aLL 'BouT 'Fe-Ar'

Kerinduan ini sekarang sedang memuncak. Ingin sekali rasanya aku berlari dan mencari apa yang hatiku sedang rindukan, tapi aku tak mampu. Hanya satu kata yang ingin aku ucapkan: rindu

Mama
Aku rindu mama, sampai ingin mati rasanya. Menyesal aku tak terlalu menyambut baik telepon darinya kemarin malam. Kini aku rindu setengah mati padanya: rindu wangi tubuhnya, rindu suaranya, rindu masakannya, rindu kelembutannya, rindu kasih sayangnya. Walau ia tak hentinya mencurahkan segalanya kepadaku, tapi aku tetap merasa rindu. Telepon genggam tak mampu mengobati rasa rinduku yang telah meluap-luap. Aku ingin bertemu dengannya.

Papa
Aku rindu papa. Dia bukan manusia sempurna, apalagi dewa. Dia hanya manusia biasa. Dia pernah melakukan kesalahan, kecil dan besar, tapi dia tetap patut dirindukan. Papaku satu-satunya. Aku rindu bercanda dengannya, aku rindu pipiku dicium olehnya, aku rindu tawanya, bahkan aku rindu bau rokok di tubuhnya. Aku rindu!

Valen, Lisa, Vivien, Renni, Dya, Savitri, Merryn
Mereka yang duduk di barisan depan di hatiku. Sungguh, aku pun rindu. Entah sudah sekian lama kita tak lagi berbincang lewat Windows Live Messenger. Entah sudah sekian lama kita tak saling menanyakan kabar. Entah sudah sekian lama kita tak saling diskusi tentang ini dan itu. Sudah sangat lama, dan aku rindu kalian. Hati ini tak henti bertanya kapan kita bisa bertemu dan tertawa bersama lagi? Banyak hal yang mau aku ceritakan, dan aku yakin kalian juga begitu

Aku juga rindu teman-teman IndoCEE-ku, teman-teman Palzzzntu07-ku, sepupu-sepupuku. Ingin bercerita dan tertawa lepas bersama-sama. Rindu kalian!

Tentu saja, aku juga rindu kamu yang akan akan ada di hadapku tak lebih dari satu jam lagi.

Rindu! Rindu! Rindu!
Rinduku meluap-luap hingga membanjir-banjir

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

It's raining outside and it really describes my mood.

I don't know what the hell are going on inside me, but I really feel like exploding. I am more than sleepy, my head is spinning, and my heart feels uneasy somehow. I don't know what this is, I don't know why or how this happens. I just know that I want to escape from this boring life.

Yesterday was so bright, warm, and cheerful. Although my legs were almost broken, I enjoyed the day very much. I woke up so early in the morning after sleeping so late at night the day before to head straight to Bishan and meet my sister. She's my cousin, actually, 11 years older than me, but she's very close to me. I accompanied her going to the town and shopping. We wandered along stores, looked at this and that brands, touched on every interesting stuffs we saw, squeezed inside a fitting room, and commented on each other. Together with his husband and my bf, we chatted, we ate, we laughed. We had fun!

And today, the sky is so dark. It even pours the water to the earth. And I also feel very dark today. Without my cousin, without Orchard, without fitting rooms, without the fun, I felt so lost. I have been coming back to the reality. I am stuck here, in front of my computer with a very bad mood.

5.30 seems still very far away. I want to get back home and get to the dreamland asap. But, I don't want to get up and face tomorrow. My NTU Tutor will be coming tomorrow morning and I am a bit scared and stressed of what might be happening tomorrow. How if I cannot answer his question? How if I cannot impress him? How if my log book is not good enough for him? How if my colleagues tell him that I am not a good intern student? How if this happens? How if that happens? So many if-questions pop up inside my brain, but I cannot do anything. I really don't want tomorrow to come, but I want today to end. Complicated, huh?

And I am thinking about one more thing. Yeah, one more and very crucial: MONEY. No, of course I am not short of money to live in this tough country. I am also not in debt with some kind of mafia that can kill me if I run away from the payment. I am just in a way of spending too much money and it's frustating.

I need to save now, but I keep spending. Everytime I saw something, I felt like buying it. Yeah, maybe sometime I managed to control the will, but it's really not easy. I kept thinking of that thing.

List of things inside my brain now (it means I haven't bought them):
- A really cute dress from Hypnosis (S$60)
- A pair of flat shoes from Mitju (S$26)
- A Wize and Ope digital watch (S$145)
- A Casio leather watch (S$68)
- A pair of shorts from Red2 (S$15)
- A pair of mules from Charles and Keith (S$35)
- A black handbag from Charles and Keith (S$55)
- Another black handbag from Charles and Keith (S$50)

How is it?

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

Life is getting more and more dull. Things are getting more and more predictable. I am sick of this routines, really. I want a thrilling adventure to go and voila, I'm in front of it!

Okay, maybe it's not really in front of me. But, it's already in my head.
Yeah, I will have a trip with my besties on the next August. It's five months from now, but I have started to save some money for this journey.

Journey to the center of Indonesia, that's what I call it. *Okay, actually I just started call the trip like this a second ago*

I don't remember who actually proposed to have a trip together. But I remember it's about last November we started to talk about this. That time, maybe some thought it was just a joke, so we didn't get further with the planning. I happened to lose my hope on this trip since all of us studied in different universities and each university had its own academic calendar. It was very hard to find a time slot that could suit all of us.

But, God led the way, I believe. Suddenly, Renni brought up this topic again. We discussed more seriously and got August as the time. Most probably it would be early August and we planned to go to Bali and spend about one week there.

As usual, things never go as smooth as the plan. We found that the air ticket to Bali was damn expensive and we had not enough money to cover all the expenditure there. So, then, Java Island will be the destination.

We will first head to Jogjakarta from Palembang, our hometown. About three to four day will be spent there before we rush to Bandung, the capital of the West Java. Another three days to be spent, then we will head to the capital city of Indonesia, Jakarta. We will be there for about two days before going back to Palembang. In total, it is nine days of full togetherness for us. Yeahhhh.


Nine days are not short, and of course, we need to spend money there. So, all of us are tighten our belts for this (hopefully) memorable journey. The problem is I am in the way of consumerism. At the moment, I want so many things: this and that, that and this. I must save. But how?

Okay, nevermind about my money. I am sure I can find a way out of this. Just pray for me and don't rob me. It's already very okay. Lol.

About the trip, I really really extremely feel very excited. Maybe I've been there before but this time will be very different. I will go with my besties and this will be my first vacation I plan by myself and I spend with my own money. OMG, I am so excited!!!

Yes, maybe we will not sleep in the hotels, maybe we will not get into the first class airflights, maybe we will not have dinner in the sophisticated restaurants, but we will sure have fun!!!

Bandung
1. Kawah Putih
Kawah Putih is the volcanic terrace located 2300 meter above the sea level. I've never been to this place before, but I know it will be fun being there. I can imagine the beautiful scenery and the fresh air there.

Pacaran? Backstreet? Saya yakin semuanya pernah mendengarkan istilah ini diucapkan oleh teman-teman yang sedang menjalin hubungan dengan seseorang tapi mereka memutuskan untuk tidak membiarkan satu atau lebih pihak mengetahui hubungan mereka sebenarnya.

Menurut http://www.dictionary.com/ ,

back-street   /ˈbækˌstrit/ Show Spelled[bak-street] Show IPA



–adjective


taking place in secrecy and often illegally: back-street political maneuvering; back-street drug dealing.

Jadi, pacaran backstreet berarti melakukan hubungan pacaran dalam sebuah kerahasiaan. Dan kemungkinan yang menyebabkan kerahasiaan itu adalah ilegalitas.

Ada yang terpaksa backstreet karena tidak mendapat restu dari orang tua. Mungkin orang tua menganggap si pacar tak cukup layak untuk anaknya. Mungkin juga orang tua masih belum mengizinkan si anak pacaran lantaran umurnya yang masih sangat muda. Atau, bisa jadi orang tua sudah memilihkan calon pendamping yang 'terbaik' buat si anak. Siapa yang tahu?

Ada yang backstreet karena masing-masing dari mereka masih punya gandengan di luar sana dan mereka terpaksa menyembunyikan hubungan mereka. Daripada merusak perasaan dua orang yang diselingkuhi, lebih baik dua orang yang selingkuh yang mengalah. Mungkin saja begitu pikir mereka.

Ada juga yang backstreet karena tak ingin pasarannya rusak. Popularitas akan menurun tajam bagi mereka yang sudah secara 'facebook' terikat dengan seseorang. Maka, untuk tetap menikmati manisnya dikejar-kejar dan dipuja-puja sejuta umat, jalan belakanglah yang dipilih.

Lain lagi dengan yang backstreet karena malas dibombardir dengan pertanyaan bertubi-tubi dari kanan, kiri, depan, dan belakang. Mereka lebih memilih diam dan menyembunyikan hubungan mereka karena bagi mereka pacaran adalah sebuah privasi, mungkin.

Tak menutup kemungkinan ada yang menjalani hubungan secara backstreet karena menginginkan sebuah petualangan. Kencan sembunyi-sembunyi, SMS-SMS rahasia, dan hal-hal yang hanya diketahui berdua dan tetap harus disimpan sebagai milik berdua saja menjadikan hubungan jadi lebih fluktuatif dan meningkatkan adrenalin. Backstreet itu seru bagi sebagian orang.

Tentu saja, ada banyak lagi hal yang melandasi keputusan pasangan-pasangan untuk merahasiakan atau mempublikasikan hubungan mereka. Namun, yang dihadapi oleh pasangan-pasangan yang menjalankan hubungan semacam ini kurang lebih sama.

1. Tidak akan ada acara 'ngapel' atau jemput menjemput.
2. Acara kencan akan jadi sangat terbatasi. Kemungkinan besar kencan akan dilakukan dalam rombongan besar dan tentu saja juga secara sembunyi-sembunyi. Jika mereka berhasil pergi berdua saja untuk kencan, leher mereka akan bertambah panjang sepulang kencan lantaran sibuk celingak-celinguk takut ketahuan.
3. Dering-dering telepon jadi sangat jarang terdengar karena risiko ketahuan menjadi lebih besar. SMS akan jadi cara yang jauh lebih aman karena obrolan tidak akan terdengar.
4. Akan ada beban moral karena menutupi sesuatu dari banyak pihak.

Ada yang menutupi hubungan dengan mengganti nama kontak si pacar di telepon genggamnya dengan nama seseorang secara random. Jaga-jaga kalau saja ada yang iseng mengecek . Ada juga yang tetap nekat pergi kencan tapi membohongi orang tua dengan mengatakan mau pergi belajar, atau hang out bersama teman-teman segender. Ada juga yang dengan tabahnya menjalani hubungan via SMS tanpa kencan dan restu.

Banyak alasan untuk memilih backstreet, banyak masalah yang akan dihadapi, dan banyak cara untuk menutupinya.
Backstreet, sebuah pilihan hidup.


U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

Kepingin:

1. jam tangan digital Wize and Ope warna putih
2. ipod nano warna ungu 16 giga
3. nonton Dear John
4. nonton Alice in Wonderland
5. jalan-jalan ke Jogja, Bandung, Jakarta bareng sahabat-sahabat
6. main di Universal Studios Singapore
7. pindah jurusan ke design atau hospitality atau journalism
8. naik gaji
9. berhenti IA
10. kurus
11. liburan
12. diambilin boneka dari mesin
13. ketemu mama papa

1. masuk kerja senin sampe jumat jam 8.30 pagi sampe 5.30 sore
2. bangun subuh-subuh tiap hari
3. makan makanan yang sama di tempat yang sama tiap hari
4. browsing sambil toleh kanan kiri kaya copet tiap hari
5. gendut
6. bikin log book per 2 minggu entry
7. bikin IA formal report
8. ngeliat jam tangan yang kacanya seperti kegores tapi ngga ada goresan
9. share kamar sama orang yang ngenalin diri pun ngga mau
10. ngganggur
11. berdiri di mrt dua jam lebih per hari

The first time I knew him was when I entered grade XI in senior high school. I happened to be in one class with him for almost one year but I didn't know him better after the term ended. During the year, I only once had a chat with him during the break time and I totally forgot what I was talking to him that time. Haha.

And now, without any realization, I have known him much better than anytime, and I hope much more than anyone.

He is quiet. No, he is totally not quiet.
He always acts cool. Not really.
He likes game. No, he loves it.
He is protective. Yes, very much, to everyone he loves.
He never studies. He wants, but he cannot multitask.
He is a good guy. Absolutely.

Happy birthday, Dear. Hope you have a great start of your twenties and will be as good till you turn two hundred.

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

Someone over there: Ahui, ah????
Me: *thinking* What????
Someone over there: Halo???
Me: *whispering since it's office man!* I think you call the wrong number...
Someone over there: *talk to someone else* Wo da zhuo hao ma leh...
Me: *considering to end the call since she's not talking to me anymore*
Someone over there: Oh, long lumber, solly ar...

Then the phone call was over.
She cut it off before me.
S***. She won. XD

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

Kesedihan yang seharusnya tak ada kini membuncah-buncah. Magma yang seharusnya hanya diam di dasar sana dalam kesendiriannya sekarang bergejolak dan berbuih-buih. Ia siap keluar ke permukaan dan bertransformasi menjadi lava, lava yang bisa kapan saja termuntahkan dan memenuhi semua ruang yang ada maupun tiada, lava yang menghancurkan dan melapisi semuanya, lava yang membunuh dan menerjang siapa saja.

Iya, kesedihanku bagai magma yang sedang terebus di perut bumi. Sesaat lagi ia tak kan lagi malu-malu menampakkan diri. Sesaat lagi ia akan bertransformasi jadi lava: air mata dan aku akan berenang-renang di dalamnya hingga aku melebur menyatu dengan lavaku.

Aku muak dengan dunia ini, dengan hidupku. Ingin aku lari saja, kembali pulang ke rahim ibu dan berenang-renang di dalam air ketubannya. Hanya aku dan dia, berdua. Tak perlu ada siapa-siapa, tak perlu ada apa-apa. Hanya aku dan dia. Aku rindu dia dan segala yang ia punya. Rindu, teramat sangat.

Kenapa dunia ini begitu menentangku? Ketika aku membuka mataku dengan penuh harap akan hari yang indah, segalanya seketika jungkir balik begitu saja. Segalanya tampak tak benar, segalanya seperti begitu salah. Kepalaku berdenyut-denyut, tenggorokanku seperti tertusuk-tusuk, dan aku harus beradaptasi dengan atmosfer kerja yang baru. Aku tak ingin di sini, aku tak mau duduk di depan komputer ini. Meja yang luas dan kosong ini membuat aku hilang arah, internet explorer yang tak henti-hentinya menampakkan judul not responding merebus darahku hingga mendidih, CPU yang mengaum secara berkala berhasil memuakkanku, dan aku hanya ingin satu hal: MENANGIS.

Bolehkah?

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~