aLL 'BouT 'Fe-Ar'

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

I just don't know how to continue studying now. Not that I have been so well-prepared for the last two exams, not that I have finished studied all the materials, not that I believe I can score 100 marks out of 100. I am just too bored to continue studying. I want this exam to end as soon as possible. I feel like going to sleep now and wake myself up tomorrow afternoon, so that I can straightly shower, have my lunch, and go to the exam hall.

Twelve days have passed since my first exam, but I am still in the middle of my battle. I still have two more to beat tomorrow and the day after. However, my brain wants holiday RIGHT NOW.

So, what am I doing now? Continuously checking FB and Twitter. Watching random videos on YouTube. And yawning over and over.

I have tried to call people on MSN but they seem too busy to entertain me. I have also messaged bf, but he is seriously studying for his last exam tomorrow, so I feel it's not right to disturb him.

I just want to finish this smoothly and I'll welcome my last holiday.

To do list for holiday:
- eating molen, bakpia, mochi, martabak, mie, pempek, model, tekwan, lenggang, etc, etc, etc
- baking some foodies with mama
- learning how to cook some simple dishes
- going to cinema and K-Box with besties
- having photo taking session with besties
- cooking with besties
- spending new year's eve together with besties
- spending quality times with family and friends

And in this upcoming holiday:
I WILL EAT HARD, PLAY HARD!!!

But don't forget, I have application form to complete.
So, additional to do list:
- writing motivation letter
- writing my CV

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

I guess, I am just the one who feels lonely... Nobody else...

*should not bug people in their exam preparation*
*get back to my own study*

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

... all of a sudden I feel worried about my examination results?

... I am afraid to disappoint myself and my parents?

... I think I haven't put the greatest effort of mine?

... I am so scared of not being able to keep everything I have achieved?

God, please help me.
Thank you.
I love You.

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

Once upon a time, there's this girl. She knew me and I knew her, since we lived in the same hall for several years.

Prior to the new semester, each of us was allocated a room. I got the room she wanted so much and she  asked me to exchange my room ILLEGALLY with hers. Of course I refused this idea since I was the one who got the room from THE FIRST ROUND and the location of my room is DEFINITELY BETTER than hers.

Then she left MY ROOM with a big chunk of disappointment.

I never thought that she was really mind about getting this room. Until one day, when I was alighting from the bus, she was queuing up to hop on it. I smiled to her and she threw away her face from me. Then I thought, "Okayyyy, she is pissed off with my rejection" and never thought about it anymore.

And today, just now, several minutes ago, I met her again. I pulled the door opened at the exact moment when she pushed the door to enter the toilet. I was about to say sorry, but when I saw her face, I just kept my mouth shut. She looked at me, like I was blocking her way and as if I wasn't supposed to stand in front of her. Helooooooo, this is public toilet, YOUR MAJESTY.

She thinks THIS HALL IS HERS, ISN'T SHE???? And everyone MUST entertain her wish? Hey, not me, of course.

Should she mad when I rejected her crazy request??? She's totally insane. Crazy. Bitch.


U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

Ya ampun, I am soooo sad. Mom wanted us to spend CNY at Lembang and I got very excited. I planned to head back to Jakarta on Feb 1st and come back here on Feb 8 since only at that two dates I can find a super cheap air ticket. But, mom said it's too long for them to be out of town. She wanted to go to Jakarta on Feb 1st, head to Bandung and Lembang on Feb 2nd, head back to Jakarta on Feb 5, and go back to Palembang on Feb 6th. It means she wants to leave bro on his birthday and leave me one day before my birthday. I guess, I always expect too much.

Maybe it's better for me to spend CNY and birthday here with bf and his FYP report?

This year is not going to be a good one :(

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

One week before my second last exam in my second last semester.

Feeling:
- sleepy (yuppp)
- excited (to welcome holiday)
- festive (as Christmas is approaching)

In mind:
- Sleep
- Studying schedule for next few days
- Mom and home
- Bf and his port tour tomorrow
- CNY

Has done:
- Setting aside all Steel lecture notes
- Cleaning and tidying up my room
- Doing my laundry
- Registering Stephen as my referee and providing him all necessary informations
- Applying for the post of Project Engineer in LTA

Happy for:
- Having bf to support me

Sad for:
- Being too far away from home
- Missing the chance to get a lifetime membership from Sour Sally

To do list:
- Study Structure III
- Study Excavation and Retaining Wall
- Go to Orchard
- Buy chocolates that mom asked me to buy
Okay, stop, it's too long term

So, STUDY!!!


U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

Two hours before my second exam.

Feeling:
- nervous (of course.)
- bored (yeah, definitely)
- sleepy (aha!)

In mind:
- home
- leisure
- CNY
- graduation trip
- traveling

To do list:
- clean and tidy up my room
- register Stephen as another referee
- apply for LTA


Yeah, okay, get back to business. First thing first.

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

Apakah air mata itu tanda kelemahan?
Mengapa air mata tak pernah bisa menyembuhkan hati yang tercabik-cabik?

Dan air mata ini, mengalir dan terus mengalir, seperti hendak mengatakan pada dunia bahwa terlalu banyak sudah yang tersimpan dalam hati ini. Ia mengalir dan terus mengalir, seperti hendak menjeritkan kepedihan dari luka yang tertanam dalam. Dan ia mengalir dan terus mengalir, tanpa pernah perduli apa kata dunia.

Aku di sini bersama air mataku, yang menyuarakan keputusasaanku. Aku di sini bersama air mataku, yang membuka kunci kebisuanku. Aku di sini bersama air mataku, yang mengakui ketakberdayaanku dengan lapang dada. Hanya aku dan air mataku.

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

I am feeling blue
A gloomy cloud on stormy day
I need some clue
For leading me on the right way


I am feeling blue
Yes, I am feeling blue

I am feeling so blue right now. My head is just too full, but the thoughts keep coming and pushing into my small brain. I need an external brain, if only I could.

I feel so angry. I am angry to those brainless-but-have-too-many-mouths people. I am angry to those who just believe to what they hear without digesting anything. I am angry to those who just watch and don't do anything. I am even angry to myself for being such a useless person: I cannot do anything here, except crying, praying, and cursing.

I really need a savior, to lead me out of this problem. I don't know what should I do. I even don't know to whom I should pour my tantrum. It's just keep piling inside me and maybe some time later, it will explode and cause a big disaster.

I've been thinking, I will reach the highest state I can reach, being rich and make those bad-mouth people feel jealous even more. I'll let them talk everything they want to talk, but I'll show them that I am the strongest one, and I'll protect my loved ones. If they dare to hurt any one of my loved ones, I'll kill them.

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

me: So we'll go to Orchard after exam?
bf:   Who on earth doesn't go to Orchard after exam?
me: ...

I want to enjoy Christmas... Ugh... Three papers to go...

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

And I am craving for iPhone, since bf showed me an application to write diary... Oh, My... The interface is sooo cool and you can write, paste some pictures, tag people, and do other beautiful stuffs...

I want it I want it I want it *for Christmas*


U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

And he asked me to consider a postgraduate study in NTU since ha had about 50 scholarships to be awarded. Moreover, it's a joint courses between NTU and UCB!!!

Should I consider????

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

I found this story in a friend's blog. She pasted it from some other posts, I don't know. It's so inspiring, you have to spend your several minutes to read it.

When I got home that night as my wife served dinner, I held her hand and said, I've got something to tell you. She sat down and ate quietly. Again I observed the hurt in her eyes.

Suddenly I didn't know how to open my mouth. But I had to let her know what I was thinking. I want a divorce. I raised the topic calmly.

She didn't seem to be annoyed by my words, instead she asked me softly, why?

I avoided her question. This made her angry. She threw away the chopsticks and shouted at me, you are not a man! That night, we didn't talk to each other. She was weeping. I knew she wanted to find out what had happened to our marriage. But I could hardly give her a satisfactory answer; she had lost my heart to Jane. I didn't love her anymore. I just pitied her!

With a deep sense of guilt, I drafted a divorce agreement which stated that she could own our house, our car, and 30% stake of my company.

She glanced at it and then tore it into pieces. The woman who had spent ten years of her life with me had become a stranger. I felt sorry for her wasted time, resources and energy but I could not take back what I had said for I loved Jane so dearly. Finally she cried loudly in front of me, which was what I had expected to see. To me her cry was actually a kind of release. The idea of divorce which had obsessed me for several weeks seemed to be firmer and clearer now.

The next day, I came back home very late and found her writing something at the table. I didn't have supper but went straight to sleep and fell asleep very fast because I was tired after an eventful day with Jane.

When I woke up, she was still there at the table writing. I just did not care so I turned over and was asleep again.

In the morning she presented her divorce conditions: she didn't want anything from me, but needed a month's notice before the divorce. She requested that in that one month we both struggle to live as normal a life as possible. Her reasons were simple: our son had his exams in a month's time and she didn't want to disrupt him with our broken marriage.

This was agreeable to me. But she had something more, she asked me to recall how I had carried her into out bridal room on our wedding day.

She requested that every day for the month's duration I carry her out of our bedroom to the front door ever morning. I thought she was going crazy. Just to make our last days together bearable I accepted her odd request.

I told Jane about my wife's divorce conditions. . She laughed loudly and thought it was absurd. No matter what tricks she applies, she has to face the divorce, she said scornfully.

My wife and I hadn't had any body contact since my divorce intention was explicitly expressed. So when I carried her out on the first day, we both appeared clumsy. Our son clapped behind us, daddy is holding mommy in his arms. His words brought me a sense of pain. From the bedroom to the sitting room, then to the door, I walked over ten meters with her in my arms. She closed her eyes and said softly; don't tell our son about the divorce. I nodded, feeling somewhat upset. I put her down outside the door. She went to wait for the bus to work. I drove alone to the office.

On the second day, both of us acted much more easily. She leaned on my chest. I could smell the fragrance of her blouse. I realized that I hadn't looked at this woman carefully for a long time. I realized she was not young any more. There were fine wrinkles on her face, her hair was graying! Our marriage had taken its toll on her. For a minute I wondered what I had done to her.

On the fourth day, when I lifted her up, I felt a sense of intimacy returning. This was the woman who had given ten years of her life to me.

On the fifth and sixth day, I realized that our sense of intimacy was growing again. I didn't tell Jane about this. It became easier to carry her as the month slipped by. Perhaps the everyday workout made me stronger.

She was choosing what to wear one morning. She tried on quite a few dresses but could not find a suitable one. Then she sighed, all my dresses have grown bigger. I suddenly realized that she had grown so thin, that was the reason why I could carry her more easily.

Suddenly it hit me... she had buried so much pain and bitterness in her heart. Subconsciously I reached out and touched her head.

Our son came in at the moment and said, Dad, it's time to carry mom out. To him, seeing his father carrying his mother out had become an essential part of his life. My wife gestured to our son to come closer and hugged him tightly. I turned my face away because I was afraid I might change my mind at this last minute. I then held her in my arms, walking from the bedroom, through the sitting room, to the hallway. Her hand surrounded my neck softly and naturally. I held her body tightly; it was just like our wedding day.

But her much lighter weight made me sad. On the last day, when I held her in my arms I could hardly move a step. Our son had gone to school. I held her tightly and said, I hadn't noticed that our life lacked intimacy.

I drove to office.... jumped out of the car swiftly without locking the door. I was afraid any delay would make me change my mind...I walked upstairs. Jane opened the door and I said to her, Sorry, Jane, I do not want the divorce anymore.

She looked at me, astonished, and then touched my forehead. Do you have a fever? She said. I moved her hand off my head. Sorry, Jane, I said, I won't divorce. My marriage life was boring probably because she and I didn't value the details of our lives, not because we didn't love each other anymore. Now I realize that since I carried her into my home on our wedding day I am supposed to hold her until death do us apart.

Jane seemed to suddenly wake up. She gave me a loud slap and then slammed the door and burst into tears. I walked downstairs and drove away.

At the floral shop on the way, I ordered a bouquet of flowers for my wife. The salesgirl asked me what to write on the card. I smiled and wrote, I'll carry you out every morning until death do us apart.

That evening I arrived home, flowers in my hands, a smile on my face, I run up stairs, only to find my wife in the bed - dead.

My wife had been fighting CANCER for months and I was so busy with Jane to even notice. She knew that she would die soon and she wanted to save me from the whatever negative reaction from our son, in case we push thru with the divorce.-- At least, in the eyes of our son--- I'm a loving husband.... The small details of your lives are what really matter in a relationship. It is not the mansion, the car, property, the money in the bank. These create an environment conducive for happiness but cannot give happiness in themselves. So find time to be your spouse's friend and do those little things for each other that build intimacy. Do have a real happy marriage!

Many of life's failures are people who did not realize how close they were to success when they gave up.

A CHRIST-CENTERED MARRIAGE IS A MARRIAGE THAT IS SURE TO LAST A LIFETIME.

So then, they are no longer two but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let not man separate. Matthew 19:6

No more comment. Digest and absorb it well. Love your love until death do both of you apart.

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

Again, another heartache.

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

Sometimes life is just a bit unfair to you. You do everything, sacrifice every bit and piece of your life, walk on other's shoes. And what you get is just a heartache.

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

Lisa: The saddest part was when Dobby died...
Me : Actually I was sad for each death occured...
Lisa: I didn't feel any sadness when Voldemort died...
Me : I DID... Because I knew the book was going to finish...

Yeah I just watched HP with bf and CEE friends. I was so happy to see this movie improved a lot from the previous ones. One thing that made me sad was the fact that I would not have to wait and long for the continuation of the movies. >.<

I saw Harry, Ron, and Hermione grew up and I know it must be weird not to see them continue blooming in the future.

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

A super girlfriend... Tell me how to be the one...

P.S. Is it the one with 8 arms and each of the arms hold broom, mop, agenda, pencil, gun, frying pan, newspaper, and phone?

LOL, I am getting crazier

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

I just want
a little bit more love
because I think
these days are too dry
too arid
for my heart to bloom



U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

This year is the last year of my university life, and I don't know why, all the classmates seem more friendly than before. Some that never smiled to me started to say hi. Some that usually just said a simple hi started to approach me for a little chit-chatting. Some that always talked to me started to talk longer. And some that was so called close to me started to pull themselves closer.

I don't know, maybe they are changing, or maybe I am the one who change. The only thing I know is that I am happy for the blessings. God has given me another year in university, and this is definitely my last year in undergraduate life, and I promise I will optimize the chance You have given. I will live this senior year to the fullest, not just for studying and achieving academic satisfaction, I will also keep playing hard. I will spend the best times with bf, with my IndoCEE friends, and with myself. I will eat, I will play, I will exercise, I will enjoy this short life!!!

Sometimes I felt a bit sad for being a final year student. It's not about the assignments, quizzes, and projects, although they play a part. In near future, there will be no lecturers to be cursed, there will be no quiz questions to be discussed and cursed as well, and there will be no friends with flip-flops, tee, and shorts. What I will find are bosses, meetings, colleagues, and clients. No more professors, no more lectures, no more class mates, and no more university.

Each person in the class has a unique characteristics. Although I hardly know some of them, by seeing them in class for almost seven semesters, I can draw a line, a circle, or even a big house for all CEE students.

The nervous.
The clumsy.
The curious.
The perfectionist.
The bulliable.
The sporty.
The attention getter.
The class skipper.
The arrogant.
The silent.
The cute.
The tomboy.
The lone wolf.
...
...
...

There are too much to be mentioned one by one.

And I want to carve some memories with them also, as friends. That's why I decided to join the DnD committee. I want to create a big big event that all of us can enjoy. I want to create the last sweet memories of our undergraduate life.

I love my life.
God loves me, and He granted me my life.
I love God.



U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

And I ruined my last quiz, as well. I want to curse myself for being such an idiot.
I can just hope that I didn't mess with my exams. I should study hard starting from now on!!!

You know, I start to wonder whether I am really born to study. I just think I can't deal with the pressure of this speedy assessment.

God, please help me.

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

The first time I jogged in the afternoon. SRC looked more vibrant. People enjoyed their weekend in their own good ways: some were playing basketball, some just jogged like me, some ran soooo fast, some played badminton, and some just walked around to enjoy the twilight.

And today I ran around the soccer field 9 times. Yeah, it's sure an improvement. I thought maybe I looked at people doing the same things, I was motivated to do so. :)

I realized, Laurel is the best of the best buddy. She always want to be my company wherever and whenever I go. She never refuses and she never complains. I love her!!!

Oh yeah, I saw so many children today. Some of them just played around, ran and screamed and laughed. And some were playing kites. Yeah, their kites were fabulous: big and colorful. And I thought, I wanted to learn how to fly the kite and I would teach my kids later. I didn't want them to grow up trapped in the house just laying on the couch and playing their iphones.

I love running. I love running. I love running.
Get spirited for a new day tomorrow. :)


U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

S.a.k.i.t

s.e.p.e.r.t.i

d.i.t.u.s.u.k.t.u.s.u.k

j.a.n.t.u.n.g.k.u

i.n.i

.

M.u.n.g.k.i.n

b.e.s.o.k

t.a.k

a.k.a.n

s.a.k.i.t

l.a.g.i

s.e.b.a.b

i.a

j.a.d.i

k.e.b.a.l

d.a.n

m.a.t.i

r.a.s.a

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

HW 310 Presentation
HW 310 Homework
CV 4352 Assignment Submission
CV 4152 Quiz
CV 4901 Progress Report Submission
CV 4901 Modelling
CV 4152 Assignment Submission
TOEFL Test
CV 4902 Final Report Submission
CV 4902 Presentation Slides
CV 4902 Presentation
CV 4201 Exam
CV 4152 Exam
CV 4151 Exam
CV 4352 Exam

And maybe there are still some quizzes that need to be included inside... And some job applications that need to be submitted, plus school application procedure that I need to go through...

I hope I can survive...

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

He looked at my diagram very seriously.


He: (nod) Looks good.
Me: ...
He: Hmm, but later in your report...
Me: Ya? *getting excited of receiving comment*
He: Don't use this color. 
Me: *falling to the earth core*


OMG!!!

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

Maybe you have seen this, but let me repeat it:

It's been so long since I haven't written randomly in this blog, so here you go.

#1 Foolish
It's been coming into my mind all day long, how I have been fooled by people around. I thought about them and they hardly let me come into their considerations. I thought about their feelings so often, but they just did whatever they liked without even asking a single will-she-be-alright-if-I-do-so question. So sad. And now after they finished messing with my life, they spreading gossips about me. I have been fooled and I am definitely a fool.


#2 Mouse
My mouse is having a severe illness now. Sometimes, most of the time when bf is around, she (yes a she!) is able to wander here and there, playing with me so cheerfully. But, at other times, she is just so cold and unable to do anything. She doesn't shine! And I am really sorry for her. Maybe she will rest in peace in near future.


#3 Returning
Yeah, although I have said that I wouldn't go back during my December holiday, I will still do so. Such a big mouth, huh? Due to one thing and another, I decided not head back to Indonesia during Chinese New Year. Instead, I will have my last holiday for 14 days from 25th December 2010 to 8th January 2011. And if God permits, I wish I could go on a trip my my family during CNY period. If it's really impossible, having the first CNY with bf is not a bad idea, after all. The bad things are just no pineapple cookies, masuba, lapis legit, pempek, and hong bao.


#4 Layden
Layden is a little bit sick also. I'm afraid she will die soon also. Too many times she couldn't respond well and too many times I have been forced to unplug the cable. Oh Man, I want her to be just alright.


#5 Blank
Suddenly, I forgot what to write although deep inside I know that I still have some thoughts to share with you. So, I think this is called acute sleepiness. I need my antibiotics: sleep. So, good night!!! :):):)

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

Dua tangan, dua kaki, dua telinga, dua mata. Apakah semua itu belum cukup sehingga kau harus memiliki dua wajah?

Begitu banyak manusia di dunia, begitu banyak wajah yang harus diingat, tapi mengapa masih ada satu tubuh yang mau punya dua. Aku tak tahu harus mengingat yang mana: yang hitam kah, atau yang putih kah?

Mengapa kau suka punya dua wajah? Di depanku kau tertawa, tapi di balik punggungku kau mencerca. Lebih baik kau ludahi aku di wajah daripada kau melempar batu lalu sembunyi tangan.

Kau kira aku tak tahu dua rupamu itu? Kau salah besar, aku tahu segalanya. Tak perlu jadi Tuhan untuk tahu apa yang kau katakan tentangku di belakang. Aku yang selama ini kau bodohi pun tahu, apalagi Tuhan? Jadi, tunggulah, kawan, Tuhan akan datang dan menegurmu.

Karena aku sakit. Dikhianati. Difitnah. Ditusuk dari belakang.

Tapi aku akan bertahan. Aku akan memenangkan pertarungan ini. Karena aku berdiri dengan kakiku sendiri.

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

Recently, I watch mivo.tv quite often and suddenly, the feeling of homesick come so frequently. At one time, I imagined myself watching celebrity infotainment program at home while enjoying snacks at home. At another time, I imagined having star fruits cut by mom. And, oh, I think, that's what people call heaven. We don't need to die to feel how peaceful heaven is, we just need to say a simple thanks for the family God has blessed us. And I am so thankful that I can do so.

I miss Indonesia, I miss my family.

And these days, Indonesia has been getting into a big crisis. Flood (again) in Jakarta. Earthquake and tsunami in Mentawai. And volcano eruptions in Merapi.
I am so sorry for Indonesia. Too many troubles for such a fragile country.

Indonesia is a huge country, but it is still to young to deal with so much things. The people inside still cannot believe in their government, there are still too many controversy. Other countries still try to eat up Indonesia little by little and due to the reason stated above, no one knows how to deal with this problem. And then, mother earth seems too fed up with this country and decides to send reminders.

God, please protect Indonesia. Let it cross this bridge of troubles and it will become stronger.

I am not in Indonesia, but Indonesia is where my heaven is located. I miss Indonesia, I miss my heaven.

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

I want to witness the various places around the world, be a world traveler, make friends with many people, and set my feet on every single dot of this huge ball.

I want to learn, learn, and learn endlessly, because I believe that learning will never end as long as I am still breathing

I want to meet fireflies. Just one time.

God, please let me achieve my dreams before I die, although it means I will die right after all of them are accomplished.

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

And today, my heart was broken completely... I feel soulless...

Remain at your place, do not consider moving

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

• Woke up before 6
• Ran in the middle of the haze
• Saw an old man scolded people over and over in the MRT just because he wanted people to get up and give the priority seat to HIS BELONGINGS
• Went to various book shops to find TOEFL Test Guide Book and bought nothing
• Went to Kwan Im Temple and got pushed by an idiot middle-age woman when I was worshipping
• Walked a long long way with bf to reach Prinsep Street and find Strictly Pancake
• Had a super sinful dessert time with a shared stack of chocolate pancakes with chocolate ice cream, homemade chocolate, and strawberries
• Found that the excavation of Bras Basah MRT was sooooooo deep that maybe they kept the struts remaining intact with the wall
• Went to Vivo City and helped bf to buy a tie, polo tee, and something secret for little sister
• Discovered my wet clothes hanger when I got back room and realized the west rained so hard when I was sweating in the central
• Failed to practice the TOEFL mini test since my computer didn't respond so well and froze over and over till I wanted to cry
• Doing the copy-paste repetitively to back-up my precious files

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

Maybe I am disturbing. Maybe I am annoying. Maybe you feel that I am so lame to lecture you over and over. Maybe you think I poke my nose too much into your business. Maybe you are so tired of facing me.

But, what I do is just because I always think about you and your happiness. I don't want to see any regret on your face. I don't want to watch your heart broken. I just want to see a smile rising from your lips. That's all.

Please bear with me, because I will keep bugging you.

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

In a moment, I had an enormous tendency to continue study, I browsed universities' websites as if there were no tomorrow. But, in another glance, I was longing for a job more than anyone else. Oh, Man, I feel like standing on two speeding boats. Each one of my feet rests on different one and I may trip off at anytime.

I am a girl, I have ambitions, I have dream, I have heart, I have logic, I have fear, I want challenge, I need a leap, I long for respect, but I do have limit.

I am crossing my finger all the time.

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

Just now, I remembered watching a clip during one of my first year Effective Communication lessons. The clip showed a couple who were in a row. Both of them had great careers, and the girl was just promoted to a higher position. However, she should move to another city if she accepted the offer. The girl wanted to move and go on  the long distance relationship, but the guy didn't agree. He was pissed off since he thought he could give a good life for them by doing his job, but the girl just wanted another leap to her career.

When I watched the clip, not any further thought came into my mind. I just did some questions I need to answer based on the situation: what communication problem they were facing? what solution was the best for them? and some more analysis questions.

But today, suddenly I thought: would I face this kind of problem in my relationship?

Yes, now I wanted to move and continue my study. Both bf and I have agreed that we will put a very hard effort on our relationship if I decide to go overseas, but how about our long term plan? I don't know.

What I know now, I will come back to him, sooner or later.
What I know now, he will fight for the future with me, and so will I
What I know now, we will find our way to be together and have a huge happiness

So, Father God, please lead us to the right path. Thank You very much. I love You, Father.

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

Sometimes the right path is not the easiest one - Pocahontas

And this is the answer from God for my prayers and my questions all this long. I have been asking repetitively and He sent me the answer right in front of my eye. Yeah, through Twitter, he talked to me and He said that I should follow my heart.

I have been thinking, asking my heart, rethinking, and reasking. I still cannot find what my heart really wants, but at least, now I know, God is with me and He will be with me regardless of what path I choose.

So, I will take my sweet sweet time to think and consider, to rethink and reconsider, because this may be the jump or free-fall of my life. I think to the extreme side.

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

P.S. I am wishing for a DSLR, I hope Father Christmas will send me one, but I don't have any chimney inside my room and I haven't hung my sock. 


P.S.S. And I don't think a DSLR could fit into the sock, anyway.


P.S.S.S. Actually I also need a new wallet and a new handbag. Mine are worn out.


P.S.S.S.S. I also think about a pair of ankle boots, to be honest


P.S.S.S.S.S. And I don't think Father Christmas exists. So, oh, hell.

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

Today is the birthday of my another blog.
Happy birthday!!!

Today is my first quiz of the semester.
I hope I can score well and get a good grade for this subject. I know I studied reluctantly in the past few days, but I really hope for the best. Jia you, Fen! Jia you!

Today I watched Spongebob and see this:

I hope today is also my best day ever!!!

Have a nice day~~~

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

I am:

• waiting for bf to come and have lunch together at that s*k* Canteen 2 
• lazy to continue studying Structure 3 for my quiz tomorrow 
• still in the dilemma of continuing the degree or getting a job and building a life in Singapore 
• in the middle of books and papers piling on my desk and bed 
• searching papers an books relevant to my FYP 

I will:

• accompany bf to Jurong Point since he desperately wants to change phone
• meet my parents on next Wednesday and Thursday before they depart to China
• visit the Education Fair in Hilton Hotel Singapore
• pray pray pray for my future
• be busy with so many works during recess: FYP, ID, proffcomm, Steel, Excavation, etc, etc, etc

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

I think God is testing my bravery now.

During my 3-year study, I have missed so many things that I could have fun with. I missed working part-time for extra allowance; I missed getting to know NUS by not applying SUSEP; I missed the chance to get to know other countries, either by GIP, GSS, INSTEP, or even Work and Travel; I missed the feel of EURECA by not scoring good enough during my 1st and 2nd year; I missed this and that. I missed a lot of things and I hate that.

When I look back even further, I saw even more things that I've missed out. I missed so many chances to jump, to soar, to fly, and I am so sad. I missed the chance to get into NUS since the stupid post service lost my bank draft; I missed so many writing competitions that I wanted to join; I missed the opportunity to learn violin since my mom just didn't allow; I missed this and that. I missed so many things. Oh, Gosh.

And now, when suddenly, the thought of pursuing further degree overseas struct me like thunder, I can't decide what to do. Should I find a university and apply for a scholarship? Or should I just try my luck in Singapore?

Will I dedicate myself to the tedious application procedure? Can I adapt with the new life later?

DO I DARE TO TAKE THE RISK??????

And I really don't know the answer. I am lost. And I am lost. And I am lost.
I don't know what to decide.


U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

And the questions really shocked me. It indicated a slight refusal and an implicit challenge. I never expected to get those shots, thus I started to feel very worry. I couldn't sleep well, I kept thinking, and I knew I could do nothing except sending the prayers over and over to The Almighty God.

She was trying to ask me to consider my decision. I know she always wants the best for me, and now, the fact that she speaks out makes me dizzy. What should I do? Does she really know what is the best for me? Did I walk in the right way?

Ow, crap.

The decision is not not in my hand, the burden is not on my shoulder, the fate is not within my capability. All are under your responsibility.

Do whatever your heart tell you to do, and I will still be here, hoping for the best future to greet, until the time permits the answer to be revealed.

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

Each day, I grow a day older
Each day, I come to death nearer
Each day, I step my feet further
Each day, oh, each day, I attempt to be better

Lots of days, lots of nights
Lots of happiness, lots of sadness
Lots of days, lots of nights
Lots of laughters, lots of curses
Lots of days, lots of nights
Lots of hope, lots of dissatisfaction
Lots of days, oh lots of days

Lots of days I think, the remaining I rethink
Lots of nights I dream, the remaining I redream
Lots of days and lots of nights, the imagination goes wild
Lots of days and lots of nights, at the corner I just cry

The clock keeps ticktocking, like going to tease me
Oh, I keep running, why are you still there and doing rubbish?
The sun rises and sets endlessly, like trying to message me
Hey, this bright and dark keep changing, why don't you do so?
The people pass by, like feeling to tell me
You keep that pace, and I will reach the moon when you get to the shore

Oh how I want myself to change
To be mature by hearts
To be good girl in town

And when the future greets
I want to draw my smile
From ear to ear
Bigger
Better
Than anyone else
And I will be the prettiest girl in the universe
Because, my beauty comes from my heart

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

My life is getting messier: sleep at 3, wake up at 5, lunch at 3...

I wonder how my mom will scold me if she knows what the heck I am doing here...

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

I want to block my brain, I want to stop thinking, I want to give up expecting. I keep saying, but I just cannot stop doing so. I am such a loser.

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

Is it okay to be optimistic? Or I need to control the gap between earth and dream more tightly? Maybe it's still too early to dream, maybe it's not good to dream to much, maybe watch out the reality is more important. I am just confused.
LOL.

And the pressure drives my blog crazy. I need a space to talk nonsense, and voila, this is the perfect place!!!

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

I want to be that kind of girl who can have anything she wants. To be honest, I am jealous to those who can pick this and that without even looking at the price tag. I want to be part of them, having more than enough bags and shoes to be mix-matched with the red-blue-pink-purple-black-white-orange-yellow-brown-or-even-flowery dresses that grow exponentially. But I know, I can't, not just because my father may not afford that kind of life style, it's also because I myself will not have the courage to spend that much money. I have been seeing my father work in sweat, tears, and even blood to feed all the family, and I can't spend the money just for satisfying my thirst of new up to date branded stuffs. I just cannot.

But, really, the jealousy can't just go away. I still want to be one of the princesses. When I want a bag, I just rush into LV and choose one. When I think about nice food, I just walk to Fullerton and the waiters will serve me like there's no one else in the world. When I am stressed out and feel like having a getaway, the private jet of my father will just fetch me and bring me to Hawaii. Oh, how nice the world will be.

And, I swear, I will work hard to achieve the level!!!
Ganbatte!!!

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

Kekecewaan seringkali datang menghampiri. Terlalu sering aku mengucapkan apa yang seharusnya tak aku katakan, dan setelah aku mengatakannya, aku menyesal. Aku harus lebih banyak berpikir sebelum bertindak, more mindful, more thoughtful.

Aku butuh mesin waktu, walau kutahu tak akan ada sesuatu yang disebut mesin waktu itu. Aku ingin memperbaiki kesalahanku, tapi tak ada cara kembali ke titik itu. Hanya satu yang bisa aku lakukan: be more mindful, more thoughtful.

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

When the sadness came, when the disappointment visited, when problems greeted, when everything went to a mess.
I let the tears roll down, but I insisted to keep the bubble inside. Nope, the bubble forced to stay, and it's choking me all the way.

I always wonder why life is unfair. The rich and the poor, the beauty and the ugly, the smart and the dummy. And why some need to face problems endlessly? I thought being a good human can prevent those evil to stay near, but in fact, it's nonsense. Some good humans, good people, good siblings, good relatives, good friends, and good students are still chained by too many problems for them to handle.

I am hoping for the strength, for me, for those who have tied the knot with endless problems. I am hoping for a way out of this chaos.

Yeah, I am talking nonsense.

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

What I need is to shut my mouth and keep walking till my feet can't support...

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

How I wish I could get away from my routines.

Sigh.
It's just the fifth week, but I am already so exhausted. I want a break, I want some happy time, I want some new stuffs, I want to eat!!!

Yeah, I want to eat!


U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

Without my realization, hall office has fixed my window handle. I just found it this morning.
And just now I thought, without my realization also, God will fix all my problems. I shouldn't grumble and complain since God is always with me.


If I could believe, so should you!!!
Let's be faithful!!!

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

When he thinks that your opinion is not worth to consider...

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

I hope the dean's lists e-mail will be sent to me
I hope I have enough spirit to start working on my FYP
I hope I will have no problems with my future ID and prof-comm groups
I hope I am able to focus on my study this final year
I hope I can get a full GPA
I hope brother will have an enjoyable trip next week
I hope the election committee members will work well
I hope the ECA Fair will go on smoothly
I hope the rally and election will go on even smoother
I hope 19th management committee will do their last job for AGM very well
I hope mom and dad will come to visit me in October
I hope I can go back longer during my January holiday
I hope all the best for me and everyone else

I hope all beings get their happiness
Sabbe satta bhavantu sukhitatta

Sadhu, sadhu, sadhu

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

When you are waiting for your birthday whole-heartedly, but you know no one is going to say a happy birthday to you, the birthday is not a birthday anymore...

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

Ampuni aku karena meninggalkan blog ini selama sebulan. Aku terlalu tenggelam dalam kehidupan nyataku dan melupakan dunia yang maya ini, maafkan aku.

Kini, kembali aku harus menjalani kehidupan seorang diri di negeri orang: tidur sendiri, bangun sendiri, mencuci sendiri, menyetrika sendiri, menyapu dan mengepel sendiri, makan sendiri, ini sendiri dan itu sendiri. Semua serba sendiri, tanpa orang tua yang selalu menjadi tangan ketiga di saat kedua tanganku tak mampu lagi melakukan pekerjaannya.

30 Agustus 2010, hari pertama dimulainya semester baru, semester tujuh. Aku bahagia bisa sampai di titik ini dan aku bersyukur untuk kesempatan yang diberikan kepadaku. Namun, dengan sifat manusiaku yang tak bisa puas, aku merasa liburanku belum cukup panjang. Liburanku kali ini benar-benar sangat berkesan dan aku tak akan pernah bisa merasa puas. Dimulai dengan perjalanan panjang berkeliling Jawa bersama keluargaku, diisi dengan canda tawa tak berkesudahan dengan sahabat-sahabat baikku, diwarnai dengan beraneka macam makanan yang tak bisa kutemukan di Singapore, dibumbui dengan cinta yang tak berkesudahan dari pacar dan keluargaku, aku menemukan surgaku.

Dan kini, kembali aku ke realita, duduk di depan layar komputerku, menanti detik demi detik berganti hingga aku harus memulai kelas pertamaku di semester ini. Dan kini, kembali aku ke realita di mana aku akan terus-terusan merindukan rumahku, papa mamaku, adikku, Lisa, Valen, Renni, Dya, dan segala hal yang berbau kota kelahiranku. Bagaimana pun bagusnya Singapore, hatiku tetap menomorsatukan Palembang, aku tak bohong.

Semester ini adalah saat bagiku untuk memulai mengerjakan skripsi. Ditambah 17 SKS yang sepertinya tak bisa dibilang ringan, aku harap Tuhan memberiku kekuatan ekstra untuk mendapatkan hasil yang terbaik. Sebelumnya, aku harus mensukseskan Union Day and CEE Club AGM.

Semester 7, rock it!!!!!!!!!

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

Now my tears are flowing down like a river. I can't block the sad feeling of letting my brother go out of this town for his future. Just several hours ago I sent him off to the airport. My mom accompanied him for a few days before heading back to Palembang.

And really, this house feels very different without him and my mom along. This house is so lonely that I'm gonna die. It's so quiet, so quiet.

Without my realization, my little brother has become a young man. I still can remember how we usually fought during our childhood: I ate the piece of cake that he wanted, he sat on the front seat in the car that I wanted, he grabbed my stuffs, etc, etc. I also still can remember how he used to cry over a very unimportant things, how he used to leave his school bag behind when he went to school, how he held the pencil for the first time, and how bad his teeth were.

It's just like a glance but actually it's almost twenty years.

He's going to university now. I am glad, really glad, for him but I am sure I will miss his presence in this house. And perhaps, this house will miss him, too.

For the remaining one month of my holiday, I will miss my one and only brother. I will have no one to sing along together in the car, I will lose my mate to go to the gym, I will have no one to compete using the bathroom first, I will have no one to message me during vihara time, I will have no one asking my mom to buy so many foods to stock at home, I will lose the one who picked me up when I was playing around with my friends, I will miss him for sure.

We share the past, but you and I will walk on the path of our future alone. I wish you a huge good luck. See you next month when you visit Singapore.

I love you to the infinity!!!

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

Flying flying high and then falling falling down.

Siang malam silih berganti
Bulan terus berputar kelilingi bumi
Bakung tumbuh berbunga lalu mati
Dan dirinya berubah hari demi hari

Cinta yang dulu terucap dalam 9 tangkai mawar
Kini tak ubah biola tak bersenar

Tak ada lagi kata cinta terucap
Tak ada lagi manis manja dapat dikecap
Hanya hatiku terus berharap
Agar gema cinta itu terus berderap

Hanya mulutku terus bergumam
Agar setiap harinya ia mencintaiku lebih dari 24 jam

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

10.27AM
Today is my last day of work. I am so sad, yes. I feel so reluctant to leave, yes. I love being here, yes. I like people here, yes. But, I know I gotta go, of course.

On the first few weeks, I admit, I felt like finishing this internship fast. I wanted time to fly, fly, fly and bring me to 11th June as soon as possible. Today is 11th June, but I don't feel too much happiness. I know I have waited this day since the first time, but today I want to rewind this beautiful journey.

Today I felt so reluctant to wake up, to dress up, to catch the bus and train, and to walk towards this office because I know later I need to make my last step in this path and enter another gate of a new chapter. And this is really the last day. I should be strong and leave this company with a big smile. I know it's hard, but I should.

They said I could come back here if I want. Maybe I will come back after my graduation, but there will be a main difference in everything: my status. Now I am an intern, and later I will be an employee. Everything will be different, I am 100% sure. But time passes and people change, so I should accept that this internship experience can only be felt once in a life time. And I am grateful. :)

I have given the bookmarks I created for my team people and I hope they find it useful for them. I want to, at least, fill a page in their lifes and maybe they can bookmark the page with the one I provide. :)

2.50PM
I am in the finishing line of my last work in this company. I was happy to clear this job before I left. I was happy to help SJ. I will close this chapter with a hardwork.

I really love my colleagues here. They are kind and sweet, just like cotton candy. When you eat cotton candy, the sweetness will melt in your tounge and now when I feel their kindness, the sweetness of them melt in my heart. I will remember this internship for the rest of my life, for sure.

3.49PM
In less than 2 hours, my e-mail address will be deleted, my staff pass will be taken, and I will officially leave this company. I hate this damn slow computer, but now I am sure I will miss it.

4.21PM
Now my heart has released the tense. I have been calm enough to handle this farewell. I will leave this company with a big smile. Maybe I will not come back, but maybe I will. God will lead me through the best way, I am sure.

4.57PM
I am sending those thank you e-mails to my colleagues. I really mean every words written there.

5.01PM
I am gonna end it now. With a SMILE.

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

Is Singapore a stressful country?
And I guess the answer is a BIG YES!

This morning, for the 3rd time, I saw people talking alone in the train.

The first one was inside the EWL train, this old man talked in dialects alone, but he acted as if there's someone besides him. He talked over and over to this 'imaginary friend' and sometimes he stopped to listen to what his 'friend' was talking to him. At first I thought he was calling someone but I saw his two hands were too free to gesture. And I was scared.

The second one was inside the same train at different time. A lady, maybe in late 20 or early 30, was singing alone with full expression and a bit dancing. This one was not that obvious, actually, but she stood in front of me. That's why I could notice every single thing she was doing that time. I thought she was going to an audition or something since her dress was quite catchy, but who knows?

And the third one was again inside EWL train. I didn't realize it before I saw a lady besides me looked at the right direction. This man was talking very loud to be heard clearly by the whole compartment as if he was giving some kind of orations or sermons. He gestured, he tried to make eye contact, he walked around, he sighed. I was too curious not to look at him, but my bad luck, he caught my eyesight and smiled to me. I just turned my face away and pretended not to see.

After alighting at Lavender, I was thinking of the motive behind those behaviours. Were they upset? Did they fail on to something they dreamt the most? Weren't their relatives and friends around to care for them? Were they too perfectionist?

I guess Singapore is just a little dot with too high pressure. The load imposed to this place is too big compared to the area resulting in a high pressure.

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

I always thought that I was so lucky to be attached to this company. Nothing to regret, that's what I told myslef. I learnt a lot, I met super nice colleagues, I got a good working environment, I enjoyed every moment.



U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

Welcome, June!
Summer has come although Rain still pay some visits very often. Soon, it is going to be the halfway of the revolution of the earth against the sun. Soon, it is going to be another holiday. Soon, it is going to be another semester. Soon, it is going to be another new year. And soon, yeah, very soon, it is going to be the future.

And my future is sure determined by my past and present, chapter by chapter of my book: how I struggled to reach this place, how I pushed myself to be accepted inside my new environment, how I made myself contribute to the school and company I am attached, how I choose my final year project, how I select my specialization, how I get through all these four years. I am sure that God counts every drop of sweat, tear, and blood of mine in this war. I have lost so much but God will give me even more. :) :) :)

There were times I felt like surrendering and giving up all the way. I really thought to stop all the effort I have been putting. Sometimes I felt that my brain capacity wasn't enough of dealing with this place. Sometimes I felt that no one understood and it's better for me to go back home. Sometimes I just felt lacking of true friends. Sometimes I was sick of the everlasting competitions. Sometimes it was nothing but the thought of quitting school.

But there were always some ways for me to get my spirit back. Mom. Bf. My best friends. My dreams of future. Even my enemy.

This half year really takes a big part in shaping my future for sure. I learnt a lot from my two and half year study in NTU, but I learnt more during my half year internship in AECOM Singapore. I am grateful. Really really grateful.

And I have almost finished my chapter in this company. Another chapter will come to me very soon: the senior year. I will not spend my last year with singing and dancing like those High School Musical casts were doing, but I will sure enjoy my final chapter in my undergraduate life. Maybe sometimes I will cry, maybe sometimes I will fall, but I am sure that I will find a happy ending. :)

The new chapter is standing in front of my doorstep now, waiting for me to open the door and let it in. The Final Year Project list has been released yesterday. The course planner will be opened on 10th June. The deadline for choosing FYP will be 23 days from now and the course registration will be done before the end of the month. The FYP allocation result will be announced on late August, as well as the new term starts. And by that time, I will be tasting the first sip of my final year.

But before that, let me close this chapter with a wonderful ending.
I love my life.
J'aime ma vie!

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

People say that God only gave one mouth for humans so that we can read more, listen to surroundings more, and help more.

But now, I understand. Even with only one mouth, people tend to misuse it and create trouble. What will the world be like with two mouths in each person? Double trouble? Haha.

My mom always taught me to think before talking, not to offend people with my words, and never throw any unpolite words from my mouth. Yeah, sometimes I was out of the boundary and said something that I regretted later. But, I really put my best effort not to hurt others by my mouth since I believe that I will get my karma if I do so.

And today, I think I got my karma for the n-th time. Another series of words hit me and another hard feeling came out as the result. I don't know whether I am the one who is too sensitive or some people just really couldn't hold their mouth.

I know I shouldn't ruin my amazing journey, that's why I chose not to throw my tantrum and keep quiet to let my heart cool down. I convinced myself that I didn't need the apology to forgive the person. It will just waste my precious energy to wait for an apology from a person that doesn't even know how to control his/her own tounge. I will just let any tantrum to evaporate and be absorbed by the thin air in the sky. I will forgive the person, but I will not forget today.

Thanks to bf whom I reached as soon as I reached my computer. Even without his words, I felt lot of relief by telling him what I felt. He told me not to let this small thing distract me. People are just envy you, that's what he said. I know it wasn't true. But at least I felt more secure. Thanks, Dear!

And a huge thanks for a friend! I owe her. She noticed me and I was so touched when she asked me what happened. I almost cried in front of my computer. Haha. She told me to forgive like people forgive me and of course, like God always forgive my sin. And then, He will praise me as magnanimous. :) :) :)

Btw, magnanimous is completely new vocabulary for me. Double thanks!!!

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

"And Shrek kissed the princess. Finally they lived happily EVER AFTER!"

I have watched the final chapter of Shrek's life until he really found his happily-ever-after-ending. And I should say, it has satisfied me. The story told us about Shrek who suddenly felt that he wasn't an ogre anymore. No one was afraid of him and he felt like getting back to the time when people still thought he was so scary. He finally threw his temper during his children first birthday party in FarFarAway Land.

Then he met Rumpel, a magic deal maker and they agreed to changed one day from Shrek's past with a day when Shrek was still a monster. Then, to his surprise, Rumpel took the day when Shrek was born. So, he wasn't exist anymore. No people knew him, even Donkey and Fiona. And Fiona in this another world was so different with Fiona that Shrek got married with. He struggled from the scratch to make Fiona fall in love with him and give him a true love's kiss. That's the only way to get away from the agreement.

And he, without his realization, fell in love once more with Fiona.

Guess I have spoilt part of the fun. So, do watch it to complete the other half! :P

One of my friends said in a quite sarcastic tone that inspite of the visual technology, Shrek offered nothing. And I totally very very disagree!

Let's try to see deeper and realize that cartoons actually give us moral messages as much as any other movies. The thing is just the childish packaging. They just make it suitable for kids and pack it in a fully funny and entertaining way. And some people have the mindset that cartoons are just for kids with napkins and diapers.

But for me, there's no 'TOO OLD' for cartoons.

And, what did Shrek teach us, by the way?

#1 Your prince charming doesn't need to be physically 'charming'
~FeN~