aLL 'BouT 'Fe-Ar'

Today is Lisa's birthday...

So, I create this post to give her, at least, a memory in her turning point to 18 year old...

Happy birthday, my friend...
I wish you all the best for this year, next year, the year after next year, and every year ahead...
Hope you can achieve all your goals, be a better girl, and find your path of life...
^^

"I love you very much, although you are somehow temperamental...
I love you very much, although you like to scold me without any reason...
I love you very much, neglecting all your flaws..."

Really, she is my best friend... She is the best I've ever had...
^^

Back to my time in junior high school, I knew this girl... In fact, I had seen her when I was in elementary school... At that time, I thought she was somehow an arrogant person.... But, when I really could enter her life, I knew she was not... We didn't need so much time to get close to each other... I remember clearly, she usually called me every Saturday, then we talked for a long long time.... Hahaha...

Then, we grew up, and we went to the same senior high school... Not in the same class, but we kept our relationship by hanging out, or just going to St. Ignatius together... Haha... We involved ourselves together in OSIS, also... And at last, faith crossed our path... We got the same class in our final year in senior high school... But, but, but, in this class, I suffered in a conflict with her once... I think I don't need to write it here... Let it be our secret...^^

Although I had gone through a conflict with Lisa, I didn't regret it... I thanked it, actually... Since that time, I knew that I loved her very much... And after that, our friendship became stronger, I think...

She is a smart girl... She is also responsible and she is good in dealing with money... She can force other to pay the 'uang kas' continuously... Hahaha... She is dilligent and hardworking, also... She likes gossiping (me, too =P) and she likes reading... We liked to share our novels, actually...

But, she is somehow rather expressionless... I think she couldn't express her feeling well... She was easy to feel embarrased... I knew she loved me and our friendship, but she seldom showed it... So, it sometimes turned out to be a scene when she scolded like mad without any reason... Haha... So cute...

But, I think she has changed step by step... She is more open now, and she could cry saying that she missed me... Oooow, so sweet...

I hope you can be a better person, my friend...

I know your birthday is going to end half an hour later, but I will still wish you a happy birthday... Because, the last one will be the most memorable...

Lisa...
Happy birthday...

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

Wiii... There has been a long long time ago since I wrote my last post... Honestly, there were sooooo much things to write these days, but I had no time to post it... And when I had the time, the mood had gone far far away and it would seem very very lame to discuss...

So now, nearly half a semester has passed... Really, it's beyond my realization... It looks like I just came back here, did those super busy GTD things, fighted for room, etc, etc... I even haven't finished concentrating on my study, and, whuzzz, recess is saying hello to me...

Yeah, I am having my recess now...
Although my time table can rest for a while, I can not... I still have a loooot of things to do, from doing the formal lab report, till arrange the training schedule for Indoscrabbleclub... Ohmigod, I feel like I am to small for these big burdens... Maybe at a certain point of load, I will deflect, and then you can se me cracking... Lol...

Since this new academic year, it looks like I just vomited my tiredness... I always said I was tired, I was overburdened, I was going to sink, etc, etc, etc... Haha... I don't know why, but really, I felt much more tired than last year... Hmm, maybe, it's because of my time table? Who knows?
So, for your clue, why I always complain about my days, check my time table out... ^^

TIME\DAY MON TUE WED THU FRI 0830-0930 CV2002 LEC/STU LE1 LT7; COM201 LEC/STU LE CS-LT1; COM201 LEC/STU LE CS-LT1; 0930-1030 CV2701 LAB 3 LAB- Wk2-13; CV2901 LAB 1 LAB- Wk2-13; 1030-1130 CV2002 TUT 1 TR36- Wk2-13; 1130-1230 1230-1330 CV2301 TUT 5 TR36- Wk2-13; CV2001 TUT 5 TR42- Wk2-13; CV2601 LEC/STU LE1 LT20; 1330-1430 CV2101 TUT 8 TR37- Wk2-13; CV2601 LEC/STU LE1 LT20; CV2002 LEC/STU LE1 LT4; CV2601 TUT 2 TR40- Wk2-13; 1430-1530 CV2301 LEC/STU LE1 LT20; CV2901 LEC/STU LE1 LT20; CV2001 LEC/STU LE1 LT20; CV2101 LEC/STU LE1 LT7; 1530-1630 CV2001 LEC/STU LE1 LT20; CV2101 LEC/STU LE1 LT7; 1630-1730 CV2101 LEC/STU LE1 LT8; CV2301 LEC/STU LE1 LT2;

See? It's everyday, from the very early in the morning until the sun is about to set... I am really tired... Phuaaaaah...

Besides, I got sooooooo much things to think, to solve, to settle... I got some ECAs that need responsibility... And I got other 'bonus' responsibilities... So, the sum of all those factors will lead me to a long-term suffering... >.<

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

Nyahaha, baru tadi siang ketemu mentor... Berinisiatif ngirim e-mail pagi ini dan ketemu beberapa jam kemudian... Gila, mentorku udah jadi Head of Structural Division, booo... Udah cool dia sekarang... Punya secretary... Kantornya langsung bertransformasi jadi keren bin rapi bin luas bin bersofa-sofa gitu... Terus, komputernya ada TIGA... Ada satu yang 11 inch gitu... Gila, pengen saya minta tuh notebook... Hahaha...

Dan kita ngobrol-ngobrol kurang lebih selama 15 menit... Dan dalam 15 menit itu, dia udah ngomongnya maju puluhan dekade ke depan... Ya, ok, ga puluhan dekade la, beberapa tahun ke depan maksud saya... Hehe...

Sekali lagi, dia nyuruh saya nyari pacar... Againnn? Yes, again... Kata-kata andalan dia tetep keluar... "University is a suitable place to find a, hmm, so called, soulmate"... Terus dia bilang, "I'm sure your mother will be happy if you find one"... Oh yeah? Yeah, right... Saya juga mau sih punya pacar, tapi ga ada calonnya... Mau pacaran ma sapa??? Tembok??? Dan kemudian, dia mulai cerita tentang anaknya yang udah kuliah dan sampe sekarang juga belum punya pacar... Apa jodohin aja anakmu sama saya, Pak? Hahaha...

Kemudian dia tanya apakah saya interested sama Structure... Dan saya jawab bahwa saya belum ngambil pelajaran itu dan MoM saya hancur berantakan... Dia bilang, "Ah, cuma satu quiz kecil... Ga masalah..." dan lalu dia bilang kalau saya nanti tertarik sama Structure, saya boleh kerja FYP under dia... FYP, Final Year Project... Final... Year... Project... F-I-N-A-L Y-E-A-R... Wow, kayanya yang namanya final year masih jauh banget... Saya masih merasa blur tentang apa yang saya lakukan di jurusan ini dan bapak mentor udah nyuruh saya kerja FYP under dia... Hahaha...

Yang lebih parah lagi, dia bilang dia bakal menawarkan direct PhD programme kalo saya maintain result saya... Ohmigod, bapak yang satu ini futuristik banget... Cool deh... PhD???? Tiba-tiba saya berasa ketimpa concrete... Dan dia tanya saya, "In the future, what do you want to be? An engineer or a lecturer?"... Terus saya jawab dengan segera, "An engineer, maybe... I cannot teach."... "Why cannot? Your english is good..."
Ohmigod...

Lucunya mentorku...
Hihi...

CEE is fun, I think...

My mentor...

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

The chemistry of friendship dapat menembus ruang dan waktu... Beneran???

Ga tau sih bener ato ngga... Ini cuma sekadar inference dari hasil pengalaman saya, sama sekali ga ada observation, experiment, survey, atau apapun... Jadi, kalo ada yang ngerasa postingan saya kali ini salah, mohon maaph yang sebesar-besarnya... ^^

Jadi, saya ngerasa ada fenomena menarik yang terjadi di antara saya dan sahabat-sahabat saya yang tercinta...
Ada apa?
Selalu ada 'kebetulan' di antara kami...
Ya, kebetulan...

Saat satu orang jadian, yang lain berangsur-angsur nyusul jadian...

Saat satu pasang putus, ga lama yang lain juga mulai putus, tus, tus, tus...

Itu fenomena saat kami masih di sekolah yang sama... Mungkin ga 100% kebetulan, karena orang-orang di sekeliling kami masih sama... Sapa tau tuh cowok-cowok jadi terinspirasi buat nembak karena melihat si cowok pertama, dan siapa tau setelah satu orang putus, yang lain ikutan terinspirasi buat putus... Muahaha...

Dan, ketika kami udah pisah sekolah, 'kebetulan' itu masih terus berlanjut...

Kira-kira setahun yang lalu, satu orang mulai cerita tentang kedekatan dia sama seorang cowo... Eh, ternyata, the some of other members juga lagi pada deket sama cowo... Trus, ketika pedekate ga berjalan lancar dan akhirnya hubungan tanpa status menjadi makin ga jelas, semuanya mengalami hal yang sama... Sama-sama sedih deh akhirnya... >.<
Huhu...

Lucu banget kalo mengingat banyaknya kebetulan yang terjadi di antara kami... Setiap chatting session pasti jadi sangat menarik karena temanya akan jadi sama... Hahaha...

Dan beberapa hari yang lalu, ketika sudah lama ngga chatting, dan akhirnya lima di antara sembilan orang online pada saat yang sama, kerinduan pun sedikitnya dapat diobati... Saat nanya-nanya kabar, ternyata, lagi-lagi sebuah kebetulan... Semuanya mengalami BAD DAY... Ya, kebetulan...
Saya merasa hari saya buruk karena MoM quiz tentunya... Sementara yang lain merasa kecewa dengan diri sendiri karena ga mampu melaksanakan tugasnya sebagai asdos dengan baik, malah sakit di hari-hari pertama sekolah, kurang (baca: hampir ngga) tidur karena tugas bertumpuk yang ga habis-habis, dan merasa kekurangan waktu dan pengertian dari orang lain...
Yeah...
Dan kami sama-sama bertekad untuk menjadikan besok, besoknya, besoknya lagi, dan seterusnya menjadi hari yang lebih baik, sangat baik, bahkan amat sangat baik sekali...
Yosh...
Ganbatte!!!

Nah, apakah semua itu hanya kebetulan semuata?
Menurut saya, 'kebetulan' ini lebih pantas disebut 'ikatan' yang terjalin di antara sahabat... Jadi, secara ga sadar, ada kesamaan-kesamaan yang membuat kami jadi lebih dekat satu sama lain, membuat kami jadi semakin mengerti tentang apa yang dialamin sama sahabat kami yang lain...

Ya, that's the chemistry of friendship...

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

Again, I feel like I was left behind...

They improved alot, while I am just in a static condition...

The have acceleration, while I just represent Newton's first law...

And I am afraid, this static equilibrium will turn to unstable and statistically undeterminate condition...
Since I was tilted right and left about an imaginary axis...
And I am afraid the meta centre will be below my weight-buoyancy axis, then I will be turning upside down...

I must reshape everything, so that my possibility to turn down will be smaller...
I must broaden my base of point of view...

No, no, not I must, but I HAVE TO...
Yeah...
I HAVE TO...

This semester just begin, and it's not my time to be depressed...

Just reshape and do the best...

Ya, ya, let's do the best...

The one leading at the first point doesn't mean the champion...
The one smiling at the end is the winner...

God...
Help me to stand as the champion at the end of this battle...
This battle...
Me vs myself...

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

As I learned in COM201, Foundations of Communication Studies, people always have a tendency to jump to the conclusion without considering the facts... They like to do inferences without any observation...
Yeah, it's true...

Actually, I didn't really mind about this... It's your business to judge everybody, except me...
Except me...
But, you did it to me...

Yeah...
You did it...
You just saw me and you said, "Hey, you are so lucky... You have everything..."
How could you say that thing, think that you know me as well as you know how to solve integration by parts, and judge me with every words you like?
It made me want to laugh, you know????

It's totally wrong...
And you said it proudly...

I tell you now...
I'm tired wearing a mask...
I want to act freely as my own self...
I don't want to act as anybody anymore...

Look at me
You may think you see who I really am
But you'll never know me
Every day
It's as if I play a part
Now I see
If I wear a mask I can fool the world
But I cannot fool my heart

Who is that girl I see starring straight back at me?
When will my reflection show who I am inside?

I am now in a world where I have to hide my heart and what I believe in
But somehow
I will show the world what's inside my heart
And be loved for who I am

Who is that girl I see
Starring straight back at me?
Why is my reflection someone I don't know?
Must I pretend that I'm someone else for all time?
When will my reflection show who I am inside?

There's a heart that must be free to fly
That burns with a need to know the reason why

Why must we all conceal what we think, how we feel?
Must there be a secret me I'm forced to hide?
I won't pretend that I'm someone else for all time
When will my reflection show who I am inside?
When will my reflection show who I am inside?

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

Saya ga mengetik semua ini dengan berurai air mata sampai-sampai laptop saya kebanjiran.... Saya juga ga meraung-raung karena ga sanggup menerima takdir... Saya ga menjerit-jerit berkata bahwa Tuhan ga adil...

Tapi, saya sedih...

Ya, saya sedih...

Guru saya telah dipanggil Yang Maha Kuasa, pagi tadi, pukul sembilan...

Sekitar jam 11 WIB, saya menerima berita dari adek saya perihal meninggalnya Bpk. Puji Basuki... Saat itu saya sedang di dalam tutorial class CV 2002... Saya ga percaya melihat SMS itu, sampai-sampai saya menerawang beberapa menit dan sang tutor akhirnya ngeliatin saya terus selama sisa jam pelajaran, menanyakan apa saya bisa ngerjain soal tutorial... Mungkin dia kira saya menerawang dan hampir nangis gara-gara soal tutorial yang terlalu susah...

Bpk. Puji Basuki...
Meninggal akibat stroke dan diabetes setelah koma selama kurang lebih satu hari... Ya, selasa malam beliau mulai diopname dan meninggal hari kamis pagi...

Bpk. Puji Basuki...
Masih segar dalam ingatan saya bagaimana dia selama satu tahun menjaga X9 dengan penuh kasih sayang... Ya, Bpk. Pudji yang begitu baik, murah senyum, dan begitu sabaaaaaaar... Apalagi sebagai wali kelas, dia begitu baik terhadap kami... Ga pernah sekalipun dia marah walaupun kami selalu memanfaatkan jam pelajarannya untuk melakukan hal-hal ga penting, seperti menentukan siapa aja yang bakal ikutan classmeeting, pindah denah tempat duduk, diskusi ga jelas, bahkan membuat tugas untuk pelajaran lain... Ya, dia ga pernah marah... Dia mengizinkan... "Asalkan kalian bilang sama Pak," begitu ujarnya...

Bpk. Puji Basuki...
Rasanya saya masih ingat betul bagaimana beliau selalu tersenyum riang setiap kali bertemu saya di koridor sekolah... Saya juga masih sangat ingin mendengarnya memanggil saya, "Ananda" atau "Anakku" atau "Anak Pak yang manis"... Sungguh, rasanya saya masih ga bisa percaya bahwa guruku yang manis itu begitu cepat dipanggil oleh Yang Maha Kuasa...

Bpk. Puji Basuki...
Saya masih ingin melihat pertunjukan-pertunjukan sulap beliau di kelas... Saya masih ingin mendengar panggilan sayangnya untuk kami semua... Saya masih ingin mengerjakan tugas-tugasnya... Saya masih ingin menghapal pembukaan UUD 45 bersamanya... Saya masih ingin bertegur sapa dengannya di koridor sekolah... Saya masih ingin, masih ingin menjadi ketua kelas bagi kelasnya...

Saya yakin Tuhan sayang padanya, makanya beliau dipanggil begitu cepat, karena Tuhan ga mau dia lama-lama menderita...

Bapak...
Bapak adalah salah satu guru yang paling berkesan buat saya...

Saya yakin, bukan saya saja yang merasa kehilangan, tapi seluruh Xaverius merasa kehilangan Bapak... Kami kehilangan sosok guru kami yang tercinta...

Semoga Bapak bahagia di atas sana...

Bpk. Puji Basuki...

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

*akhirnya menangis tersedu-sedu di ujung postingan*

Ada yang bilang sama saya, "Feb, kamu berubah... Kamu udah ga seperti Febrina yang aku kenal waktu kelas 2 SMA..."

Ya, saya akui, saya berubah... Seperti manusia-manusia lainnya, saya berubah seiring dengan perubahan lingkungan dan yang pasti, perubahan waktu... Waktu terus berlari, berlari, dan berlari, dan waktu mengharuskan saya untuk berubah jika saya ga mau ketinggalan...

Ya, saya berubah...

Tapi yang saya herankan, saya berubah ke arah yang sulit dimengerti... Ketika orang lain berubah menjadi lebih dewasa, lebih mampu mengambil keputusan, lebih bijaksana, lebih baik dalam segala hal, saya malah merasa saya berubah ke arah yang seratus delapan puluh derajat berlawanan dengan perubahan yang saya harapkan...

Pertama, entah kenapa, saya merasa less sociable dibandingkan dulu... Kalo dulu, ini cerita tentang 'dulu', mungkin setahun atau dua tahun ke belakang, saya selalu merasa exciting bila ada kegiatan yang melibatkan banyak orang... Saya (dulu) supel... Saya senang berinteraksi sama orang lain... Tapi sekarang, saya merasa amat sangat unsociable sekali... Saya lebih senang sendirian di kamar, saya lebih banyak menghindari interaksi dengan orang lain... Saya jadi lebih senang tidur... Saya merasa jadi orang yang berbeda...

Kedua, saya merasa semakin moody... Yeah, right... Mood saya menghalangi saya untuk merasa exciting melakukan ini dan itu... Tanpa alasan, hal yang saya nanti-nantikan bisa saya benci karena perubahan mood yang sangat signifikan... Ohmigod, what's wrong with me? Saya jadi semakin sering bete, padahal sebenernya saya ga patut bete... Dan yang saya heran, ada aja orang-orang di sekeliling saya yang selalu memasang tampang minta ditabok sehingga membalik arah vektor mood saya ke arah sumbu x, y, z negatif...

Then, saya merasa lebih pendiam... Tepatnya, saya jadi lebih tertutup, sangat tertutup malah... Saya ga menemukan tempat bercerita... Saya ga punya 'teman' di sini... Teman dalam artian teman sejati, loh, ya... Bukan sekadar teman buat lunch atau jalan mengelilingi North Spine...

Apakah arti dari perubahan saya ini?
Apakah saya sudah akan punah????
Atau saya sebenernya ga cocok dengan NTU yang bener-bener individualistis?
Atau saya lagi dalam masa transisi menuju ke kedewasaan?

Yeah, I hope the right answer is the third choice...
>.<>

Kirim aku malaikatmu...
Biar jadi kawan hidupku...
Dan tunjukkan jalan yang memang kau pilihkan untukku...
Kirim aku malaikatmu...
Karena ku sedih berada di sini...
Dan di dunia ini aku tak mau sendiri...

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

I am logging in with my phone inside my communication studies class... Yeah, today Prof. Vivian didn't come because of overseas conference... The one replaced her didn't charm me... I even don't know what he is talking about... Oh my God... I have a quiz in this module two days later, and I even pay no attention to the lecturer... I am very hopeless... Haha...

Yeah, I have started writing a journal yesterday... Again... Again? Ya, I have failed writing journal so many many many times... I abandoned them when I lost my mood about recording my daily routinities... Sometimes, it was very plain and boring, and I decided to stop writing... When it went more exiting, I wrote again... Haha... I am very inconsistent...

Actually, I thought I didn't need a journal because I had a blog already... But, recently, I realized that there were many many things I couldn't publish on my blog, and there was different sensation when I wrote something with my pen... Yeah...

And now, back to my classroom, in WKW-LEE FOUNDATION LT, he has been lecturing for about fifty minutes and he just reached one third of his notes... Come on, when will this boring lecture finish? I wish I was in my room sleeping... >.<

I am looking at my classmate's computer, and it is Apple, and it looks very cool... I want one also... Maybe it will be a useless stuff if I buy it... I am such a 'gaptek' person, or, in english, a technology blind... Yeah, I also want an i-phone... I think I need a pair of new shoes... I also dream about PSP or NDS... I want some new clothes, new jewelleries, new bags... I want everything... I am totally hedonist... Muahahaha...

9.30 already, and the lectures has only moved two slides ahead...

I feel like going out from this class...

In fact, I feel like going back to my hometown, and I will live happily ever after there...

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~