aLL 'BouT 'Fe-Ar'

Two Zero One Two, a fruitful year indeed.

I never realize that dates keep passing and bring me to the end of the year in a glance. I can still remember how I spent my new year eve last year. I am so grateful that another year is coming and I hope it brings me more joy, more blessing, more smile.

I have gone through another year, I have become older by one year. This year journey is really a good one. With a lot of ups and downs, I wish I am wiser now.

Lesson 1
I learned that people were wearing their masks all the time, but the masks would sure be broken one time and I would get a chance to see the true colors. I should not be to naive to believe in people so easily and let them trap me in their spider web.

Lesson 2
You can't have ideal condition as what you wish. There is no such a thing as isolated environment. Everything is contributing to the causes and effects. There is no ideal boss, ideal colleagues, ideal boyfriend. All are purely one's expectation. So, perseverance is the key.

Lesson 3
Sometimes life push, pull, and twist you but you must still move on. I got a lot of stress throughout the year but I was finally here. One piece, as a whole.

Lesson 4
Friends are those who stay by you no matter what shape you are in. I have friends that value me, accept me for everything I am, and I am grateful for that. I am grateful for the technology that bring those far far away friends nearer to my heart.

Lesson 5
People may or may not see your hard work, but your heart knows everything. Therefore, keep performing the best and put your biggest effort for every single thing you do. You will fill the joyous bubbles when your heart rewards you for your hard works.

Lesson 6
Nobody in this world is up to no good. You are the one who should make your presence felt!

Earlier this year, I was so high tempered. I threw tantrum easily, I cried like a leaked pipe, I expected so much from everybody, I wanted everything to flow as what I wanted. Fortunately, I managed to control my expectation and got myself more calm. And surprisingly, I am much happier now.

Until mid of the year, I rarely exercise. I decided to change my lifestyle afterwards. Now I am a different girl with a healthy lifestyle.

Throughout this year, I learned a lot about my job. Sometimes I looked back and compare myself with Febrina a year ago and I could find so much difference. I am more into my job now, I have more understanding, and I dare to speak up more. I am so grateful that I had a chance to witness factory acceptance test of my tunnel boring machine and got priceless experience. I am grateful.

Now this is the time for me to think about my future. I am still in the dark. I don't know what I want and I don't know whether I am heading to the right direction. I need a compass.

Thanks Two Zero One Two! Thanks for equipping me with so many things inside my rucksack. I will continue my journey and meet your siblings out there. You will always be remembered and never forgotten.

Merci beaucoup!

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

I'm wondering and keep wondering, is there any reason for me to feel the dissapointment, the frustration?

Life has given me you but life has taken you out of my life. I feel the distance although we are walking side by side.

No words, no gestures, nothing. All I can feel is the emptiness. It's like a cup that has been drunken until the last drop. Only air is left inside, it's empty.

I feel like I keep trying to fill this empty cup but the water keeps spilling and I end up clearing the mess instead of filling the cup.

Maybe the cup is broken, maybe not.
Maybe the table is not stable, maybe not.
Maybe you just refuse to have a full cup, maybe not.

I don't know.

I've been happy with the cup, whether it's full or empty. But I guess we will be happier if we fill up the cup, drink it to the bottom of our heart and refill it again. We can drink until we are drunk with each other's love.

I know we can, it's just whether we are willing to.

I miss the old time, Baby.

I wish you miss it, too

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

Her brain is like rojak, she mixed everything up...

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

It's nice to know that you are missed.

On the footnote, I have 383 mails to clear.

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

Being together with someone for so long indeed makes us complacent and taking things for granted. We end up transforming the love and passion into daily routine and some sort of obligation. The feeling we have is still the same, but what we pursue to express the love is different. We assume the other party already understand the feeling and no more proof shall be shown. We are human, we are indeed human. We tend to jump to the conclusion ourselves.

Today will never be too late to say I love you to your loved one and show him/her that you care. Today will never be too late.

And tomorrow, tell yourself again, today will never be too late.

Yes, never. Today will never be too late.

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

It's October!

And today marks the exact 16 months of my working life in this company. So many things have happened throughout this short period of time: I learn new things, I know more people, I get new experience. So many emotions I have felt as well throughout these months: happiness, satisfaction, bonding, love, anger, disappointment, frustration, stress, everything. However, I am thankful for this learning opportunity. I am blessed.

There were times when I found myself standing in the middle of nowhere heading nowhere and aiming nothing. I was just lost in space, in time, in everything. Being bored down with all the paperwork, routine, and meetings, as well as being tied up with the hectic working hours, I really felt that this was not what I wanted. Getting no such appreciation but more demands and critiques made me feel like resigning even more.

But, when I thought back, "What is my reason being here?", I realized that I had yet to achieve what I wanted to see and experience. And most importantly, I have not been seen. I am still drowning (or someone drowns me) and rolling in the deep sea. So, I should make my way up there and show everyone my capacity. I am not just a little girl that they can underestimate or bully. I am a very huge girl, deep in my mind and deep in my heart.

I realize that people may not think I am capable in doing certain things due to my age and my minimum experience in this line, but this motivates me to show them that the willingness to learn can beat everything. I am a learner and only a learner can walk on the path regardless of the obstacles.

So, I agree (and I assume you agree) that this is not my time to move on yet. I still have some tasks to do before I can decide what I really want for my future. School? Design firm? Contractor? Another line of job? Who knows?

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

Mom: Kalo emang ga hepi sama kerjaan yang sekarang, cari kerjaan baru la, pindah... Daripada kamu stress...
Me: Nantilah, mau tahanin dulu...
Mom: Tapi kalaupun udah pindah ke tempat baru belum tentu bisa dapet lebih baik dari yang sekarang...
Me: Makanya... Udah la, enakan pulang rumah aja, belajar masak terus ikut audisi MasterChef tahun depan...
Mom: Gaya kamu, masak telor setengah mateng aja belum tentu bisa...
Me: *jleb*

Mom never fails to cheer me up!!!!

Love you!

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

I have a friend. She was attached for 3 days before breaking up with her boyfriend.

I have another friend. She worked for 2 days before she resigned and joined other company.

I have one more friend. He joined this company out of curiosity, managed to bear with it for one month, and quit.

I wonder whether it is so easy to walk away.

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

This is definitely not what I want, but it turns out this way.

I can't guess what is there in front since my future is still wrapped nicely in that box.

I just want to fix this thing, I just want to be sure that you are waiting for me inside that box.

Can I be assured?

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

I have three friends that are closest to me right now. Thanks a lot to smart phones and Whats App that bring us together. There are no days without chatting with them and they are one of the reasons for me to survive. We can talk about anything, from the works, friends, habits, life difficulties, achievement, high school memories, new crush, and any other thing. We usually give advice to each other, show the third-party perspective, and help each other in making decision.

One time, I so hated this person and we got this person a nickname: boss sok besar. The other time, my friend was telling a bit of her interest towards this guy, and this guy suddenly had a code name: Agak-Agak. There were still so many funny names we created. I did not think people will understand what we talked about if they scrolled up the pages and read everything. :D

We can talk about anything, but what we talk about is mostly about work. I am working in a big company with complicated hierarchical system and politics. My two other friends are working in a small enterprise with  stingy boss and crazy working hours. There is one more who just quit from her job and is going to enter a very well-known company in Indonesia. We had different working background, we had different offices, we had different bosses, we had different system and working hours, but we shared the same story: unhappiness about work.

Monday will be the most unhappy day, Friday will be the most cheerful day, Saturday and Sunday will be very quiet because we are all busy with our own thing.

It's a funny relationship that we have. I love them all. Thanks for filling my life, Jesi, Valen, and Wewe! Yeeehaaaa~~~

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

In the operating room, when I was about to get my head stitches
Me: *worried* Will you cut my hair?
Doctor: Do you think I am a barber?
Me: ...

Almost 11pm, when I was seeing my dentist
Nurse: Doc, X is coming now.
Doctor: What? What time is this now? Does she think I am a midnight sale?
Nurse: *speechless*

My sis-in-law was turning on the TV in his car
Niece: (to my dad) Yi gong, yi gong, ini film Harry Kotor. 
All: *burst out laughing*

Sometimes to think about funny and happy time can make you smile, even in your worst condition.

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

I heard a news from my friend who is going to leave Singapore and head back to his hometown. He is leaving for good. He told me that he did not feel any good thing about working here: it's monotonous, it's stressful, it's demanding. He told me that he did not have the passion to work here anymore. His heart is there, at home. He did not have any plan for the future, but he would just help out his parents' business while waiting for the right time to move on.

Am I going to move back to Palembang?

Sometimes I think about it. To be at home is the best thing that can happen. Being with my family, doing what I like, starting up my own company may be ideal. But, what about everything here? What about 1-year contribution to this company? What about 1-year hard work on FYP? What about 4-year struggle in CEE? What about another 1-year of study before the entrance examination? What about my dream? What about people I care about?

I think I need some time to reflect, to meditate, and find my vision. I did not have any now.

I need enlightenment.

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

Night is still so young. I am wondering whether this is my call to be here. Everything seems so smooth here: waking up at 6:30, getting out of the house at 7:30, reaching the office at 8:30, having lunch at 12:00, attending daily meeting at 17:00, knocking off from office at 18:00, going to the gym afterwards, having dinner, and reaching back home at 21:00. Everything is so smooth yet BOOOOORING.

Deep in my heart, I want something new, I want something challenging. But, the guts I have are not that big for me to step out of this comfort zone. To say I am comfortable with my life now is wrong, but it is still my comfort zone. My feet have already recognized the path, my brain have already been so familiar with the routines.

I am thinking of so many things. I want to study. I want to change job. I want to quit and be my own boss. I want to take a long holiday. I want to learn cooking. I want to change my identity and start a brand new life. Ooops.

I feel like standing in front of so many rooms in a circular room. I don't know what is behind, yet I shall choose one room only and once I enter the room, I will not have a chance to turn back. My choice may be right or wrong. I may lose what I have now, I may gain another thing.

I am confused.

I


feel


like


...


asking for Doraemon's help

Shit.

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

Sometimes I feel like a shooting star, reaching all the way to the endless sky
None can reach me, nothing can stop me

At the other time, I feel like a meteorite, speeding towards the earth and clashing with the rocks
None can help me, nothing can cure me

Life, yeah, it is life

Finding what I want, who I care for, when to execute my plan, where to go, and how to make dreams come true are sure an endless journey

Till I close my eyes

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

I've known him since I was 15. I've been his good friend since I was 18. I went out with him since I was 19. And now I am 22.

Three years have passed! And it's another time to say, "Happy Anniversary, Baby!"

For all the laughter, all the tears... For all the joy, all the sadness... For all the quarrels, all the embraces... For all the smooth-sailing, all the rocky roads... For all the way these three years, I thank God, I thank the universe, I thank you...

There are so many things ahead of us, that we need to face... I believe we will walk hand in hand until the end of the world...

Do you remember that you said one lifetime would never be enough, and you wanted nine instead?

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

Cita-cita. Jika bicara tentang cita-cita, saya punya banyak sekali cita-cita. Sejak masih duduk di bangku sekolah dasar, saya punya cita-cita dan sampai hari ini, jumlah cita-cita saya jadi semakin banyak, tapi tak ada satu pun yang jadi nyata. Cita-cita saya hanya seperti domba yang anak-anak imajikan menjelang tidur mereka: maya dan terlupakan.

Sejak kecil, saya suka menulis. Apalagi ketika guru-guru memilih saya untuk berpartisipasi dalam Lomba Bahasa Indonesia dan melatih teknik menulis saya, saya menemukan kecintaan saya yang besar dalam bidang ini. Dan saya punya cita-cita untuk jadi penulis.

Masih saat sekolah dasar, saya ingin jadi seorang arsitek. Entah apa gerangan yang saya pikirkan dulu, tapi cita-cita ini bertahan cukup lama. Hingga masa-masa jelang kuliah, saya masih menjadikan arsitektur sebagai salah satu pilihan utama untuk jurusan saya. Saya senang mengimajinasikan rumah yang indah, saya senang corat-coret bentuk rumah, saya senang membayangkan detail-detail rumah saya di masa yang akan datang.

Cita-cita penulis saya kembali merekah ketika saya berseragam putih-biru. Walaupun saya masuk ke kelas akselerasi dengan saingan-saingan yang tergolong berat, saya menulis banyak sekali puisi dan cerita pendek. Saya juga dilibatkan oleh guru saya dalam menulis artikel di majalah sekolah. Dan hobi menulis ini berlanjut hingga saya masuk SMA. Saya punya satu folder yang isinya adalah puisi-puisi dan cerpen-cerpen saya. Folder ini sering sekali digilir oleh teman-teman untuk dibaca. Saya juga pernah menulis sebuah novel (dengan tangan) di sebuah buku. Novel ini digilir juga, lalu hilang tak tentu rimbanya. Di lain waktu, saya mengikutsertakan satu novel saya dalam sebuah lomba dan tentu saja, tidak menang. :P

Juga saat saya masih SMA, dalam rangka mengusung cita-cita saya untuk menjadi penulis, saya ingin menjadi jurnalis. Saya sempat bersikeras untuk mengambil jurusan sastra bahasa untuk kuliah saya. Namun, orang tua saya menentang. Mereka tidak mengizinkan saya untuk menjadi reporter dikarenakan alasan keamanan dan jam kerja yang tak tentu. Saya mengalah.

Lalu, entah ini desire atau bukan, saya melanjutkan studi saya di bidang teknik. Teknik sipil. Ya, teknik sipil adalah pendukung arsitektur. Mungkin awalnya ini hanya sebuah pelarian. Namun, seperti kata orang-orang, tak kenal maka tak sayang. Lambat laun, seiring dengan hari-hari yang saya jalani, saya mulai jatuh ke dalam pelukan si teknik sipil. Dan saya kini punya hasrat yang kuat untuk mendalami dan menyusuri bidang ini dengan melanjutkan kuliah saya. Di akhir cerita, saya punya cita-cita untuk menjadi seorang Engineer yang expert dan bisa berkontribusi untuk pembangunan dunia.

Sayangnya, sisi lain dari diri saya berkata lain. Berdasarkan hobi saya dalam memberi ide, mengorganisir, dan menyusun acara-acara dan berdasarkan pengalaman saya selama sekolah dan kuliah, saya bercita-cita untuk melepaskan karier Engineering saya dan banting setir menjadi seorang Event Organizer. Saya memikirkan opsi ini dengan cukup serius karena saya yakin nantinya saya akan butuh jam kerja yang fleksibel untuk mengurus keluarga saya di masa yang akan datang.

Seperti apa yang saya katakan di awal, cita-cita saya tak ubahnya domba yang anak-anak imajikan menjelang tidur, tak ada satu pun yang jadi nyata. Saya merasa gagal.

Saya bisa bermimpi jadi apa pun, tapi untuk mengeksekusi mimpi saya, saya belum punya keberanian yang cukup. Saya masih seorang pecundang.

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

The clock never stop ticking
Over the time with the same rhyme
Sometimes I am thinking
Being here do I waste my time

Life granted me so much
Too much that it's hard to taste
I'm so full as such
I can't even move and race

The world moves
The earth rotates
I am in a groove
Everything pulls me like magnets

I am stuck
Nowhere to run
Without any luck
I am just an empty gun

I dance with the moon
For too long I forget the time
Shall I leave this ball soon
Else the cart will leave me just in time

I shall make a move I shall make a step
To the stars above to the glory after the bend
I will climb to the height I will dive to the depth
The shine and the light will be mine in the end


U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

Enam puluh tujuh tahun telah berlalu sejak Ir. Soekarno membacakan sajak proklamasi dan mengumandangkan kemerdekaan Negara Kesatuan Republik Indonesia. Enam puluh tujuh tahun telah berlalu dan foto-foto hitam putih telah berubah menjadi gambar-gambar bergerak dan bersuara. Enam puluh tujuh tahun telah berlalu dan wajah yang terpampang di kanan dan kiri Sang Garuda telah berganti lebih dari sepuluh kali. Enam puluh tujuh tahun telah berlalu dan rumah-rumah beratap rendah telah menjelma menjadi struktur-struktur yang menggapai langit.

Enam puluh tujuh tahun telah berlalu.

Banyak yang berubah.

Terlalu banyak.

Kekeluargaan yang dulu dijunjung tinggi sebagai salah satu budaya Indonesia kini telah terkikis egoisme dan individualisme. Tak banyak lagi yang menggenggam kekeluargaan, empati, dan simpati dalam langkah mereka. Semua hanya memikirkan diri sendiri, diri sendiri, dan diri sendiri.

Zamrud khatulistiwa dibangun dari berbagai suku, agama, dan ras. Perjuangan rakyat tak hanya datang dari golongan atau suku tertentu. Bambu runcing dihunus atas satu merah putih, tanpa ada yang membandingkan salib dan bulan sabit atau hitam dan putih. Namun, kini manusia saling hujam dan saling bunuh karena perbedaan agama, karena perbedaan suku. Apakah perbedaan bisa jadi alasan untuk melenyapkan nyawa sesama manusia?

Indonesia yang kaya, Indonesia yang subur, Indonesia yang makmur kini telah hancur babak belur. Hutan dibakar, banjir di mana-mana, gempa bumi meraja-lela.

Sungguh, terlalu banyak yang berubah.

Menyedihkan.

Namun, harapku hanya satu, agar negaraku Indonesia kembali menjadi burung garuda yang perkasa, yang mampu terbang tinggi di angkasa dan bersinar terang.

Garudaku, masih ada waktu untukmu, untuk terbang dan menggapai bintang-bintang.

Dirgahayu Indonesiaku.

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

Sometimes I wondered what would happen at this point if I chose the other path instead of this
And really
Sometimes I wished I had chosen that one

Though at the end of the day I will still be there
At the same place, same end point

A coffin

And again there will be a junction
To heaven or to hell

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

Life is sometimes taking you up there, at the peak of everything. You are so energetic, you are eager for every new day, you are just so happy for your life. Everything seems perfect. But sometimes, you are at the bottom, or even buried under every single shit. You are damned for every single thing, you are sick of your life, you are bored, you just feel miserable.

I believe that we will keep moving and moving and moving. None can be rest assured to be at the top of the world forever and ever, and nobody is so unlucky to be pressurized for his whole life. I believe that we need to feel the misery to enjoy the happiness to the fullest.

Yes, this is life. Keep rotating like a giant wheel. Keep flipping like a coin. Keep beating like a heart.

I am now at the latter stage, whereby everything just seems not right: your social circle, your activities, your time, your job, and even yourself. I need something to distract me, to bring me away from this boredom that will turn into craziness in no time. I just need some high pitched sound to keep me awake in this silent night.

When life seems so wrong, I should make it right. But how?

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

Hidup itu manusia dapatkan sejak tangisan pertamanya memecah hening dunia. Hidup itu bagai bayangan yang terus menempel dalam setiap langkah mereka. Dalam terang, bayangan itu terlihat begitu jelas, begitu pekat, begitu nyata. Dalam gelap, bayangan itu menghilang, tenggelam, berbaur dengan hitam.

Itulah hidup. Ketika manusia berada dalam terang, bermandikan kristal-kristal cahaya mentari, tersenyum lebar menyambut hari-hari, bayangan itu sangat solid, hidup jadi begitu indah, begitu berarti. Namun, ketika manusia sedang terjerembab dalam gelapnya dunia, bayangan itu hilang, seolah hidup itu tak lagi ada.

Hidup itu tak datang dan pergi, hidup itu tetap di sana, dalam terang maupun gelap. Hidup tak meninggalkan siapa pun bahkan ketika manusia terjerumus ke palung laut terdalam sekalipun. Hidup tetap di sana, menanti empunya untuk bangkit dan membawa mereka kembali ke bawah tawa sang surya. Seperti bayangan, hidup tak pernah pergi.

Mungkin manusia sering merasa 'tak hidup', 'mati', 'membusuk', dan perasaaan-perasaan lainnya ketika kita menghadapi berbagai masalah. Tapi hidup tetap di sana, menunggu. Manusia terkadang lupa bahwa merekalah yang harus mengendalikan hidupnya, bukan hidup yang mengendalikan mereka.

Manusia terkadang lupa. Manusia seringkali lupa, bahwa selalu ada cara untuk kembali ke kehidupan.

Aku hidup.
Aku dan hidupku sama-sama hidup.
Aku dan hidupku bersama bahagia selamanya.
Aku dan hidupku tak lekang oleh waktu.

And we live happily ever after...

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

It has been so long since I last wrote on this page. I missed it, yes, but I was so pre-occupied with other things and it diverted me from this little old friend.


Time sure flies. It is now August and only five months are left to the end of the year. I am a bit frustrated by how fast time passes by. I am still nowhere.


Even to my own resolution at the beginning of the year, I am driving myself away from it. I was telling myself and promised to myself, I would be happy no matter what, but I stressed myself more nowadays. Oh my God, I am driving too far. Where is the U-turn?


As I am re-reading my post, I am ashamed to myself.


As a person, I wish I can be better.
-I wish I can always be thankful and grateful and be closer to my God.
I don't think I am thankful enough to what I have gotten. I grumble too much, I complain too much.
- I want to cultivate patience in my life as I realize this is one of my problems so far. I should hold my anger and not throw my tantrum so easily.
I can't say I fail this one as I feel improvement in my emotional state. I can hold my anger and disappointment better now.
- I shall continue to learn and read and gain as many knowledge as possible. Nothing should stop me from learning to be better in every aspect of my life.
Learning is continuous process, huh? No problemo! I learn a lot of things from everything for these 7 months.
- I also hope that I can maintain a good lifestyle: less fried food, less snacks, less carbs, more exercise. My target for this year is to be slimmer and have a good shape. ;)
I signed up with a gym since July! And I am maintaining my lifestyle now. 
- I should continue to save money for my future: either study or business start up.
As the pay increment and bonuses came, I spent more rather than saved more :(
- I wish I can have a firm idea of what I want for my future. I should not continue to walk in the mist and uncertainty for too long.
This is a total failure. I don't even know what I am doing now. I am just floating and giving myself up to the flow. I don't know what I want, what I desire, how to achieve that, how to start, and when to start. I don't understand whether this is my dreamt job. Sometimes, I enjoyed it, sometimes, I really wanted to run away from it. This is madness.


As a girlfriend, I wish I can be an ideal one.
- I shall not throw my tantrum like a mad dog. I want to reflect before getting angry. I am sure he never wants to hurt me, so I shall not hurt him.
Sometimes, I did, the other times, I could not manage my anger. But I am sure there is improvement.
- My target for this year: minimum quarrel, more understanding. I think we have achieved a better level of understanding in these few months, but really, we shall continue to attempt the harmonious living in our love life.
Oops, no comment ;P
- I also wish he has the same determination as me. Two is better than one!
- I really wish to spend the next new year celebration with him.




Now you know why I feel so ashamed. It's like, "I didn't achieve anything!!!!"


Okay, chill. There are five more months to go and change everything.


Be happy, be happy, be happy.


U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

Counting the days, waiting for my rocket to come. 
I think I miss everything.


Quickly come back to me, Dear. 
I'm waiting.

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

It has been so long since the last time I wrote here. Not that I forgot the existence of this blog, really.

These two weeks have been good and bad at the same time. I was happy, excited, and joyful for a time and anxious, angry, and sad for another moment. Life is sure a roller coaster!!!!

Two of my colleagues resigned, mostly because of the same reason. They could not bear working in this environment anymore. I was sad, very very sad to lose them, but they would be leaving for good. I know there will be better life out there and I sincerely wish them all the best.

Now I am more redundant in the office, but I don't care of how she wants to beat me. I just do whatever thing I can do. Once I reach my limit, I will wave my hand and say good bye. I keep telling myself that I am a sun and I shine on my own.

July, now it is. Half a year have passed and I wish for better half of the remaining.

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

This feeling...
Like I have failed in everything...

Everything cracks, everything has defects, everything fail...
I am stupid, from the first start...

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

I am living in boxes, from one three-point-five-times-three-point-five-meter-box to another four-point-five-times-three-point-six-box. I am living in boxes, twenty-four hours seven days. I am living in boxes, like a hamster.

One turns to thirty and turns back to one, I am still here in my boxes, moving from one to another and coming back again. Just like one turns to thirty and turns back to one. Just like hamster who live in a box.

I am a hamster. The only difference is that hamster is bought and moved into the box, while I choose to move into my boxes.

Sometimes I wonder, why didn't I choose to be an eagle, that flies free above the sky and get the freedom to conquer the continents. Why did I choose to be a hamster? Why?

Do I like my boxes so much till I don't have guts to choose to be an eagle? Is this life a good one to live? Is there any invisible string that ties me to my boxes?

I keep asking.

I keep asking.

I keep asking.

Unfortunately...
None answers me.
And none transforms me.

I am still a hamster, living in my boxes. I run on my static wheel in the morning, I sleep among the shit at night. I am a hamster.

I am a hamster, longing to be an eagle.

The more I think about you, the more I feel that I have been deceived. I don't know what kind of fate that brought me to you, but it was and it is far from good. Our life knocked to each other in an instance and I saw you as an role model, the first checkpoint I wanted to go, the motivation for me to shine. You were so kind and nice and good and whatever, until one turning point when I saw your true color and I discover your true smell. I was and I am disappointed, I felt and I feel deceived, I couldn't and I can't believe.

But this is life.

Now when I think back, I wonder whether you tried to poison my mind. You talked bad about this and that person, this and that boss. So stupid I was, I believed in you and my perspective towards these people changed so drastically. And you told me you were stuck in your position now because you were so 'clean' to be bribed and the bosses always took you for granted. Again, so stupid I was, I believed in you. You also complained about your own team, saying that they could not do their works properly, they did not have any sense of ownership, and thousands other side stories. Of course, so stupid I was, I was carried out by your story and followed the plot you created.

And I was wrong for so long. I really need to apologize to them, for making their image so blackish in my mind. And I really need to curse you, for making up stories and poison me.

I was stupid before, but now I am not. I know that I must not believe any words that came out from your mouth.You are a snake, an evil, a bitch.

Maybe I am wrong for confronting you in front of people, but I just cannot take your attitude to keep pressing people for your own gain. Do you think you are so great that people should worship and kneel under your toe? It's nonsense!

You and your pride, you and your arrogance, you and your evil mind are blinding you from seeing that most people are so pissed off with you. From your own team, other team, contractors, and the bosses. Maybe I am so bad to think like this, but I wish you get your punishment so that less people suffer.

I know I need to change. I shall be more patient and never confront you anymore. I will play a silent game from now on, as silence is golden.

I am sorry for confronting you so many times. You shall hear no objection from me anymore.

And to let you know, I will not grow up to be like you. I am not brainless, and I don't need to show off to let people see that I am working.

Maybe we will bid farewell in a while, maybe I will stay with you to get pestered every now and then. Who knows? Only God knows.

I am greater than you. You are just small fly for me.

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

Berada jauh darimu seperti menyelam. Pekat. Penat. Tercekat.
Merindumu seperti menahan napas. Pedih. Letih. Tak terperi.

Kau ada. Aku ada. Tapi kita tiada.

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

Menuju 999, menuju keabadian...
Ataukah kesendirian...
Aku bertanya...

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

I was watching Glee this morning when I jumped into this song: 'Fighter' by Christina Aguilera. There was such a chemistry for me in the song and I quickly googled the lyrics. Then I realized, it's a perfect match for me, for my feeling, for my life.

Five years ago, I was an underdog. None believed that I could make my way to study abroad and get a scholarship. Even my teacher teased me in front of the class. But because of them, I was so determined to prove that I could complete the 'mission impossible'. In the end, I really got it and I was proud of it. I entered NTU with a scholarship and graduated from there with a First Class Honor. So many hardship I went through to harvest the fruits. And I am stronger, much stronger than five years ago.

Now, another test comes in my way. One year ago, I was too stupid to realize that I could never believe anyone wholeheartedly. I thought people always had pure hearts and be honest when they were talking to me. But, that was not the case.

People are just damn fake. They lie, they act, they badmouth, they accuse. But in front of you they smile, they laugh, they praise you. Holy Shit, this is life!

So many motives are hidden behind the mouth and the brain. I will never know what people want from me, what people are afraid of me, why people want to abolish me. I am just a small little girl here trying to find my way for a success: for a better life, a self achievement, a continual improvement.

It looks like that I am being stalked from behind. The culprit is moving without sound, but I know someone is there, waiting for the right time to stab my back and kill me. I can see blood, I can see tears, I can see sweat all over my body. I can see that I will be wrecked and I will sink into the deep sea. I will be gone, vanished into the black sea.

Another part of myself tell me not to let anyone destroy me. I am strong and I will be stronger. If the bastard wants me to fall down and tear apart, I shall be more solid and more threatening. I will roar like a godzilla and I will instead destroy my opponent.

I am a fighter.

Thanks for making me a fighter.



U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

Maybe I am wrong for being too straightforward... Maybe I am wrong for being too rebellious... Maybe I am wrong for not being able to stand on your side... Maybe I am wrong for not being able to keep my dislike in secrecy and continue to interact with you as if nothing happens... Maybe I am wrong for countering your bossy impractical orders and requests...

Maybe I am wrong, yes I am wrong...

But you are wrong for always believing that you are right...

I don't know whether we can continue to walk together and reach the common goal...

I want to give up...

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

I tell her, butterflies have gone through agony before beauty stroke them. From ugly worms to lonely cocoons, they have to overcome all the pain and suffering before transforming into butterflies and flying high. And you are to overcome those pain now, so you can be the real beauty queen. I am sure you can.

And I tell her, birds drop their children from their nests, not because they do not want to raise their babies. They do that with great pain, I am sure, but they do not have any other choices. They just want their babies to learn to fly. So, you are now ready to be dropped from your nest. Tell your mom to do so.

I am sure you can fly high, like a beautiful butterfly, like a cheerful bird in the sky.
I am sure you can shine, like a twinkling star, like a rising sun.
I am sure you can be whatever you want to be.
You are the champion!

I love you, My friend, and I wish you all the best!

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

In the middle of tense discussion,
OB: *bringing a tray of cups* Kopi, Sir?
Everyone: *staring at him unbelievably*

When he sent me to the airport,
OB: My wife hen many many...
Me: *thinking about 'hand' instead of 'hen'* Huh?
OB: Chicken, chicken...
Me: *bursting into laugh*
I was thinking that his wife had a lot of hands!!!!

I called him because there was a bee in my room,
Me: Hey, there's a bee!
OB: Bee? What?
Me: *googling a bee straightaway* This is bee...
OB: Ohhh, I know. My country have.
Me: Every country also have lah!
OB: I know this one honey, good!
Me: *looking at him* The honey is good, but not the bee!!!!!
Until now, the bee is still wandering happily and we could not catch it.

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

So many days and nights have passed, so many breathes have I taken, so many thought have I gone through. To my surprise, the pain is now subside, seeping into the deepest tissue of my heart, my bone, my flesh, my artery. I barely felt heart-broken to what she said, nowadays. Instead, I accept that that was a part of her flaw. I accept that she might hurt people when she feels hurt.

But, I am also a human. I am not perfect. Forgiveness has yet to bloom from my heart. I can accept her anger and sharp words does not mean that I can forgive her for hurting me and my men. I shall wait, yes, I shall wait for the forgiveness. I will forgive someday, but not forget.

She may think that I am so arrogant for showing her my black face and unhappiness although I have been working for nearly one year. She may think that I can only take compliment, but cannot accept any negative comments. I don't care. I will just do what I am supposed to do and overcome this problem.

I can take as many negative comments as you give to me, as long as you tell me in a good manner. By saying "You are redundant! You are sleeping on your job! You are not moving! You are burden to your colleagues! You must be spoon-fed! You are bla bla bla," you do insult people, not comment at them. I suggest you to reflect upon yourself first. There must be some reasons why I avoid talking to you nowadays: to refrain myself from being hurt over and over.

I think I have enough insult already. None ever say I am redundant, you are the one and only. How dare you.

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

I have drawn a line, an imaginary line... And you can't cross or delete it forever... I am now inside my own imaginary fortress and I will be happier that ever before...

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

My wound have not cured at all and you sprinkled salt on top of it...

It needs a week for my anger to subside. I tell myself that I need to accept my team mates, for whatever thing that they did, what whatever flaw that they have. I managed to hold my anger and disappointment. But, it seems that people always take me for granted. I heard the word again: redundant.

Yes, this is the second time she said I was redundant. I could not take it, really. It hurt me so bad. I have done my very best to do whatever things they need me to do. I work like shit, even on weekends. Do I do weekends duty solely for money? No! I don't want to see my other team mates lose their life by working non-stop, so I am okay to work on weekend duty. This is not what I want. I'd rather sleep and eat and play rather than earn than twenty bucks.

But now I know, whatever hard work I have done is not appreciated at all. And I feel like showing them how redundant I am. I am considering to take a few month unpaid leave. Since I am redundant, no one will ever realize even if I disappear forever, right?

I am so so so so disappointed. Life is cruel.

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

One fine Saturday in the office
Contractor 1: Why you always work on Saturday?
Me: Hardworking ma?
Contractor 1: Go back, go back. Bye bye.
Me: ...

When I walked out of office, another one came into my way
Contractor 2: Why you always work? Never go out ah? You don't have boyfriend meh? Have, right?
Me: I am married to my job already.
Contractor: Aiyah, don't say like that lah. How old are you?
Me: 22.
Contractor: Oh, still okay la. But 24 must get married huh! Don't work so hard.
Me: ...

If I am that hardworking, none will say I am redundant.

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

Life taught me not to trust anybody

So many people lie to me, so many times I failed in judging people. I am disappointed with myself. I am disappointed with people. I am disappointed with this life.

I trusted people very easily and I judged people very positively, but in the end, I was betrayed by my own mind. Too many people have disappoint me.

I am sick of human.

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

I wish I could go back to the time when the topics of conversation were mainly your relationship, other people's relationship, school assignments and exams, and those TV series. I wish I could go back to the time when I did not need to wake up very early everyday and wear trousers and blouse. I wish I could go back to the time when most people around me were more sincere and honest. I wish I could, I wish I could.

Everything in my life has changed. I am no more a student, I am no more a child. When I was there being a student and being a kid, I saw working life as a heaven for me: no need to go through sleepless night for exams and assignments, weekends are free day for yourself, earning money for yourself. Yet, when I look back now, those days were my heaven, actually.

I just realized that I was too weak to face this world. I get hurt and I cry so easily. I don't know what is wrong with me, but I think I am not ready for this tough adult life. I am not ready.

I was so disappointed and I felt betrayed by how people treated me. I felt like people have faked me and I was so dumb to believe all of their stories. I was a dumbass. Now I started to query everyone and I felt so bad to myself as I was so lacking in trust.

I did not believe how people could just blame others for things. I thought we were working as a team, but why the blame should be cascaded down? Why did not us take the blame together? Although I was not condemned, I was not shouted at, but I felt so disappointed by how my boss blamed my staff. I felt even more pissed when she said, "All of you break my rice bowl!". If she thought her own staff broke her rice bowl, was it right for her to break her staff's heart? I don't think so.

I have stuck in this position for so long: I did the backstage thing for my boss to showcase, I had no power over my contractor, I felt redundant and invisible in the eyes of the bosses up there. But what could I do? I kept quiet. I was tired of doing my role as a Personal Assistant to my boss, but I took it as a learning stage. I shall not imitate her when I am up there somewhere later. I hope I can. I don't want my subordinate to feel what I feel now.

I am so lost. I feel like I am drowning in a big pond of shit and I will die soon. Nobody cares and I am the one struggling like mad but I still can't get out of this pond. I am dying and I will die.

I can't tell my closest one also. They have their own matters to think about. Why should I bother them? If I tell my mom and dad, they will be very worry and I don't want it to happen. And I can't tell bf since he is so busy right now. We even barely talk nowadays. And it is so difficult for us to meet on weekends due to my work. Sometimes I want to cry, but I always think that I shall be committed and I shall deliver my best. I am sorry for bf, I am sorry for myself.

I think I am too sad today. Even chocolate could not help me.

God, help me.

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

Saya memberikan bando kepada Kayra
Kay: Xie xie

Sesaat kemudian
Kay: Ii Fen Fen... *lari ke dalam kamar*
Me: *ngikut* Ya?
Kay: Ii Fen Fen, itu *sambil menunjuk kumpulan bando* itu punya Kaykay, taruh situ...
Me: Nanti kalo Kaykay ke mall, dipake ya... *naruh bandonya di tempat yang ditunjuk Kay*
Kay: Ii Fen Fen... Beli di mana?
Me: Di Xin Jia Po...
Kay: Kok itu doang? Tas nya mana?
Me: Tas apa???
Kay: Tas Barbie Kaykay...
Me: ... *Oemji dia nagih!!!!!*


Di mobil, hampir tiba di bandara
Me: Ray, ii pulang ke Xin Jia Po dulu ya...
Ray: Iya, ii di sana jangan nakal ya...
Me: ... *What???? Am I the one who is supposed to say that????*


Di mobil, Kay sedang main PSP
Kay: *menyodorkan PSP ke saya* Ii Fen Fen, ini mainya gimana?
Me: *bingung soalnya dr tadi dia main* Sini... Ini gini...
Kay: *mengalihkan perhatiannya ke benda lain*
Me: *akhirnya main PSP sendiri*


Kayra and Ray are so adorable!!!!

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

I had very fun days in Jakarta. I met my mom, I met my cute nephew and niece, we went to Mangga Dua, and I met with my friends!

I am so blessed that I have people who love me. And I am so blessed to have the capability to spend money for this kind of thing. I shall be grateful and yes, I am.

Now, I get back to my life whereby I am required to 'chiong' for my future career, but I don't think there is any promise in it. I have performed my best, but what I get is not what I expect. I still get an 'Average' like anybody else. I was kinda disappointed when my boss revealed the score to me, but I could not say much. I could understand that he also felt the disappointment because his boss failed to fight for him and he failed to make the boss fight for his team.

I don't know whether this is the right place to stay.We shall see. Next year, next year, I will update you next year.

For now, I will live my life to the fullest, perform the best and the most that I can. Whether or not the bosses appreciate me, we will see later. Atop of all, my team is indeed a beautiful team. I love them.

We shall see we shall see.

Yes, life is beautiful, but sometimes the beauty is covered with mud and shit and dirt. We need time and sweat to clear it, but sure it will be worth at the end of the journey.

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

Today is Pi Day, today is White Day, today is rainy day...

Early in the morning I woke up, it was raining. Until now, it is still raining. I can't get out of my house and go to the office. Zutt, I hate it.

So many things happen these days. And I feel that I am so blessed.

I am getting busier, yes. I learn more, it's more true. When I am sure that I do more that what a PJE should do, I feel useful, I feel great, I feel much more trusted and appreciated. I don't really know whether my fellow grade 1 colleagues are doing as much or more than I do, but I don't care. As long as I learn more, I gain more for myself, I add value for myself, I will fight for my future. :)

If I compare myself now with Febrina 9 months ago, I can feel that I am improving. I can't really see how fast and how extensive my improvement is, but really, I am improving and I will continue to improve. I am going to dedicate myself for the team's good.

Yesterday I heard some good news from my colleagues, and I felt so happy for them. No, I was not happy, I was more than happy. My mood lighted up yesterday and I felt so euphoric for the rest of the day! I wish them all the best and I will make sure I follow their step next year. I deserve it!

I told someone that I targeted to be the big boss of my company. It may be true and it may not be true. I still don't know whether I should or I want to stay in this line forever. If my choice is to stay, I will climb up for sure. I am an ambitious person and I will work hard to work my may up. I will make it a champion at the end of the day. I don't like to lose to anybody. :D

Ten minutes have passed since I wrote this rubbish, and it is still raining out there. Should I run into it and go to the office no matter what happen?

YOSH! A new day, a new spirit!

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

When people feedback to you, tell you something that you can change and improve, they are not trying to demoralize you... They are just showing their love to you, like a mom that always nag and nag and nag their children... It is love...

But you see it differently, you take it differently... And you complain about being nagged, you just don't appreciate people around you...

You say how can people who love you nag you and demoralize you... However, in fact, they care about you... They want to see you shine and be a better person...

But you are just human, and human can not appreciate other people so well... Maybe you can start to appreciate when these people have gone away from your life... Do you want it?

After all, it goes back to you... It's your ship and it's up to you...

I am tired...

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

I have been emotionally unstable these days, especially regarding how I feel about people. I am sick of people, I can say.

1. People tend to take things for granted
This is human nature. People take their status, position, authority, and comfort zone for granted. And they start to to pressurize, discomfort, burden, or even blame others for stuffs. I don't know what people are thinking, but I truly think that this is unacceptable. Other people play certain roles in your life, either big or small. Is it so difficult to be nice as other people are trying to be nice with you, too?

2. As they grow bigger, people tend to be nastier.
Yes, this is it. When people have no authority, they are humble, they are nice, they are hardworking. But, when they are bigger and more powerful, they tend to abuse their power and turn to the dark side of their personality. What they do is just blaming their subordinates and keep doing that until all get demoralized. Although people have done their best to deliver a good product, blame is still cascaded down only because of little tiny thing that they overlooked. I feel so unjustified.

3. People cannot appreciate what you have done to them until they lose you
This is somewhat true, am I correct? People are very weak in appreciating what they have until they lose them. People are arrogant, they can just keep blaming and blaming and blaming other people despite what other people have done to them. They can't just appreciate other's hard work. It is sad, extremely sad.

4. People at the top always take credit of what people on the ground do
Life is unfair yet unbearable at this stage. When bad things come, people blame their subordinates. But when good things come to existence, those people sip the happiness by themselves. I don't care what the position you hold, as long as you try the credit, I will tell you off straight on your face.

5. People are just humans, but humanity is getting no value
People keep complaining ad blaming other people about any single thing that bothers them. Is there nothing better to do? Are they so unhappy so they want to drag other people inside? Humanity, love among all people, where is it now?

And I think to myself, am I such a person too? Oh God, dealing with human and being a human are sure difficult.


U're the best I've ever had
 ~FeN~

So many things happened yet I had no time to write. Recently I have been so busy with works and stuffs and I almost abandon this space of mine.

I am sorry.

I felt a bit of homesick nowadays. I missed my home, I missed my family, I missed the idling time at home. I was sick for being so rush, so busy, and so pre-occupied with works. I just wanted a break.

Saturday and Sunday are now so precious for me since I need to works on alternate weeks. I am tired, actually. However, nothing can be done. I have chosen my path and I am responsible for it. I just hope that what I have been sacrificing now will be paid off later.

And nowadays I feel like my work is getting more interesting and my boss is getting more and more awesome. He is so deep, so knowledgeable, so steady, yet he is so humble and down to earth. I shall learn a lot from him. I shall grow to be a good one like him. :)

I am learning a lot through my 9 month journey here and I will learn more and more. I am grateful~

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

It's a wonderful feeling you have when you know that someone is attempting so hard to be your future. He/she doesn't have to be perfect, but he/she will go round the imperfection and put the best effort to create a perfect world for you.

Lucky I'm in love with my best friend, lucky to have been where I have been~~~

Being with you is like falling in love every split second again and again...

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

When bf and I were queuing for a fully packed MRT,
Me: Eh, you tell them I am pregnant, so I can get a seat.
Bf: It's better if you tell them that your husband is pregnant, they will believe for sure. I look more pregnant than you.
Me: ... *speechless*

When I was inside the MRT,
Operator: Next station, Macpherson
A small kid: Why they name it Macpherson, not MacDonald? MacDonald is nicer.
Me: ... *trying not to laugh*

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

Special days come and go year by year. Birthday, anniversary, christmas, chinese new year, whatever.

I am a person who is always admiring special days and I love to see love blooming once more during these days: family become more bonded and appreciate the togetherness, couple give surprises and gifts to each other, friends start to arrange gathering and share experiences. So many things can happen during the days, and I keep admiring it.

People say, "You don't need to wait for valentine or birthday to show love," and I totally agree. But, if your loved one cannot show love to you during those days, how you can expect him/her to love you more for the ordinary days.

I love to put effort and see the glowing faces of people that I love during their birthdays and other special days. And deep inside, I long for the same thing as well, although none bothers.

Maybe I am to perfectionist, maybe I just want thing to be done my way, maybe I am just being unreasonable.

My 22 is coming soon. I have stopped expecting.

I just need love, not any bling or candles.

Boss 1: So we should ask them to provide refreshments and newspapers from next week onward, right?
Admin: Yess, you should request for your beverages already...
Boss 2: No, in our specs, it's stated refreshment, not beverages...
Admin: What is the difference between beverages and refreshment???
Boss 2: Beverages means drinks only, like those milo or coffee... Refreshment includes dan gao (cakes), bing gan (crackers)...
Me: Bing gan only la, from where got dan gao?
Boss 2: And got kueh, keropok...
Boss 1: Yes, and got pau, siew mai...
Admin: *laughing very hard* Then send some to here lah!
Me: *speechless*

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

Time flies so fast. And I have to get back to this tiny red dot. I don't feel like coming back, but I know that I have no choice.

Oops, I indeed have another choice to stay back home and do nothing. However, I still have my obligation to pay my debt and I do feel like exploring this field more before I decide to stop.

So many things I have been thinking about this time: my job, my destination, my future life, my desire, my future family, everything.

I am reaching 22. I am still young, yet I am so near to an age that people call mature. People can say that I still have time to play and explore this and that a little bit, yet I need to decide on which path I want to walk to reach my desired future. Time will not wait. I need to get going.

I believe that destiny was drawn beforehand, but human still has the authority to change everything. I will have a happy ending, I am sure.

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

Again, it is almost Chinese New Year. Year by year just pass in a speed of light, too fast, too fast to be noticed.

A good year is coming, a dragon year. So many marriage, so many pregnancy, so many hope in this new year. I don't know whether this year will be a fabulous year, but I will put my best effort to create an extremely beautiful one.

I am grateful that God sends me so many wonderful people around me. I am blessed, I am blessed.

People in the office care for me. I am really thankful to have them, especially my two bosses. All my inspectors are also very supportive and help me a lot. Colleagues from other contracts are also very cute and care for me a lot. Yesterday I just had a talk with them and I just found out that all the while they thought that I was an intern! Haha. No wonder they called me xiao mei mei. Today my boss also called me 'little girl'. At least, I feel younger.

My auntie at home are also one in a kind. Although I am not related to her and she has no obligation to me in any form, she takes care of me like her own daughter. Oh my, I am so blessed.

And not to mention, my bf that always loves me for whatever and whoever I am, my family at home that always support me for every decision I take, and all my besties that are always there for me to chat and share. I am so blessed.

I am so happy that tomorrow I will go back home to see my family. I am so blessed!

Xin nian kuai le!!!!

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

I don't want to stop smiling. This is indeed a great pre-CNY present.

I hope it will come to reality.

To travel and to study, and not to pay. :):):)

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

Sometime ago during a meeting,

QP(S): You know, C922 D-wall cutter broke down... Until now, they still cannot fix it...
Boss: Who is their subcon???
Me: Tuksu
Boss: Oh, nevermind. Our subcon better. They will always su one.

And the whole room burst out laughing

I went to site that time,

Contractor 1: *talking to Contractor 2 in Korean*
Contractor 2: *looks surprised* *face me* Febrina, you need a chair?
Me: Huh? What?
Contractor 1: Bring umbrella also!
Me: Ehhhh? No no no!

I just realized Contractor 1 told Contractor 2 to bring a chair so I could sit, ON SITE. What the hell. Hahaha.

In the MRT,

Train announcement: Lorong Chuan
Bf: I think I want to live here, people always cuan one...
Me: ...

Eh, actually there are so many terrace houses and condominiums around Lorong Chuan. Maybe he is true.

A lunch at Sakae Sushi,

Boss 1: *talking to Boss 1* So, this is for you. Finish up.
Boss 2: *facing me* Febrina, you are the youngest. Eat.
Me: Whattttt????

And I ended up feeling so full of sushi.

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

Yesterday I attended this so called 'career talk' for undergraduate students. Yes, I have graduated, but my director asked me to go there and support him. He said I might be a good model for the students. Oh, yes, okay, whatever.

The event was yesterday, and he informed me YESTERDAY, 3 hours before the event. I didn't prepare myself, event the slightest.

I WORE POLO TEE + JEANS + SPORT SHOES!!!

And I was supposed to be a good model for the students.

I was like, "What???? Are you serious????"

But, bo pien hor. I went there, and not unexpectedly, people misunderstood me as a student that came to attend the career talk instead of an engineer that came to share with the students.

Sigh.

Paiseh, paiseh.

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

My mom told me once before.

"A lady can love a man who loves her and adores her, but a man will never love a lady whom he didn't like."


"So, a lady should not chase over a man, because there won't be any way that things can be sorted up."


"A lady should only fall into a man who adores her more than anyone else."

I guess I have forgotten this a little bit.

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

A sweet beginning and bitter ending~~~

I won't forget today... My tears drop for the first time in 2012...

Sh*t!

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

Sometimes I think that marriage life may be pretty interesting. You can have the whole flat for yourself, not only a 3m x 3m room. You can cook together, you can clean up together, you can arrange thing as what you like, you can do nothing on weekends and no one care, you can buy bread without worrying that you can't finish them up before expiry date, you can do this, and you can do that. The most important thing is that you can SHARE and CARE.

I am not ready for such a life, but sometimes I imagine myself taking care of my family. I want to have one, someday...

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

Thanks to my good friend that reminded me to this manga. I spent my weekends reading, finally! A quality reading!

Nodame Cantabille is a story about a girl studying in Momogaoka Music University. She plays piano, but she plays as she likes it. She can't sight read, she skips the tune, she can't play well, but she has a powerful talent. She is in love with a school idol, which is her neighbor. And the journey of these two people to reach their dream begins.

Although the drawings are not too good, the story flows well and I love it! It brings back memories about how youngsters usually dream and compete. I think I aged so badly since I started working and this story is sure a wake up call for me. I still can dream and I should work hard for my dream.

Although you love your bf/gf so much, you still can't lose to them. You must compete with each other and create a fast pace together for the bright future. There is no such a thing as let-him-shine-and-I-watch from-the-background or as-long-as-he-succeeds-I-am happy thing. Both shall land safely to their dream land and both shall be considerate to each other! And in the end, they can succeed together.

Keep dreaming. Keep your interest. Keep your love.
And you'll be the happiest person at the end of the day.

Mukyaaaaa~~~~



U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

Say hi to 2012.

For this year, basically, my resolution is to be thankful for everything I have and to hold on this principle very tightly: being happy is a choice.

Yeah, being happy is indeed a choice. You can choose to be happy in every situation, even in a bad one. And you'll end up appreciating more. On the other hand, you can also choose to be dissatisfied and keep whining over anything and you'll end up suffering for the whole year. I want to be the first one: to be thankful, to be happy, to keep shining. I am sure by having a beautiful heart, I will be a beautiful person, and I can make the world even more beautiful. :)

You may say I'm a dreamer, but I'm not the only one... I hope someday you'll join us, and the world will live as one...

For this world, in 2012, I hope there will be less earthquakes, floods, and other natural disasters. I hope there will be less brutality, like those fathers-rape-their-own-daughter or daughters-slap-moms-in-the-face thingy. I hope for more justice to the poor. I hope more good leaders will be born and lead the world to a better state. I hope there will be no more war and conflicts between countries. I hope for less corrupted country leaders. I hope all religions walk hand in hand. I hope there is no bombing, assassination, and murder. I wish for world peace.

And for my own self, I have a few points to highlight.

As a person, I wish I can be better.
-I wish I can always be thankful and grateful and be closer to my God.
- I want to cultivate patience in my life as I realize this is one of my problems so far. I should hold my anger and not throw my tantrum so easily.
- I shall continue to learn and read and gain as many knowledge as possible. Nothing should stop me from learning to be better in every aspect of my life.
- I also hope that I can maintain a good lifestyle: less fried food, less snacks, less carbs, more exercise. My target for this year is to be slimmer and have a good shape. ;)
- I should continue to save money for my future: either study or business start up.
- I wish I can have a firm idea of what I want for my future. I should not continue to walk in the mist and uncertainty for too long.

As a girlfriend, I wish I can be an ideal one.
- I shall not throw my tantrum like a mad dog. I want to reflect before getting angry. I am sure he never wants to hurt me, so I shall not hurt him.
- My target for this year: minimum quarrel, more understanding. I think we have achieved a better level of understanding in these few months, but really, we shall continue to attempt the harmonious living in our love life.
- I also wish he has the same determination as me. Two is better than one!
- I really wish to spend the next new year celebration with him.

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~