aLL 'BouT 'Fe-Ar'

Being together with someone for so long indeed makes us complacent and taking things for granted. We end up transforming the love and passion into daily routine and some sort of obligation. The feeling we have is still the same, but what we pursue to express the love is different. We assume the other party already understand the feeling and no more proof shall be shown. We are human, we are indeed human. We tend to jump to the conclusion ourselves.

Today will never be too late to say I love you to your loved one and show him/her that you care. Today will never be too late.

And tomorrow, tell yourself again, today will never be too late.

Yes, never. Today will never be too late.

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

It's October!

And today marks the exact 16 months of my working life in this company. So many things have happened throughout this short period of time: I learn new things, I know more people, I get new experience. So many emotions I have felt as well throughout these months: happiness, satisfaction, bonding, love, anger, disappointment, frustration, stress, everything. However, I am thankful for this learning opportunity. I am blessed.

There were times when I found myself standing in the middle of nowhere heading nowhere and aiming nothing. I was just lost in space, in time, in everything. Being bored down with all the paperwork, routine, and meetings, as well as being tied up with the hectic working hours, I really felt that this was not what I wanted. Getting no such appreciation but more demands and critiques made me feel like resigning even more.

But, when I thought back, "What is my reason being here?", I realized that I had yet to achieve what I wanted to see and experience. And most importantly, I have not been seen. I am still drowning (or someone drowns me) and rolling in the deep sea. So, I should make my way up there and show everyone my capacity. I am not just a little girl that they can underestimate or bully. I am a very huge girl, deep in my mind and deep in my heart.

I realize that people may not think I am capable in doing certain things due to my age and my minimum experience in this line, but this motivates me to show them that the willingness to learn can beat everything. I am a learner and only a learner can walk on the path regardless of the obstacles.

So, I agree (and I assume you agree) that this is not my time to move on yet. I still have some tasks to do before I can decide what I really want for my future. School? Design firm? Contractor? Another line of job? Who knows?

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

Mom: Kalo emang ga hepi sama kerjaan yang sekarang, cari kerjaan baru la, pindah... Daripada kamu stress...
Me: Nantilah, mau tahanin dulu...
Mom: Tapi kalaupun udah pindah ke tempat baru belum tentu bisa dapet lebih baik dari yang sekarang...
Me: Makanya... Udah la, enakan pulang rumah aja, belajar masak terus ikut audisi MasterChef tahun depan...
Mom: Gaya kamu, masak telor setengah mateng aja belum tentu bisa...
Me: *jleb*

Mom never fails to cheer me up!!!!

Love you!

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

I have a friend. She was attached for 3 days before breaking up with her boyfriend.

I have another friend. She worked for 2 days before she resigned and joined other company.

I have one more friend. He joined this company out of curiosity, managed to bear with it for one month, and quit.

I wonder whether it is so easy to walk away.

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

This is definitely not what I want, but it turns out this way.

I can't guess what is there in front since my future is still wrapped nicely in that box.

I just want to fix this thing, I just want to be sure that you are waiting for me inside that box.

Can I be assured?

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

I have three friends that are closest to me right now. Thanks a lot to smart phones and Whats App that bring us together. There are no days without chatting with them and they are one of the reasons for me to survive. We can talk about anything, from the works, friends, habits, life difficulties, achievement, high school memories, new crush, and any other thing. We usually give advice to each other, show the third-party perspective, and help each other in making decision.

One time, I so hated this person and we got this person a nickname: boss sok besar. The other time, my friend was telling a bit of her interest towards this guy, and this guy suddenly had a code name: Agak-Agak. There were still so many funny names we created. I did not think people will understand what we talked about if they scrolled up the pages and read everything. :D

We can talk about anything, but what we talk about is mostly about work. I am working in a big company with complicated hierarchical system and politics. My two other friends are working in a small enterprise with  stingy boss and crazy working hours. There is one more who just quit from her job and is going to enter a very well-known company in Indonesia. We had different working background, we had different offices, we had different bosses, we had different system and working hours, but we shared the same story: unhappiness about work.

Monday will be the most unhappy day, Friday will be the most cheerful day, Saturday and Sunday will be very quiet because we are all busy with our own thing.

It's a funny relationship that we have. I love them all. Thanks for filling my life, Jesi, Valen, and Wewe! Yeeehaaaa~~~

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

In the operating room, when I was about to get my head stitches
Me: *worried* Will you cut my hair?
Doctor: Do you think I am a barber?
Me: ...

Almost 11pm, when I was seeing my dentist
Nurse: Doc, X is coming now.
Doctor: What? What time is this now? Does she think I am a midnight sale?
Nurse: *speechless*

My sis-in-law was turning on the TV in his car
Niece: (to my dad) Yi gong, yi gong, ini film Harry Kotor. 
All: *burst out laughing*

Sometimes to think about funny and happy time can make you smile, even in your worst condition.

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

I heard a news from my friend who is going to leave Singapore and head back to his hometown. He is leaving for good. He told me that he did not feel any good thing about working here: it's monotonous, it's stressful, it's demanding. He told me that he did not have the passion to work here anymore. His heart is there, at home. He did not have any plan for the future, but he would just help out his parents' business while waiting for the right time to move on.

Am I going to move back to Palembang?

Sometimes I think about it. To be at home is the best thing that can happen. Being with my family, doing what I like, starting up my own company may be ideal. But, what about everything here? What about 1-year contribution to this company? What about 1-year hard work on FYP? What about 4-year struggle in CEE? What about another 1-year of study before the entrance examination? What about my dream? What about people I care about?

I think I need some time to reflect, to meditate, and find my vision. I did not have any now.

I need enlightenment.

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

Night is still so young. I am wondering whether this is my call to be here. Everything seems so smooth here: waking up at 6:30, getting out of the house at 7:30, reaching the office at 8:30, having lunch at 12:00, attending daily meeting at 17:00, knocking off from office at 18:00, going to the gym afterwards, having dinner, and reaching back home at 21:00. Everything is so smooth yet BOOOOORING.

Deep in my heart, I want something new, I want something challenging. But, the guts I have are not that big for me to step out of this comfort zone. To say I am comfortable with my life now is wrong, but it is still my comfort zone. My feet have already recognized the path, my brain have already been so familiar with the routines.

I am thinking of so many things. I want to study. I want to change job. I want to quit and be my own boss. I want to take a long holiday. I want to learn cooking. I want to change my identity and start a brand new life. Ooops.

I feel like standing in front of so many rooms in a circular room. I don't know what is behind, yet I shall choose one room only and once I enter the room, I will not have a chance to turn back. My choice may be right or wrong. I may lose what I have now, I may gain another thing.

I am confused.

I


feel


like


...


asking for Doraemon's help

Shit.

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~