aLL 'BouT 'Fe-Ar'

Dan semua kerja keras ini seperti telah terbayar

Aku telah merasakan lezatnya buah yang bijinya kutanam saat itu

Kini, kembali aku menanam pohon lain dari biji buah yang tengah kumakan

Seperti dahulu, aku yakin buah yang kumakan akan terasa begitu manis dan menyegarkan

Yang harus kulakukan hanyalah menyiram dan memupuknya dengan penuh cinta hingga pohonku akan menghujaniku dengan buah-buah manisnya

Waktu menunjukkan pukul sepuluh lebih tiga puluh satu menit jam Singapore. Di sini, mata saya sedang mengawasi jari-jari saya menari-nari lincah di atas keyboard sementara otak saya berputar cepat memikirkan apa saja yang harus diketikkan oleh jemari saya.

Tiga hari berselang sejak awal minggu ini. Iya, hari ini rabu, tapi saya sudah merasa begitu luluh lantak dan ingin libur seharian. Jadwal yang padat ditambah kegiatan ini itu yang sangat menguras tenaga membuat saya benar-benar kelelahan dan merasa tidak tahan. Minggu ini benar-benar merupakan cobaan yang berat buat saya.

Dan hari ini, saya mencoba membuka lecture notes dan tutorial sheets yang sama sekali tak tersentuh sepanjang minggu ini. Namun hati ini tak ada di sana, entah dia sedang berlayar ke mana mencari kebahagiaannya sendiri. Akhirnya tubuh yang ditinggalkan ini berubah warna menjadi biru lalu perlahan jadi kehitaman. Saya kesal pada diri saya sendiri yang seolah tak punya semangat belajar, padahal saya sama sekali tak mengerti apa yang diajarkan. Sungguh, saya merasa malam ini saya bukanlah saya yang biasanya dan saya sama sekali tak suka. Akhirnya darah ini jadi mendidih dan membuat saya begitu sebal pada hidup ini. *kebiasaan lama yang tak bisa ditinggalkan huff*

Akhirnya, otak saya malah berkelana ke mana-mana dan saya teringat papa, papa saya yang tiada duanya.

Mengapa saya berkata demikian?

Pertama, papa tidak pernah sekali pun menyuruh saya belajar. Yang papa lakukan adalah kebalikan dari apa yang biasa dilakukan papa-papa lainnya. Ya benar, beliau sudah sangat sering menyuruh saya berhenti belajar. Haha, lucu, ya? Saya ingat sekali, setiap kali papa melihat saya mengurung diri pagi-pagi buta untuk belajar sebelum ulangan, beliau akan masuk dan menyuruh saya tidak usah belajar lagi. Percaya bahwa kamu pasti bisa, begitu katanya setiap kali.

Kedua, papa tidak pernah mempermasalahkan nilai yang saya dapatkan, mau merah kek, kuning kek, ijo kek, atau transparan sekali pun, papa tak pernah memarahi saya. Yang beliau lakukan hanyalah bertanya, "Sebenarnya kamu ngerti ngga tentang bahan ini?". Lalu ketika saya bilang sebenarnya saya mengerti tapi karena satu dan lain hal jadi tidak bisa mendapatkan hasil yang baik, beliau akan tersenyum dan bilang, "Ngga apa-apa. Yang penting kamu ngerti. Nilai itu cuma di atas kertas.".

Ketiga, papa tidak pernah memarahi saya jika ranking saya melompat indah dari tempat di mana ia seharusnya berada. Yang matanya cari adalah perbandingan antara nilai saya dan rata-rata kelas. Tak perduli saya mau ranking berapa, yang penting nilai saya jauh di atas rata-rata kelas. Malah saya yang biasanya bermuram durja karena masalah ini dan beliau akan marah bila saya jadi begini. "Jangan terlalu perfeksionis," begitu pesannya.

Dan, yah, sepertinya saya butuh papa sekarang.

Cinta dirimu, Pa.

Akhirnya aku menulis tentangmu juga.

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

I am tired for always being the minority, I am tired for being left out everytime, I am tired for being the one with no voice, I am tired for being used, I am tired for doing everything I have done for YOU, I am tired. Really really tired.

Whenever you are not around, this world stop spinning

Spending time by counting those endless seconds, I feel like dying

Whenever you are far far away, my heart just stops the beats

Waiting for the right one to wake her up, she just waits and waits

Whenever you are not with me, I only want to call everything a day

Missing you so badly, that's the only thing I need to say

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

More that 19 years ago, God decided me to be born as a girl, and whoolaa, here I am now, being a 19-year-old girl with a part of feminity and another part of masculinity. Yeah, I am not 100% feminime, of course, I am not those Aphrodite-type of girls whom others adore everywhere. LOL.

Like they say, human is hard to be satisfied, and so do I.

Okay, this post is going out of control, now. Better stop it here or it will waste your time and also mine more and more.

Then,

Happy comparing!!!

Girls' rockzzzz!!!

~FeN~

Since the first time I opened my eyes, I knew there would be something wrong today. Yeah, again, a mood downturn. Sigh, that's why I think being a boy is more entertaining, more pleasing, more this and more that, more everything than being a girl. Boys don't have to deal with hormonal attack and any mood swing. It is great, huh???

I have nothing to do in this small room. Okay, actually, I have no MOOD to do anything in this room. I have wasted so many hours just lying on my bed. And sure, being in this state made my brain crazily wandered here and there. So sorry if this post has nothing but craps. Lol.

I have been staying in this room with a new roomate for almost two weeks. A lot of things I have done in this room: checking in, getting my new keys, shifting, meeting a new roomate, returning my old keys, cleaning the bloody hell dirty new room, unpacking, rearranging things, buying more stuffs, and settling down.

I am okay with this room actually, since I was here back then when I was still a freshie. This room is really really strategic in location. I just need to walk several steps to reach laundry room, pantry, ironing room, and toilet.

See? That's the plan view of my hall and realize it, my room is near to everywhere. I am happy about it. Haha.

But, the thing drives me uncomfortable now is my roomate. She is too lazy to close her window and always like to open the door. That's why mosquitos love my room very much, she invites them every night. Lol.

Two weeks staying here, I feel like containing so much viruses or something like that. Ask me why. My roomate never wants to touch things I've touch. Ow, s**t! She is afraid to get such a epidemic illness from me or what? Or she thinks my hands are always dirty? It really drives me crazy whenever I see her touching the door or everything with her hands covered in a towel. Omigod, am I that bad or dirty or something???? *Sigh*

Apart of that, I am extremely okay with my life now. A good room, a good timetable, a good health.

But now, this time, this moment, I feel really really bored.

It's boring time, Baby!!!

I want to go out. Yayaya, wherever as long as it is a going-out-from-this-ulu-place session. I want to escape from this place and build a happily ever after life everywhere around the world. Yeah, it looks like my brain is going to a state of dysfunctionality. It starts to give me some crazy thoughts. Lol.

By the way, talking about going out and escaping from this bloody hell unknown place, some places suddenly popped up in my mind.

Jurong Point Mall

Sentosa

Japan

Dubai

Rome

Barcelona

Vatican City

Vancouver

Paris

Amsterdam

Venezia

Bunaken

Bali

And of course,

HOME

See? I am about to be crazy about going out and end up imagining places all over the world. In fact, I just need a little more space to stretch up, to escape a while from my boring routinity before being trapped again for the next several months.

The sky is so gloomy now. It looks like rain will be poured from the back of the clouds in no time. Whatever, rain or no rain, I have been feeling soooo bored since this morning, and a little weather change will not change anything, I think.

So boring!!!!

Let's travel, Baby!!!!!

"..."

"Tut, tut, tuuuut."

"Halo?"