aLL 'BouT 'Fe-Ar'

Bersama itu sendiri
Sendiri itu bersama

Bersama nikmati cinta
Sendiri menelan pahit duka
Walau bersama terasa bagai sendiri
Ketika sendiri sadar sebenarnya bersama

Bersama bukan berarti tak sepi
Sendiri bukan berarti mati

Bersama tak kan selamanya
Sendiri pun tak kekal

Bersama itu sendiri
Sendiri itu bersama

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

Moments back in my hometown are the best. I spent ten days although it felt like a blink of eyes. I was full of everything, I was content, I was showered with all the love and care. I love my home.

Now I have come back here. I wish I spent more time there.

I only have mom, dad, and bro. But that's enough. Chinese New Year is the time to gather with your family, no matter how small it is. After a year being far from home, I understand how precious a home is.

My home is...
... where I ate and slept and showered
... where I laughed and cried
... where I got angry and overjoyed
... where I studied and played
... where I watched TV and listened to radio
... where I phoned my besties and talked for hours
... where I spent time with my family

I don't know whether I can create a home that my mom and dad have created for me and bro. I am still in the dark, I don't know to where this life is gonna land, but I really wish that I can build a great home for my children in the future. I want them to be attached with their parents just like bro and I are attached to our home.

I was sorry that bro could only spend four days with us as he needed to rush back to his study. However, we had our best time together. I really love him, my only brother.

Now I have come back here, I miss my home even more. This place is not a home, this is just a hotel. I am a traveler and one day, I will be back home.

People get ready, get ready

Cause here it comes, it's a light

A beautiful light, over the horizon

Into our eyes

Oh, my my how beautiful

Oh my beautiful mother

She told me, son in life you're gonna go far

If you do it right, you'll love where you are

Just know, wherever you go

You can always come home

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

Yesterday was my birthday, yes my 23rd birthday. I am grateful that I am still alive, as a whole, now.

I am getting older, yes, but people say age does not matter. As long as you are living your life fully and contributing yourself to others and the society, you can be 60 year old and feel like 20 inside. I believe I can be forever 20. Forever.

I received quite a number of birthday wishes. From my family, my besties, my junior high school friends, my bf. I refused to put my birthday in Facebook because I feel there is no point of getting birthday wishes from people who happen to look at the notification at right hand corner of the page. I feel more joy when I know certain people still remember my birthday.

I remember how I used to received birthday wishes through SMS. With my Nokia phone, I usually created one folder to contain those. When I felt lonely, I would open the folder and read through the messages and felt loved once more.

I have never been given a surprise party from my friends. Somehow and sometimes, I think about the pleasure that it will bring when your loved one storm into you and celebrate your birthday like they really mean it. I am longing for that kind of feeling. Even once is already satisfying for me.

The start of my 24th year on this world. I shall be better, I shall shine brighter, and I shall get wiser!

Sabbe Satta Bhavantu Sukitattha...

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

On Skype
Me: Lagi apa?
Her: Lagi main pura-pura mati di ranjang

At the office
Me: (holding a black marker) Is this my marker?
OB: I have also.
Me: This is your marker or mine?
OB: I have marker, same same one.
Me: So this is yours?
OB: My one is blue.
Me: SO THIS IS MINE LAH! Alamak.

During training
Trainer: I always wake up very early, that's why after 5pm, my brain is on screen saver mode. So, my wife always tells me, at night do not talk...
Trainee: (while scribbling) ... to strangers...
Trainer: W!@#$%^&*()

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

It's like a stone age ago when I wrote here the last time, but no, it's just a month ago!

Time really flies. Without looking at its surroundings, it just flies and flies and flies. And voila, I am here, in the end of January 2013, realizing that I have yet to write a single post since the new year.

Today I was woken up by a strong urge to write (and hunger of course), so I am now sitting in front of my computer trying to figure out what I want to write.

So another year to take up challenges, another year to see the world, another year to love and to be loved: 2013.

One month has almost passed, but I felt like it's just yesterday when I said "2013 will be better". I have walked for 25 days and I am thankful of how God blesses me abundantly.

Maybe it's a bit late, maybe late is better than nothing. So, these are things that I hope to achieve in 2013.

1. I wish I can make decision this year about what I want in my life for my future. Should I quit this company and move on? Should I stay back and gain more managerial experience? Should I quit and continue studying to somewhere other than Singapore? Should I continue working and start studying at the same time? This is my biggest task this year.

2. I want to build a healthy relationship with bf. Now we are in the fourth year of our companionship, it can't be neglected that we take each other for granted sometimes. However, I believe that we should relive the love and bring it back to the surface. We will love more, laugh more, talk more, and again, love more. No more selfishness, no more ego, no more rows.

3. I shall continue my healthy lifestyle and achieve my target weight! I was losing control over it since the festive season and I don't want to bother with it until my Chinese New Year holiday ends. After that, it will be the time for me to suffer for greater good. For a better shape, better health.

4. I wish I can make my first step in some kind of investment this year. I have no picture of what I am gonna do yet, but I still hope that I can do something about my saving. Someone ever said, "Don't work for money, but make the money work for you."

5. Of course, this year I am 23 and I hope I will be wiser, less selfish, calmer, and more positive. I shall overcome those obstacles that face me in the office. I shall be better, bigger (not in size of course), and greater.

And these are my wishes for 2013:
- Maintaining effective working habit that I have practiced in 2012. Less OT work, less haha-hihi, more efficient and more productive.
- Obtaining my PR and getting more securities.
- Visiting at least 2 more places to see the world.
- Saving more to bring my parents to Europe.
- Being happier

Life is good and life will be better if you live it fully like there is no tomorrow.

Sabbe Satta Bhavantu Sukitattha. May all living beings be happy.


U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

Two Zero One Two, a fruitful year indeed.

I never realize that dates keep passing and bring me to the end of the year in a glance. I can still remember how I spent my new year eve last year. I am so grateful that another year is coming and I hope it brings me more joy, more blessing, more smile.

I have gone through another year, I have become older by one year. This year journey is really a good one. With a lot of ups and downs, I wish I am wiser now.

Lesson 1
I learned that people were wearing their masks all the time, but the masks would sure be broken one time and I would get a chance to see the true colors. I should not be to naive to believe in people so easily and let them trap me in their spider web.

Lesson 2
You can't have ideal condition as what you wish. There is no such a thing as isolated environment. Everything is contributing to the causes and effects. There is no ideal boss, ideal colleagues, ideal boyfriend. All are purely one's expectation. So, perseverance is the key.

Lesson 3
Sometimes life push, pull, and twist you but you must still move on. I got a lot of stress throughout the year but I was finally here. One piece, as a whole.

Lesson 4
Friends are those who stay by you no matter what shape you are in. I have friends that value me, accept me for everything I am, and I am grateful for that. I am grateful for the technology that bring those far far away friends nearer to my heart.

Lesson 5
People may or may not see your hard work, but your heart knows everything. Therefore, keep performing the best and put your biggest effort for every single thing you do. You will fill the joyous bubbles when your heart rewards you for your hard works.

Lesson 6
Nobody in this world is up to no good. You are the one who should make your presence felt!

Earlier this year, I was so high tempered. I threw tantrum easily, I cried like a leaked pipe, I expected so much from everybody, I wanted everything to flow as what I wanted. Fortunately, I managed to control my expectation and got myself more calm. And surprisingly, I am much happier now.

Until mid of the year, I rarely exercise. I decided to change my lifestyle afterwards. Now I am a different girl with a healthy lifestyle.

Throughout this year, I learned a lot about my job. Sometimes I looked back and compare myself with Febrina a year ago and I could find so much difference. I am more into my job now, I have more understanding, and I dare to speak up more. I am so grateful that I had a chance to witness factory acceptance test of my tunnel boring machine and got priceless experience. I am grateful.

Now this is the time for me to think about my future. I am still in the dark. I don't know what I want and I don't know whether I am heading to the right direction. I need a compass.

Thanks Two Zero One Two! Thanks for equipping me with so many things inside my rucksack. I will continue my journey and meet your siblings out there. You will always be remembered and never forgotten.

Merci beaucoup!

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

I'm wondering and keep wondering, is there any reason for me to feel the dissapointment, the frustration?

Life has given me you but life has taken you out of my life. I feel the distance although we are walking side by side.

No words, no gestures, nothing. All I can feel is the emptiness. It's like a cup that has been drunken until the last drop. Only air is left inside, it's empty.

I feel like I keep trying to fill this empty cup but the water keeps spilling and I end up clearing the mess instead of filling the cup.

Maybe the cup is broken, maybe not.
Maybe the table is not stable, maybe not.
Maybe you just refuse to have a full cup, maybe not.

I don't know.

I've been happy with the cup, whether it's full or empty. But I guess we will be happier if we fill up the cup, drink it to the bottom of our heart and refill it again. We can drink until we are drunk with each other's love.

I know we can, it's just whether we are willing to.

I miss the old time, Baby.

I wish you miss it, too

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

Her brain is like rojak, she mixed everything up...

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

It's nice to know that you are missed.

On the footnote, I have 383 mails to clear.

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~