aLL 'BouT 'Fe-Ar'

It's been so long since I haven't written randomly in this blog, so here you go.

#1 Foolish
It's been coming into my mind all day long, how I have been fooled by people around. I thought about them and they hardly let me come into their considerations. I thought about their feelings so often, but they just did whatever they liked without even asking a single will-she-be-alright-if-I-do-so question. So sad. And now after they finished messing with my life, they spreading gossips about me. I have been fooled and I am definitely a fool.


#2 Mouse
My mouse is having a severe illness now. Sometimes, most of the time when bf is around, she (yes a she!) is able to wander here and there, playing with me so cheerfully. But, at other times, she is just so cold and unable to do anything. She doesn't shine! And I am really sorry for her. Maybe she will rest in peace in near future.


#3 Returning
Yeah, although I have said that I wouldn't go back during my December holiday, I will still do so. Such a big mouth, huh? Due to one thing and another, I decided not head back to Indonesia during Chinese New Year. Instead, I will have my last holiday for 14 days from 25th December 2010 to 8th January 2011. And if God permits, I wish I could go on a trip my my family during CNY period. If it's really impossible, having the first CNY with bf is not a bad idea, after all. The bad things are just no pineapple cookies, masuba, lapis legit, pempek, and hong bao.


#4 Layden
Layden is a little bit sick also. I'm afraid she will die soon also. Too many times she couldn't respond well and too many times I have been forced to unplug the cable. Oh Man, I want her to be just alright.


#5 Blank
Suddenly, I forgot what to write although deep inside I know that I still have some thoughts to share with you. So, I think this is called acute sleepiness. I need my antibiotics: sleep. So, good night!!! :):):)

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

Dua tangan, dua kaki, dua telinga, dua mata. Apakah semua itu belum cukup sehingga kau harus memiliki dua wajah?

Begitu banyak manusia di dunia, begitu banyak wajah yang harus diingat, tapi mengapa masih ada satu tubuh yang mau punya dua. Aku tak tahu harus mengingat yang mana: yang hitam kah, atau yang putih kah?

Mengapa kau suka punya dua wajah? Di depanku kau tertawa, tapi di balik punggungku kau mencerca. Lebih baik kau ludahi aku di wajah daripada kau melempar batu lalu sembunyi tangan.

Kau kira aku tak tahu dua rupamu itu? Kau salah besar, aku tahu segalanya. Tak perlu jadi Tuhan untuk tahu apa yang kau katakan tentangku di belakang. Aku yang selama ini kau bodohi pun tahu, apalagi Tuhan? Jadi, tunggulah, kawan, Tuhan akan datang dan menegurmu.

Karena aku sakit. Dikhianati. Difitnah. Ditusuk dari belakang.

Tapi aku akan bertahan. Aku akan memenangkan pertarungan ini. Karena aku berdiri dengan kakiku sendiri.

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

Recently, I watch mivo.tv quite often and suddenly, the feeling of homesick come so frequently. At one time, I imagined myself watching celebrity infotainment program at home while enjoying snacks at home. At another time, I imagined having star fruits cut by mom. And, oh, I think, that's what people call heaven. We don't need to die to feel how peaceful heaven is, we just need to say a simple thanks for the family God has blessed us. And I am so thankful that I can do so.

I miss Indonesia, I miss my family.

And these days, Indonesia has been getting into a big crisis. Flood (again) in Jakarta. Earthquake and tsunami in Mentawai. And volcano eruptions in Merapi.
I am so sorry for Indonesia. Too many troubles for such a fragile country.

Indonesia is a huge country, but it is still to young to deal with so much things. The people inside still cannot believe in their government, there are still too many controversy. Other countries still try to eat up Indonesia little by little and due to the reason stated above, no one knows how to deal with this problem. And then, mother earth seems too fed up with this country and decides to send reminders.

God, please protect Indonesia. Let it cross this bridge of troubles and it will become stronger.

I am not in Indonesia, but Indonesia is where my heaven is located. I miss Indonesia, I miss my heaven.

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

I want to witness the various places around the world, be a world traveler, make friends with many people, and set my feet on every single dot of this huge ball.

I want to learn, learn, and learn endlessly, because I believe that learning will never end as long as I am still breathing

I want to meet fireflies. Just one time.

God, please let me achieve my dreams before I die, although it means I will die right after all of them are accomplished.

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

And today, my heart was broken completely... I feel soulless...

Remain at your place, do not consider moving

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

• Woke up before 6
• Ran in the middle of the haze
• Saw an old man scolded people over and over in the MRT just because he wanted people to get up and give the priority seat to HIS BELONGINGS
• Went to various book shops to find TOEFL Test Guide Book and bought nothing
• Went to Kwan Im Temple and got pushed by an idiot middle-age woman when I was worshipping
• Walked a long long way with bf to reach Prinsep Street and find Strictly Pancake
• Had a super sinful dessert time with a shared stack of chocolate pancakes with chocolate ice cream, homemade chocolate, and strawberries
• Found that the excavation of Bras Basah MRT was sooooooo deep that maybe they kept the struts remaining intact with the wall
• Went to Vivo City and helped bf to buy a tie, polo tee, and something secret for little sister
• Discovered my wet clothes hanger when I got back room and realized the west rained so hard when I was sweating in the central
• Failed to practice the TOEFL mini test since my computer didn't respond so well and froze over and over till I wanted to cry
• Doing the copy-paste repetitively to back-up my precious files

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

Maybe I am disturbing. Maybe I am annoying. Maybe you feel that I am so lame to lecture you over and over. Maybe you think I poke my nose too much into your business. Maybe you are so tired of facing me.

But, what I do is just because I always think about you and your happiness. I don't want to see any regret on your face. I don't want to watch your heart broken. I just want to see a smile rising from your lips. That's all.

Please bear with me, because I will keep bugging you.

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

In a moment, I had an enormous tendency to continue study, I browsed universities' websites as if there were no tomorrow. But, in another glance, I was longing for a job more than anyone else. Oh, Man, I feel like standing on two speeding boats. Each one of my feet rests on different one and I may trip off at anytime.

I am a girl, I have ambitions, I have dream, I have heart, I have logic, I have fear, I want challenge, I need a leap, I long for respect, but I do have limit.

I am crossing my finger all the time.

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

Just now, I remembered watching a clip during one of my first year Effective Communication lessons. The clip showed a couple who were in a row. Both of them had great careers, and the girl was just promoted to a higher position. However, she should move to another city if she accepted the offer. The girl wanted to move and go on  the long distance relationship, but the guy didn't agree. He was pissed off since he thought he could give a good life for them by doing his job, but the girl just wanted another leap to her career.

When I watched the clip, not any further thought came into my mind. I just did some questions I need to answer based on the situation: what communication problem they were facing? what solution was the best for them? and some more analysis questions.

But today, suddenly I thought: would I face this kind of problem in my relationship?

Yes, now I wanted to move and continue my study. Both bf and I have agreed that we will put a very hard effort on our relationship if I decide to go overseas, but how about our long term plan? I don't know.

What I know now, I will come back to him, sooner or later.
What I know now, he will fight for the future with me, and so will I
What I know now, we will find our way to be together and have a huge happiness

So, Father God, please lead us to the right path. Thank You very much. I love You, Father.

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

Sometimes the right path is not the easiest one - Pocahontas

And this is the answer from God for my prayers and my questions all this long. I have been asking repetitively and He sent me the answer right in front of my eye. Yeah, through Twitter, he talked to me and He said that I should follow my heart.

I have been thinking, asking my heart, rethinking, and reasking. I still cannot find what my heart really wants, but at least, now I know, God is with me and He will be with me regardless of what path I choose.

So, I will take my sweet sweet time to think and consider, to rethink and reconsider, because this may be the jump or free-fall of my life. I think to the extreme side.

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

P.S. I am wishing for a DSLR, I hope Father Christmas will send me one, but I don't have any chimney inside my room and I haven't hung my sock. 


P.S.S. And I don't think a DSLR could fit into the sock, anyway.


P.S.S.S. Actually I also need a new wallet and a new handbag. Mine are worn out.


P.S.S.S.S. I also think about a pair of ankle boots, to be honest


P.S.S.S.S.S. And I don't think Father Christmas exists. So, oh, hell.

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

Today is the birthday of my another blog.
Happy birthday!!!

Today is my first quiz of the semester.
I hope I can score well and get a good grade for this subject. I know I studied reluctantly in the past few days, but I really hope for the best. Jia you, Fen! Jia you!

Today I watched Spongebob and see this:

I hope today is also my best day ever!!!

Have a nice day~~~

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

I am:

• waiting for bf to come and have lunch together at that s*k* Canteen 2 
• lazy to continue studying Structure 3 for my quiz tomorrow 
• still in the dilemma of continuing the degree or getting a job and building a life in Singapore 
• in the middle of books and papers piling on my desk and bed 
• searching papers an books relevant to my FYP 

I will:

• accompany bf to Jurong Point since he desperately wants to change phone
• meet my parents on next Wednesday and Thursday before they depart to China
• visit the Education Fair in Hilton Hotel Singapore
• pray pray pray for my future
• be busy with so many works during recess: FYP, ID, proffcomm, Steel, Excavation, etc, etc, etc

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

I think God is testing my bravery now.

During my 3-year study, I have missed so many things that I could have fun with. I missed working part-time for extra allowance; I missed getting to know NUS by not applying SUSEP; I missed the chance to get to know other countries, either by GIP, GSS, INSTEP, or even Work and Travel; I missed the feel of EURECA by not scoring good enough during my 1st and 2nd year; I missed this and that. I missed a lot of things and I hate that.

When I look back even further, I saw even more things that I've missed out. I missed so many chances to jump, to soar, to fly, and I am so sad. I missed the chance to get into NUS since the stupid post service lost my bank draft; I missed so many writing competitions that I wanted to join; I missed the opportunity to learn violin since my mom just didn't allow; I missed this and that. I missed so many things. Oh, Gosh.

And now, when suddenly, the thought of pursuing further degree overseas struct me like thunder, I can't decide what to do. Should I find a university and apply for a scholarship? Or should I just try my luck in Singapore?

Will I dedicate myself to the tedious application procedure? Can I adapt with the new life later?

DO I DARE TO TAKE THE RISK??????

And I really don't know the answer. I am lost. And I am lost. And I am lost.
I don't know what to decide.


U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

And the questions really shocked me. It indicated a slight refusal and an implicit challenge. I never expected to get those shots, thus I started to feel very worry. I couldn't sleep well, I kept thinking, and I knew I could do nothing except sending the prayers over and over to The Almighty God.

She was trying to ask me to consider my decision. I know she always wants the best for me, and now, the fact that she speaks out makes me dizzy. What should I do? Does she really know what is the best for me? Did I walk in the right way?

Ow, crap.

The decision is not not in my hand, the burden is not on my shoulder, the fate is not within my capability. All are under your responsibility.

Do whatever your heart tell you to do, and I will still be here, hoping for the best future to greet, until the time permits the answer to be revealed.

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

Each day, I grow a day older
Each day, I come to death nearer
Each day, I step my feet further
Each day, oh, each day, I attempt to be better

Lots of days, lots of nights
Lots of happiness, lots of sadness
Lots of days, lots of nights
Lots of laughters, lots of curses
Lots of days, lots of nights
Lots of hope, lots of dissatisfaction
Lots of days, oh lots of days

Lots of days I think, the remaining I rethink
Lots of nights I dream, the remaining I redream
Lots of days and lots of nights, the imagination goes wild
Lots of days and lots of nights, at the corner I just cry

The clock keeps ticktocking, like going to tease me
Oh, I keep running, why are you still there and doing rubbish?
The sun rises and sets endlessly, like trying to message me
Hey, this bright and dark keep changing, why don't you do so?
The people pass by, like feeling to tell me
You keep that pace, and I will reach the moon when you get to the shore

Oh how I want myself to change
To be mature by hearts
To be good girl in town

And when the future greets
I want to draw my smile
From ear to ear
Bigger
Better
Than anyone else
And I will be the prettiest girl in the universe
Because, my beauty comes from my heart

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

My life is getting messier: sleep at 3, wake up at 5, lunch at 3...

I wonder how my mom will scold me if she knows what the heck I am doing here...

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

I want to block my brain, I want to stop thinking, I want to give up expecting. I keep saying, but I just cannot stop doing so. I am such a loser.

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

Is it okay to be optimistic? Or I need to control the gap between earth and dream more tightly? Maybe it's still too early to dream, maybe it's not good to dream to much, maybe watch out the reality is more important. I am just confused.
LOL.

And the pressure drives my blog crazy. I need a space to talk nonsense, and voila, this is the perfect place!!!

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

I want to be that kind of girl who can have anything she wants. To be honest, I am jealous to those who can pick this and that without even looking at the price tag. I want to be part of them, having more than enough bags and shoes to be mix-matched with the red-blue-pink-purple-black-white-orange-yellow-brown-or-even-flowery dresses that grow exponentially. But I know, I can't, not just because my father may not afford that kind of life style, it's also because I myself will not have the courage to spend that much money. I have been seeing my father work in sweat, tears, and even blood to feed all the family, and I can't spend the money just for satisfying my thirst of new up to date branded stuffs. I just cannot.

But, really, the jealousy can't just go away. I still want to be one of the princesses. When I want a bag, I just rush into LV and choose one. When I think about nice food, I just walk to Fullerton and the waiters will serve me like there's no one else in the world. When I am stressed out and feel like having a getaway, the private jet of my father will just fetch me and bring me to Hawaii. Oh, how nice the world will be.

And, I swear, I will work hard to achieve the level!!!
Ganbatte!!!

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

Kekecewaan seringkali datang menghampiri. Terlalu sering aku mengucapkan apa yang seharusnya tak aku katakan, dan setelah aku mengatakannya, aku menyesal. Aku harus lebih banyak berpikir sebelum bertindak, more mindful, more thoughtful.

Aku butuh mesin waktu, walau kutahu tak akan ada sesuatu yang disebut mesin waktu itu. Aku ingin memperbaiki kesalahanku, tapi tak ada cara kembali ke titik itu. Hanya satu yang bisa aku lakukan: be more mindful, more thoughtful.

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

When the sadness came, when the disappointment visited, when problems greeted, when everything went to a mess.
I let the tears roll down, but I insisted to keep the bubble inside. Nope, the bubble forced to stay, and it's choking me all the way.

I always wonder why life is unfair. The rich and the poor, the beauty and the ugly, the smart and the dummy. And why some need to face problems endlessly? I thought being a good human can prevent those evil to stay near, but in fact, it's nonsense. Some good humans, good people, good siblings, good relatives, good friends, and good students are still chained by too many problems for them to handle.

I am hoping for the strength, for me, for those who have tied the knot with endless problems. I am hoping for a way out of this chaos.

Yeah, I am talking nonsense.

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~