aLL 'BouT 'Fe-Ar'

February is going to pass soon. February 2011 has created so many things for me. I have felt everything during this short month: happiness, sadness, anger, surprise, excitement, disappointment, spirited, surrendering, and broken-hearted.

I have become an adult in this month, but the celebration of my adulthood is a channel of tears flowing down and down. Guess, it was when excitement and disappointment came in one time.

I celebrated my first valentine's eve ever, but the valentine's day turns out blue and black. This is when happiness, sadness, and anger were mixed in my heart.

I got an offer from LTA, but in consequences, I should drop my dream to study in Imperial College. And this was when I felt both surprised, happy, and broken hearted. Both seemed so close to my grip but I was required to let go one of them.

I have joined CEE DnD committee and sure more problems will come in the future. Organizing such a big and prestigious event is not easy. But I am spirited!!!

And through this month, I have found out that some people have been talking bad about me, keep prejudicing me, and lie to me. It hurts so bad to find out this thing. I'm, again, broken-hearted.

March is coming soon and I hope my future life can be settled through the next few months. A place to stay, a good overall grade, a graduation trip, a memorable convocation. I want a good life.

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

To do list:
1. Get a first class honor!!!
2. Work hard on FYP and last semester subjects!!!
3. Create a nice and meaningful Dinner and Dance
4. Find a room to rent

Wish list:
1. Go back during recess
2. A good CGPA in my certificate!!!

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

I thank God for the ways He set up for me, for the various possibilities that He let me choose. Now I have chosen my path. Maybe people see it as a bit premature. But I am decisive now. I believe in Him and I believe in the answer He has given to me. I have chosen my path and I will fight and pull out the best out of me.

I have chosen my path and I know in front, there are more blessings waiting for me.

Sabbe satta bhavantu sukhitatta.
Sadhu. Sadhu. Sadhu.

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

Accidentally came accros a good quote:

Each betrayal begins with trust

 
And I think it's completely true. So, don't trust, so you won't get betrayed.
None in this world should be trusted except your own self.

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

• Loving your loved one for the way he is
• Loving what your loved one loves
• Loving how your loved one loves you
• Loving the way your loved one treats you
• Loving every little thing your loved one gives you
• Loving each and every days of your togetherness
• Loving yourself to the fullest

I'm pursuing my love...


U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

So pity Indonesia.
I don't know what's wrong with people in my country, but one thing I know for sure: God will not be happy for what they did by shouting His name.

They claim themselves as religious people. They shout out loud the name of their God. They think they breathe the name of their god. But they are just a school of immoral people. Heartless. Barbaric.

They brutally killed men that held different belief to theirs. And, what makes me feel more and more sad, they hit the man while shouting 'Allah hu Akbar'. My heart was torn apart at the very moment and I closed the tab. What did they expect? Their God said that they were good in killing others? Oh Man, this world is getting crazier.

And today, another group of people burnt down two churches and threw stones to another church in Central Java. Why? Just because they were not happy with the sentence demand the prosecutor read out. They got angry with the defendant's act of giving out some kind of leaflets. They said the content insulted their religion. And now, they insulted themselves by their acts. Did they feel happy after causing the riot? Would their God praise them for what they have done? No, i don't think so.

What is the point of having a religion when you are totally blind of spirituality? Is going to the church, mosque, and temple to praise God and pray and read the bible, al-quran, or any scriptures enough? Isn't having a good relationship with people and nature important? You may be getting an A in your knowledge of your religion, but if you still get a big F in your horizontal relationship courses, you will still have a FAIL in your transcript.

I'd rather seeing people with no belief in God but they take care each other so well. They respect each other, they walk hand in hand with others, they don't quarrel over everything.

So pity Indonesia. God, please tell your sons and daughters to behave. This world is already too hot without their brutal acts. God, please show them your true feeling about their brutality. I know You hate it. I also hate it. So please, guide us through this crazy time. Give us the enlightenment. Amen.


U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

Aku tak ingin jadi bulan, aku tak ingin jadi bumi, aku tak ingin jadi matahari. Aku tak ingin mencintai sesuatu yang tak pernah bisa mencintaiku. Aku tak ingin menjadi beban bagi orang yang kucinta. Aku tak ingin jadi bulan, jadi bumi, atau jadi matahari.

Aku juga tak ingin kau jadi bulan, jadi bumi, atau jadi matahari. Aku tak ingin kau mencintai sesuatu yang tak bisa mencintaimu. Aku tak ingin kau menjadi beban bagi mereka yang kau cinta. Aku tak ingin kau jadi bulan, jadi bumi, atau jadi matahari.

Aku tak mau kita saling mengejar, sementara yang lain terus menghindar. Aku tak mau cinta kita satu arah. Aku tak ingin hidup kita terkotak-kotak untuk mengejar sesuatu yang mengejar hal lain.

Aku ingin kita berdua jadi pusat gravitasi untuk satu sama lain. Aku mau jadi pusat gravitasimu, dan aku mau kau jadi pusat gravitasiku. Aku mau menarikmu ke medanku dan aku mau kau menarikku ke medanmu. Aku mau kita saling tarik menarik, saling berevolusi, saling mencintai.

Aku mau jadi bintang kembarmu dan aku mau kau jadi bintang kembarku. Aku mau kita saling mencinta, hingga akhir usia kita: jadi blackhole bersama-sama.

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

Today is my birthday. And I had my lunch alone. And I spent a whole day inside my room. And I wasted my energy longing for something that wouldn't come true.

Anw, today is my birthday.
I really hope that this year I can do better than last year or last last year or even last last last year.

There's so much things I planned to write beforehand. But now, I cannot remember any one of them.

Now, I only hope for the best birthday present from God. My way to the future.
I know He wouldn't disappoint me.

Thanks God for the breath, for the people, for the life, for the heart You gave me.

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

Manusia bisa berencana, tapi manusia lah yang menentukan. Hal itu benar adanya, sepenuhnya benar. Tak ada rencana manusia yang luput dari campur tangan Yang Maha Kuasa. Semua ada karena diri-Nya. Rencana berjalan mulus karena bantuan-Nya. Rencana tak terlaksana juga karena kehendak-Nya. Dan ketika Ia memanggil kita untuk meninggalkan segala rencana yang telah kita buat, itulah juga jalan yang terbaik.

Pagi ini saya disambut oleh berita yang menyedihkan. Adjie Masaid, seorang public figure dan politisi tangguh Indonesia, meninggal dunia secara tiba-tiba. Kabarnya beliau terkena serangan jantung sehabis bermain futsal malam tadi. Beliau lalu pulang dan jatuh tersungkur di depan rumah, mengeluhkan dadanya yang sesak dan sakit. Lalu beliau dilarikan ke R.S. Fatmawati untuk mendapatkan pertolongan medis. Namun, Tuhan berkehendak lain. Tuhan ingin beliau kembali ke sisi-Nya dan beliau berpulang sekitar pukul dua pagi.

Almarhum masih sangat muda, kariernya masih panjang, istri dan anak-anaknya masih butuh dijaga. Namun, ketika Tuhan sudah mengetukkan palunya, rencana ini itu tak lagi punya kekuatan apa-apa. Adjie Masaid menurut dan harus menurut.

Selamat jalan, Adjie Masaid. Semoga dirimu berisitirahat dengan damai. Semoga istri dan anak-anakmu diberikan kekuatan dan ketabahan.

Dan saya berpikir, umur memang tak bisa diprediksi. Mungkin saja saya akan menutup usia saya besok, atau bahkan detik ini juga. Yang saya inginkan, jika saya harus meninggal, buatlah saya pergi dengan damai dan jangan biarkan orang-orang yang saya kasihi menderita. Terima kasih.


U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

I am so envious, so envious, to see people with a big family. They gather with relatives: cousins, aunts, uncles, and whoever else come out of nowhere.

And me? I have no relatives at all.

I am alone, alone, and lonely.

I hope in the future, my kids would not need to experience the same thing. I want them to get the warmth of a family. I want them to have a family, a real one.

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

Perahu Kertas:

Segala sesuatu terasa berhenti bersuara bagi Kugy. Kecuali suara Remi yang berbicara padanya sehalus angin.
“Saya ingin tanya sama kamu, Gy,” ucap Remi. “Apakah Keenan pernah meminta buku ini dari kamu?”
Kugy bahkan tak bisa menemukan suaranya sendiri. Ia hanya bisa menggeleng.
“Lalu ... kenapa saya harus meminta untuk bisa kamu kasih?”
Sesuatu berhasil bergerak. Menembus kebisuan dan kebekuan yang mengunci Kugy. Sebutir air mata.
Seolah menyentuh boneka porselen, dengan teramat halus Remi menggenggam telapak kiri Kugy, tempat cincin pemberiannya melingkar. “Apakah kamu pernah minta cincin ini dari saya?”
Butir kedua. Dan Kugy kembali menggeleng.
“Lalu ... kenapa saya yang harus minta supaya kamu mau pakai?”
Kugy hampir tak bisa bernapas. Berusaha menekan isaknya sekuat tenaga. Namun, ia tidak berhasil. Isak pelan kini berhasil menembus kebisuan dan kebekuan.
Masih dengan kehalusan yang sama, kali ini Remi menarik lepas cincin di jari Kugy. Hati-hati. “Kalau nggak begini, saya akan selalu meminta kamu untuk mencintai saya, Gy. Semua yang kamu lakukan adalah karena saya meminta. Carilah orang yang nggak perlu meminta apa-apa, tapi kamu mau memberikan segala-segalanya.”
Bahu Kugy berguncang tanpa bisa lagi ia tahan. “Tapi ... orang itu kan kamu ... aku ... aku nggak pernah minta apa-apa ... tapi ... tapi, kamu kasih semuanya ...,” Kugy berkata terengah, di sela isakan dan desakan yang begitu kuat menyesak di dadanya.
“Iya, Gy,” Remi mengangguk sambil mengusap air mata di pipi Kugy, “kamu mungkin sudah ketemu. Saya yang belum,” suara Remi mulai bergetar. “Saya yang belum ...,” ucapnya lagi, separuh berbisik. Seolah ia sedang memberi tahu dirinya sendiri.

Dan hatiku perih meniti kata demi kata di bagian ini. Begitu sering manusia melakukan segala sesuatu untuk orang yang dicintainya, tapi yang dicinta justru tak mencintainya sebesar apa yang dirasakannya. Usaha sebesar apa pun tak akan berguna, justru hanya akan menambah beban yang menghimpit hati bagi kedua belah pihak.

Kenapa kita harus meminta untuk dicinta? Kenapa kita harus meminta untuk diperlakukan sama? Kenapa kita harus meminta untuk jadi istimewa?

Mungkin selama ini aku juga terlalu banyak meminta, meminta yang bukan hakku.

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

This is your match. You never told me to come, but I wanted to. It's just because I wanted you to know that I was for you. You didn't need to ask me for anything, but I would do everything for you. I just wanted you to know, I just wanted to show you that I was, I am, and I will be the one and only for you.

I enter the stadium, I sit at the front row: the place where I can see the match clearly and of course, your face and your sweat. I want to see everything clearly. I want to witness this match and I want you to know that I am supporting you whole-heartedly.

I am cheering along, I call your name, I encourage you.

But, you know what?
I am cheering to the empty field.



U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

When I was a little girl, Chinese new year for me was about wearing new dresses and getting hong bao. But, as I  grew older, my orientation has shifted. I don't really care about the money I have successfully collected anymore, although I still enjoy Chinese New Year shopping. What I care the most is the different atmosphere I experience only during Chinese new year.

And now, as I am getting older and far away from home, Chinese new year is about togetherness and food. I don't care whether people give me hong bao or not. What I care about is going home and meet my parents. And of course, having super delicious foodies which I can't find in Singapore.

This year, I am not going back home, but the Chinese new year foodies will still be coming. At least, I will still experience half of Chinese new year celebration. The other half must wait till the day I go back to Palembang.

I miss mom and dad. I miss bro.

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

Ketika aku, kamu, kita semua masih menjadi selembar kertas putih, orang dewasa selalu tampak begitu megah. Mereka besar. Mereka kuat. Mereka bisa memutuskan apa yang mau mereka lakukan. Mereka bahkan mampu memutuskan apa yang harus kita lakukan. Mereka pintar. Mereka menasehati kita. They are perfect.

Dan tentu, kita punya idola. Anak laki-laki ingin jadi seperti ayahnya, anak perempuan ingin menjadi ibunya, entah anak perempuan atau anak laki-laki ingin menjadi seperti idola mereka, entah itu paman, tante, atau siapa pun, mereka yang dewasa. Kita melihat mereka karena kualitas positif mereka yang tercermin di bola mata kita. Kita, kita yang masih putih, melihat mereka yang dewasa bagai tanpa celah. Perfect.

Tanpa kita sadari, waktu membukakan mata kita. Mereka tidaklah sempurna. Mereka tidaklah tanpa celah. Banyak hal dari dalam diri orang dewasa yang belum kita lihat ketika kita masih terlalu kecil untuk melihat dunia. Mereka menutupinya dengan hal lain, just to impress people.

Lalu kita yang menangkap realita seperti terjatuh ke dalam jurang yang begitu dalamnya. Kenyataan yang ada tak seindah apa yang ada di dalam benak kita yang masih putih.

Kita tumbuh, berkembang, dengan menyaksikan mimpi demi mimpi masa kecil rubuh begitu saja. Apa yang kita lihat salah. Orang dewasa bukan kertas putih besar, orang dewasa hanyalah kertas putih yang sama tapi dengan begitu banyak cat tertumpah di atasnya sehingga warnanya jadi begitu menjijikkan.

Tapi kita terus tumbuh, terus tumbuh dan berkembang, untuk jadi salah satu kertas warna warni menjijikkan. Shit.

Mengapa aku takut jadi dewasa?
Karena aku telah menyaksikan terlalu banyak kebohongan dalam hidup orang dewasa. Aku tak mau jadi salah satu dari mereka. Tolong biarkan aku tetap jadi kertas putih bersih. Aku tak mau jadi picik. Aku tak mau jadi tamak. Aku tak mau. Aku tak mau.

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

Ketika dia yang begitu besar dan gagah bertanya padaku, "Apa kau mencintai orang tuamu?", kujawab, "Iya," dengan sepenuh hatiku.

Namun, ketika tanda tanya yang lain muncul, aku tertegun.
"Apakah mereka tahu sebesar apa rasa cintamu padanya?"
"Apakah kau pernah menyampaikan rasa cintamu?"

Dan lidahku kelu, tak tahu harus menjawab apa. Hatiku bagai teriris pisau kecil tajam dengan suara berdecit. Aku sadar, tak pernah terucap kata 'terima kasih', 'aku cinta padamu', atau bahkan 'selamat ulang tahun'. Mungkinkah selama ini mereka bertanya-tanya? Dan mereka tak pernah dapat jawabnya, aku pun tak bisa lagi memberi mereka jawaban yang mereka tunggu.

Hanya satu yang ingin kulakukan, kembali ke pangkuan ayah dan ibuku, lalu berbisik lembut di telinga mereka, "Aku sayang kalian."


Kawan, lakukanlah sebelum hari terakhir tiba. Karena kiamat bisa datang kapan saja. Jangan sampai penyesalan datang. Sadarilah sekarang, dan tunjukkan cintamu sebagaimana mereka menunjukkannya kepadamu berpuluh-puluh tahun lamanya.


U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

3rd February 2011 and this is the time to wish all of us a happy Chinese new year. Gong xi xin nian fa cai, shen ti jian kang, he jia ping an, wan se ru yi. :D:D:D

So, in this year of rabbit, I am doing something different with what I've done before. This year is my first time spending CNY away from home, this year is my first time not spending CNY with my family, and this year is my first time spending CNY with bf.

We went out for CNY Eve Dinner. yes, just two of us. Although we have tried to persuade others to join us, they just insisted that they didn't want to have dinner outside NTU. So, just two of us had our reunion dinner. The term is a little bit funny since reunion dinner is usually related to family gathering. But, uh, whatever.

And then, since we were in Marina Square and it was still very early when we finished our dinner, bf asked whether I would like to watch a movie. And, I thought, okay, since I've never done it before. So, there we were, watching Shaolin when people were just starting their reunion dinner. The movie was nice and worth to watch. I love Jackie Chan's movie. Yeyyyyy.

Since I haven't been in Singapore on CNY before, bf brought me to the floating platform at Marina Bay. There were some decoration set up there according to CNY theme. I was looking around and taking pictures while the rain suddenly dropped and other rain started to follow. It rained so hard till I was soaked from top to toe.

Actually I was happy, but I just want being in the same frame with bf. It has been too long since the last time we took picture together.

Happy CNY!

P.S. What to eat tomorrow?

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~