aLL 'BouT 'Fe-Ar'

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

I just don't know how to continue studying now. Not that I have been so well-prepared for the last two exams, not that I have finished studied all the materials, not that I believe I can score 100 marks out of 100. I am just too bored to continue studying. I want this exam to end as soon as possible. I feel like going to sleep now and wake myself up tomorrow afternoon, so that I can straightly shower, have my lunch, and go to the exam hall.

Twelve days have passed since my first exam, but I am still in the middle of my battle. I still have two more to beat tomorrow and the day after. However, my brain wants holiday RIGHT NOW.

So, what am I doing now? Continuously checking FB and Twitter. Watching random videos on YouTube. And yawning over and over.

I have tried to call people on MSN but they seem too busy to entertain me. I have also messaged bf, but he is seriously studying for his last exam tomorrow, so I feel it's not right to disturb him.

I just want to finish this smoothly and I'll welcome my last holiday.

To do list for holiday:
- eating molen, bakpia, mochi, martabak, mie, pempek, model, tekwan, lenggang, etc, etc, etc
- baking some foodies with mama
- learning how to cook some simple dishes
- going to cinema and K-Box with besties
- having photo taking session with besties
- cooking with besties
- spending new year's eve together with besties
- spending quality times with family and friends

And in this upcoming holiday:
I WILL EAT HARD, PLAY HARD!!!

But don't forget, I have application form to complete.
So, additional to do list:
- writing motivation letter
- writing my CV

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

I guess, I am just the one who feels lonely... Nobody else...

*should not bug people in their exam preparation*
*get back to my own study*

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

... all of a sudden I feel worried about my examination results?

... I am afraid to disappoint myself and my parents?

... I think I haven't put the greatest effort of mine?

... I am so scared of not being able to keep everything I have achieved?

God, please help me.
Thank you.
I love You.

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

Once upon a time, there's this girl. She knew me and I knew her, since we lived in the same hall for several years.

Prior to the new semester, each of us was allocated a room. I got the room she wanted so much and she  asked me to exchange my room ILLEGALLY with hers. Of course I refused this idea since I was the one who got the room from THE FIRST ROUND and the location of my room is DEFINITELY BETTER than hers.

Then she left MY ROOM with a big chunk of disappointment.

I never thought that she was really mind about getting this room. Until one day, when I was alighting from the bus, she was queuing up to hop on it. I smiled to her and she threw away her face from me. Then I thought, "Okayyyy, she is pissed off with my rejection" and never thought about it anymore.

And today, just now, several minutes ago, I met her again. I pulled the door opened at the exact moment when she pushed the door to enter the toilet. I was about to say sorry, but when I saw her face, I just kept my mouth shut. She looked at me, like I was blocking her way and as if I wasn't supposed to stand in front of her. Helooooooo, this is public toilet, YOUR MAJESTY.

She thinks THIS HALL IS HERS, ISN'T SHE???? And everyone MUST entertain her wish? Hey, not me, of course.

Should she mad when I rejected her crazy request??? She's totally insane. Crazy. Bitch.


U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

Ya ampun, I am soooo sad. Mom wanted us to spend CNY at Lembang and I got very excited. I planned to head back to Jakarta on Feb 1st and come back here on Feb 8 since only at that two dates I can find a super cheap air ticket. But, mom said it's too long for them to be out of town. She wanted to go to Jakarta on Feb 1st, head to Bandung and Lembang on Feb 2nd, head back to Jakarta on Feb 5, and go back to Palembang on Feb 6th. It means she wants to leave bro on his birthday and leave me one day before my birthday. I guess, I always expect too much.

Maybe it's better for me to spend CNY and birthday here with bf and his FYP report?

This year is not going to be a good one :(

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

One week before my second last exam in my second last semester.

Feeling:
- sleepy (yuppp)
- excited (to welcome holiday)
- festive (as Christmas is approaching)

In mind:
- Sleep
- Studying schedule for next few days
- Mom and home
- Bf and his port tour tomorrow
- CNY

Has done:
- Setting aside all Steel lecture notes
- Cleaning and tidying up my room
- Doing my laundry
- Registering Stephen as my referee and providing him all necessary informations
- Applying for the post of Project Engineer in LTA

Happy for:
- Having bf to support me

Sad for:
- Being too far away from home
- Missing the chance to get a lifetime membership from Sour Sally

To do list:
- Study Structure III
- Study Excavation and Retaining Wall
- Go to Orchard
- Buy chocolates that mom asked me to buy
Okay, stop, it's too long term

So, STUDY!!!


U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

Two hours before my second exam.

Feeling:
- nervous (of course.)
- bored (yeah, definitely)
- sleepy (aha!)

In mind:
- home
- leisure
- CNY
- graduation trip
- traveling

To do list:
- clean and tidy up my room
- register Stephen as another referee
- apply for LTA


Yeah, okay, get back to business. First thing first.

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

Apakah air mata itu tanda kelemahan?
Mengapa air mata tak pernah bisa menyembuhkan hati yang tercabik-cabik?

Dan air mata ini, mengalir dan terus mengalir, seperti hendak mengatakan pada dunia bahwa terlalu banyak sudah yang tersimpan dalam hati ini. Ia mengalir dan terus mengalir, seperti hendak menjeritkan kepedihan dari luka yang tertanam dalam. Dan ia mengalir dan terus mengalir, tanpa pernah perduli apa kata dunia.

Aku di sini bersama air mataku, yang menyuarakan keputusasaanku. Aku di sini bersama air mataku, yang membuka kunci kebisuanku. Aku di sini bersama air mataku, yang mengakui ketakberdayaanku dengan lapang dada. Hanya aku dan air mataku.

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

I am feeling blue
A gloomy cloud on stormy day
I need some clue
For leading me on the right way


I am feeling blue
Yes, I am feeling blue

I am feeling so blue right now. My head is just too full, but the thoughts keep coming and pushing into my small brain. I need an external brain, if only I could.

I feel so angry. I am angry to those brainless-but-have-too-many-mouths people. I am angry to those who just believe to what they hear without digesting anything. I am angry to those who just watch and don't do anything. I am even angry to myself for being such a useless person: I cannot do anything here, except crying, praying, and cursing.

I really need a savior, to lead me out of this problem. I don't know what should I do. I even don't know to whom I should pour my tantrum. It's just keep piling inside me and maybe some time later, it will explode and cause a big disaster.

I've been thinking, I will reach the highest state I can reach, being rich and make those bad-mouth people feel jealous even more. I'll let them talk everything they want to talk, but I'll show them that I am the strongest one, and I'll protect my loved ones. If they dare to hurt any one of my loved ones, I'll kill them.

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

me: So we'll go to Orchard after exam?
bf:   Who on earth doesn't go to Orchard after exam?
me: ...

I want to enjoy Christmas... Ugh... Three papers to go...

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

And I am craving for iPhone, since bf showed me an application to write diary... Oh, My... The interface is sooo cool and you can write, paste some pictures, tag people, and do other beautiful stuffs...

I want it I want it I want it *for Christmas*


U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

And he asked me to consider a postgraduate study in NTU since ha had about 50 scholarships to be awarded. Moreover, it's a joint courses between NTU and UCB!!!

Should I consider????

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~