aLL 'BouT 'Fe-Ar'

"You are one year before the slavery," that's what I heard from my supervisor yesterday and that really made my brain works.

I knew he just threw some jokes, but really, I felt his words were true, compeletely true. About one year later, I will be going inside the circle of slavery and be one of them. I will be a slave. I will work at least 8 hours a day and please every requests the consumers put. I don't know if I am ready for that routines from monday to friday for the rest of my life.

Now, I am an internship student. I go to work everyday, but I am not an employee. I wear office attire everyday, but I am still undergraduate student. I travel to the office for one and half hours everyday, but I still use tertiary concession card. I am in the grey zone, I am not sure who I am, I don't know what I am supposed to call myself, I don't understand what I am doing, I am totally lost.

Sitting in the office, on a hydraulic chair, in front of a PC, for eight hours a day, for almost two months, is sure unhealthy. It's not the physical health I talk about. Okay, maybe it really makes you unhealthy: your skin becomes dry, your eyes become very tired on looking at the screen all day long, your tummy gets bigger due to the lack of exercise; but what I am talking about is the mental health. I feel it, yes. I feel so bored of this life.

I wake up at 6, go out of my room at 7, arrive at the office at 8.30, have my luch at 12.30, go back to the ofice at 1.15, knock off at 5.30 everyday. Everyday, note that. I am trapped inside this cycle. After the office hour is over, my happiness evaporates quickly because that means another working day is in front of my eyes. If I sleep, I will find the other day faster, if I don't sleep, I will feel very tired and long for the pillow very much. If I stay at my room, I feel like nothing for me to do, if I go to somewhere else, I really want to get back and have a proper rest.

One thing that totally makes me hate being on internship is the lack of work. I go round and round to ask my colleagues for work, but still, I get nothing. Sometimes I helped them, yes, it's true. But I am not satisfied. I want more work, I want to be busy like the others, I want to contribute, I want to learn, I want to feel the atmosphere of being an employee, not being a jobless employee.

Gosh, I have lost my spirit to go to work, actually. I think it's not worth it to get up so early in the morning and travel so far only to be an invisible figurine inside an office. It's better for me to sleep at my room and do whatever I like. But sometimes, when I just thought back, it's normal for an internship student to get no attention from any other colleagues since it will be wasting of their precious time for explaining things. Maybe it's faster for them to do it by themselves.

Sigh, these things are really complicated. I am in the middle of everything. I am floating like an egg inside a jar full of salt water. I am floating and I am stuck. I can't step on to the bottom of the jar, neither go up and get some fresh air.

Gees, I need to refrag my brain and my spirit.

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~