aLL 'BouT 'Fe-Ar'

Working is indeed difficult. Not only about the responsibility you need to take for the job and others' expectation of your performance, but it is also about the working environment with random people bossing around you and random people totally ignoring you.

Working is indeed very difficult.

The time you spend for reaching the office, working in the office, and doing your work overtime.
The lunch time, personal time, and resting time you sacrifice for completing your work.
The dissatisfaction you feel when you are unable to meet your own standard.

Before I joined university, people kept saying that uni life is much more slack that schooling time. But later I found that people were just trying to bluff me. There is no such thing called slacking in uni life when you are more grown up and concern about your future.

And before I graduated, I kept thinking that working life could be easier than uni life, I just need to focus on my works. But, again, looks like I have been fooled by my own thought. Working life is much worse. There are so many things I need to think about: my future career path, my bosses' opinion about me, my quality delivery, my working environment, my time management, my this, and my that.

Now I realize I am to attached to my work. I wake up earlier so that I can reach office earlier, I ask my colleagues to help me pack some lunch so that I can continue working, I stay back late to keep doing my work, and I bring my work back home so that I can finish it on time or earlier. Sometimes, I even go back to the office during weekends to clear whatever thing I need to clear. I have a very limited time for myself, bf, and friends. I feel guilty.

Don't get me wrong. I am not complaining about my work. I just think that I need some personal life. My life these few months contains too much, W, O, R, and K. I want to find a work-life balance, but looks like life is just a dream.

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

Today someone told me that I was incompetent because as an engineer, I couldn't even do the admin job properly. I was pissed off, I was hurt. I can't understand why people keep prejudicing me without no ground. Can't they understand that it is so hard to cope for two person job?

And come to think about it, why is it so difficult to contribute? Sometimes I feel that I am redundant. And I feel like disappearing, since I have no use to anything.

What should I do?

Am I that bad?
Am I that useless?

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

When I was reviewing contractor's report template

Me: I think it's quite good already, but you still need to add bla bla bla bla *keep adding things to be included*
Contractor: Hmm *nod*
Me: And this one, very unclear. Did you draw it by hand?
Contractor: No, it's not.
Me: But it's not clear. Can you just use solid circle?
Contractor: But it's donut shape.
Me: But it's not clear.
Contractor: But I like donut!
Me: *burst out laughing*

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

I don't like:

• - when people accuse me without no ground
• - when people don't do their jobs and still assume they are right
• - when people pretend not to know anything when I have explained everything to them at least 3 times
• - when people don't respect me just because I am new, inexperience, and a girl
• - when I am supposed to do tedious and long-winded paper works
• - when I have told myself over and over that I need to go to the site but the time is just not enough
• - when I see the DAR files on my table keep towering up
• - when I cannot find my stationary on my own table
• - when I realize time is running too fast

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

And this letter really made my day...

Although I am not sure whether I will pursue the recognition, at least I have one extra weapon for my future now...

I have passed the Fundamental of Engineering Examination!!!

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

After a presentation, all of us were waiting for the lift.

*Ding*
Listening to the sound, my boss and I quickly rushed into the lift with my contractor team.
But I just realized that the PM hadn't get into the lift yet.
Me: Ehhh, the PM!!!
Contractor 1: *already push the close button*
Contractor 2: It's okay...
Boss: Eh, he hasn't come in yet...
Contractor 1: My PM?
Me: Yesss...
Contractor 1: Oh, nevermind. I thought it's your PM. *looks very relieved*
Me: ...
Boss: Later your boss say: your salary also nevermind!

LOL! At least there's some entertainment in the office.

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

Kusadari dunia terus berputar dan kita ikut berputar-putar di dalamnya, tetapi mengapa kita tak berputar bersama?

Kutahu waktu terus berjalan dan kita ikut berjalan bersama waktu, tetapi mengapa kita tak berjalan beriringan?

Kumengerti kita tak lagi sama seperti dulu, tetapi mengapa kita tak coba bawa kembali cinta kita?

Apakah ini hidup yang aku mau? Apakah ini hidup yang kau mau?
Aku bermain-main dengan hari-hariku dan kau bermain-main dengan hari-harimu?
Lalu tak ada lagi ruang untuk bicara, tertawa, dan habiskan waktu bersama?
Ke manakah hari-hari indah yang dulu?

Bukan ini yang aku mau, mungkin ini yang kau mau.
Ntahlah, aku tak mengerti.

Aku tercekik hari-hariku sendiri.
Dan mungkin aku akan mati dalam kesendirian ini.

Mati.
Dalam kesendirian ini.
Sendiri.
Mati.

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

Tell me in which position I stand.


Number 1? No, I am not sure.
After your work? Maybe.
After your games? Of course.
After your sleep? Absolutely.


Even it's difficult to talk to you now.
I am going crazy.

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

In the panel clinic

During registration
Receptionist: We need your father's name.
Me: But my father is not here.
Receptionist: You just write your father's name.
Me: *write my father's name in confusion and hand it to the receptionist*

After a while
Receptionist: I need your father's name.
Me: I give already.
Receptionist: *take the paper* So, it is your father who works at LTA, right?
Me: No, I am working at LTA.
Receptionist: Ooooh...

With the doctor
Me: So can I get an MC?
Doctor: Sure. Which shool are you in now?
Me: No, I am not schooling anymore.
Doctor: So, you don't need the MC.
Me: I am working now.
Doctor: In LTA?
Me: Yes
Doctor: The youngest worker there, is it? I still think your father is the one who works for LTA. Haha.
Me: ...

At least, I still look young, although 22 is approaching...

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~