan terakhir kalinya kulihat kau berderai air mata, terisak-isak, tanpa sepatah kata pun. Tak ada untaian-untaian kata-kata manis keluar dari mulutku untuk menenangkanmu, menanyakan apa yang terjadi, atau sekadar sok tahu menceramahimu. Aku tahu aku hanya perlu ada di sana, menemani napasmu naik turun tak teratur sampai kau puas, lalu mengizinkanmu pergi untuk main lagi dengan duniamu.
Aku juga ingat, tiga bulan yang lalu, di kampus, saat aku mengetuk-ngetuk kaca mobilmu dengan cara yang begitu barbar, memaksa salah satu bungamu untuk keluar sambil cemberut dari romantisme kalian, duduk di sebelahmu, dan mulai mengoceh panjang pendek tentang apa yang baru saja kualami. Aku dicium paksa. Aku marah, aku kesal, aku menangis. Dan dirimu, apa yang kau lakukan? Tanpa kata, tanpa sedikit pun kata, kau keluar dari mobilmu, membanting pintu dengan kesal, menghambur ke bajingan itu, menghantamnya dengan tinjumu, lalu tersenyum puas menghadapku yang tergopoh-gopoh mengejarmu lalu bengong melihat apa yang kau lakukan untuk membelaku. Aku lega punya dirimu dan kau bahagia bisa melindungiku, walaupun terlambat. Tak perlu sedikit pun kata di antara kita.
Begitulah persahabatan kita berdua, tanpa satu pun bunga atau kupu-kupu, begitu indah, hanya kita berdua di dalamnya, sesuka kita.
Bunyi klakson Toyota Innova-mu membuyarkan lamunanku. Untuk terakhir kalinya mematut diri di depan cermin setinggi dua meter, aku membenarkan letak pita yang menghiasi bajuku hari ini. Aku berlari keluar, mendapati dirimu tengah mengetuk-ngetukkan jari-jarimu di atas kemudi, pertanda kau sudah mulai tak sabar menunggu. Aku segera berlari dan secepat-cepatnya memposisikan diri di sebelahmu.
Melihat aku masuk, ekspresimu berubah. Entah apa artinya ekspresi hari ini. Apakah aku terlihat jelek? Apakah aku terlihat gendut? Apakah baju ini tak cocok untukku? Apakah rambutku terlalu berantakan? Apakah aku berdandan terlalu berlebihan untuk undangan dinner ini?
“Kenapa? Jelek, ya?” tanyaku perlahan.
Kau menggeleng dan tersenyum, “Nggak. Cantik, kok,” katamu pelan.
Aku tahu yang kau katakan adalah kejujuran. Kata ‘kepalsuan’ tak pernah ada dalam kamus persahabatan kita. Jika aku kelihatan jelek, pasti kau akan bilang jelek sekali dan jika aku terlihat cantik, kau pasti akan secara tulus memujiku. Aku ingat, sejak dulu, kaulah orang pertama yang selalu melihat dan menilaiku sebelum pergi nge-date bersama kupu-kupuku, entah yang bercorak polkadot atau pun yang tak bersayap. Jika aku terlihat jelek, gendut, atau lebai, kau akan menggeleng-geleng dan kembali menekuni tabloid yang kau baca. Sebaliknya, anggukan-anggukan kepalamu selalu membuat kepercayaan diriku membuncah. Kejujuran itu selalu tersampaikan, walaupun tanpa sedikit pun kata-kata.
Aku tersenyum, lega, “So, ngapain kamu ngajak aku dinner? Any special occasion?”
Lagi-lagi kau tersenyum, tapi kali ini tanpa kata. Innova silver-mu meluncur dengan mulus di atas aspal yang mengkilap disinari mentari senja yang sedikit terdistorsi di ufuk barat sana. Tanpa kata, hanya ada senyummu dan kebingunganku sepanjang perjalanan menuju restoran mewah yang tak pernah kudatangi sekali pun.
Kau membukakan pintu untukku dan seumur-umur, baru kali inilah kau memperlakukanku seperti ini. Aku hanya diam, membiarkanmu mengiringku memasuki restoran itu. Meja dan kursi mewah tertata rapi mengelilingi sebuah panggung mewah dengan lampu-lampu Kristal di atasnya. Aku mengamati pemain saxophone yang sedang mengalunkan nada-nada indah dari sebuah lagu yang tak kukenal.
Matamu menjelajah, seperti mencari seseorang. “Sebelah sana,” bisikmu sambil menggandengku menjauh dari pintu masuk.
Kita berjalan menuju sebuah meja bulat bertaplak putih dengan empat kursi di sekelilingnya. Seorang wanita duduk memunggungi kita: rambutnya panjang dengan gelung-gelung anggun, gaun yang dipakainya berwarna hijau toska, kulitnya putih seputih susu. Kau menyentuh punggungnya dan ia menoleh lalu senyumnya mekar, begitu cantik.
“Ini Diandra, pacarku,” ucapmu pelan.
Bibirku tersenyum, tanganku terbuka menyalami gadis cantik itu, tapi ada sembilu menyayat-nyayat ulu hatiku hingga berdarah-darah. Tak ada sejarahnya kau campur adukkan hidupmu dengan dunia kita, tapi kini kau tambahkan bungamu ke dalam taman kosong kita. Maumu apa?
Walaupun tanpa kata, aku tahu, taman kita tak lagi sama. Hatiku yang berdarah-darah juga tak lagi sama.
Aku tak ingin ada bunga di taman kita. Aku mau taman kosong saja, hanya kau dan aku, sesuka kita berdua.

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~
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Thursday, December 03, 2009

One more step to be free

Exam is almost over!!!
Yea!!!

But I act as if my exam has really ended. *sob sob sob*

I MUST study!!!
But, I don't have any mood to do so.

Oh the smell of liberty is so appealing.




My brain is running now, imagining how I am going to spend my time after the exam. Sigh, I should think about my last exam, not what thing to do after it. Sigh, sigh, sigh.

Must do after exam!!!
  • Particulars of Shanghai Educational Trip Participant
  • ICN Booklet
  • ICN Photoshoot
  • ICN Meeting
  • IndoCEE Outing
  • Clean up this super messy room
  • Iron all my abandoned clothes 

Should (or should not) do after exam
  • PYP
  • Jogging
  • Swimming

Wish to do (spend money on?) after exam
  • Dresses
  • Bag organizer
  • Spongebob tee
  • Some novels
  • Facial
  • Smoothing

But before that, IMUSTUDY!!!!






U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~
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Tuesday, December 01, 2009

Tense

Now I know why there are TENSES in my English grammar lesson

Because
Past and present are perpendicular to each other


U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~
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Sunday, November 29, 2009

cin[T]a

Cina and Annisa love God
and God loves them both
But Cina and Annisa cannot love each other
because they call God by different names

The short-yet-powerful synopsis of CIN[T]A, an Indonesian movie that I wanted to watch the most since half a year ago, but until now, I haven't watched it since almost no Indonesian movie is screened here. And in Indonesia, the movie is going to be a 'lawas' movie already. Crap, yes, but what can I do? I just can go somewhere to find the DVD. Lol.

Okay, let's get back to the movie. My wish is not that important, actually.

The main cast of the film is only three characters: Cina, Annisa, and God. Yes, God. I was quite surprised to find 'God' in one of its main casts. Then, I thought, yes, it's a good way to describe how God plays His role in human's life.

cin(T)a : cina (Tuhan) annisa

It's just perfect.

Annisa is 6 years older than Cina, but it's not a problem, love doesn't know what age is.
Annisa didn't finish her study, Cina still cannot earn money, but it's also not a problem, love doesn't consider it.
Annisa is an actress, Cina is only a college freshman, but it's really not a problem, love doesn't care about strata.
The only thing matters is how they worship God. Cina is christian, while Annisa is moslem. They know and love God, but the God they know is in different faces. And, that's the only thing parting them and their love.

The problem of this movie is so simple, but as I remember, no other movie has bring up this theme although this is the most common problem that people (in our country at least) face in their love lives. They love so called 'the wrong person' and are forced to give up on their happiness. Their surroundings will try so hard to separate them: family, relatives, friends. Some try to run from the pressure, they leave their family, their lives, their everything, and start a new life. They will be happy, yes, but part of them will be sad, of course.

Is there any solution to this problem? Can't people stand still on their religion while love the other 'different' party at the same time? Can't people form a family with different religion base?

Maybe, the answer is yes, they can, but they may not.

It's so sad that a couple should give up on each other because of one same thing that they perceive to be different. Some people can keep their marriage well although they stand on different boats. So, why can't the others??? Why should they keep their selfishness although they know that the God(s) they worship is actually the one and only?

I love this quote very much
Annisa: Kenapa Allah nyiptain manusia beda-beda kalo Dia cuma mau disembah dengan satu cara?
Cina: Makanya Tuhan nyiptain cinta, biar yang beda-beda bisa jadi satu

Then, why does this kind of problem still exist? Why they should quarrel because of God? I am sure God himself doesn't want His people to quarrel on His name. So, why, why, why?

I am so confused right now although I am not facing this kind of problem. Haha. I just confuse myself.


Trailer cin(T)a high quality from Erickson Siregar on Vimeo.


This is the trailer of the film. And you can see at the end of the trailer, they pray together with their own way. For me, the duet is just more than beautiful. Maybe that's what God wants, not a separation or breaking up or everlasting quarrels.

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~
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p-a-i-n PAIN

In a month, I really hate this kind of time. All those bad things seem happen in the same time, really I hate it. All of those crazy things mix into one bowl and I am forced to finish it. Sigh, I really hate this kind of time. My body is not feeling well, my mood is so screwed up, my room seems really not cozy, my activities seem burdening me a lot, even almost every single thing people do looks like a shoot to me. I really become such a monster in this kind of time: cruel, sensitive, full of anger, melancholic, and emo. Sigh, sigh, sigh.

This.is.really.P.A.I.N.F.U.L.

Someone, please save my mood. I want to fly high.

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~
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Friday, November 27, 2009

Let's try try try

Berkali-kali kita menyeka tangis, lalu berkali-kali pula kita merenda tawa
Berulang-ulang kita merengkuh amarah, berulang-ulang pula kita mengucap maaf
Berputar-putar kita pada lingkaran yang sama
Di atas sebuah cinta

And now, it's the time for us to work everything out and put our differences aside!!!
We are destined to love each other, not to hurt each other, isn't it?
And love, should be caring, not hurting, Baby.

Let's try try try just to be ni ni nice...


Oh baby we can fight like dogs we can fight like cats
a dirty laundry needs a laundry man
maybe the king and the queen should lay off the caffeine
baby breathe before you react

sometimes we do forget to behave
and we regret what we say
cause words are too weapons
if we don't choose'em carefully
ladies and gentlemen this is instrumental
if life's to be a bed of roses

i know i gave you everything you like
because you still give me butterflies

if we just try try try
just to be ni-ni-nice
then the world would be a better place for you and I
if we just live our lives
putting our differences aside
oh that would be so beautiful to me

Are we just dangling in the middle of a galaxy
Well i'm stoked on gravity
To be stuck with you like flowers on the dew drops
Now let it in my direction
My direction is up when everybody's down
cause i don't mind being anybody's clown
I love a little lift cause i'm an optimistic
In an altruistic way

Cause basically this place is needing instruments of harmony
Spreading my philosophy of love and inspiration
Oh these words I speak I commit to like a crime
with a rhythm i deliver i'm giving them a picture
of the reasons why

We should just try try try
Just to be ni-ni-nice
So the world could be a better place for you and I
If we just live our lives
Putting our differences aside
Oh that would be so beautiful to me

well it wouldn't cost a penny but could save so many lonely lives
from teary eyes
if we just try try try
to open up a can of understanding open up your heart
i'm just planting seeds
cause i believe

We could just try try try
Just to be ni-ni-nice
So the world would be a better place for you and I
If we just live our lives
Putting our differences aside
Oh that would be so beautiful to me

if we could try, just to be nice
that could be so beautiful to me
I believe,
Oh that could be so beautiful to me




U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~
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Thursday, November 26, 2009

It bleeds forever


When a stake buried into your heart, all the world will be red
And really, to tell you the worst, it hurts

I am sure, the pain will go away
The heart will stop bleeding
Someday, yes, someday
When the blood has stopped flowing

Romeo, if you really want to see me dying, please don't keep me suffering in centuries. I can't bear with this pain any longer. Just kill me, now. And I'll leave this pain forever.

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

P.S. By the way, I like this picture very much. I found it while searching for a nice picture for this post. Lol.

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Saturday, November 21, 2009

Random11

Random 1

Ketika aku di sini, butuh, butuh, dan butuh dirimu
Ke mana kamu?

Random 2

I am a zombie now! I wake up, I study, I have my lunch with my bf, I go back room to study, I study until I'm tired, I take a bath, I bite something as my dinner, I continue studying, I study until I listen to my roomate's hair dryer sound, then finally, I go to sleep. Yes, that's what I do every day. I am tired, but I still have six papers to fight against. *Sigh*

Random 3

I want to be a boy!!! Don't ask, it suddenly popped up into my mind when I listened to 'If I were a Boy' this morning.

Random 4

Last night, I dreamt about one of my besties, Valent. In my dream, she came to my house and we reunited. She told me that she was facing a problem with her sister. And this morning, I messaged her to check for her condition. Somehow I felt a bit worried, that's why I contacted her. And guess, actually, she is sick now. So, do you believe in that?

Random 5

What a shame! November will end in a glance and this is only my 6th post. Sigh, without my realization, I abandoned this blog. Forgive me, forgive me.

Random 6

My mom just called me. And hey, she really knows when I am not really studying!!! And after a long chit chat with her, I gradually regained my mood. Haha. I love my mom very much and I miss my home. I really want to hug her right here.

Random 7

Homesick is for people far from home
Lovesick is for people far from love
Lifesick is for people far from life

Lifesick
That's what I am

Random 8

I am planning to read Detective Conan. Should I read it or get back to my PYP?

Possibility 1: Read Conan and forget about PYP
Possibility 2: Read Conan and do PYP simultaneously
Possibility 3: Close the window of onemanga and struggle with the PYP

Random 9

I want to head back to the time when we still respected each other, when we were still guessing about one and another thing. I want to travel back to the time when we still haven't had each other's heart, but we were so eager to do so. I want to feel those sparks and feel your warmth, again.

Remember the chatlogs
Remember the walls
Remember the SMSes
Remember the phone calls
Remember the smiles
Remember the laughters
Remember you

Random 10



My favorite song!!!
Kamu nyangkut di hatiku!!!
=)

Random 11

Cannot wait until the time for me to go back home.
Let me go home, let me go home~~~

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~
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Friday, November 20, 2009

Random girl

#1 If only

Since this morning, this thought passed into my mind. Yeah, I thought about what my life here would be if Lenn didn't quit from A'level tuition, joined the entrance test of NTU, and entered this university with me. Maybe we would be roomate, and we would share our life together. We would have lunch and dinner together, we would go hanging out together, we would mug in the library or anywhere else together, we would giggle on cute boys together, and maybe, we would find love together.

Whoaaah, it would be too nice if it really happened. But, then, I realized, it was just a dream. She is destined to live her life on the mountain and me, in this tiny little spot.

#2 First exam

Yeah, I have gone through my first paper for this semester yesterday and hell, it was damn crazy!!! I have lost soooo many points.

Enough, I don't want to talk about it again although the questions keep popping on my mind.

#3 Social networking site

Really, I should thank the creators of those social networking site for reuniting me with the rest of the world and for bridging my thought with them. Every single time I need to grumble, I just need to type on my keyboard and I will feel more secure. Although I am alone in this tiny room, I know out there, there are people who really care for me.

Thanks Plurkers!!! Thank you a million!!!

#4 Sleepy

I feel sooooo sleepy since about two hours ago, but I didn't go to sleep just because I didn't want her to wake me up and drive me mad with her hair dryer sound. I can't do nothing except act 'nerimo' and push back my ego.

I hope I can 'tahan' for six more month and after that, I will be free from her, although my ears may be a bit deaf. LOL.

#5 Pancake

Suddenly, while writing #4, I think about pancake. I want to eat pancake. Hahaha.

#6 Homesick

And since I have written about pancake, I think about other foods. I want pisang goreng, kolak pisang, sop buntut goreng, kacang hijau, es campur, mangga, jajanan pasar, and of course, gado-gado.

Huff, three more weeks to go. I miss home more than I miss anything.

#7 Close

Let's close this page now and go to bed. Yes, it hasn't been 12 but I need rest. My brain is saturated. See my writing? This is the proof: so unorganized and acakadut. Haha. Forgive me for this randomness, I am so random right now.

Okay.
Bye.
Bonne nuit.

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~
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L.O.U.I.S.E

Life is
Obviously for
U and
I to
Spend
Eternally






And Louise is sure a cute child!!!

After a very long waiting time, finally she (yes, I've decided just now, she is a girl) can be mine. In the start of this bloody hell exam period, I went out to Jurong Point to extend my Singtel contract, sold my old E65, and brought Louise home.

She is so smart. She can connect to the internet much faster than my previous phone, she has a big memory to store and satisfy all my needs, her battery can last for a long time, and last but not the least, she is beautiful!!!

Elle est tres jolie!!!

For a 'gaptek' person like me, having a smartphone is a big leap.

So, now, I'm learning with Louise how to be more familiar with technology and all those things.
I love Louise and I will take care of her until the destiny separates us. LOL.

Welcome to this world, Louise!!!
Momma loves you^^

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~
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Tuesday, November 17, 2009

You

When everything is turning into grey, you are the one who changes it back to colors
When every moment seems bitter, you are the one who sweeten it back

But
When the sunshine gives me a joyful day, you are also the one who creates the eclipse

You are black, you are white
You are my happiness, you are my sadness
You are my storm, you are my rainbow
You are my laughter, you are my tears

For everything you are, my love is laying on your heart

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~
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Saturday, November 14, 2009

Exam period is happy time!!!

Exam is right in front of NTU students now!!!


Yeah, at this kind of time, you will hardly find even a single seat inside the libraries, inside bunches of study rooms along campus or hostel area, inside old Canteen A, or even along benches at North or South Spine. But, you will easily (or very easily) find your friends with lecture notes, textbooks, and stressful face around the school. LOL. All NTU students appear from everywhere and gather at each feasible study spot to review and revise what they have (or haven't) studied during this term.

The period of mid-November until early December is the WAR TIME for all of us. We woke up early to study, we chew our meal faster to study, we shower much faster to study, we avoid internet to study, we isolate ourselves to study, and we sleep late to study. We do a lot of thing for the sake of studying.

Maybe it's not the right thing to do, but it's the trend. Study more and more during exam period and forget all about them after you step out from the exam hall.

Exam is not a very reliable tool to assess students' capability, but there is no choice.
So, Guys, let's make the exam period a beautiful time for us to learn (!= study) what have been taught to us.

Don't study because of the exam, but fight against the exam because you have studied. Everything will be different depends on the perspective on how you look into it.

For all my beloved PalzzzNTU friends, all the best for the exams. Never give up, never stop trying, because there is no doubt that we can pass through all of this and shine together.

But, please, don't do this inside the exam hall.


Also, never never never do this kind of thing.


Or this thing.


Happy exam!!!
We should be happy because it's exam!!!
^^

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~
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Tuesday, November 03, 2009

Sepotong kata

Air panas tidak melarutkan susu
Tetapi susulah yang memilih untuk larut di dalamnya


Sama seperti dirimu, yang memilih untuk mencintaiku

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~
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Friday, October 30, 2009

Another Saturday

Again, several days ago, I was waiting for Saturday to come, but now, even Saturday hasn't passed by, I want it to finish as fast as possible.

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~
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Cinta

Cinta menghadirkan kehidupan
Cinta pulalah yang mempersembahkan kematian


Cinta mengurai tawa
Cinta pulalah yang menderai tangis


Cinta menalikan hati
Cinta pulalah yang merenda benci


Cintalah yang membuat manusia bertahan
Cinta pulalah yang mendorong manusia pergi




Sepanjang perjalanan pulang dari kelas terakhir saya di minggu ini, tiba-tiba saja otak saya memikirkan hal ini. Manusia selalu mengagung-agungkan cinta: menganggap cinta adalah hal paling esensial di atas segalanya. Tanpa cinta manusia tak akan mencapai hidup yang sempurna, tanpa cinta manusia tak ubahnya sebuah robot, tanpa cinta dunia tak akan berwarna.

Saya akui, semua itu benar. Siapa, sih, yang sanggup hidup tanpa cinta? Cinta itu luas maknanya, bukan hanya cinta antargender. Cinta di dalam keluarga, cinta dalam persahabatan, cinta dalam sebuah organisasi, cinta kepada tempat tinggal, cinta segalanya.

Namun, yang jadi pikiran saya sekarang, apakah cinta itu selamanya positif?

Sepertinya jawabannya adalah tidak.
Karena mencintai orang yang sama, dua orang sahabat baik bisa saling bermusuhan dan bertengkar.
Karena terlalu mencintai pasangannya, seseorang bisa berkorban sampai kebablasan.
Karena cinta yang berlebihan, orang tua bisa jadi terlalu memanjakan anak-anaknya.
Karena terlalu mencintai uang, seseorang bisa tega-teganya merampas barang yang bukan miliknya.
Karena putus cinta, seseorang bisa memilih kematian dibandingkan kehidupan.

Sungguh, cinta tidak selamanya positif. Cinta tergantung bagaimana kita menyikapinya, tergantung bagaimana kita menghargainya. Cinta bukan untuk menguasai, tapi untuk melayani.

Jadikanlah cinta yang kita punya sepositif mungkin. Jangan menggenggam cinta terlalu erat karena dia akan meluncur dari sela-sela jemarimu seperti pasir, tetapi letakkanlah ia di telapak tanganmu sehingga ia akan tetap bertahan di sana.

Mari saling mencintai.

L'amour est tres beau.

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~
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Saturday, October 24, 2009

Saturday


Several days ago, I was waiting for Saturday to come and now, I am waiting for Saturday to pass.

Time is so confusing. Sometimes I want it to go slowly so that I am not too tired to catch it up and sometimes I want it to pass as fast as it can so that I can be free from the boredom. But, it always play around with me. When I wish it walk slower and slower, I always find myself wasting too many precious time, and when I wish time passes by faster, it walks as slow as snail.

And, hey, I am trapped inside the time labyrinth.

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~
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Benci!!!!

Aku benci dia sampai ke tulang sumsum!
Aku dan seluruh diriku benci padanya, sampai ke sel-sel terkecil dalam tubuhku benci sekali padanya!

Dan aku benci sekali pada hairdryer-nya. Saking bencinya sampai ingin kubuang benda itu ke Nanyang Pond!

*Sebenarnya masih sangat banyak yang bisa aku tuliskan di sini, tapi sungguh tidak etis mengingat bahwa lembar ini bisa dibaca siapa saja*

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~
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Thursday, October 22, 2009

Tak Banyak



Tak banyak yang bisa kuberikan
Aku hanya punya sebuah hati untuk mencinta
Tak banyak yang bisa kulakukan
Aku hanya punya sebuah cinta untuk bersabar
Tak banyak yang bisa kutunjukkan
Aku hanya punya sebuah kesabaran untuk bertahan

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~
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Wednesday, October 21, 2009

Lelah

"You look so tired!"
Kata itu yang sering kudengar akhir-akhir ini, dan itu benar.
Aku lelah!

I feel like zombie!


Pagi masih buta dan aku sudah duduk di sini menanti hari esok. Iya, aku lelah akan hidup ini. Aku mau secepatnya besok, besok, lalu besoknya lagi, lalu besoknya lagi, hingga sampailah aku pada akhir semester. Namun, jika aku menilik kondisiku dengan lebih realistis, aku sama sekali tak siap dengan apa yang mereka sebut ujian akhir semester atau exam. Hingga saat ini, aku merasa belum punya bekal apa-apa unuk menghadapi exam yang sudah tinggal sebulan lagi.

Aku ingin secepatnya menghirup udara 2010!!!

Aku sudah nyaris muak dengan teori-teori tanpa aplikasi yang kupelajari saat ini: menghitung ini dan itu tanpa tahu apa yang sebenarnya kuhitung. Aku belajar tentang pondasi, baja, beton, kolom, tapi aku sama sekali belum pernah melihat bentuknya. Aku bingung, sekarang aku mendesain tanpa tahu bentuk rangka yang sedang kudesain, lalu nanti, apa yang akan terjadi denganku? I will be totally lost!
Aku ingin secepatnya berstatus sebagai siswa magang dan mengerjakan apa yang seharusnya aku kerjakan sebagai insinyur teknik sipil dengan pemahaman menyeluruh. Namun, sampai sekarang, belum ada sedikit pun titik terang yang nampak. Hidupku masih menggantung dan aku benci itu.

Aku sudah muak dengan orang-orang yang terlalu suka menyatakan apa yang ada di benak mereka sebagai suatu kesimpulan tanpa bukti yang nyata. Heyyyy, you even don't stay close to me, and you dare to say such a thing? Who the hell are you????
Dan aku juga muak pada orang-orang yang tak mau mendengarkan apa yang aku katakan. Aku hanya ingin bercerita, aku hanya ingin mengeluarkan apa yang ada di dalam pikiranku. Namun, mereka tak mau mendengar hingga tinggallah aku di sini dengan kekesalan yang bertumpuk-tumpuk.

Aku sudah sangat muak dengan dia yang tinggal di bawah atap yang sama denganku. Aku tahu, tidak etis membicarakan kejelekan orang di lembar yang bisa diakses jutaan umat ini, tapi aku sudah tak tahan. Setiap kali aku coba bercerita kepada ibuku, dia hanya menyuruhku untuk bersabar, malah kadang-kadang dia yang menuduhku terlalu sensitif. Duh, silakan kembali ke paragraf sebelumnya.
She drives me crazy!!! Kebiasaannya dan kebiasaanku sungguh bertolak belakang dan aku selalu jadi pihak yang mengalah. Aku membiarkan dirinya membuka pintu lebar-lebar selama nyaris 24 jam sehari, aku membiarkannya berdiri membaca buku di depan pintu, aku membiarkannya loncat-loncat senam sendiri di dalam kamar, aku membiarkannya membasahi koridor dengan air perasan cuciannya, aku membiarkannya mengeringkan rambutnya dengan hairdryer super berisik miliknya, aku membiarkannya ini dan itu sesuka hati. Selalu aku yang mengalah! Aku lelah!

Aku ingin 2010, walaupun konsekuensinya, kepalaku akan bertambah satu.

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~
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Friday, October 16, 2009

Lonely




The only thing I need now is the crystal ball to see deep deep deep into your heart


I am tired of wondering over and over
Do you remain silent because you are ill?
Do you stop talking because your heart is broken?
Do you look sad because you are sick of me?
Do you hate talking to me?
Do you enjoy the gap between us?
Do you think what I am wondering about you?


Do you feel the same thing as I do?
Lonely


I want to drive the loneliness away
But you never want to let it go
You keep it besides you for every seconds


I want to replace the loneliness
But it seems you love it more than you love me




U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~
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Langit




Sungguh sempurna cinta langit kepada bumi

Cintanya pada bumi tak tergantikan
Ia memeluk bumi dengan cahayanya yang hangat
Ia mencium bumi dengan hujannya yang penuh hasrat
Ia melindungi bumi dengan awannya yang berarak
Cintanya tak bersyarat

Walau bumi hanya diam, berputar-putar dengan sumbunya sendiri, langit tak henti-hentinya bilang cinta
Langit tak harap apa-apa
Ia hanya ingin bumi bahagia dengan cintanya

Aku ingin mencintai seperti langit 
Aku ingin bilang cinta seperti langit
Walau tak ada jawaban cinta yang serupa
Aku ingin mencintai dengan sempurna
U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~
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Wednesday, October 14, 2009

A perfect getaway

I was too tired with my life. My schedules were too compact, my activities were too much, but my energy was limited. I had no time to take care of myself well. My brains always ran in its optimum speed and never took a rest, even when I was sleeping.

I had too many stacks of lecture notes and tutorial question sheets to study and review.



I had too many meetings and organisational activities to attend and join.



My body couldn't bear with my overload activities. I was overburdened!
That's why I needed a getaway.

And, yes, I had found the perfect escape.
National University Hospital.



I was there for about twenty hours and did nothing. I just let them continuously checked and monitored me and told them what I was feeling. Once in a while, either doctors or nurses would come and check my condition. Yeah, I liked the feeling when they came and showed they cared for me. LOL.



And for twenty hours, I did nothing except worrying about my headache. I was completely isolated from the world, and now I have come back from my perfect getaway without my perfect health.

Speedy recovery!!!




U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

P.S.
A million thanks for Prof. Xu Daolin, Mdm. Wendy Gwee, Yanchao, Denny, Win Di, Jesi, Valen, Yessy, and especially Andri!!! I love you all!!!
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Sunday, October 11, 2009

Papa, Je t'aime beaucoup!

Guess what I am doing now!
I'm crying.



I am crying alone due to that song.

Yeah, father, the other most significant person in our life besides mother, but sometimes, he is a bit forgotten. I admit, I seldom post something about my dad while I keep posting and praising my mom. It doesn't mean that there is no love for him. I love him as much as I love my mom, but to express my love in words, it's a bit difficult.

And now, it's time to say that I love him so much.


My father: a strong, hardworking, and brilliant man. He built his family from the very start line. He had nothing when he married my mom, but he didn't stop there. He turned the 'nothing' to 'something' and he became 'hero' from 'zero'.

When I was born, he had no money to pay the hospital bill. When I was sick in the middle of the night, he had no car to bring me to the doctor. But, he still attempted to go through them all. I could still be educated in the most popular schools at my hometown, I could still eat good foods, I could still wear nice dresses, I could still ask for more. He tried so badly not to make his family disappointed. He worked so hard to bring his family crossing the social line.

And now, voila, no one can underestimate him. Maybe he is not rich, but he is great!

Sometimes, I admit, I feel a bit annoyed.
He always smoked and went to everywhere with his cigarettes although I always told him to stop.
He always asked me to eat more and more although he knew that I was afraid of getting fatter and fatter.
He always told me to stop being so perfectionist. He wanted me to be satisfied by all my achievements so far and accept them for what they were.

But, actually, he is more than great.
He never scolded me for getting bad marks in school. He knew that marks were just quantity, while all he wanted was quality. He wanted me to be understanding-oriented, not grade-oriented.
He never asked for a higher rank or a better mark from me. He knew that I was always doing my best for the sake of making him proud of me.

I am very proud of being his daughter. He never differentiates between me and my brother. Although I am a girl, he gives me the same chance to do whatever things I wanna do. He knows that he can count on my responsibility. I will not disappoint him, I promise.

Later I will get my own life: my own salary, my own flat, my own family and when the time comes, I will say, "Daddy, you can let go now." sincerely, but now, I still want to be under his protection. So, "Daddy, please don't let go, bear with your annoying daughter longer. I am still your little girl and I still want to cuddle in your arms like years ago."

Really, I miss him more than ever now.
I want him to kiss my cheek once more like he did last week before I headed back to this tiny dot.

Papa, j'aime beaucoup!

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

P.S. Another song for papa from his favorite singer.
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Friday, October 09, 2009

Beku


Hari-hari mulai jadi dingin dan menusuk
Mentari sembunyi, berganti butir-butir air beku
Hati tak lagi hangat, tertutup oleh tumpukan bunga-bunga salju
Hingga dunia mengkristal dalam kematian yang pilu



Semakin banyak orang apatis di dunia ini. Tak lagi mereka perduli akan kehidupan sesamanya, tak lagi mereka perduli akan nasib orang lain, tak lagi mereka pikirkan kebahagiaan dunia. Mereka hanya memikirkan egoisme mereka yang tak pernah habis: eksploitasi, uang, kekuasaan. Tak ada lagi cinta yang tulus, yang ada hanya cinta diri sendiri.

Di tengah-tengah global warming, dunia membeku.

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~
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Thursday, October 08, 2009

Clay vs Human









clay

1[kley]  Show IPA
–noun
1.
a natural earthy material that is plastic when wet, consisting essentially of hydrated silicates of aluminum: used for making bricks, pottery, etc.
2.
earth; mud.




Clay has memory. He remembers how much pressure has been burdened to him in the past. He remembers how people treated him before. He remembers everything.

When he encounters a pressure, he will take it seriously and start to consolidate. Even when the pressure is taken out of his shoulder, he still holds a grudge. Yes, he learns and struggles to let it go by swelling, but still, a big scar is there and cannot be removed completely.

After some time, he will adjust his life and try to be happy about his life. But, another pressure comes and makes him go back to his past. Again, he consolidates. He knows how seriously he should take any pressure. Based on his past experience, he will adjust the amount of his consolidation. He will try to ignore the pain and shrink a bit for smaller-than-previous-one pressure. He knows exactly how much to take into account. He will not consolidate more for less pressure. His memory is so precise and long-term.





human being

–noun

1.
any individual of the genus Homo, esp. a member of the species Homo sapiens.
2.
a person, esp. as distinguished from other animals or as representing the human species: living conditions not fit for human beings; a very generous human being.

Human also has memory. Human also remembers about past pressure given to him. Human also reacts to the pressure he encounters.

But, the difference is that sometimes, human doesn't know how to react appropriately to the pressure burdened to him. Sometimes he take a small problem too seriously, sometimes he ignores something important, sometime he even gets depressed more than ever just because a small pressure.

Human's memory is affected by his feeling, that's why he cannot be as objective as clay.

I am human, not clay. 
That's why I suffer more this time although I know exactly that the wounds are smaller.

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~
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