aLL 'BouT 'Fe-Ar'

Pindah alamatttttt...

http://fabfabfeb.tumblr.com/

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

Seperti angin
Diriku terbang dan melayang
Kulihat-lihat berkeliling
Mereka yang begitu bergelimang

Kulihat harta
Kudengar bahagia

Lalu kulihat diriku
Kumuh

Lalu kulihat cermin
Aku hanya angin

Angin yang bertiup
Angin yang bergerak
Angin yang melambai

Mungkin akan berlabuh di lautan luas
Mungkin akan mendaki ke atas gunung

Mungkin juga akan hilang
Hilang begitu saja dimakan topan

Mungkin aku akan terus berhembus
Mencari-cari sebuah mimpi

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

23 years old and achieve nothing!

That's me.

Looking at my surroundings, I feel so small, so useless. I am just a useless loser.

I am not someone in the company, just a little fish that can be taken away from the water so easily.
I am not starting my own business or doing something significant for my finance.
I am not sure about how to continue my study.
I have no special ability in anything.
I suck in my love life.

Damn.

Before I quit my job, I had a plan but now after I rethought and rethought about it, the plan changed. I am now in the dark.

Who am I? Who am I going to be?

I need a guidance. I need a way to get my dream.

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

Ketika bicara hanya jadi luka
Tapi diam hanya jadi perih

Ketika dua pasang kaki berderap bersama
Tapi hampa tanpa gelak tawa

Ketika dunia tetap berputar
Tapi hati tersayat

Ketika itu
Aku tahu
Sendiri itu sepi
Berdua itu sunyi

I am not alone but I am lonely


U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

I was thinking how people rate the compatibility among them? Do people hang out with the one having the same hobby and interest? Do people leave the one without similarity to them?

How people fall in love? Do they feel attracted to those that are like them? Or are they attracted to those with complete different characteristics?

I don't know how I fell in love. I don't know whether we are compatible.

I know that we are different, completely different. But I always believe that two pieces of jigzaw puzzle should be different in shape to be able to connect. Hence we are the two different pieces.

Are we two different pieces that are supposed to be side by side?
Are we compatible for each other?

Please let me know the answer. I don't have forever to figure out.

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

While searching...





This is my friend's version,

Dear Boss,

I QUIT.

Regards,
Your employee

Anddddd, this is my version:

Dear Boss,

I hereby declare that you do not deserve to have me as an employee. Therefore, effective from next week, we are complete strangers.

Sincerely,
Your beloved employee

P.S. You suck!

I have a greaaaat temptation to write some creative things over my letter :D

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

I am simply a girl who is looking for her direction.

Looking back, I have spent two years of life looking for something I didn't even know. And now I realize, I drifted further from what I wanted.

I am going to start a new life. Not that I have found what I want, I just finally knew something that I did not want: to be bullied.

I am ready for all the sacrifices and I am looking forward to my new life.

Adios! I will miss most part of my life now, for sure.

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

Me: Tomorrow is Vesak day.
Mom: Vesak day here is Saturday
Me: Huh? Why is it so strange?
Mom: Maybe Indonesia is further than Singapore...
Bro: Yea, that's why Buddha takes longer to reach Indonesia...
Me: Maybe he takes Lion Air and the flight is delayed...

No matter when Vesak Day is, I wish all a happy and blessed Vesak Day... Buddha blesses us all...

Sabbe satta bhavantu sukitattha...

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

My mouse in the office keeps double-clicking although I just do single click...

Maybe this is a sign...

Even my mouse tries to shoo me...

:)

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

Magically people from old times are swirling around now... Maybe this is a sign...

A sign...

A sign for better...

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

I was swimming for the past two years... In the ocean without boundaries...

It was started by my curiosity and it led me here. And it will be ended by my rationality and future end-in-mind.

Making a decision is indeed not easy. Stepping out of the comfort zone is even more difficult.

I know I have gone through hard time, but who knows what is there ahead?

I am ready...

No more contemplation, I am ready for a change, no matter what the price is...

Now it's time to set up a plan, a real plan...

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

One of my conversation with bf
Me: Goldfish is getting more and more annoying!
bf: What is it this time?
Me: Anything Goldfish does just annoy me.
bf: I think you are going to bring a knife to the office sometime later.

I bumped into one of my contractor
Me: Hi.
He: Let's plan something to kill Goldfish!
Me: *burst into laugh*

In daily meeting
Contractor: Tomorrow we will start the activity after 3:30pm because there will be an event going on at the school.
Goldfish: But your machine is broken, right?
Contractor: No, we already repaired.
Goldfish: *pull out handphone and start typing*
Suddenly my phone vibrated and there was a message in a chat group
Goldfish: Contractor informs that the machine is already repaired. Please check on site.
After a while, site inspector replied with a photo showing the machine in working condition.
To our surprise, she replied, in caps lock: TEST TO ASCERTAIN THAT IT CAN WORK NOW.
I almost burst into tears. Goldfish is so funny.

So I have proof that Goldfish is indeed annoying.

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

KFC has this product everytime Avengers movies are screened.

This time is Iron Man.

So there is this tagline: The Hero Sized Burger for Hero Sized Appetite.
And I think, "Tony Stark would not eat that, hell!"

At another time, I asked bf, "Why do they call it Double Down?"
And he said, almost instantaneously, "After you it double chicken, you will feel down."

Okay, that made some senses. I guess lots of people are feeling down now. :P



U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

The last time I can remember seeping a happiness is like zillion years away. I do not hold anymore happy feeling in doing what I do. Monday to Friday, I am just waiting for the week to pass and day by day, time passes so slowly.

I have only one thing that keep me here and that thing seems getting further from me.

I am alone after all. And I am a child, anyway.

I am not ready to grow up.

There is I in happiness but I alone can't get that happiness. I need U to pursue it.

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

When I was tapping my card to open a door in HQ
Contractor: Huh? You have a card?
Me: -______________- I am a staff!

I don't suit here, do I?

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

I was relaying this story to my best friend.

Once upon a time, in a meeting room, I was talking to one of my contractors. Someone was not very happy to see me talking to people, and that someone interrupted our small chat.

Someone: Tomorrow is your last day, huh?
Contractor: Noo, Saturday.

And a very surprising follow up I have ever heard came out of that someone's mouth, "Last Saturday, huh?"

So I told my friend, I don't know what was that inside that someone's head. Maybe the brain is not there, the brain is located inside the panties. The panties are washed very frequently so the brain is damaged.

What a smart girl my friend is. This is her response: Someone is a goldfish which every two seconds lose the memory and looks very blurred.

I laughed so hard. Alone. To my computer.

What a day.

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

When my teammates' names were announced, a bunch of friends from my team applauded and shouted so hard as a form of their support. When it was my turn, they did the same thing, too. Therefore, DCE said, "Congratulation, you have so many fans down there."

Yeah, my promotion is not worth to be congratulated, yet the support is. :)

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During the promotion ceremony, all the promotees were seated in alphabetical order to wait for our turn to shake hands with the big shots. We were chatting through What's App because we were separated by the first letter of our name.

G: This thing reminds me of graduation. We need to queue so long.
F: Yes, correct.
S: I even see some ladies with flowers. It makes it looks even more like convocation.
F: Next year we can consider opening a booth out there to sell flowers and plush toys. We can customize the Teddy Bear with shirt written "I am SPE/DPM/PM/etc".
L: Yea, good idea. But you should not produce too much "I am DD/PD" teddy because there are not many of them.

We are more excited of making money out of the event rather than the promotion. :P

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When I was having an appraisal evaluation with my boss

Me: So, being promoted, what should I do?
Boss: Give treat lor!
Me: ...

Apparently nothing will be changed by the promotion since I am still at the bottom and every single shit will still be thrown to me.

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Some people think promotion and appraisal are only about money, money and money. But, for me, this is about value. I can see how my bosses value me through the appraisal and the score I get. Now I understand that my value is not that high and I have been exploited so far.

I shall not work smart, and not work hard.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

Dream
I have a dream but I have no guts to pursue it. I am such a loser, yes I am.

Comfort
It is not comfortable here but I am still afraid to step out. I want to move out and move on. Can I?

Value
I feel none value me and it hurts people who actually put their best effort for me. Forgive me.

Words
People speak, people hurt me. I speak, I hurt people. This world is a battlefield, isn't it?

Farewell
There is no good bye, there is see you later. I shall meet you again. This world is not big enough, no?

Friendship
I have many friends, but only few are friendship. We sail in this ship together, we live happily ever after. Thanks.

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

People come, people go. When there is a hello, there will be a goodbye.

One and a half year is not long, yet it is not short enough to disregard everything that has happened. I have been here for one and a half year with each and every one of my team members, either my LTA team or the contractor.

I am a client, but I never put myself as an opponent or boss of my contractor. I make them my friends within my working life. I have been very close with a few of them and I feel comfortable around them.

And sadly to say, two of them are going to move out and move on.

I am sad but I wish them all the best!!!!

Me: I am sad!
Him: Why sad?
Me: Why do you need to go?
Him: I will come back...
Me: 3 years later, the project has been finished...
Him: Next project, if you can't be PM, maybe a DPM, we will meet again... I am Construction Manager, you are DPM... Next project...

Amen~~~

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

Life always gives thousand and one way to make me strong. From those who hate me, those who love me, and any other who just don't know me...

Thanks, Universe...

Even in this difficult time, I am still very blessed...


U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

Bersama itu sendiri
Sendiri itu bersama

Bersama nikmati cinta
Sendiri menelan pahit duka
Walau bersama terasa bagai sendiri
Ketika sendiri sadar sebenarnya bersama

Bersama bukan berarti tak sepi
Sendiri bukan berarti mati

Bersama tak kan selamanya
Sendiri pun tak kekal

Bersama itu sendiri
Sendiri itu bersama

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

Moments back in my hometown are the best. I spent ten days although it felt like a blink of eyes. I was full of everything, I was content, I was showered with all the love and care. I love my home.

Now I have come back here. I wish I spent more time there.

I only have mom, dad, and bro. But that's enough. Chinese New Year is the time to gather with your family, no matter how small it is. After a year being far from home, I understand how precious a home is.

My home is...
... where I ate and slept and showered
... where I laughed and cried
... where I got angry and overjoyed
... where I studied and played
... where I watched TV and listened to radio
... where I phoned my besties and talked for hours
... where I spent time with my family

I don't know whether I can create a home that my mom and dad have created for me and bro. I am still in the dark, I don't know to where this life is gonna land, but I really wish that I can build a great home for my children in the future. I want them to be attached with their parents just like bro and I are attached to our home.

I was sorry that bro could only spend four days with us as he needed to rush back to his study. However, we had our best time together. I really love him, my only brother.

Now I have come back here, I miss my home even more. This place is not a home, this is just a hotel. I am a traveler and one day, I will be back home.

People get ready, get ready

Cause here it comes, it's a light

A beautiful light, over the horizon

Into our eyes

Oh, my my how beautiful

Oh my beautiful mother

She told me, son in life you're gonna go far

If you do it right, you'll love where you are

Just know, wherever you go

You can always come home

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

Yesterday was my birthday, yes my 23rd birthday. I am grateful that I am still alive, as a whole, now.

I am getting older, yes, but people say age does not matter. As long as you are living your life fully and contributing yourself to others and the society, you can be 60 year old and feel like 20 inside. I believe I can be forever 20. Forever.

I received quite a number of birthday wishes. From my family, my besties, my junior high school friends, my bf. I refused to put my birthday in Facebook because I feel there is no point of getting birthday wishes from people who happen to look at the notification at right hand corner of the page. I feel more joy when I know certain people still remember my birthday.

I remember how I used to received birthday wishes through SMS. With my Nokia phone, I usually created one folder to contain those. When I felt lonely, I would open the folder and read through the messages and felt loved once more.

I have never been given a surprise party from my friends. Somehow and sometimes, I think about the pleasure that it will bring when your loved one storm into you and celebrate your birthday like they really mean it. I am longing for that kind of feeling. Even once is already satisfying for me.

The start of my 24th year on this world. I shall be better, I shall shine brighter, and I shall get wiser!

Sabbe Satta Bhavantu Sukitattha...

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

On Skype
Me: Lagi apa?
Her: Lagi main pura-pura mati di ranjang

At the office
Me: (holding a black marker) Is this my marker?
OB: I have also.
Me: This is your marker or mine?
OB: I have marker, same same one.
Me: So this is yours?
OB: My one is blue.
Me: SO THIS IS MINE LAH! Alamak.

During training
Trainer: I always wake up very early, that's why after 5pm, my brain is on screen saver mode. So, my wife always tells me, at night do not talk...
Trainee: (while scribbling) ... to strangers...
Trainer: W!@#$%^&*()

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

It's like a stone age ago when I wrote here the last time, but no, it's just a month ago!

Time really flies. Without looking at its surroundings, it just flies and flies and flies. And voila, I am here, in the end of January 2013, realizing that I have yet to write a single post since the new year.

Today I was woken up by a strong urge to write (and hunger of course), so I am now sitting in front of my computer trying to figure out what I want to write.

So another year to take up challenges, another year to see the world, another year to love and to be loved: 2013.

One month has almost passed, but I felt like it's just yesterday when I said "2013 will be better". I have walked for 25 days and I am thankful of how God blesses me abundantly.

Maybe it's a bit late, maybe late is better than nothing. So, these are things that I hope to achieve in 2013.

1. I wish I can make decision this year about what I want in my life for my future. Should I quit this company and move on? Should I stay back and gain more managerial experience? Should I quit and continue studying to somewhere other than Singapore? Should I continue working and start studying at the same time? This is my biggest task this year.

2. I want to build a healthy relationship with bf. Now we are in the fourth year of our companionship, it can't be neglected that we take each other for granted sometimes. However, I believe that we should relive the love and bring it back to the surface. We will love more, laugh more, talk more, and again, love more. No more selfishness, no more ego, no more rows.

3. I shall continue my healthy lifestyle and achieve my target weight! I was losing control over it since the festive season and I don't want to bother with it until my Chinese New Year holiday ends. After that, it will be the time for me to suffer for greater good. For a better shape, better health.

4. I wish I can make my first step in some kind of investment this year. I have no picture of what I am gonna do yet, but I still hope that I can do something about my saving. Someone ever said, "Don't work for money, but make the money work for you."

5. Of course, this year I am 23 and I hope I will be wiser, less selfish, calmer, and more positive. I shall overcome those obstacles that face me in the office. I shall be better, bigger (not in size of course), and greater.

And these are my wishes for 2013:
- Maintaining effective working habit that I have practiced in 2012. Less OT work, less haha-hihi, more efficient and more productive.
- Obtaining my PR and getting more securities.
- Visiting at least 2 more places to see the world.
- Saving more to bring my parents to Europe.
- Being happier

Life is good and life will be better if you live it fully like there is no tomorrow.

Sabbe Satta Bhavantu Sukitattha. May all living beings be happy.


U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~