aLL 'BouT 'Fe-Ar'

Tell me what I should do. Two days left before the D-day, and I don't know what to do. The uneasiness popped  up in my mind like mad. I feel so sick to see the books, yet I feel so guilty not to look at them. I want this to end soon. It doesn't mean I hate this situation: this is my choice, so I must bear with it, but the nerves I feel right now is so bad till my heart is going to jump out of its cavity.

I want 28th September 2011 to come faster.

And Dear God, please bless me.

Thank you.

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

In a lonely time on a lonely road, I thought about many things
In a lonely time on a lonely road, I dreamed about many things
In a lonely time on a lonely road, I thanked God about many things

How I can get my life on the right track is still a big question mark. But, let it be. I am here and I am happy with my life. I am thankful with everything I have, even the tedious admin job that I am currently covering.


In a lonely time on a lonely road, I promised to be happy forever

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

My mom suddenly crossed my mind: how she would react if she knew I had been treated like this.

Mom, really sorry...

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

Most of the time, I'm wondering why my feeling is more sensitive towards my closest circle. I am much more sensitive, yes. When they talk or act a little bit unusual or differently from what I expect, I'll turn so black and angry. I don't know why, but it's just my auto-response.

I keep getting angry if I see there's something wrong. I keep showing my black face.

I am so bad to have such a high expectation, aren't I?

Please give me an answer.

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

The feeling I feel is really pleasing me. I am still a fresh graduate, I am still a little girl, but at least people around me are thinking of some ways to guide and let me grow.

I want some responsibilities, I want some roles, I want some contributions, and I want to feel the satisfaction of my achievements. I just don't want to be a big potato sack that earns money for nothing.

I am still very amazed of how God loves me. He sends me so many good souls to lay my path towards a bright future.

I know it's a bit late, but I really want to use this teacher's day as an excuse to write some words for my 'teachers'.

Of course, my first teacher ever are my parents. They have taught me so many things. Even million thanks are not enough to express my gratitude to them. They have worked so hard to lay my path. I will not have my today if not because of their lessons to me. So, really, thank you.

And then, all my school teachers, from kindergarten till university, were all sent by God to help shaping myself. I wont be a bachelor today if they were not on the way. So, again, thank you.

Another thank you I want to arrow to all my friends, especially Lisa, Valen, Renni, Dya, Jesi, Merryn, Savitri, and Vivien. They have taught me that your real friends will always there for you whenever. Although we are not staying together, although we meet very rarely, although we are not spending time together, we are there inside each other's hearts. So, thanks, Friends.

And not forgetting, all the boys that have filled in my life have taught me to be stronger and stronger. And the biggest thanks is of course for my boyfriend who has taught me how to love and to be loved. Thank you, so much thank you.

Not forgetting my fruitful Industrial Attachment experience, I really thank my seniors in AECOM Singapore: Stephen, Shwu Jiuan, C'hng Yih, John, Chandran, Reddy, and other ex-colleagues that can't be mentioned one by one. I learn a lot from them and I really feel grateful for the chance to be one of them, even only for 22 weeks.

Lastly, thanks for my colleagues now in LTA, especially Rosalind. She's like a big sister to me. She teaches me so many things which I cannot learn from anyone else here. And of course, my PM Mr. Ng, he's so nice until I feel like melting. And all the 923 team, I am really grateful. I will work hard to show my thanks. Also, thanks to my new friends in LTA.

Thanks to all my teachers.
You are all God's messengers!!!

I feel the heartache. It's almost nothing but still hurt me so badly. I am ashamed to tell this to anyone, but I just feel offended.

Can you please think about my feeling before you open your mouth???

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

Exactly one month before the big day. I am sure excited. but on the other side, I am scared. I am so blessed to have so many people supporting me and I am so blessed to have been given this power and determination to fight for it. I am so blessed. However, I can't deny that I am afraid of losing this battle. I am afraid that what effort I have put is not enough, I am afraid that I am not equipped well enough, I am afraid that one and another thing will trip my step and make me falling down.

I know God will not let me handle anything that is beyond my strength. I know God will give me the strength and the blessing. But, the feeling of fear still comes anyway.

So, how to be fear free kind of person?
Can I?

Now what I can do is just continue what I have started and fight till the very last second of the battle.

I will make sure if I lose, I will lose and die in glory.

But if possible, I wish I am the one who smiles till the very end.

I will win.
I will be the winner.

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

A guy in Solo was attacked by a group of people that claimed themselves to be the fighter of Islam. Why? Did this guy spit on the roof of a mosque? No. Or did he punch a Muslim? Of course no.

So? What did he do that made these people so angry?

He just happened to wore a T-shirt when he met them, a T-shirt with the wordings: "God, what is your religion?"

When they saw the words printed on the shirt, they confronted the guy to take off his shirt by calling him 'Kafir' over and over. But this guy, thinking that he did nothing wrong, refused to do so. At the end, he just got physically attacked.

To read this kind of thing on the news, I feel very miserable. How can people fight on the name of their God? How can they justify that they did the right thing by attacking the guy that had no business with them? How can they proudly call any other people Kafir? I just can't believe.

What is God? Who is God?

No one knows, including those Front Pembela Islam. So, what's the matter of asking God what is His religion? Even God didn't scold this guy, why should them???

I just think that they are stupid, they never know that the sentence is to bring up the religious harmony. Stupid. Stupid. STUPID. S.T.U.P.I.D.

In my religion, God is Tian, literally means Sky. I don't have enough knowledge to explain what is the philosophy behind this name. But, I believe that God is as big as the sky, borderless, and unreachable. This is just my opinion, and please forgive me if I am wrong. But at least, look at the fact that I am totally agree with any God people worship.

I pray to God, I believe in God. But I really don't understand how those people who claim themselves to be super religious choose to fight on the name of their God instead of live peacefully with other living beings. It's just too sad.

One thing for sure, GOD WILL NOT WANT HIS PEOPLE TO FIGHT OVER HIS NAME.

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

A great morning with a great spirit...

I am happy that I have managed this week without any single anger, disappointment, or tears. I hope I can continue practicing this behavior till the end of my life...

When I am happy, I am sure I can affect people's happiness as well... And when everyone is happy, we will have a much much more beautiful world... So, let's be happy and let's be grateful for everything we have and every single air we breathe...

Life is wonderful...

Ah la la la la la la life is wonderful
Ah la la la la la la life goes full circle
Ah la la la la life is wonderful
Ah la la la la la
(Jason Mraz - Life is Wonderful)

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~