aLL 'BouT 'Fe-Ar'

Here we arrive again, at the month where most Muslims are trying to resist their temptation to food and drink during the day. It has been 10 days since the first day of Ramadan this year. This fasting month is actually to simulate how human should bear themselves from all sort of bad deeds.

I am never against this idea of fasting. I have experienced days when I should not eat or drink in front of public since I was told to 'respect' those who were fasting.

That time, I was just a little girl. I didn't think that much. I just did so. I stopped eating my lunch box at class, I drank my water only when no Muslim friends were around.

Even the canteens or restaurants were closed on the day and just opened after the break fast time. If there were some shops opened, the front of the shop should be covered so that people could not see all the foodies inside.

And since I have moved to Singapore, there's no such thing as respecting people who were fasting in that way. The thing was just respecting each other. I respect your fasting day, and you respect my freedom to eat and drink.

I have never thought about this, but sure I preferred this way, not because I became free to eat and drink, but just because this should be the way. I am sure fasting is meant for the Muslims to pull themselves to the limit of resisting the temptations. If everyone just did the same thing, it had no meaning at all.

So, when I read the articles that Indonesian Broadcast Commission wanted to ban all the culinary shows during the fasting time, I felt so embarrassed on my own country. What the hell is this, I am asking myself. Why every single thing should be adjusted to their life style? I am embarrassed, really really embarrassed by their thin determination to fast.

I have a Muslim friend here, and he's totally okay with everything, He never demands for any special treatment during Ramadan. He still goes to site as what he's supposed to do. He still does his full time job and never wants earlier time off. And he even follows his colleagues to the coffee shop for tea time. And I think, this is the real fasting people should do: stick to the daily activities, but don't eat and drink.

Indonesia, can you learn anything?

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

Once daddy told me,


I am proud that my Daddy is a big man...
He knows what to give me...
No money, no property, no gold, but knowledge...

I am sure he knows that I will sure survive this cruel world with my knowledge, not with tons of gold or money...

Daddy...

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

God will not throw the miracle in front of you and say, "Here it is! Enjoy!" yet you must aim for it, fight for it, and reach it with your both hands. There won't be such a miraculous thing if you just sit and wait, like a big potato sack. You should realize that you need the miracle, step out of your comfort zone, and put your best effort until the last minute and second.

But I believe, yes I do believe, that God lends His hands throughout the miracle-seeking journey. So many helps will be sent out. You will realize that there's a way for every single hard time that you pass. You just get the strength and courage you need at the right time, you find the ear and the mouth you wish at the right time, and you see various ways God helps you, IN THE RIGHT TIME!

I have experienced it myself, and there's no doubt about it. GOD WILL HELP YOU, BUT YOU MUST BE THE ONE WHO FIGHTS TILL THE VERY LAST BREATH.

So, let's find our own miracle!

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

It's like, umm, so hard to achieve common understanding... What I want and what you want is totally different... When none of us is going to step back, everything will not work... We will be stuck, yes, stuck... We will be stuck here in the limbo, without knowing that we need to reflect and change... Don't you mind if we sit back and talk heart to heart? Don't you mind not getting angry for any single thing I say? Don't you mind being a little bit wiser? I am tired and my heart is tired. I am trapped, stuck, I cannot move. Please release this chain that tangles me, please work together with me with the love once we have...

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

Ketika kita sudah tak bisa saling menyapa dalam suka
Dan kata-kata berubah wujud jadi amarah
Apakah ada ruang untuk kita berdua?






U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

Twenty six minutes past eight in the morning and I have fully waken up. Although I am not going to work, I can't just continue sleeping until the sun climbs up high. I am just a stupid light sleeper.

While waiting for the time to go to Changi and fetch my family, I think about so many things.

I think about my convocation, which is not very pleasurable for me. I know I haven't gone through it, but I am sure that my heart will hurt to see the award giving ceremony. You may call me jealous, and I admit, yes I am. Everything has been so near for me, but all of a sudden, an invisible hands grasped them and left me alone standing there, waiting. I kept praying, waiting, and believing for the past 5 months, and I am not sure whether another 5 month time can heal the pain. I am heartbroken. You may call me whiner, because I post the same thing over and over. And I proudly admit, yes, I am. I don't want to nag people with my lame failure story, so I just tell everything to my blog. It's not wrong, isn't it?

I think about my eyes. What a body I have: allergic nose, allergic skin, allergic eyes. Maybe I should wear that kind of astronaut outfit to protect myself completely. Haha. Finally after so many rounds of phone conversation with Tan Tock Seng, they managed to get me a slot. And the stupid thing was that the mis-recognized me. I have been put under Singapore citizens/PR queue under so long, but actually I am under foreigner. The eye specialist was quite friendly and I like him. He kept telling me that I had nothing to worry. Did I look that obvious? I hope I can be okay soon, because having certain pain and disease inside your eyes is super terrifying!

And I also think about bf. He has started working since yesterday. I hope he can perform well and prove himself a good staff to be employed. I am ready to be given lower priority under his career, because I love to see a guy pursuing his career whole-heartedly. It's kind of sexy. Hahahaha.

I can't wait for my family to arrive and we will have fun!
Although the whole 25 days of July wasn't nice to me, I hope the rest of it will treat me great! Because I am already very tired of tears for this whole month.
And August, please be nice to me, I beg youuuu.

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

Seeing my friends getting the glory I should have sipped makes me kind of envious. And foremost, my heart is hurt. I should stand there also, being one of them, that's what I think. I have been working so hard, for 4 years to be one of the award recipient in the convocation, but at the end, I get nothing.

Maybe you are asking, why in the first place I want such a thing? I want to see my parents' eyes glowing with pride and happiness. I want them to see me shining. That's all, no other reason.

However, God didn't grant me this wish. I know He has been so nice with me for my four year journey, but why He didn't bother to grant my last wish in my undergraduate life? I want to send the pride to my parents, why He didn't let me do it?

I have been nominated for 3 things and I get nothing. Even my friends that perform slightly worse than me can get at least one minor award, why can't I?

I know I should not be sad, but the feeling just seeps into my heart like water seeps into the structure through the weak joint.

Please, I need the strength to get my chin up and say congratulation to them, with a full sincerity. I need to be brave and I need to accept that I am not staying above the air forever. I am enough flying and now I am back on the cruel world. I am walking, I am falling down, I am bleeding.

Give me strength. One day, I will sure fly again.

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

I've been walking, walking, and walking so far. When I look back, I realize I have so many things changing in my life.

I've been in love to writing since I was introduced to letters, words, and sentences. But I realize, I leave my hobby for the sake of my study, my grade. I remember those time when I wrote poems almost everyday. I remember those moments when my writing went from hand to hand in the class. I remember those days when everything could be put into words so easily: love, spirit, dream, wish, disappointment, anger, and tears.

Now, I get worse in writing. It become much more difficult to put every little piece of my life into words and sentences. I don't know, it is maybe because of my life gets more complicated, or perhaps because of  I just lost my skill.

I still love it, but it's just too difficult for me right now. :(

Once, I had a dream, to be a novelist. But now, that dream has vanished. And I feel sad. Why can't I hold my dream tightly?

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~