aLL 'BouT 'Fe-Ar'

I wish I could go back to the time when the topics of conversation were mainly your relationship, other people's relationship, school assignments and exams, and those TV series. I wish I could go back to the time when I did not need to wake up very early everyday and wear trousers and blouse. I wish I could go back to the time when most people around me were more sincere and honest. I wish I could, I wish I could.

Everything in my life has changed. I am no more a student, I am no more a child. When I was there being a student and being a kid, I saw working life as a heaven for me: no need to go through sleepless night for exams and assignments, weekends are free day for yourself, earning money for yourself. Yet, when I look back now, those days were my heaven, actually.

I just realized that I was too weak to face this world. I get hurt and I cry so easily. I don't know what is wrong with me, but I think I am not ready for this tough adult life. I am not ready.

I was so disappointed and I felt betrayed by how people treated me. I felt like people have faked me and I was so dumb to believe all of their stories. I was a dumbass. Now I started to query everyone and I felt so bad to myself as I was so lacking in trust.

I did not believe how people could just blame others for things. I thought we were working as a team, but why the blame should be cascaded down? Why did not us take the blame together? Although I was not condemned, I was not shouted at, but I felt so disappointed by how my boss blamed my staff. I felt even more pissed when she said, "All of you break my rice bowl!". If she thought her own staff broke her rice bowl, was it right for her to break her staff's heart? I don't think so.

I have stuck in this position for so long: I did the backstage thing for my boss to showcase, I had no power over my contractor, I felt redundant and invisible in the eyes of the bosses up there. But what could I do? I kept quiet. I was tired of doing my role as a Personal Assistant to my boss, but I took it as a learning stage. I shall not imitate her when I am up there somewhere later. I hope I can. I don't want my subordinate to feel what I feel now.

I am so lost. I feel like I am drowning in a big pond of shit and I will die soon. Nobody cares and I am the one struggling like mad but I still can't get out of this pond. I am dying and I will die.

I can't tell my closest one also. They have their own matters to think about. Why should I bother them? If I tell my mom and dad, they will be very worry and I don't want it to happen. And I can't tell bf since he is so busy right now. We even barely talk nowadays. And it is so difficult for us to meet on weekends due to my work. Sometimes I want to cry, but I always think that I shall be committed and I shall deliver my best. I am sorry for bf, I am sorry for myself.

I think I am too sad today. Even chocolate could not help me.

God, help me.

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~