aLL 'BouT 'Fe-Ar'

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

What I did, what I said, what I thought, seemed so wrong on people's eyes. Am I that bad? Did I do so many bad things to people around me? I am so tired of this drama. I should escape, run, fly. Far far away so that nobody will find and torture me anymore.

I am tired. I just want to turn back the time and curl inside the baby blanket.

I am still too fragile for this harsh world.

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

That's your boat, your boat you are steering
That's your car, your car you are driving
And
That's your life, your life you are living

None is gonna control to turn or not to turn
None is gonna shout to you to stop or to move on
None, yeah, none is gonna overpower you on your life

They are just caring, they are just loving you
They love you, they love you

They just try to find some ways to make you realized

You are loved
You are not supposed to fail
You are going to shine

It's all about you
Not me, not them, not her, neither him
It's all about you

And they love you
They don't want to see any regret on your face
They don't want to watch any tears rolling down from your eyes
They don't want to witness you falling
They love you
So much
Or too much

But sometimes you are too proud of yourself
You take everything as an insult
But sometimes you are too stubborn to listen
You take everything as an underestimation

But I should remind you
They love you
That's why they are being so annoying to you
That's why they keep repeating the same thing to you

But if you want to walk alone
They shall grant it to you
Because when they decide to fall silent
None will bother anymore

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

There's a denial, at first. I didn't believe, I chose not to believe.
And then there's a feeling of betrayal. I felt stabbed, I was disappointed.
Sadness came and greeted after. I didn't want to believe, but I knew it was real.
Of course, fury burnt me to the core. I felt like ruining their life even more.

And now, everything has disappeared.
I am numb as ever.
I feel nothing torturing me.

I even kinda enjoy my loneliness.
And I enjoy imagining their broken life.

Leave me alone.
Or I'll tear you into pieces.

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

Once upon a time, there's a rooster and at the same time, there's a bat. The rooster always fancies the way bat can fly and hunt in the night. The bat is so unlike the rooster, who barely sees everything after twilight. The bat has super power, it's what the rooster thinks.

On the other hand, the bat is always amazed of the rooster's ability to stay awake from early morning. Unlike the bat, the rooster wakes up the earliest and never sleeps during the day. The bat thinks that the rooster is super strong.

And so, and so, these two super creatures start a relationship. They fancy each other, they like each other.


U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

Title: First Day of School

Mission: Complete the 'back-to-school' day

7AM: Woke up.

10AM: Felt annoyed by the sound of the damn grinder, stopped watching, stopped wrapping up FYP results, went out of room.

11.30AM: Felt like throwing a tantrum in the library after knowing that the stupid library computer didn't have any program to open a .pdf file, queueing a long long way to see the idiot computer didn't show my print job, feeling annoyed by so many people blocking the hall way, and realizing that everything there sucked!

12.30PM: Finished the first class of the semester with A/P TZ. Felt a bit lost sometime, but the class was sure fun

1.30PM: Finished the second class with A/P SCK and A/P LYM by watching a video about offshore engineering. felt terrified by the size of the hollow sections they used and the risky working environment.

2PM: Finished a super quick lunch with bf and rushed to the supervisor's office.

2.15PM: Finished the FYP meeting with professor with a better insight and more load to be carried.

2.45PM: Reached the room and realized that the damn grinder was still working

3.15PM: Finished writing this post and felt like sleeping while waiting for bf to come

MISSION ACCOMPLISHED

Results:
- determined not to work on offshore site
- be ensured that the lit review is okay
- getting a new (or probably other 2 or 3) case(s) to be modeled
- missing holiday

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

Matahari berkedip, aku terbangun
Tersenyum aku mulai hariku


Matahari tertidur, aku pun tidur
Air mata temani sepiku

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

I never wish for much, I always tell myself. Just a thing or two so I know I am still loved and cherished.
I never ask for too many, you know it. Just a thing or two so I know someone is thinking of me all the time.
I never want too much, never ever. Just a thing or two so I know I am as precious as a gem.

Just a thing or two. To get me back to the line.
Just a thing or two. To let me shine like a sun.
Just a thing or two. Yes, just a thing or two.
To give me the loving feeling back.

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

I've been thinking, there are so few places I have ever visited. I am nearly 21 and my eyes are still seeing so little of this world. Not even 1% of it.

Since I was in primary school, I decided that my biggest dream is to round the world. I wanted to visit every corner of this big big world. It's my dream, and I will work hard to make it come true.

Places I have gone in Indonesia:
- Lampung
- Jambi
- Medan
- Jakarta
- Bandung
- Jogjakarta
- Semarang
- Malang
- Bali
- Lombok

Places I have visited overseas:
- Singapore
- Kuala Lumpur
- Johor Bahru
- Hongkong
- Macau
- Shenzhen

It's so few, even too few for someone willing to complete every bits and pieces of the jigzaw puzzle of this world. So, I have set my mind, starting this year, I will travel over and over. And I want to visit Europe, before I get married. The least is going to Europe for my honeymoon, later. :P

For this year, I have been thinking some getaways. First is Vietnam trip with my fellow IndoCEE to celebrate our graduation on June. I am kinda sad to know that they seem a bit reluctant now. I am willing to continue with my plan whether they are coming or not. My family will happily accept this plan I think.

I also want to go to either Thailand or South Korea. I hope I can go at the end of 2011.

And next year, I would like to go to Thailand or South Korea, whichever I haven't visited at the end of 2011. I also wish to go to Beijing for 2012.

The next places to go may be some other places in China, Aussie, Manado (Bunaken), Papua, Egypt, etc etc.
And of course, again, EUROPE!!!

I will work hard and save hard. I wish I could bring my parents to Europe with my own money.

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

I say, "Something's missing"
You deny it

I insist. "I feel it."
"Just your feeling," you tell me

"I witness it myself."
You never want to admit. "What you witness is not true."

You never want to listen to me.
I am lost.

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

Diabaikan. Tak dimengerti. Tak dianggap.
Itu aku.

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

12th January 2011. Am I too late for a resolution?
I hope not.

12 days have passed since the torch-passing from 2010 to 2011. On the New Year's Eve, I was planning to treat the night as other 364 nights: sleep soundly and wake up on another year. But, I ended up crying all night. This so called family-related long winded problem has become so frustrating that my heart ached so much every single time I thought about it. I started 2011 with tears rolling down my face, but I will sure end this year with a big satisfied smile so that people cannot laugh at me or my parents anymore. You see it later, Bastard!

And these 12 days, I've gone through a baking session and a lunch with my besties: Lisa, Valen, Renni, and Dya; I've tried to mend the problem that was eating my family's and my energy; I've been through a row with bf; I've attended my first interview; and I've decided to be a successful lady that can make everyone's jaw to drop looking at me.

I will be getting my examination results in 6-day time, so my first wish for 2011 is getting a satisfying results so the GPA can help to improve my previous CGPA.

And of course, I want to work harder to make sure that I get a good future, either by continuing my study or starting a career in Singapore. I will pray and pray harder so that God will show me the right path. I put my best effort to my future, because I want my parents to be proud of me and I want people to stop underestimate, tease, and talk bad about them. I will have another interview in about one month time, so I hope for a smooth and good way to pass this one. And of course, if God permits, there will be some other future interview sessions. Amen.

Another resolution that I want to achieve is having a good relationship with bf. I want less row, less anger, less tears, and of course, more love, more laughter, more understanding. I am sure we can achieve it, we just need to be more mature. I am trying and I hope bf is trying right there, too.

One thing to note, I want to get rid of excess 2 kg I gained during my short holiday. I want to exercise regularly and get back to my diet plan. I want to run and swim more this semester since I have less classes and this is my last semester as an undergraduate, by the way. So, wish my spirit burns quite huge throughout the semester.

Some other things I want to achieve:
1. More maturity in dealing with every problems; meaning less tears, less tantrum, more wisdom.
2. Less selfishness. I should learn that not every single time I need to be special or treated specially. I am only human, just like others.
3. Less prejudice. I, somehow, think a bit too much.
4. More open; to either old or new friends, I'm entering new clusters in no time.

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

I always want to be a candle, a torch, a lamp, a star
to bring light and show the right path to the loved one

But the ignorance shows up too often
upsets me too much
makes my heart sink to the very bottom
gets me lose my confidence

I never succeed even to be a small candle
I keep failing to bring the light


U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~