aLL 'BouT 'Fe-Ar'

It's raining outside and it really describes my mood.

I don't know what the hell are going on inside me, but I really feel like exploding. I am more than sleepy, my head is spinning, and my heart feels uneasy somehow. I don't know what this is, I don't know why or how this happens. I just know that I want to escape from this boring life.

Yesterday was so bright, warm, and cheerful. Although my legs were almost broken, I enjoyed the day very much. I woke up so early in the morning after sleeping so late at night the day before to head straight to Bishan and meet my sister. She's my cousin, actually, 11 years older than me, but she's very close to me. I accompanied her going to the town and shopping. We wandered along stores, looked at this and that brands, touched on every interesting stuffs we saw, squeezed inside a fitting room, and commented on each other. Together with his husband and my bf, we chatted, we ate, we laughed. We had fun!

And today, the sky is so dark. It even pours the water to the earth. And I also feel very dark today. Without my cousin, without Orchard, without fitting rooms, without the fun, I felt so lost. I have been coming back to the reality. I am stuck here, in front of my computer with a very bad mood.

5.30 seems still very far away. I want to get back home and get to the dreamland asap. But, I don't want to get up and face tomorrow. My NTU Tutor will be coming tomorrow morning and I am a bit scared and stressed of what might be happening tomorrow. How if I cannot answer his question? How if I cannot impress him? How if my log book is not good enough for him? How if my colleagues tell him that I am not a good intern student? How if this happens? How if that happens? So many if-questions pop up inside my brain, but I cannot do anything. I really don't want tomorrow to come, but I want today to end. Complicated, huh?

And I am thinking about one more thing. Yeah, one more and very crucial: MONEY. No, of course I am not short of money to live in this tough country. I am also not in debt with some kind of mafia that can kill me if I run away from the payment. I am just in a way of spending too much money and it's frustating.

I need to save now, but I keep spending. Everytime I saw something, I felt like buying it. Yeah, maybe sometime I managed to control the will, but it's really not easy. I kept thinking of that thing.

List of things inside my brain now (it means I haven't bought them):
- A really cute dress from Hypnosis (S$60)
- A pair of flat shoes from Mitju (S$26)
- A Wize and Ope digital watch (S$145)
- A Casio leather watch (S$68)
- A pair of shorts from Red2 (S$15)
- A pair of mules from Charles and Keith (S$35)
- A black handbag from Charles and Keith (S$55)
- Another black handbag from Charles and Keith (S$50)

How is it?

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~