Saturday, June 25, 2011

Morning Talk, Everyday Thought

After 15 days of working, I have felt so many things. Sometimes I felt excited about so many things that would greet me ahead, but at any other time, I felt so down and miserable like I had chosen the wrong path for my future.

I have stepped out of my comfort zone, I realize. There's no more lectures and tutorial classes to attend, there's no more IndoCEE pals to have lunch with, there's no more shuttle bus here and there, there's no more time to meet bf every single day, there's no more cheap food and room, there's no more scholarship, there's no more flexibility and freedom.

My life is now very straight forward: wake up in the morning, take a shower, have some breakfast, walk to the bus stop, catch the bus, walk to the site office, start reading, go for lunch, continue reading, walk back to the bus stop, catch the same bus back home, walk back to my new home, have my dinner, take another shower, and sleep. The cycle has been repeated for three weeks and the boredom makes my mind thinks more and more about life.

I am thankful that I get great colleagues in the office. I make a great 'click' with Rosalind. She's a great pal. She shares a lot of things with me and helps me finding my real position in the company, although I haven't felt any of it. I also feel very thankful that I can met Mr. Nam Seng. He shares with me so many stories about working in this company and he tells me so many things that I never know. I am also very grateful to meet Rajesh. He explains to me so many technical and non-technical working stuffs. He looks very cold at the first glance, but he is friendly inside. And of course, I have Mr. Quek, Mr. Wong, and contracts people downstairs. I am grateful.

However, I often think that I am walking in the wrong path.

  • This is not design job. I learnt design for almost four years.
  • I need to go to the site very often. I am a girl and I am concerned about my look.
  • I get an above standard pay. I do almost nothing in three weeks.
You see? There's a contrary in everything. I know I am fortunate because I get a good pay, but if the workload is kept in this rate, I don't think I will be happy. I want to work not just because of the pay I will receive. Yes, of course I need the pay to survive, but I also want the sense of achievement for my soul to survive. I want to contribute.

I don't think I want this good pay if my soul is in hunger for most of the time.

And recently, I think about AECOM so much. I miss people there, especially SJ! And I miss the work load I received when I was working there. Yes, I was just an intern, I got a very minimal pay. But I got the sense of achievement every single time I finished the task from them. You may say that they exploited me, but I was happy to be treated that way. At least I knew my colleagues trusted me and my skill. They put a responsibility on my shoulder. They believed I could work with them and that motivated me a lot. Although what I got might not be sufficient for me to live, I was happy. And I had a huge motivation to go to work, although I need to wake up before 6 to reach the office on time.

What makes me more puzzled is the fact that most people tell me not to stay too long in this company. I even haven't started my real work yet and so many people has infiltrated my mind. I don't know what to do. I feel so indecisive right now. At one time I can be very sure that I want to try this job before deciding on anything, but at another time, I can be so afraid of losing what I have learnt and feel want to quit this job right away. I am confused, I am puzzled.

U're the best I've ever had

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