aLL 'BouT 'Fe-Ar'

Being old is not a choice. It's an obligation.

Living in this world as human being, we are bonded to a contract, an absolute one. No one can run away from this signed-by-blood-and-protected-by-more-than-law contract. We are supposed to live in a cycle: fetus-baby-toddler-child-teenager-adult-elder-corpse.

Although some people jump from one stage straight to the end, the rest and the majority follow the cycle very obediently. Each of them will start its life in an isolated and safe world, called womb, for nine months before being born and transform to a baby. The baby starts to recognize the world, get to know people around him, smile, laugh, get excited, and cry. He starts to babble and coo as an indication of learning how to speak. He starts to sit, stand, and walk. He grows bigger. He is toddler. Several more years and the toddler can be called a child. Year by year, his body grow taller. When the puberty signs come along, voila, he's a teenager. Passing the twentieth age, he leaves his teenage life and start to be an adult. Sooner or later, the aging will start and transform each of them to an elder. The hair will turn white, the skin will wrinkle, the strength will go away. All of the things will fade towards death. See, all of us are destined to go through the stages and from a tiny little thing called sperm, the wheel starts to rotate.

As a human, I have gone through some of the stages. I have felt the safety of being a fetus, inside my mother's womb, surrounded by the thick amniotic liquid. I have enjoyed the days of baby which I spent sleeping, eating, playing, and wearing diapers. I have passed the stage of toddlers when I was still too young to know the real life except playing dolls, singing, and drawing on the wall. One time, I have been a child who is so enthusiastic about anything new: television, school days, simple maths, poems, and drawings. I even have just finished my teenage life, the period when I finally knew how to giggle on cute guys, how to turn down boys, and how to feel the thing they called of first love. I've just two months away from the teenager status. I am officially an adult now, and the next step is being old, not more or less.

To be honest, I am so scared of the next stage of my live. Sooner or later, I will be old. My skin will no longer be smooth, my hair will be turning white, my legs will not be strong enough even for walking, my hands will shivering when I hold things, my eyesight will be blurrer, my teeth will be off one by one, and my brain will be getting dull. I am really afraid of the turning point. I feel not able to watch myself getting older and older. I have seen so many elders being abandoned by their family. They have to count the days towards the end of their story alone. None cares what they are doing. None wants to think about their wills and needs. None even bother to talk to them since they are just too outdated. when they get older and older, they lose more and more essence of life.

I know, I just happened to watch some of them who were so unlucky. The rest are okay with so many people taking care of them. But, I still think that the chance of me being one of the unlucky ones is still too big. I don't want to get older and have to rely on others for my living. I want to stay forever young and live my life on my own feet.
This lunch time, when I was queueing for my meal, I happened to see an old woman. I thought her age was about four times mine. She was alone and she was having her lunch: a bowl of white porridge and a portion of steamed fish. She was so skinny; her hair was white, too short for a woman; and her backbone was bended so that she couldn't walk straight anymore. Her hand was shaking when she tried to hold the spoon and feed herself. Her lips were also trembling when she attempted to sip her meal. I was looking at her with a sad smile. Even for a simple meal, she put the fullest effort. I felt like crying to loook at her. I wondered why she was alone, why no one was accompanying her having lunch, why this, and why that. I couldn't get my eye sight off of her till I got my turn to order for my meal as my questions hung silently in the air.

And I remembered the old guy I saw everyday on my way from and to Lavender MRT Station. He was old. He was alone. He looked miserable. He was unlucky. And of course, I remembered my grandmother.

My grandmother. She is in a more miserable condition than those two elders. She cannot do anything except lying on the bed and waiting for anyone to feed her, bath her, change her diaper, move her to the wheelchair, and talk to her. She even cannot cry anymore. She is so pity, isn't she?

Those people I mentioned was just three out of several thousands or more unlucky elders. I am so afraid of being one of them later. I don't dare to imagine myself in that condition. I don't want to be old. I don't want to be weak. I don't want to be miserable. I just want to stay in this space for eternity.

If only I can stop the time.


U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

Both of us are...
Yes we are...

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

Aku sungguh tidak suka, sungguh benci dengan orang yang seperti itu. Sikapnya membuatku naik darah. Aku benci dia.

Ya, benci. Aku benci padanya yang tak pernah menegurku, padahal aku selalu menyunggingkan senyum setiap kali aku berpapasan dengannya. Mungkin senyumku memang tak secantik Luna Maya, tapi aku benar-benar tersenyum untuk menyapanya. Sungguh kecewa saat melihat balasannya yang tak bergeming.

Aku tak mau lagi menyapanya. Cukup sudah.

Dia berhasil membuatku membencinya dengan kesombongannya.

Aku B.E.N.C.I. orang sombong!
Aku juga benci orang yang self centered, melulu bicara tentang diri sendiri. Aku benci orang pelit, pelit ilmu pelit harta pelit segalanya. Aku benci orang kepo, kepingin jadi sekjen PBB. Aku benci orang sotoy, komentar tak putus-putus. Aku benci orang sombong, seperti DIA!

*Bangun tidur tiba-tiba teringat dirinya yang menyebalkan, padahal setiap hari harus bertemu di kantor. Who do you think you are, huh???*

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

Later, I want to have a baby girl!

Yeah, looking at Kayra's photos made me wanna have a baby girl, of course, later, not now. Having a baby is not like having an iphone. You need more than to protect it with some cute sylicone or crystal case. You need to have enough physical and emotional preparation to deal with this.

But really, I feel like having a baby, a cute baby girl, of course.

• When I give birth of her, I will give her the name 'Searra' which means 'famous'. I don't know from where I got the name, it just kept popping up in my mind some time ago.
• When she turn one year-old, I will dress her in some cute outfits and comb her hair everyday. I will buy her some cute ribbons and hairpins.
• When she turn four, I will bring her to the kindergarten. We will walk hand by hand and she will look very pretty with her school uniform and her new school bag.
• When she turn twelve, she will come to me about her puberty problem and I will be the one in the house knowing this 'little secret'.
• When she turn fifteen, she will start dating but she will be too shy to admit it. Of course, I will just pretend not to know. She is a teenager, Man!
• When she turn eighteen, she will study very hard to enter university and I will support her whole-heartedly: being her friend when she needs an ear, being her teacher when she needs an explanation, or even being her nutricist when she needs good food.
• When she turn twenty two, I will be the one crying in pride and happiness for her graduation.
• When she turn twenty five, she will come back to me and ask for a solution for her working problem, I will definitely be her good friend.
• When she turn twenty six and is in preparation of her wedding, I will be the one who is  busier than the bride and the groom. I will suggest to change any details that I think not good enough for her marriage party.
• When she turn twenty seven and have the first big quarrel with her husband, I will hug and assure her that everything will be alright.
• When she turn twenty eight and have her baby, I will be the happiest yet most talkative person in the world.

And then, I must get back to the reality. I am still twenty, Man!
Okay, weekend is getting nearer and nearer. My brain is getting more and more scattered.


U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

Setiap hari dia duduk di sana. Sendiri, dalam kekosongannya, ia duduk dengan dagangannya. Tak pernah kulihat ia menawarkan apa yang dijajakannya. Ia hanya duduk dan menatap kosong ke depan dengan barang-barang yang seharusnya ia jajakan. Tak pernah kulihat ada orang yang menggubris sosoknya di sana, apalagi membeli apa yang ada di hadapannya. Ia bagaikan sosok tak kasat mata. Tak ada yang peduli, mereka hanya berjalan cepat-cepat melewati dirinya yang duduk sendiri dalam dunianya.

Ia sudah tua, mungkin sudah berada di tengah-tengah kepala tujuhnya, sedang bersiap menambah sebuah kepala lagi, atau bahkan lebih. Ia di sana, dengan kursi plastik dan gerobaknya yang berisi kartu-kartu telepon dagangannya. Ia di sana, selalu diam tanpa kata. Ia di sana, selalu di sana, setiap kali aku lewat. Terkadang ia mengambil posisi agak menjorok ke dalam agar terlindung dari matahari yang menyengat, terkadang ia duduk menghadap ke arah jembatan agar ia lebih mudah terlihat, terkadang ia duduk di depan sebuah tiang besar agar bisa bersandar. Ia selalu di sana, hanya bergeser beberapa inci saja.

Tak pernah kulihat dia absen dari tempat itu, baik pagi saat aku berjalan cepat-cepat ke kantor karena kesiangan, ataupun sore saat aku berjalan pelan-pelan menikmati semilir angin. Aku tak tahu sejak kapan dan sampai kapan ia di sana. Aku tak tahu jam berapa ia menyeret gerobak dan kursi plastiknya dari rumahnya. Ngomong-ngomong, di mana rumahnya, jauhkah? Aku pun tak tahu. Aku tak tahu siapa namanya, berapa umur pastinya, apakah ia punya anak, berapa cucu yang ia punya, atau bahkan mengapa ia berdagang kartu telepon di sana. Yang kutahu, ia selalu ada di sana, dalam diamnya.

Hatiku nyeri setiap kali berjalan melewatinya dan melihat mata sayunya yang kosong. Ia sudah begitu tua dan ia masih harus menghabiskan hidupnya dengan berjualan. Dengan duduk di sana dari matahari terbit hingga tenggelam, apakah ia cukup memenuhi kebutuhannya? Aku bertanya-tanya, berapakah uang yang ia dapatkan setiap hari? Aku bertanya-tanya, apakah dia punya teman yang bisa dijadikan tempat berkeluh-kesah ketika ia jenuh dengan hari-harinya? Aku bertanya-tanya, apakah ia masih punya istri yang akan menyambutnya dengan segelas kopi panas di rumah? Aku bertanya-tanya, bosankah ia dengan kehidupannya? Aku bertanya-tanya, sejak kapankah ia mulai berjualan? Aku bertanya-tanya, hanya dalam hatiku saja.

Dan aku kembali teringat pada ia yang terbaring diam di rumahku. Dan aku berkata, bersyukurlah penjual kartu telepon tadi, karena ia masih sanggup berjalan dengan gerobak dan kursi plastiknya, menikmati matahari pagi hingga senja untuk mengisi hari-harinya. Sementara ia yang sedang terbaring di rumahku, sudah tak bisa apa-apa. Ia hanya punya raga, tak lagi punya jiwa.

Waktu terus berjalan dan berjalan, dan aku yakin, tanpa ada lampu merah ataupun penanda jalan, masing-masing dari kita akan mencapai masa itu: masa di mana pagi dan malam tak lagi berbeda, masa di mana nasi dan roti rasanya sama, masa di mana masa kecil kembali terulang, dan jujur, aku sangat takut. Menjadi tua bukanlah sebuah pilihan. Mau tak mau, aku akan memasuki zona itu. Mau tak mau, aku akan menjadi satu dari sekian banyak orang-orang yang tak lagi punya tujuan hidup. Mau tak mau, aku akan merentangkan tanganku lebar-lebar untuk menyambut kematian. Mau tak mau.

And some time later, he will disappear, without anyone realizes.

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

On the playlist:
Hatiku cuma ada satu, sudah untuk mencintaimu. Tolong jangan sakiti lagi, nanti aku bisa mati.

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

Kerinduan ini sekarang sedang memuncak. Ingin sekali rasanya aku berlari dan mencari apa yang hatiku sedang rindukan, tapi aku tak mampu. Hanya satu kata yang ingin aku ucapkan: rindu

Mama
Aku rindu mama, sampai ingin mati rasanya. Menyesal aku tak terlalu menyambut baik telepon darinya kemarin malam. Kini aku rindu setengah mati padanya: rindu wangi tubuhnya, rindu suaranya, rindu masakannya, rindu kelembutannya, rindu kasih sayangnya. Walau ia tak hentinya mencurahkan segalanya kepadaku, tapi aku tetap merasa rindu. Telepon genggam tak mampu mengobati rasa rinduku yang telah meluap-luap. Aku ingin bertemu dengannya.

Papa
Aku rindu papa. Dia bukan manusia sempurna, apalagi dewa. Dia hanya manusia biasa. Dia pernah melakukan kesalahan, kecil dan besar, tapi dia tetap patut dirindukan. Papaku satu-satunya. Aku rindu bercanda dengannya, aku rindu pipiku dicium olehnya, aku rindu tawanya, bahkan aku rindu bau rokok di tubuhnya. Aku rindu!

Valen, Lisa, Vivien, Renni, Dya, Savitri, Merryn
Mereka yang duduk di barisan depan di hatiku. Sungguh, aku pun rindu. Entah sudah sekian lama kita tak lagi berbincang lewat Windows Live Messenger. Entah sudah sekian lama kita tak saling menanyakan kabar. Entah sudah sekian lama kita tak saling diskusi tentang ini dan itu. Sudah sangat lama, dan aku rindu kalian. Hati ini tak henti bertanya kapan kita bisa bertemu dan tertawa bersama lagi? Banyak hal yang mau aku ceritakan, dan aku yakin kalian juga begitu

Aku juga rindu teman-teman IndoCEE-ku, teman-teman Palzzzntu07-ku, sepupu-sepupuku. Ingin bercerita dan tertawa lepas bersama-sama. Rindu kalian!

Tentu saja, aku juga rindu kamu yang akan akan ada di hadapku tak lebih dari satu jam lagi.

Rindu! Rindu! Rindu!
Rinduku meluap-luap hingga membanjir-banjir

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

It's raining outside and it really describes my mood.

I don't know what the hell are going on inside me, but I really feel like exploding. I am more than sleepy, my head is spinning, and my heart feels uneasy somehow. I don't know what this is, I don't know why or how this happens. I just know that I want to escape from this boring life.

Yesterday was so bright, warm, and cheerful. Although my legs were almost broken, I enjoyed the day very much. I woke up so early in the morning after sleeping so late at night the day before to head straight to Bishan and meet my sister. She's my cousin, actually, 11 years older than me, but she's very close to me. I accompanied her going to the town and shopping. We wandered along stores, looked at this and that brands, touched on every interesting stuffs we saw, squeezed inside a fitting room, and commented on each other. Together with his husband and my bf, we chatted, we ate, we laughed. We had fun!

And today, the sky is so dark. It even pours the water to the earth. And I also feel very dark today. Without my cousin, without Orchard, without fitting rooms, without the fun, I felt so lost. I have been coming back to the reality. I am stuck here, in front of my computer with a very bad mood.

5.30 seems still very far away. I want to get back home and get to the dreamland asap. But, I don't want to get up and face tomorrow. My NTU Tutor will be coming tomorrow morning and I am a bit scared and stressed of what might be happening tomorrow. How if I cannot answer his question? How if I cannot impress him? How if my log book is not good enough for him? How if my colleagues tell him that I am not a good intern student? How if this happens? How if that happens? So many if-questions pop up inside my brain, but I cannot do anything. I really don't want tomorrow to come, but I want today to end. Complicated, huh?

And I am thinking about one more thing. Yeah, one more and very crucial: MONEY. No, of course I am not short of money to live in this tough country. I am also not in debt with some kind of mafia that can kill me if I run away from the payment. I am just in a way of spending too much money and it's frustating.

I need to save now, but I keep spending. Everytime I saw something, I felt like buying it. Yeah, maybe sometime I managed to control the will, but it's really not easy. I kept thinking of that thing.

List of things inside my brain now (it means I haven't bought them):
- A really cute dress from Hypnosis (S$60)
- A pair of flat shoes from Mitju (S$26)
- A Wize and Ope digital watch (S$145)
- A Casio leather watch (S$68)
- A pair of shorts from Red2 (S$15)
- A pair of mules from Charles and Keith (S$35)
- A black handbag from Charles and Keith (S$55)
- Another black handbag from Charles and Keith (S$50)

How is it?

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

Life is getting more and more dull. Things are getting more and more predictable. I am sick of this routines, really. I want a thrilling adventure to go and voila, I'm in front of it!

Okay, maybe it's not really in front of me. But, it's already in my head.
Yeah, I will have a trip with my besties on the next August. It's five months from now, but I have started to save some money for this journey.

Journey to the center of Indonesia, that's what I call it. *Okay, actually I just started call the trip like this a second ago*

I don't remember who actually proposed to have a trip together. But I remember it's about last November we started to talk about this. That time, maybe some thought it was just a joke, so we didn't get further with the planning. I happened to lose my hope on this trip since all of us studied in different universities and each university had its own academic calendar. It was very hard to find a time slot that could suit all of us.

But, God led the way, I believe. Suddenly, Renni brought up this topic again. We discussed more seriously and got August as the time. Most probably it would be early August and we planned to go to Bali and spend about one week there.

As usual, things never go as smooth as the plan. We found that the air ticket to Bali was damn expensive and we had not enough money to cover all the expenditure there. So, then, Java Island will be the destination.

We will first head to Jogjakarta from Palembang, our hometown. About three to four day will be spent there before we rush to Bandung, the capital of the West Java. Another three days to be spent, then we will head to the capital city of Indonesia, Jakarta. We will be there for about two days before going back to Palembang. In total, it is nine days of full togetherness for us. Yeahhhh.


Nine days are not short, and of course, we need to spend money there. So, all of us are tighten our belts for this (hopefully) memorable journey. The problem is I am in the way of consumerism. At the moment, I want so many things: this and that, that and this. I must save. But how?

Okay, nevermind about my money. I am sure I can find a way out of this. Just pray for me and don't rob me. It's already very okay. Lol.

About the trip, I really really extremely feel very excited. Maybe I've been there before but this time will be very different. I will go with my besties and this will be my first vacation I plan by myself and I spend with my own money. OMG, I am so excited!!!

Yes, maybe we will not sleep in the hotels, maybe we will not get into the first class airflights, maybe we will not have dinner in the sophisticated restaurants, but we will sure have fun!!!

Bandung
1. Kawah Putih
Kawah Putih is the volcanic terrace located 2300 meter above the sea level. I've never been to this place before, but I know it will be fun being there. I can imagine the beautiful scenery and the fresh air there.

Pacaran? Backstreet? Saya yakin semuanya pernah mendengarkan istilah ini diucapkan oleh teman-teman yang sedang menjalin hubungan dengan seseorang tapi mereka memutuskan untuk tidak membiarkan satu atau lebih pihak mengetahui hubungan mereka sebenarnya.

Menurut http://www.dictionary.com/ ,

back-street   /ˈbækˌstrit/ Show Spelled[bak-street] Show IPA



–adjective


taking place in secrecy and often illegally: back-street political maneuvering; back-street drug dealing.

Jadi, pacaran backstreet berarti melakukan hubungan pacaran dalam sebuah kerahasiaan. Dan kemungkinan yang menyebabkan kerahasiaan itu adalah ilegalitas.

Ada yang terpaksa backstreet karena tidak mendapat restu dari orang tua. Mungkin orang tua menganggap si pacar tak cukup layak untuk anaknya. Mungkin juga orang tua masih belum mengizinkan si anak pacaran lantaran umurnya yang masih sangat muda. Atau, bisa jadi orang tua sudah memilihkan calon pendamping yang 'terbaik' buat si anak. Siapa yang tahu?

Ada yang backstreet karena masing-masing dari mereka masih punya gandengan di luar sana dan mereka terpaksa menyembunyikan hubungan mereka. Daripada merusak perasaan dua orang yang diselingkuhi, lebih baik dua orang yang selingkuh yang mengalah. Mungkin saja begitu pikir mereka.

Ada juga yang backstreet karena tak ingin pasarannya rusak. Popularitas akan menurun tajam bagi mereka yang sudah secara 'facebook' terikat dengan seseorang. Maka, untuk tetap menikmati manisnya dikejar-kejar dan dipuja-puja sejuta umat, jalan belakanglah yang dipilih.

Lain lagi dengan yang backstreet karena malas dibombardir dengan pertanyaan bertubi-tubi dari kanan, kiri, depan, dan belakang. Mereka lebih memilih diam dan menyembunyikan hubungan mereka karena bagi mereka pacaran adalah sebuah privasi, mungkin.

Tak menutup kemungkinan ada yang menjalani hubungan secara backstreet karena menginginkan sebuah petualangan. Kencan sembunyi-sembunyi, SMS-SMS rahasia, dan hal-hal yang hanya diketahui berdua dan tetap harus disimpan sebagai milik berdua saja menjadikan hubungan jadi lebih fluktuatif dan meningkatkan adrenalin. Backstreet itu seru bagi sebagian orang.

Tentu saja, ada banyak lagi hal yang melandasi keputusan pasangan-pasangan untuk merahasiakan atau mempublikasikan hubungan mereka. Namun, yang dihadapi oleh pasangan-pasangan yang menjalankan hubungan semacam ini kurang lebih sama.

1. Tidak akan ada acara 'ngapel' atau jemput menjemput.
2. Acara kencan akan jadi sangat terbatasi. Kemungkinan besar kencan akan dilakukan dalam rombongan besar dan tentu saja juga secara sembunyi-sembunyi. Jika mereka berhasil pergi berdua saja untuk kencan, leher mereka akan bertambah panjang sepulang kencan lantaran sibuk celingak-celinguk takut ketahuan.
3. Dering-dering telepon jadi sangat jarang terdengar karena risiko ketahuan menjadi lebih besar. SMS akan jadi cara yang jauh lebih aman karena obrolan tidak akan terdengar.
4. Akan ada beban moral karena menutupi sesuatu dari banyak pihak.

Ada yang menutupi hubungan dengan mengganti nama kontak si pacar di telepon genggamnya dengan nama seseorang secara random. Jaga-jaga kalau saja ada yang iseng mengecek . Ada juga yang tetap nekat pergi kencan tapi membohongi orang tua dengan mengatakan mau pergi belajar, atau hang out bersama teman-teman segender. Ada juga yang dengan tabahnya menjalani hubungan via SMS tanpa kencan dan restu.

Banyak alasan untuk memilih backstreet, banyak masalah yang akan dihadapi, dan banyak cara untuk menutupinya.
Backstreet, sebuah pilihan hidup.


U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

Kepingin:

1. jam tangan digital Wize and Ope warna putih
2. ipod nano warna ungu 16 giga
3. nonton Dear John
4. nonton Alice in Wonderland
5. jalan-jalan ke Jogja, Bandung, Jakarta bareng sahabat-sahabat
6. main di Universal Studios Singapore
7. pindah jurusan ke design atau hospitality atau journalism
8. naik gaji
9. berhenti IA
10. kurus
11. liburan
12. diambilin boneka dari mesin
13. ketemu mama papa

1. masuk kerja senin sampe jumat jam 8.30 pagi sampe 5.30 sore
2. bangun subuh-subuh tiap hari
3. makan makanan yang sama di tempat yang sama tiap hari
4. browsing sambil toleh kanan kiri kaya copet tiap hari
5. gendut
6. bikin log book per 2 minggu entry
7. bikin IA formal report
8. ngeliat jam tangan yang kacanya seperti kegores tapi ngga ada goresan
9. share kamar sama orang yang ngenalin diri pun ngga mau
10. ngganggur
11. berdiri di mrt dua jam lebih per hari

The first time I knew him was when I entered grade XI in senior high school. I happened to be in one class with him for almost one year but I didn't know him better after the term ended. During the year, I only once had a chat with him during the break time and I totally forgot what I was talking to him that time. Haha.

And now, without any realization, I have known him much better than anytime, and I hope much more than anyone.

He is quiet. No, he is totally not quiet.
He always acts cool. Not really.
He likes game. No, he loves it.
He is protective. Yes, very much, to everyone he loves.
He never studies. He wants, but he cannot multitask.
He is a good guy. Absolutely.

Happy birthday, Dear. Hope you have a great start of your twenties and will be as good till you turn two hundred.

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

Someone over there: Ahui, ah????
Me: *thinking* What????
Someone over there: Halo???
Me: *whispering since it's office man!* I think you call the wrong number...
Someone over there: *talk to someone else* Wo da zhuo hao ma leh...
Me: *considering to end the call since she's not talking to me anymore*
Someone over there: Oh, long lumber, solly ar...

Then the phone call was over.
She cut it off before me.
S***. She won. XD

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

Kesedihan yang seharusnya tak ada kini membuncah-buncah. Magma yang seharusnya hanya diam di dasar sana dalam kesendiriannya sekarang bergejolak dan berbuih-buih. Ia siap keluar ke permukaan dan bertransformasi menjadi lava, lava yang bisa kapan saja termuntahkan dan memenuhi semua ruang yang ada maupun tiada, lava yang menghancurkan dan melapisi semuanya, lava yang membunuh dan menerjang siapa saja.

Iya, kesedihanku bagai magma yang sedang terebus di perut bumi. Sesaat lagi ia tak kan lagi malu-malu menampakkan diri. Sesaat lagi ia akan bertransformasi jadi lava: air mata dan aku akan berenang-renang di dalamnya hingga aku melebur menyatu dengan lavaku.

Aku muak dengan dunia ini, dengan hidupku. Ingin aku lari saja, kembali pulang ke rahim ibu dan berenang-renang di dalam air ketubannya. Hanya aku dan dia, berdua. Tak perlu ada siapa-siapa, tak perlu ada apa-apa. Hanya aku dan dia. Aku rindu dia dan segala yang ia punya. Rindu, teramat sangat.

Kenapa dunia ini begitu menentangku? Ketika aku membuka mataku dengan penuh harap akan hari yang indah, segalanya seketika jungkir balik begitu saja. Segalanya tampak tak benar, segalanya seperti begitu salah. Kepalaku berdenyut-denyut, tenggorokanku seperti tertusuk-tusuk, dan aku harus beradaptasi dengan atmosfer kerja yang baru. Aku tak ingin di sini, aku tak mau duduk di depan komputer ini. Meja yang luas dan kosong ini membuat aku hilang arah, internet explorer yang tak henti-hentinya menampakkan judul not responding merebus darahku hingga mendidih, CPU yang mengaum secara berkala berhasil memuakkanku, dan aku hanya ingin satu hal: MENANGIS.

Bolehkah?

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~