aLL 'BouT 'Fe-Ar'

It's love, it's care, it's passion, it's whatever-you-name-it-yourself.

We walked round and round and round before
We held hands and stayed side by side
We sat next to each other
We talked so much
We were happy

Are we happy now?
Do we talk as much as before?
Do we sit down and enjoy our togetherness?
Do we hold each other's tightly and never let go everything?
Do we say thanks for every little step our foot set on this earth?

Yes, we are and we sure will.
Because we have what they call LOVE.

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

After 15 days of working, I have felt so many things. Sometimes I felt excited about so many things that would greet me ahead, but at any other time, I felt so down and miserable like I had chosen the wrong path for my future.

I have stepped out of my comfort zone, I realize. There's no more lectures and tutorial classes to attend, there's no more IndoCEE pals to have lunch with, there's no more shuttle bus here and there, there's no more time to meet bf every single day, there's no more cheap food and room, there's no more scholarship, there's no more flexibility and freedom.

My life is now very straight forward: wake up in the morning, take a shower, have some breakfast, walk to the bus stop, catch the bus, walk to the site office, start reading, go for lunch, continue reading, walk back to the bus stop, catch the same bus back home, walk back to my new home, have my dinner, take another shower, and sleep. The cycle has been repeated for three weeks and the boredom makes my mind thinks more and more about life.

I am thankful that I get great colleagues in the office. I make a great 'click' with Rosalind. She's a great pal. She shares a lot of things with me and helps me finding my real position in the company, although I haven't felt any of it. I also feel very thankful that I can met Mr. Nam Seng. He shares with me so many stories about working in this company and he tells me so many things that I never know. I am also very grateful to meet Rajesh. He explains to me so many technical and non-technical working stuffs. He looks very cold at the first glance, but he is friendly inside. And of course, I have Mr. Quek, Mr. Wong, and contracts people downstairs. I am grateful.

However, I often think that I am walking in the wrong path.

• This is not design job. I learnt design for almost four years.
• I need to go to the site very often. I am a girl and I am concerned about my look.
• I get an above standard pay. I do almost nothing in three weeks.

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

Quote of the day:
Water will always find its way

And I will sure will find my way, too... Although there are some barriers in front of me, I will reach the success... Although the path may be a bit long, I will still find what I want... I will grab my dream and be the winner...

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

Now I feel a bit tired of my life, seriously. So many things come in one go and I can't take it. I barely stand now. My feeling gets hurt very easily, I change my thought and determination just like pressing the next button on my ipod, and my prejudice for people around me gets more serious. I feel like walking on a piece of rotten wood. I can fall any time, without any warning.

My future is not clear yet. There are still a lot of junctions ahead for me to choose. I never know which one I will walk on later, and I never know whether I will walk on the right way. Then, I keep thinking about it. So many possibilities, one destination: success. But I don't know which turn to take, when to speed up, and how to overcome the obstacles. And I am very tired.

The relationships I have with people are getting very weird. I know there are a lot of talks behind my back, but I keep smiling in front of them. Why? I don't know. I am tired of playing a nice role while no one actually thinks I am nice. People never think about my feeling, but why should I? I can't have what I want, but why should I entertain everyone? I am tired of being the loser. I am tired of tears and angers. I am tired to hold on this big burden.

And I really need love now. People that really love me are just too far away. Can I stretch out my hands and reach you all? I just want to hug you and get a little bit of peace.

At the end of this post, my tears roll down like a stream. I don't know why. Silly girl.

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

I said before that I didn't care about it anymore. But deep inside, my heart was still longing for that glory. I wanted the pride, for my family, for my boyfriend, for myself. I wanted the prize, to help her.  I wanted it so badly, and I thought my qualification would satisfy the jury. I was confident that I would get it.

But now I realize, I was just too overconfident. I am not as good as I thought before. I am not superior. I am just happened to be selected.

My overconfidence gave me a pair of wings, The wings made me fly. I flied so high. And now the fact shot the arrow and broke my wings. I fell down.

Yes, I fell down.
And it hurts so badly.

I don't know what to do. Should I keep wishing upon it? Should I give up?

Although my brain still pictures a happy ending, I know I should give up.
I should be happy, because happiness is a choice.

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

Today is the seventh day of my new job and I feel no different as an intern. I know nothing, I know nothing, I know nothing.

My PM asked me to read through all the documents and drawings for my project. He even asked me to read through all the method statements for last project. I am so saturated of reading. I want to work. I guess experience is the best teacher, much better than words and stuffs.

He'll be on leave tomorrow and I guess no one will give me any work to do. I will be experiencing another one and half week of boredom. I hope someone will bring me to the site and kill the time. I am tired of sitting and chewing the documents.

Actually, I miss AECOM so much now. I miss Stephen, Shwu Jian, Ch'ng Yih, John, and even the cold-looking receptionist! I miss PLAXIS, I miss GIBR, I miss excel spreadsheet, and I miss the overtime work. I want to get the trust again and be loaded with works.

I hope my PM will get me some work load later. I want to learn. I want to move on from this zero state. I want to be alive, I want to get back my life. Shoo, Zombiness!

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

It's raining very hard as if the sky is pouring down all of his sadness. The thunder keeps shouting to tell the anger. And the clouds surround the sky like trying to hold it tight, and says, "It's okay, Baby. Just cry, just shout, do everything you want. Rainbow will sure come."

After listening, the sky continue to flood the earth with its tears.

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

I wonder, why people like to give me cold face...
Or, is it just my prejudice?

I hope this is just a nightmare...
Because...
My heart is torn apart over and over...

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

Settle down is a bit difficult, I guess. After a big moment in my life, which was the FYP presentation, I started to move on to the next phase of my life. I finished my job for DnD, I moved out from my room in NTU, I moved in to another room in Serangoon, and then I went to Thailand for a break.

Yes, it's a great escape and a great graduation trip. Although I didn't have the graduation trip with my friends, at least I had one, and it's enough. I love my family so much!

And, I have officially started the new chapter of my life: working life. Today is already the fourth day for me to wake up really early, take a quick shower, rush to the bus stop, board the bus 153, sit sleepily inside the bus, alight at Spanish Village bus stop, walk to the site office, and read the tender documents for all day long. I must say that I hope I will get busy soon because I really don't like sit down and do nothing. I will finish my reading tomorrow and ask for some works starting next Monday.

You know, this days remind me to my first few weeks of internship. I had nothing to do, I kept reading, facebook-ing, and email-ing Huili! And I miss all of them, including my slow computer. Haha.

But I am thankful that I find nice people in the office. Rosalind always gives me advices that make my brain keeps thinking. Uncle Nam Seng (I really want to call him Uncle, but I don't dare haha) explains so many things to me that keep my eyes open for things I never know. And the girls downstairs are so friendly with me. I hope I can be happy working here, eventhough I don't think that I want to do project management for my whole life. I still want to do my own event organizing company! XD

And another think I am thankful with, is my result for this semester. It's really a blessing that I can touch the finish line with a perfect movement. Thanks a lot, Prof. Anthony Goh! And thanks a lot, my dear Buddha.

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~