aLL 'BouT 'Fe-Ar'

I feel the heartache. It's almost nothing but still hurt me so badly. I am ashamed to tell this to anyone, but I just feel offended.

Can you please think about my feeling before you open your mouth???

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

Exactly one month before the big day. I am sure excited. but on the other side, I am scared. I am so blessed to have so many people supporting me and I am so blessed to have been given this power and determination to fight for it. I am so blessed. However, I can't deny that I am afraid of losing this battle. I am afraid that what effort I have put is not enough, I am afraid that I am not equipped well enough, I am afraid that one and another thing will trip my step and make me falling down.

I know God will not let me handle anything that is beyond my strength. I know God will give me the strength and the blessing. But, the feeling of fear still comes anyway.

So, how to be fear free kind of person?
Can I?

Now what I can do is just continue what I have started and fight till the very last second of the battle.

I will make sure if I lose, I will lose and die in glory.

But if possible, I wish I am the one who smiles till the very end.

I will win.
I will be the winner.

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

A guy in Solo was attacked by a group of people that claimed themselves to be the fighter of Islam. Why? Did this guy spit on the roof of a mosque? No. Or did he punch a Muslim? Of course no.

So? What did he do that made these people so angry?

He just happened to wore a T-shirt when he met them, a T-shirt with the wordings: "God, what is your religion?"

When they saw the words printed on the shirt, they confronted the guy to take off his shirt by calling him 'Kafir' over and over. But this guy, thinking that he did nothing wrong, refused to do so. At the end, he just got physically attacked.

To read this kind of thing on the news, I feel very miserable. How can people fight on the name of their God? How can they justify that they did the right thing by attacking the guy that had no business with them? How can they proudly call any other people Kafir? I just can't believe.

What is God? Who is God?

No one knows, including those Front Pembela Islam. So, what's the matter of asking God what is His religion? Even God didn't scold this guy, why should them???

I just think that they are stupid, they never know that the sentence is to bring up the religious harmony. Stupid. Stupid. STUPID. S.T.U.P.I.D.

In my religion, God is Tian, literally means Sky. I don't have enough knowledge to explain what is the philosophy behind this name. But, I believe that God is as big as the sky, borderless, and unreachable. This is just my opinion, and please forgive me if I am wrong. But at least, look at the fact that I am totally agree with any God people worship.

I pray to God, I believe in God. But I really don't understand how those people who claim themselves to be super religious choose to fight on the name of their God instead of live peacefully with other living beings. It's just too sad.

One thing for sure, GOD WILL NOT WANT HIS PEOPLE TO FIGHT OVER HIS NAME.

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

A great morning with a great spirit...

I am happy that I have managed this week without any single anger, disappointment, or tears. I hope I can continue practicing this behavior till the end of my life...

When I am happy, I am sure I can affect people's happiness as well... And when everyone is happy, we will have a much much more beautiful world... So, let's be happy and let's be grateful for everything we have and every single air we breathe...

Life is wonderful...

Ah la la la la la la life is wonderful
Ah la la la la la la life goes full circle
Ah la la la la life is wonderful
Ah la la la la la
(Jason Mraz - Life is Wonderful)

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

I am so excited about my life, nowadays. A lot of tasks to do, a lot of goals to achieve and I love them all.

Although my job is not the ideal job I've been dreaming about, I am on my way to enjoy every single second of it. I will never know when is my last breath, so I am trying to live as if I am going to die tomorrow.

I dream big and I am sure I can achieve my dream with the power of determination. I am going to fight until the end. I am going to sip the happiness I deserve.

I just gotta move like Jagger and rock this world!!!



U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

Aku sadar, aku masih belum bisa mencintaimu dengan cara yang seratus persen tepat. Egoisme yang berlebihan seringkali membuatku terpeleset ke lubang yang sama: pertengkaran. Tapi, Sayang, tak selamanya bertengkar itu salah. Itu hanyalah salah satu cara untuk kita mengekspresikan harapan dan kekecewaan kita. Tak ada kata sempurna, tapi kita sedang berjalan beriringan untuk kesempurnaan itu.

Marilah kita belajar untuk saling mencinta dengan bijaksana, dengan cara yang tepat dan apa adanya. Marilah kita saling percaya dan biarlah cinta kita terus dan terus berkembang hingga akarnya merasuk dan tak akan bisa tercerabut dari hati kita.



U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

It's too much to get me fed up...
The ups and downs...

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

Today when I was walking towards the office, I thought about how blessed I was to be surrounded by magnificent people. God is so good that He sends me a bunch of beautiful souls to linger in my life. My chest is filled up with happiness that it is going to explode and shoot sweets all over the place.

Yes, I am blessed. I am very blessed.

And I am really thankful that I have someone to take care of me when I am this far away from the home. This post, is dedicated to him.

Who is he?

Long time ago, he was my friend.
Now I call him my boy.
Later he will be my guy.
And in the future, I really wish he is my man.

On top of all, he is my teacher, my brother, my guardian, my opponent, my buddy, my love. He is my everything.

Momma said home is where the heart is when you left the town~~~

I don't like being looked down, yet I don't like being judged as good for nothing. I am sure I have my own value, I am sure I am as capable as anyone else on this earth although I am just an Indonesian, I am just 21 years old, or I am just a girl.

No, I am not JUST a girl, I am a girl which I am proud to be. I am as good as any guy. You name it, I'll beat it. I am pretty sure I can.

But, being inside an organization that values guys much higher than girls, I really can't stand but to feel demoralized. I am sick of being looked down as if I can't do any single thing well just because I am born to be a girl. Some even never want to look at me as if I am invisible. Crap.

And you see, I will be stronger than any guy you have here. I will be tougher. I will be the winner, and I will be the one who smile at the end.

I am a girl, but that doesn't mean guys are better than me. I am comparable to them, I even can exceed their standard. So watch out your mouth!!!

You're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

There is still 1 month and 10 days for me to be in this state and each day, the syndrome is getting worse. I don't know what it is, but I call it guilty syndrome. Yes, wherever I go, whatever I do, I feel so guilty of not holding my books and notes. I need to study and whenever I don't do so, the bell inside my head starts ringing and telling me that I slack too much.

I want this 28 September come faster, but I am afraid I cannot finish my study.

Oh, Man!!!

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

Whatever I say, whatever I do, there's no point for us to agree...

So...

Should I just shut this f***ing mouth up?

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

Berdiri kita di titik yang sama, di bawah langit yang sama
Bernapas dengan oksigen yang sama


Tapi
Apakah masih sama isi hati kita?


Ketika bumi terus dan terus berputar
Kita ikut berputar-putar di dalamnya
Begitu juga cinta kita
Dan hidup kita


Aku dan kamu, kita sedang diaduk-aduk di dalam wajan besar
Isinya segala macam benda segala macam warna
Air yang panas membakar kulitku
Benda-benda bertubrukan dengan tubuhku
Aku tergores, luka, dan berdarah
Aku hancur


Dan kau
Aku tak tahu lagi di mana dirimu
Terlalu banyak benda-benda warna warni di antara aku dan kamu


Apakah dirimu terluka?
Apakah kulitmu tersayat?


Apakah kamu mencari aku?


U're the best I've ever had 
~FeN~

After a long and tiring weekdays, I thought we would have some fun over ourselves... But now I realize, I will just get another day of lonely time...

And sometimes I asked myself, "Do I really have someone?". The answer is absolutely yes, but the guy is just too far from where I am. He's in the different world.

Can I summon him and get back what once I had?

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

Here we arrive again, at the month where most Muslims are trying to resist their temptation to food and drink during the day. It has been 10 days since the first day of Ramadan this year. This fasting month is actually to simulate how human should bear themselves from all sort of bad deeds.

I am never against this idea of fasting. I have experienced days when I should not eat or drink in front of public since I was told to 'respect' those who were fasting.

That time, I was just a little girl. I didn't think that much. I just did so. I stopped eating my lunch box at class, I drank my water only when no Muslim friends were around.

Even the canteens or restaurants were closed on the day and just opened after the break fast time. If there were some shops opened, the front of the shop should be covered so that people could not see all the foodies inside.

And since I have moved to Singapore, there's no such thing as respecting people who were fasting in that way. The thing was just respecting each other. I respect your fasting day, and you respect my freedom to eat and drink.

I have never thought about this, but sure I preferred this way, not because I became free to eat and drink, but just because this should be the way. I am sure fasting is meant for the Muslims to pull themselves to the limit of resisting the temptations. If everyone just did the same thing, it had no meaning at all.

So, when I read the articles that Indonesian Broadcast Commission wanted to ban all the culinary shows during the fasting time, I felt so embarrassed on my own country. What the hell is this, I am asking myself. Why every single thing should be adjusted to their life style? I am embarrassed, really really embarrassed by their thin determination to fast.

I have a Muslim friend here, and he's totally okay with everything, He never demands for any special treatment during Ramadan. He still goes to site as what he's supposed to do. He still does his full time job and never wants earlier time off. And he even follows his colleagues to the coffee shop for tea time. And I think, this is the real fasting people should do: stick to the daily activities, but don't eat and drink.

Indonesia, can you learn anything?

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

Once daddy told me,


I am proud that my Daddy is a big man...
He knows what to give me...
No money, no property, no gold, but knowledge...

I am sure he knows that I will sure survive this cruel world with my knowledge, not with tons of gold or money...

Daddy...

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

God will not throw the miracle in front of you and say, "Here it is! Enjoy!" yet you must aim for it, fight for it, and reach it with your both hands. There won't be such a miraculous thing if you just sit and wait, like a big potato sack. You should realize that you need the miracle, step out of your comfort zone, and put your best effort until the last minute and second.

But I believe, yes I do believe, that God lends His hands throughout the miracle-seeking journey. So many helps will be sent out. You will realize that there's a way for every single hard time that you pass. You just get the strength and courage you need at the right time, you find the ear and the mouth you wish at the right time, and you see various ways God helps you, IN THE RIGHT TIME!

I have experienced it myself, and there's no doubt about it. GOD WILL HELP YOU, BUT YOU MUST BE THE ONE WHO FIGHTS TILL THE VERY LAST BREATH.

So, let's find our own miracle!

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

It's like, umm, so hard to achieve common understanding... What I want and what you want is totally different... When none of us is going to step back, everything will not work... We will be stuck, yes, stuck... We will be stuck here in the limbo, without knowing that we need to reflect and change... Don't you mind if we sit back and talk heart to heart? Don't you mind not getting angry for any single thing I say? Don't you mind being a little bit wiser? I am tired and my heart is tired. I am trapped, stuck, I cannot move. Please release this chain that tangles me, please work together with me with the love once we have...

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

Ketika kita sudah tak bisa saling menyapa dalam suka
Dan kata-kata berubah wujud jadi amarah
Apakah ada ruang untuk kita berdua?






U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~