aLL 'BouT 'Fe-Ar'

It's like a stone age ago when I wrote here the last time, but no, it's just a month ago!

Time really flies. Without looking at its surroundings, it just flies and flies and flies. And voila, I am here, in the end of January 2013, realizing that I have yet to write a single post since the new year.

Today I was woken up by a strong urge to write (and hunger of course), so I am now sitting in front of my computer trying to figure out what I want to write.

So another year to take up challenges, another year to see the world, another year to love and to be loved: 2013.

One month has almost passed, but I felt like it's just yesterday when I said "2013 will be better". I have walked for 25 days and I am thankful of how God blesses me abundantly.

Maybe it's a bit late, maybe late is better than nothing. So, these are things that I hope to achieve in 2013.

1. I wish I can make decision this year about what I want in my life for my future. Should I quit this company and move on? Should I stay back and gain more managerial experience? Should I quit and continue studying to somewhere other than Singapore? Should I continue working and start studying at the same time? This is my biggest task this year.

2. I want to build a healthy relationship with bf. Now we are in the fourth year of our companionship, it can't be neglected that we take each other for granted sometimes. However, I believe that we should relive the love and bring it back to the surface. We will love more, laugh more, talk more, and again, love more. No more selfishness, no more ego, no more rows.

3. I shall continue my healthy lifestyle and achieve my target weight! I was losing control over it since the festive season and I don't want to bother with it until my Chinese New Year holiday ends. After that, it will be the time for me to suffer for greater good. For a better shape, better health.

4. I wish I can make my first step in some kind of investment this year. I have no picture of what I am gonna do yet, but I still hope that I can do something about my saving. Someone ever said, "Don't work for money, but make the money work for you."

5. Of course, this year I am 23 and I hope I will be wiser, less selfish, calmer, and more positive. I shall overcome those obstacles that face me in the office. I shall be better, bigger (not in size of course), and greater.

And these are my wishes for 2013:
- Maintaining effective working habit that I have practiced in 2012. Less OT work, less haha-hihi, more efficient and more productive.
- Obtaining my PR and getting more securities.
- Visiting at least 2 more places to see the world.
- Saving more to bring my parents to Europe.
- Being happier

Life is good and life will be better if you live it fully like there is no tomorrow.

Sabbe Satta Bhavantu Sukitattha. May all living beings be happy.


U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

Two Zero One Two, a fruitful year indeed.

I never realize that dates keep passing and bring me to the end of the year in a glance. I can still remember how I spent my new year eve last year. I am so grateful that another year is coming and I hope it brings me more joy, more blessing, more smile.

I have gone through another year, I have become older by one year. This year journey is really a good one. With a lot of ups and downs, I wish I am wiser now.

Lesson 1
I learned that people were wearing their masks all the time, but the masks would sure be broken one time and I would get a chance to see the true colors. I should not be to naive to believe in people so easily and let them trap me in their spider web.

Lesson 2
You can't have ideal condition as what you wish. There is no such a thing as isolated environment. Everything is contributing to the causes and effects. There is no ideal boss, ideal colleagues, ideal boyfriend. All are purely one's expectation. So, perseverance is the key.

Lesson 3
Sometimes life push, pull, and twist you but you must still move on. I got a lot of stress throughout the year but I was finally here. One piece, as a whole.

Lesson 4
Friends are those who stay by you no matter what shape you are in. I have friends that value me, accept me for everything I am, and I am grateful for that. I am grateful for the technology that bring those far far away friends nearer to my heart.

Lesson 5
People may or may not see your hard work, but your heart knows everything. Therefore, keep performing the best and put your biggest effort for every single thing you do. You will fill the joyous bubbles when your heart rewards you for your hard works.

Lesson 6
Nobody in this world is up to no good. You are the one who should make your presence felt!

Earlier this year, I was so high tempered. I threw tantrum easily, I cried like a leaked pipe, I expected so much from everybody, I wanted everything to flow as what I wanted. Fortunately, I managed to control my expectation and got myself more calm. And surprisingly, I am much happier now.

Until mid of the year, I rarely exercise. I decided to change my lifestyle afterwards. Now I am a different girl with a healthy lifestyle.

Throughout this year, I learned a lot about my job. Sometimes I looked back and compare myself with Febrina a year ago and I could find so much difference. I am more into my job now, I have more understanding, and I dare to speak up more. I am so grateful that I had a chance to witness factory acceptance test of my tunnel boring machine and got priceless experience. I am grateful.

Now this is the time for me to think about my future. I am still in the dark. I don't know what I want and I don't know whether I am heading to the right direction. I need a compass.

Thanks Two Zero One Two! Thanks for equipping me with so many things inside my rucksack. I will continue my journey and meet your siblings out there. You will always be remembered and never forgotten.

Merci beaucoup!

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

I'm wondering and keep wondering, is there any reason for me to feel the dissapointment, the frustration?

Life has given me you but life has taken you out of my life. I feel the distance although we are walking side by side.

No words, no gestures, nothing. All I can feel is the emptiness. It's like a cup that has been drunken until the last drop. Only air is left inside, it's empty.

I feel like I keep trying to fill this empty cup but the water keeps spilling and I end up clearing the mess instead of filling the cup.

Maybe the cup is broken, maybe not.
Maybe the table is not stable, maybe not.
Maybe you just refuse to have a full cup, maybe not.

I don't know.

I've been happy with the cup, whether it's full or empty. But I guess we will be happier if we fill up the cup, drink it to the bottom of our heart and refill it again. We can drink until we are drunk with each other's love.

I know we can, it's just whether we are willing to.

I miss the old time, Baby.

I wish you miss it, too

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

Her brain is like rojak, she mixed everything up...

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

It's nice to know that you are missed.

On the footnote, I have 383 mails to clear.

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

Being together with someone for so long indeed makes us complacent and taking things for granted. We end up transforming the love and passion into daily routine and some sort of obligation. The feeling we have is still the same, but what we pursue to express the love is different. We assume the other party already understand the feeling and no more proof shall be shown. We are human, we are indeed human. We tend to jump to the conclusion ourselves.

Today will never be too late to say I love you to your loved one and show him/her that you care. Today will never be too late.

And tomorrow, tell yourself again, today will never be too late.

Yes, never. Today will never be too late.

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

It's October!

And today marks the exact 16 months of my working life in this company. So many things have happened throughout this short period of time: I learn new things, I know more people, I get new experience. So many emotions I have felt as well throughout these months: happiness, satisfaction, bonding, love, anger, disappointment, frustration, stress, everything. However, I am thankful for this learning opportunity. I am blessed.

There were times when I found myself standing in the middle of nowhere heading nowhere and aiming nothing. I was just lost in space, in time, in everything. Being bored down with all the paperwork, routine, and meetings, as well as being tied up with the hectic working hours, I really felt that this was not what I wanted. Getting no such appreciation but more demands and critiques made me feel like resigning even more.

But, when I thought back, "What is my reason being here?", I realized that I had yet to achieve what I wanted to see and experience. And most importantly, I have not been seen. I am still drowning (or someone drowns me) and rolling in the deep sea. So, I should make my way up there and show everyone my capacity. I am not just a little girl that they can underestimate or bully. I am a very huge girl, deep in my mind and deep in my heart.

I realize that people may not think I am capable in doing certain things due to my age and my minimum experience in this line, but this motivates me to show them that the willingness to learn can beat everything. I am a learner and only a learner can walk on the path regardless of the obstacles.

So, I agree (and I assume you agree) that this is not my time to move on yet. I still have some tasks to do before I can decide what I really want for my future. School? Design firm? Contractor? Another line of job? Who knows?

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

Mom: Kalo emang ga hepi sama kerjaan yang sekarang, cari kerjaan baru la, pindah... Daripada kamu stress...
Me: Nantilah, mau tahanin dulu...
Mom: Tapi kalaupun udah pindah ke tempat baru belum tentu bisa dapet lebih baik dari yang sekarang...
Me: Makanya... Udah la, enakan pulang rumah aja, belajar masak terus ikut audisi MasterChef tahun depan...
Mom: Gaya kamu, masak telor setengah mateng aja belum tentu bisa...
Me: *jleb*

Mom never fails to cheer me up!!!!

Love you!

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

I have a friend. She was attached for 3 days before breaking up with her boyfriend.

I have another friend. She worked for 2 days before she resigned and joined other company.

I have one more friend. He joined this company out of curiosity, managed to bear with it for one month, and quit.

I wonder whether it is so easy to walk away.

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~