aLL 'BouT 'Fe-Ar'

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

"You are one year before the slavery," that's what I heard from my supervisor yesterday and that really made my brain works.

I knew he just threw some jokes, but really, I felt his words were true, compeletely true. About one year later, I will be going inside the circle of slavery and be one of them. I will be a slave. I will work at least 8 hours a day and please every requests the consumers put. I don't know if I am ready for that routines from monday to friday for the rest of my life.

Now, I am an internship student. I go to work everyday, but I am not an employee. I wear office attire everyday, but I am still undergraduate student. I travel to the office for one and half hours everyday, but I still use tertiary concession card. I am in the grey zone, I am not sure who I am, I don't know what I am supposed to call myself, I don't understand what I am doing, I am totally lost.

Sitting in the office, on a hydraulic chair, in front of a PC, for eight hours a day, for almost two months, is sure unhealthy. It's not the physical health I talk about. Okay, maybe it really makes you unhealthy: your skin becomes dry, your eyes become very tired on looking at the screen all day long, your tummy gets bigger due to the lack of exercise; but what I am talking about is the mental health. I feel it, yes. I feel so bored of this life.

I wake up at 6, go out of my room at 7, arrive at the office at 8.30, have my luch at 12.30, go back to the ofice at 1.15, knock off at 5.30 everyday. Everyday, note that. I am trapped inside this cycle. After the office hour is over, my happiness evaporates quickly because that means another working day is in front of my eyes. If I sleep, I will find the other day faster, if I don't sleep, I will feel very tired and long for the pillow very much. If I stay at my room, I feel like nothing for me to do, if I go to somewhere else, I really want to get back and have a proper rest.

One thing that totally makes me hate being on internship is the lack of work. I go round and round to ask my colleagues for work, but still, I get nothing. Sometimes I helped them, yes, it's true. But I am not satisfied. I want more work, I want to be busy like the others, I want to contribute, I want to learn, I want to feel the atmosphere of being an employee, not being a jobless employee.

Gosh, I have lost my spirit to go to work, actually. I think it's not worth it to get up so early in the morning and travel so far only to be an invisible figurine inside an office. It's better for me to sleep at my room and do whatever I like. But sometimes, when I just thought back, it's normal for an internship student to get no attention from any other colleagues since it will be wasting of their precious time for explaining things. Maybe it's faster for them to do it by themselves.

Sigh, these things are really complicated. I am in the middle of everything. I am floating like an egg inside a jar full of salt water. I am floating and I am stuck. I can't step on to the bottom of the jar, neither go up and get some fresh air.

Gees, I need to refrag my brain and my spirit.

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

Oh My God!

My whole night just seemed like hell. I went to sleep at about 10.30 to let my body have a real rest, but I almost had no sleep for all night long. Yeah, I was waken up every certain minutes by my new room mate. She was moving in, yes, in the middle of the night!!!

I am so stressed. I felt like this whole three months would be another disastrous journey. She even disturbed and annoyed me on her first day in this room. I dropped her a 'hi' but she never bothered. Gosh, I was rejected even for the first simple greeting.

Hell, she even didn't introduce herself. She kept unpacking and settling her stuffs until about 5, maybe. And I kept being waken up to see that the lights were still on.

God, bless me!
Amen!

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

Life is a choice and we have made lot of decisions along the way. Sometimes we turned right, sometimes we chose to keep walking, sometimes we decided to take a break for a while. And those choice was ours, not others'. Yeah, maybe people around us can affect how we think and act towards certain things, but the one taking the role on the critical time is us, only us. This is our own life and no one can change what we have decided, they just can give us some points of view. That's it.

When I was in kindergarten, my mum wanted to skip my grade-B class and let me enter elementary school earlier, but I don't know why, I decided not to go with my mum's plan. I wanted to have my year in grade-B. I chose my own way. And she couldn't do anything.
Another time, when I was supposed to enter elementary school, my mum wanted me to enter a school that my brother would enter later. Her reason was the convenience for her to bring and pick us up everyday. But again, I decided to enter another school, a girls' school and she couldn't do anything, again.

See, I've been so stubborn since I was a little girl. I chose my own way since this is my own life. I chose my own schools, I chose people I liked and I didn't like, I chose my style, I chose my way of thinking, I chose my friends and acquaintances, I chose how to behave, I chose my way of life, and I chose my own happy ending.

Yeah, I didn't always make a good choice, I admit. Sometimes I regretted what I did and sometimes I thought about finding a time machine and change my decision. But I knew I just couldn't. What I should do was just attempting to turn everything to be better. Maybe on one junction, I turned to the wrong way, but I could try to find another junction and get back to my desired track.

I've been very lost before. I chose a horrible turn that led me to a very dark and empty street. I was so naive and foolish that could be fooled that way. I was completely lost. But thanks God, I managed to get back to my life with all of my strength and of course, someone helped me. I owed him a very big thanks.

Sometimes I thought people were trying to steering me. Sometimes I was indecisive enough to be steered and follow the way they showed me although it was not what I wanted. Sometimes I hated myself for being not able to stand on my own decision. Sometimes I just felt like a doll. But at other times, I realized, some of the turns I made because of other people were not always bad. They tried to show me other possible ways to go.  They tried to give me other choices to be considered. So, later, I must be more open yet determined. I shouldn't be lost inside my own life. The brush for the final touch is in my hand.

And now, I do hope that I am on a good path that leads me to a very happy ending I always dream about. I hope Singapore, NTU, Civil Engineering, CEE Club, ICN, Hall 6, AECOM, and Andri are really choices that I will not regret later. I do hope that later, when I walk back through my memories, I will be smiling and saying million thanks to God for everything I have chosen in my life.

And later, I will live happily ever after.
The end.

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

Hey!
I forgot to post this!


He's now an 18-year-old boy now and he'll be going to the university this mid 2010. Time sure flies so fast. I still can remember how we usually had a fight about one simple thing. I still can remember how he was addicted to smack down and hit me here and there. I still can remember how he always cried every single time he got too many homeworks. I still can recall, yes, it's still fresh.

He's my 2nd birthday present. God gave him to me and my family 2 days before my 2nd birthday and it was really amazing how God arranged the timing. He was born exactly the same day and the same time as me. Wednesday, 10.20am.

He's not the perfect brother, of course, but I don't want another brother. He's the one and only and I love him. =)

And this year is sure very special to him. He got a birthday present from Universitas Parahyangan. He will be a student there!!!!
CONGRATULATION!!!
You will shine, Bro!!!

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

It's a shame! My last post was on January 17th and now the calendar has already been showing February 6th. Maybe no one checked my blog now since there's even no a single update. LOL.

Really, since the first day I came back to this tiny little dot, I was extremely super super busy. Yeah, Indonesian Cultural Night was approaching and I even couldn't breathe well for the last one month. Everyday I woke up at 6am since I needed to go to Bugis to do my internship. I rushed back to NTU to attend meetings and rehearsals, rehearsals and meetings. My schedule was sooooo packed! Even on the weekend, I couldn't have my rest. I must wake up very early to, again, attend the rehearsals.

Although I was so busy that I couldn't have time for myself and of course, my bf *sorry dear*, I was very happy to see the result. The event was quite successful and all the committee did their best. All put their effort and their dedication and see, we are the one smiling at the end now.

Since I decided to join this committee, I have learnt a lot, yeah, A LOT and I never regretted my decision that time. All of us were really zero when we stepped into the community and now we stepped out with a bowl full of experience, knowledge, and friendship.

This is the experience I will not forget for the rest of my life, I am sure. =)

But, my own life seemed a bit abandoned because of this. A bunch of sorry for them, really. I seldom replied my mom's message and I rejected her calls during meetings. I am so sorry, Mom. I didn't mean to not care for  you, I didn't mean to be a bu-xiao-sun-de-hai-zhi. I am really sorry. And of course, to my bf, I realized that I didn't put him in the top priority list due to this, but I didn't mean to. I even didn't put myself in my priority list! Haha. Maybe that's why he was so emotional this whole month. He wanted to catch my attention back. Lol. So sorry, Dear. XD

And, oh yeah, I forgot, I also abandoned my room! I didn't tidy up for a whole month and in the end of ICN, I just realized, my room was soooooo messy and dirty. XP

Indonesian Cultural Night 2010 is over and I feel very happy yet very sad. I have no more activities since the school club biggest event is already over. I feel like surfing the net is not that fun anymore. I feel like something is missing during my 'unbusy' night. Oh Gosh, I am about to be hyperactive, I guess.

I think I need to tidy up my life now, get used to my new activities, and try to live my life happily. For organizational thing, I will think about that later. =D

Tomorrow is my 20th birthday and I wish I can be a better person this year. I won't be a teenager anymore tomorrow onwards. Wish me luck!

J'aime ma vie!

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~