aLL 'BouT 'Fe-Ar'

Twenty six minutes past eight in the morning and I have fully waken up. Although I am not going to work, I can't just continue sleeping until the sun climbs up high. I am just a stupid light sleeper.

While waiting for the time to go to Changi and fetch my family, I think about so many things.

I think about my convocation, which is not very pleasurable for me. I know I haven't gone through it, but I am sure that my heart will hurt to see the award giving ceremony. You may call me jealous, and I admit, yes I am. Everything has been so near for me, but all of a sudden, an invisible hands grasped them and left me alone standing there, waiting. I kept praying, waiting, and believing for the past 5 months, and I am not sure whether another 5 month time can heal the pain. I am heartbroken. You may call me whiner, because I post the same thing over and over. And I proudly admit, yes, I am. I don't want to nag people with my lame failure story, so I just tell everything to my blog. It's not wrong, isn't it?

I think about my eyes. What a body I have: allergic nose, allergic skin, allergic eyes. Maybe I should wear that kind of astronaut outfit to protect myself completely. Haha. Finally after so many rounds of phone conversation with Tan Tock Seng, they managed to get me a slot. And the stupid thing was that the mis-recognized me. I have been put under Singapore citizens/PR queue under so long, but actually I am under foreigner. The eye specialist was quite friendly and I like him. He kept telling me that I had nothing to worry. Did I look that obvious? I hope I can be okay soon, because having certain pain and disease inside your eyes is super terrifying!

And I also think about bf. He has started working since yesterday. I hope he can perform well and prove himself a good staff to be employed. I am ready to be given lower priority under his career, because I love to see a guy pursuing his career whole-heartedly. It's kind of sexy. Hahahaha.

I can't wait for my family to arrive and we will have fun!
Although the whole 25 days of July wasn't nice to me, I hope the rest of it will treat me great! Because I am already very tired of tears for this whole month.
And August, please be nice to me, I beg youuuu.

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

Seeing my friends getting the glory I should have sipped makes me kind of envious. And foremost, my heart is hurt. I should stand there also, being one of them, that's what I think. I have been working so hard, for 4 years to be one of the award recipient in the convocation, but at the end, I get nothing.

Maybe you are asking, why in the first place I want such a thing? I want to see my parents' eyes glowing with pride and happiness. I want them to see me shining. That's all, no other reason.

However, God didn't grant me this wish. I know He has been so nice with me for my four year journey, but why He didn't bother to grant my last wish in my undergraduate life? I want to send the pride to my parents, why He didn't let me do it?

I have been nominated for 3 things and I get nothing. Even my friends that perform slightly worse than me can get at least one minor award, why can't I?

I know I should not be sad, but the feeling just seeps into my heart like water seeps into the structure through the weak joint.

Please, I need the strength to get my chin up and say congratulation to them, with a full sincerity. I need to be brave and I need to accept that I am not staying above the air forever. I am enough flying and now I am back on the cruel world. I am walking, I am falling down, I am bleeding.

Give me strength. One day, I will sure fly again.

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

I've been walking, walking, and walking so far. When I look back, I realize I have so many things changing in my life.

I've been in love to writing since I was introduced to letters, words, and sentences. But I realize, I leave my hobby for the sake of my study, my grade. I remember those time when I wrote poems almost everyday. I remember those moments when my writing went from hand to hand in the class. I remember those days when everything could be put into words so easily: love, spirit, dream, wish, disappointment, anger, and tears.

Now, I get worse in writing. It become much more difficult to put every little piece of my life into words and sentences. I don't know, it is maybe because of my life gets more complicated, or perhaps because of  I just lost my skill.

I still love it, but it's just too difficult for me right now. :(

Once, I had a dream, to be a novelist. But now, that dream has vanished. And I feel sad. Why can't I hold my dream tightly?

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

I've never imagined I would do it. I was just so outspoken and vocal just now. I didn't know whether I've done the right thing. But what I know is that I am happy that I have spoken everything I felt. I really feel that I have overcome my worst fear.

I still need more blessing, dear God... :)

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

Seeing people get detached makes me shiver. I feel the fear, I feel threatened. Stepping out from the comfort zone is indeed not easy, but I do believe that we need to put the effort to stabilize everything. I hope there will be no pressure from any parties because I will give my love time to prove himself. I am sure he will be a great guy for me and my children.

I love him, and so does he.
We will fight for this love.

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

I know I shouldn't get angry, and I am not angry at all. However the feeling of dissapointment still seeps into this little heart. I think about him in every little thing I do and every single thing I see, and I wonder, do I fill up any voids inside his brain like he does to mine?

I feel like clapping with one of my hand palm only. No reaction from the other one. Of course, there's no sound. No reaction, no response, no this, and no that.

And I wonder if I ever crossed his mind?

I am dreaming of a candle light dinner
Only you and I
Only the light sparkling between our love

I am dreaming of chilling in front of Eiffel Tower
Only you and I
Only the breeze covering our hearts

I am dreaming of you, you, and you
Do you feel the same too?

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

I hate today, really really hate today. I feel like shit. Until now, I still feel like shit. I did wrong, I spoke wrong, I got nothing right.

~~~~~~~~~~

My eyes don't get better. I even feel worse, I think. After I spent most of my day tearing down, I felt more painful. I hope there's nothing wrong with this two little guys.

~~~~~~~~~~

Some words really shot me. And I realize, I shouldn't ask for more. Because, it's not PEPSI. LOL.

~~~~~~~~~~

I love babies and toddlers. They are always lovely, no matter what they are doing. They are angels, white and pure. I love babies and some day later, I will have one, for sure.

~~~~~~~~~~

I want to help, but looks like the person doesn't want to borrow my hand. I dunno. Hmm.

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

I love to listen to love song and happy song
So, is it good to feel love and happiness?

Yes, absolutely!
Quote of the day from dear Ros!!! :D

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

I guess God is trying to tell me that I am not on top of the world. I have been staying above the air so far, and it's time for me to set my foot back on to the world.

I should accept this fate.
At least, I have shot my best effort.

I leave everything for my God to decide.

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~