Tuesday, April 07, 2009


#Above the sky#

Everything was just going on very well until I spreaded the seeds of expectation inside my heart. Then I grew so fast, made my heart swell bigger and bigger. So fool I am, I kept expecting and expecting, opening the imaginary door of my high expectation . I had counted the chicken before all the eggs hatched.

And when the eggs lastly hatched, I realized, I had counted wrongly. Nothing was wrong with the chicken, nothing was wrong with the eggs. The only thing that was really wrong is me myself. I am too arrogant, too proud with my own thought. I was playing too much with my own imagination.

Now, I am just here, have a brain scattered with some random regrets. I can't do anything except evolving my point of view.
Don't count the chicken before they hatch.
There's always another layer of sky above the sky.


And I am the one who ruins my idealism. I have tried so hard to keep on my track and I just failed. I have attempted so badly to be always on a right 'path', but I just aborted it by myself.

I am so sorry that I had to become such a coward. I just couldn't let myself being victimized. I could no longer resist the burden of future miserable days. And, yeah, I let myself being driven by the flood. I did the same things like they, whom at first I thought very pity, did.

I feel like I have deceived myself and I wonder whether I actually deserve the thing I will get later. I feel like so short and poor.

And the question is, "Is the desire to get a better days a fault?"

Oh My! My heart just can't let myself feel happy.


Time changes, day and night change, people change, and so do I. Since I was too small to stand on my own feet until now, when I am mature enough to carry much more burdens, I have changed and I feel it.

Don't say about such a long time matter, even for this one year, I have changed. I tried to reflect, these days, what kind of changes did I accomplish? I remember, last year, I was still so emotional. I kept shouting, complaining, grumbling, and did such a childish acts without thinking about others. I don't know how many people I have actually hurt, but one thing I know, I realized that I was wrong and I apologize, really apologize. And now, I can feel that the world is much more beautiful with less fury I have.

And now, again, I realize, there are still many many things I have to change. I'm still so far away from the level of 'good'. I'm still a muddy stone, and I need to evolve to be a diamond. It will take time, of course, but I'm sure what I pay is really comparable to what I get in the end.

I'm a diamond, you're a diamond, everyone is a diamond.

#A new breath#

Align Right
A new feeling has started to bloom inside this small cavity that I call heart. I caught a new breath, a new hope. I found a new sincerity, I felt a new warm heart , I saw a new pair of hands. But, should I be trapped inside the labirynth once more? Am I foolish enough to get myself hurt one more time?

I'm delighted, but I'm afraid of falling. I can't stop thinking about it, but I can't accept it as real. I feel tender, but I feel scared of melting. I don't want to fall (in love) again.

Philophobia, that what's I am.

U're the best I've ever had

4 thoughts:

~'FeN'~ said...

Err.. mau komen jadi bingung, agak beda sih.. hehehe

Tentang #A new breath#:
Jangan takut Fen, peluklah rasa itu :)
What doesn't kill us make us stronger. Gitu khan? Nah, cinta seperti apa yang bisa membunuh?
Mengutip kata Queen:
Too much love will kill you
If you can't make up your mind
Torn between the lover
And the love you leave behind

~'FeN'~ said...

beda kenapa kah?

terimakasih comment-nya...
semoga rasa yang terlupa itu bisa kembali dalam dekapan...

~'FeN'~ said...

beda, soalnya ada widgetnya... haha
makin sophisticated aja nih blognya.. :)

~'FeN'~ said...

Iya nih...
Baru subscribe blogcatalog...
Gatau ngutak-ngatik apaan, tb2 jadi ber-widget...

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