aLL 'BouT 'Fe-Ar'

Menuju 999, menuju keabadian...
Ataukah kesendirian...
Aku bertanya...

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

I was watching Glee this morning when I jumped into this song: 'Fighter' by Christina Aguilera. There was such a chemistry for me in the song and I quickly googled the lyrics. Then I realized, it's a perfect match for me, for my feeling, for my life.

Five years ago, I was an underdog. None believed that I could make my way to study abroad and get a scholarship. Even my teacher teased me in front of the class. But because of them, I was so determined to prove that I could complete the 'mission impossible'. In the end, I really got it and I was proud of it. I entered NTU with a scholarship and graduated from there with a First Class Honor. So many hardship I went through to harvest the fruits. And I am stronger, much stronger than five years ago.

Now, another test comes in my way. One year ago, I was too stupid to realize that I could never believe anyone wholeheartedly. I thought people always had pure hearts and be honest when they were talking to me. But, that was not the case.

People are just damn fake. They lie, they act, they badmouth, they accuse. But in front of you they smile, they laugh, they praise you. Holy Shit, this is life!

So many motives are hidden behind the mouth and the brain. I will never know what people want from me, what people are afraid of me, why people want to abolish me. I am just a small little girl here trying to find my way for a success: for a better life, a self achievement, a continual improvement.

It looks like that I am being stalked from behind. The culprit is moving without sound, but I know someone is there, waiting for the right time to stab my back and kill me. I can see blood, I can see tears, I can see sweat all over my body. I can see that I will be wrecked and I will sink into the deep sea. I will be gone, vanished into the black sea.

Another part of myself tell me not to let anyone destroy me. I am strong and I will be stronger. If the bastard wants me to fall down and tear apart, I shall be more solid and more threatening. I will roar like a godzilla and I will instead destroy my opponent.

I am a fighter.

Thanks for making me a fighter.



U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

Maybe I am wrong for being too straightforward... Maybe I am wrong for being too rebellious... Maybe I am wrong for not being able to stand on your side... Maybe I am wrong for not being able to keep my dislike in secrecy and continue to interact with you as if nothing happens... Maybe I am wrong for countering your bossy impractical orders and requests...

Maybe I am wrong, yes I am wrong...

But you are wrong for always believing that you are right...

I don't know whether we can continue to walk together and reach the common goal...

I want to give up...

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

I tell her, butterflies have gone through agony before beauty stroke them. From ugly worms to lonely cocoons, they have to overcome all the pain and suffering before transforming into butterflies and flying high. And you are to overcome those pain now, so you can be the real beauty queen. I am sure you can.

And I tell her, birds drop their children from their nests, not because they do not want to raise their babies. They do that with great pain, I am sure, but they do not have any other choices. They just want their babies to learn to fly. So, you are now ready to be dropped from your nest. Tell your mom to do so.

I am sure you can fly high, like a beautiful butterfly, like a cheerful bird in the sky.
I am sure you can shine, like a twinkling star, like a rising sun.
I am sure you can be whatever you want to be.
You are the champion!

I love you, My friend, and I wish you all the best!

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

In the middle of tense discussion,
OB: *bringing a tray of cups* Kopi, Sir?
Everyone: *staring at him unbelievably*

When he sent me to the airport,
OB: My wife hen many many...
Me: *thinking about 'hand' instead of 'hen'* Huh?
OB: Chicken, chicken...
Me: *bursting into laugh*
I was thinking that his wife had a lot of hands!!!!

I called him because there was a bee in my room,
Me: Hey, there's a bee!
OB: Bee? What?
Me: *googling a bee straightaway* This is bee...
OB: Ohhh, I know. My country have.
Me: Every country also have lah!
OB: I know this one honey, good!
Me: *looking at him* The honey is good, but not the bee!!!!!
Until now, the bee is still wandering happily and we could not catch it.

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

So many days and nights have passed, so many breathes have I taken, so many thought have I gone through. To my surprise, the pain is now subside, seeping into the deepest tissue of my heart, my bone, my flesh, my artery. I barely felt heart-broken to what she said, nowadays. Instead, I accept that that was a part of her flaw. I accept that she might hurt people when she feels hurt.

But, I am also a human. I am not perfect. Forgiveness has yet to bloom from my heart. I can accept her anger and sharp words does not mean that I can forgive her for hurting me and my men. I shall wait, yes, I shall wait for the forgiveness. I will forgive someday, but not forget.

She may think that I am so arrogant for showing her my black face and unhappiness although I have been working for nearly one year. She may think that I can only take compliment, but cannot accept any negative comments. I don't care. I will just do what I am supposed to do and overcome this problem.

I can take as many negative comments as you give to me, as long as you tell me in a good manner. By saying "You are redundant! You are sleeping on your job! You are not moving! You are burden to your colleagues! You must be spoon-fed! You are bla bla bla," you do insult people, not comment at them. I suggest you to reflect upon yourself first. There must be some reasons why I avoid talking to you nowadays: to refrain myself from being hurt over and over.

I think I have enough insult already. None ever say I am redundant, you are the one and only. How dare you.

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

I have drawn a line, an imaginary line... And you can't cross or delete it forever... I am now inside my own imaginary fortress and I will be happier that ever before...

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~