aLL 'BouT 'Fe-Ar'

31st December is always a remarkable day for each and every year, including this year. Yes, another year is coming and everybody ought to say good bye to the year on 31st December. Good bye, 2011, you have been teaching me abundantly this year. Thank you, from the deepest of my heart.

2011 is a great year for me. I have been an adult this year, literally. I reached my 21st this year. Although there is no celebration, I am still thankful.

So many thanks I want to say to 2011.

Although I spent my 2011 countdown to be shed in tears, I am thankful that all my family finally could let go and disregard this problem. None of all humans out there shall disturb the happiness of my family. We are united, and we don't care what you are talking about behind our back. As long as God knows we are doing the right time, we are innocent and we are proud of it. Thanks 2011.

This year is also special because I made a big choice between pursuing a master degree and career. And I chose working in LTA instead of studying at Imperial College of London. Until now, I still wonder what would happen if I chose otherwise? Would I be happier? Would my future be brighter? Oh, well, I have chosen, so let it be. I am sure God has crafted a great future for me, no matter what path I choose to walk on. Thanks 2011.

And 2011 also marked my turning point from a tertiary student to working adult. I am so grateful that I managed to get through my four-year study with a glorious end. I successfully managed to achieve the first class honor and became one of the dean's list for my final year. Although I regretted that I was not given any award, I know I have done my best and achieved the best. I just felt so sad that my parents could not see me walking up to the stage and getting my medals or awards or whatever. I spent quite a lot of time to cry and blame whoever people I could blame, but then I realized something. Maybe this is the way God wants to teach me that not all of my desire could come true, I should let go and let other people sip the pride and happiness. As bf told me, "So far you have no difficulties to reach whatever thing you want to achieve, this is the time for you to learn.". Yeah, it's true. I have learned my lesson. Thanks 2011.

Joining this new family called LTA was a big leap in my life. From a student life that required me to study, do my tutorial, attend your classes, and join a few organization only, I entered this totally brand new life, with so many dark side. Although I've been here only a few months, I can see that so many people play politics and try to score some points from their bosses by stealing other people's credit. Some people are just bad bosses that can't appreciate their staff. I am so thankful that I chose my own boss and I know my choice is not wrong. My boss is a superb! He is kind, he is cool, he has a long term vision, he is so knowledgeable, he has the aura that intimidates the contractor, he is fun, he is young-hearted, he likes to chat with his staff, he is a super boss! Thanks 2011.

In LTA, I have learned so many things that I couldn't learn in university. I have learned about the real construction life and I am learning over an over. I have learned that it is not easy to be the youngest yet have someone older as your subordinate. I have learned that all the bosses up there only care about the final result, not the effort you put in to achieve it. I have learned that it is not healthy to be married to your job but yet, I still can't help it. I have learned that sometime you may feel redundant but there is always a way to make your existence remarkable. I have learned so many things throughout this seven months and I am learning still. Thanks 2011.

2011 also marked the loss of my grandmother, and today is her 49 days. That was the first time in my whole life to attend a funeral and become a part of it. I was sad, very sad. I cried over and over, although I knew that was the best way for her: to be separated with her pain and sadness in this world. I knew she was better off there, but still, I couldn't help it. I felt the loss. Although I haven't met her for one year or so, I still felt so attached to her. She took care of me when I was little. She reminded me to have lunch, to shower, to go for classes. I loved her and I still love her. Grandma, how are you there? This year, you can celebrate new year in  heaven. I am sure it is much better that what you can see here. Good bye, Grandma. Sabbe Sancarra Anicca. Thanks 2011.

And of course, I am thankful because I am still in my relationship with bf. We have gone through a lot this year, especially during the transition period. But luckily, we manage to get through it and be more understanding to each other. We are not the perfect couple, but we always try to fill each other's imperfection and create our own perfection. On top of all, we still love each other, that's why we are still here together, hand by hand, heart by heart. This year marked our 2 year of togetherness. I hope we will continue to walk together next year, 10 years from now, or even until death does us apart. Thanks 2011.

Thanks 2011. Thanks a lot. I will never forget you.




U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

Christmas wishes:
- being at home with my family
- a holiday
- being a sleeping beauty till new year
- a new water bottle
- a nice and romantic getaway with bf
- dendeng sapi cap anggur

Christmas surprise:
- my site office is ready soon
- my boss is playing Angry Bird
- my room agent sent me a christmas greeting
- 10 days without quarrrel with bf

Christmas sadness:
- being far from home
- no holiday
- Shihui is moving out out Expo

Christmas, please be nice... I don't want to be sick...


U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

Working is indeed difficult. Not only about the responsibility you need to take for the job and others' expectation of your performance, but it is also about the working environment with random people bossing around you and random people totally ignoring you.

Working is indeed very difficult.

The time you spend for reaching the office, working in the office, and doing your work overtime.
The lunch time, personal time, and resting time you sacrifice for completing your work.
The dissatisfaction you feel when you are unable to meet your own standard.

Before I joined university, people kept saying that uni life is much more slack that schooling time. But later I found that people were just trying to bluff me. There is no such thing called slacking in uni life when you are more grown up and concern about your future.

And before I graduated, I kept thinking that working life could be easier than uni life, I just need to focus on my works. But, again, looks like I have been fooled by my own thought. Working life is much worse. There are so many things I need to think about: my future career path, my bosses' opinion about me, my quality delivery, my working environment, my time management, my this, and my that.

Now I realize I am to attached to my work. I wake up earlier so that I can reach office earlier, I ask my colleagues to help me pack some lunch so that I can continue working, I stay back late to keep doing my work, and I bring my work back home so that I can finish it on time or earlier. Sometimes, I even go back to the office during weekends to clear whatever thing I need to clear. I have a very limited time for myself, bf, and friends. I feel guilty.

Don't get me wrong. I am not complaining about my work. I just think that I need some personal life. My life these few months contains too much, W, O, R, and K. I want to find a work-life balance, but looks like life is just a dream.

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

Today someone told me that I was incompetent because as an engineer, I couldn't even do the admin job properly. I was pissed off, I was hurt. I can't understand why people keep prejudicing me without no ground. Can't they understand that it is so hard to cope for two person job?

And come to think about it, why is it so difficult to contribute? Sometimes I feel that I am redundant. And I feel like disappearing, since I have no use to anything.

What should I do?

Am I that bad?
Am I that useless?

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

When I was reviewing contractor's report template

Me: I think it's quite good already, but you still need to add bla bla bla bla *keep adding things to be included*
Contractor: Hmm *nod*
Me: And this one, very unclear. Did you draw it by hand?
Contractor: No, it's not.
Me: But it's not clear. Can you just use solid circle?
Contractor: But it's donut shape.
Me: But it's not clear.
Contractor: But I like donut!
Me: *burst out laughing*

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

I don't like:

• - when people accuse me without no ground
• - when people don't do their jobs and still assume they are right
• - when people pretend not to know anything when I have explained everything to them at least 3 times
• - when people don't respect me just because I am new, inexperience, and a girl
• - when I am supposed to do tedious and long-winded paper works
• - when I have told myself over and over that I need to go to the site but the time is just not enough
• - when I see the DAR files on my table keep towering up
• - when I cannot find my stationary on my own table
• - when I realize time is running too fast

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

And this letter really made my day...

Although I am not sure whether I will pursue the recognition, at least I have one extra weapon for my future now...

I have passed the Fundamental of Engineering Examination!!!

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

After a presentation, all of us were waiting for the lift.

*Ding*
Listening to the sound, my boss and I quickly rushed into the lift with my contractor team.
But I just realized that the PM hadn't get into the lift yet.
Me: Ehhh, the PM!!!
Contractor 1: *already push the close button*
Contractor 2: It's okay...
Boss: Eh, he hasn't come in yet...
Contractor 1: My PM?
Me: Yesss...
Contractor 1: Oh, nevermind. I thought it's your PM. *looks very relieved*
Me: ...
Boss: Later your boss say: your salary also nevermind!

LOL! At least there's some entertainment in the office.

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

Kusadari dunia terus berputar dan kita ikut berputar-putar di dalamnya, tetapi mengapa kita tak berputar bersama?

Kutahu waktu terus berjalan dan kita ikut berjalan bersama waktu, tetapi mengapa kita tak berjalan beriringan?

Kumengerti kita tak lagi sama seperti dulu, tetapi mengapa kita tak coba bawa kembali cinta kita?

Apakah ini hidup yang aku mau? Apakah ini hidup yang kau mau?
Aku bermain-main dengan hari-hariku dan kau bermain-main dengan hari-harimu?
Lalu tak ada lagi ruang untuk bicara, tertawa, dan habiskan waktu bersama?
Ke manakah hari-hari indah yang dulu?

Bukan ini yang aku mau, mungkin ini yang kau mau.
Ntahlah, aku tak mengerti.

Aku tercekik hari-hariku sendiri.
Dan mungkin aku akan mati dalam kesendirian ini.

Mati.
Dalam kesendirian ini.
Sendiri.
Mati.

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

Tell me in which position I stand.


Number 1? No, I am not sure.
After your work? Maybe.
After your games? Of course.
After your sleep? Absolutely.


Even it's difficult to talk to you now.
I am going crazy.

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

In the panel clinic

During registration
Receptionist: We need your father's name.
Me: But my father is not here.
Receptionist: You just write your father's name.
Me: *write my father's name in confusion and hand it to the receptionist*

After a while
Receptionist: I need your father's name.
Me: I give already.
Receptionist: *take the paper* So, it is your father who works at LTA, right?
Me: No, I am working at LTA.
Receptionist: Ooooh...

With the doctor
Me: So can I get an MC?
Doctor: Sure. Which shool are you in now?
Me: No, I am not schooling anymore.
Doctor: So, you don't need the MC.
Me: I am working now.
Doctor: In LTA?
Me: Yes
Doctor: The youngest worker there, is it? I still think your father is the one who works for LTA. Haha.
Me: ...

At least, I still look young, although 22 is approaching...

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

Today was Christmas that come one month faster...

# Gift 1
Colleague: Feb, come...
Me: Ya? *quickly come over to the person*
Boss: Hey, she is on leave today. Don't pressurize her!

My boss is very nice and makes me smile from ear to ear :)

#Gift 2
Cleaner: Sister, you try to find me?
Me: Who told you?
Cleaner: *point to my boss' table*
Me: Oh... *hand him a bag* This is for you...
Cleaner: *stunned* Thank you...

I am happy to see happy faces :)

#Gift 3

The contractor admin came and brought quite a number of things. My laptop was coming! Yeehaaa!

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

I wonder why people never exercise investigation before jumping into the conclusion. I know sometimes I did the same to people I love, but this time is too much. What people think about me is just unacceptable. They didn't know and they just kept prejudicing me.

I am sad.

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

When I cry, no one understands why I do so.
I guess I am just lonely.

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

Do you ever feel that understanding is so difficult to achieve?
I am there now, hopeless-helpless-whateverless.

I want to make you understand, but how?

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

Life is short indeed. Just in glance, without my realization, my granny has left me and her whole family. She was sick for 6 years and now she has been released from her suffering.

I am happy for her, really.

In her age of 86, she became so so so thin until I kept crying when I saw her inside the coffin. But, her face was peaceful and she was really beautiful. She's my granny, no matter what.

I still can remember how she usually told her grandchildren to quickly bathe and go for lessons, how she always asked her grandchildren whether we had eaten our lunch, and how she kept watching telenovela without understanding any single thing inside.

I still can remember how she fell sick six years ago, how she became so forgetful about people around her but still cared about her eldest son, how she became less and less responsive to everybody.

One time, during my first semester break, I went to visit her. I can still remember she told me that she was so sorry not to be able to fly to Singapore and look after me and my cousin. She said she wanted to cook for us, but she couldn't walk anymore. She shed in tears, I remember, and I was so sad that time.

Maybe I was not the one she cared the most, but I bet that I was the only grandchild that talked the most to her during those six years. I kept talking to her although she never responded. I kept talking and asking her things until she gave me answers and response. I taught her to make 'victory' sign with her fingers and took a photo of her. I painted her nails. I combed her white hair. I loved her, and I still love her.

Good bye, Popo. I am sure you are now in a safer, more beautiful, and more peaceful place. You don't have to care about this world anymore, you are happy there.

I love you.

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

Inside my room

Boss 1: *holding iPhone* Wah, I must forward this SMS. But, how? 
Me: You should copy and paste.
Boss 2: Huhhh? Cannot forward directly?
Me: Cannot. You should touch and copy, open a new SMS and paste it there.
Boss 1: So how how? I must copy and paste?
Me: Yes.
Boss 1: Wah, not friendly.
Everyone: ...
Boss 1: I should give this to ****. It's about site safety.
Me and Friend: *burst out laughing* I thought you want to give the phone to **** because it is not user friendly.
Boss 1: *laughing* No, I mean the SMS. 

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

...to have some friends?

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

Finding a car lot inside the carpark

Friend 1: This one, can turn left or not?
Friend 2: Hmm, ahhh, can can can! Just turn, just turn!
Friend 1: Got lot ah?
Friend 2: Don't have
Me and Friend 3: ... *then burst out kaughing*

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

While choosing the interior finishing of the office.

Boss 1: I think we can have carpet for our welfare room. Only our team will use the room.
Boss 2: Oh, okay. So what colour do you want?
Boss 1: *thinking* Febrina, you choose. You are in the welfare committee.
Me: *speechless* *I never know such a committee exists*


U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

... is killing me

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

When I am too old to create more memories with you, I wish I can have this place at the corner of my mind that contains only you and me...

I wish, I really do...

Is there any space for both of us, only both of us?

You can say that I am unreasonable, but this is heart matter that sometimes cannot be argued over...

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

Yes I do.

Imagine when you had your iphone screen protector peeled off out of nowhere and found that the real screen protector was actually there, and you felt very happy.
That's the silver lining I found yesterday.

And I wonder whether that was just one of so many ways God used to convey the message to me that I should be thankful for every single thing in my life, either good or bad.

Brighter life is waiting for me down there, and I am not too far away.
Yes, a few more steps.

God loves me, and so do I.

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

How I felt like giving up in one second is a story, but how you made me fall in love with you once more is a miracle...

I do hope we can fit into each other like a key and a forelock... I do hope that we can complete each other like coffee and sugar... And I do hope we can attract each other over and over like the earth and the sun... I do hope, yes I do hope that we are meant for each other...

Love is indeed beautiful...

Let's put our hardest effort for our love, our relationship, our life, and our future...






U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

Just like a waterfall, my tears kept falling
When my tears created a pond, I still kept crying
When the tears eroded the soil, they could still hear me sobbing
And the soil broke, my tears flew down the path of the river


I kept crying
Until the whole world drowned inside the ocean of my tears


My ocean, my own ocean
And I was drowned inside, with the whole world

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

Life has become so quiet recently.

When we don't talk and just stare at each other's name, it becomes much more quiet.

Can we talk or whatever, just like long long time ago?

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

Quote of the day from a friend:

If someone give me the rose, I'll marry him...

Awwww, the rose is indeed beautiful.

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

I have a niece and she is super cuteeeee~~~

Ngeliat Kay lagi duduk manis, agak bingung
Me: Kaykay lagi ngapainnn?
Kay: Makan jagungggg *padahal lagi ngelotokin kulit pisang*
Me: Pisanggggg, bukan jagung...
Kay: Oooooh, pisangggg...
Me: Kaykay lagi ngapain?
Kay: Makan jagungggg 
*GUBRAK*

Lagi duduk hadap-hadapan sama Kay
Kay: Ii, itu gigi ii kenapaa? *sambil menjulurkan tangan mau pegang gigi saya*
Me: Ii pake kawat gigi... Kaykay mau juga?
Kay: *ngangguk sambil senyum-senyum blushing*


Di restoran, Kay lari-larian sampe jatuh di belakang kursi saya
Me: Kay, sakit ngga?
Kay: *dengan muka tanpa dosa* Ngga *langsung berdiri dan lari lagi*
*speechless*

Kay liat saya siap-siap mau pergi
Kay: Ii mau ke manaa?
Me: Mau pergi makan, Kaykay mau ikut?
Kay: Ngga
Me: Dadaaahhhh
Kay: Dadaaaah, lama-lama yaaa~~~
Me: *dalam hati merasa seperti tidak diinginkan bahkan oleh seorang anak kecil*

Kay lagi liat-liat foto album
Kay: Ii ini di mana?
Me: Di Sinciapo
Kay: Oooh, kalo ini?
Me: Ini di Malaysia...
Kay: Bukan, ini di ciakpo, ini juga di ciakpo, ini juga~~~
Me: *oh, oke whatever*

Di ruang tamu
Me: Somewhereee~~~~ *nyanyi lagu Beyond the Sea*
Kay: iyo ye siiiii *lanjutin nyanyi*
Me: *terkejut anak kecil nyanyi lagu bahasa inggris*
Lalu dia lanjut nyanyi lagi
Kay: Cakweeeeee
Sis: Oiii, bukan cakwe, sayang~~~~
Kay: Hihihi *ketawa malu-malu*
Me: *dot dot dot*

Setelah kacamata saya jatuh ditarik sama Kay
Me: *marahin Kay sampe berbusa-busa*
Kay: *peluk dedek saya* Ah, Kaykay mau bobok!

Suatu percakapan antara Kay dan kokonya, Ray
Ray: Tadi pas Yeye tidur, yeye denger ada suara, suara apa itu?
Kay: Itu suara lobil, tauuukkkk? *sotoy*

Ngeliat kasur ditumpuk di atas ranjang, mata Kay langsung berbinar-binar mau maen
Kay: Posotannn!!!!
Me: Bukan, jangan maen ah! Nanti jatuh...
Kay: *bandel, tetep manjat-manjat naek ranjang* Kaykay mau maen posotannn
Lalu, 4 orang jagain di ujung kasur yg menjuntai dr ranjang, takut dia jatuh
Kay: *merasa main perosotan, mulai ngeluncur* Awwwww
Semua orang speechless tingkat dewa


I love my naughty Kaykay!!!!

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

#1 Birthday

Talking about birthday, someone asked me what I had for my 21st birthday. It took me some time to gather back the memory and I realized I didn't have any celebration for my 21st, which people said as the turning point from a teenage to an adult. I felt the sadness, yes. I felt no one cared about me, yes. But, I have let go my 21st, and maybe my 22nd, 23rd, and 24th. I must be contented, at least God gives me the blessings I need. Birthday celebration is just a yearly bonus, so if I don't get it, let it be!

#2 Marriage

My friend told me that the price of the wedding ring should be two to three times the guy's salary. When I heard about that, I was like, "Huh? What the hell?". I'd rather get a super grand wedding banquet instead of getting a ring that deppreciates throughout the time. I still stick to my original plan: to get a cruise wedding! The ring may be just ordinary, but the party should be a real huge party until everyone's jaw drops to the bottom of the sea. I want my wedding to be remembered by any one of my guests, not only me and my future husband. So I will book a cruise for 2 days 1 night and hold a all-night-and-day-long party!!!

#3 Job

Having a job doesn't mean you are doing your work. Being inside the working world for almost 5 months, I have been witnessing with my own eyes that some people are just collecting their salary without doing anything and the rest who do all the shit jobs for them get less pay slip. Life is really unfair. And some bosses don't really pay attention to their staffs and in the end, they push the wrong people up and leave the one who deserves promotion and pay increment at the lower end. Life is unfair.

#4 People

Inside the construction site, I get a chance to see those less privileged people that need to work day and night to bring back some amount of money back home, and I really feel that I am blessed. I know I need to squeeze my brain juice out to earn money, but they squeeze their tears, sweats, and bloods to earn the living. And inside my new office, I met a nice Bangladesh cleaner. He is so polite and hardworking. He always greets me every morning, and he even waved to me when I went off yesterday. I hope he can bring back a good money for his family back there.

#5 Laughter

Today the atmosphere inside the office was pretty tense, but a few funny things happened and still tickled my brain until now. My SPE said she would be very willing to promote me if I could show the courage to kick this particular manager, as I had said before. I was laughing so hard and I still did when I thought about that. And the funniest thing was the nickname we established for a contractor guy: SOTONG!!! I can't stop laughing when I think about it.

#6 Life

I don't know whether I am living a right life right now. My days are totally for works, from 8.30 to beyond 6.00pm and when I get back home, I will continue what I have been doing in the office. I always bring the leftover back. Actually I enjoy working at home a lot, but today when I think back, it seems that something is not right. I missed a lot of chances to update my blog, my facebook status, or even chat with my friends. I want my life back. But I think this is my life?

#7 Quote

The whole day, this sentence keep popping inside my mind: They say friends come and go, but once you decide to come into my life, I will never let you go. I love my besties, and I miss them!

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

When I let go, God granted me more than what I expected. I was so blessed!

I hope I can continue to think positively and feel this kind of blessing. I know God loves me, and I LOVE HIM TOO!

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

I wasn't in my best condition these three days. Ros kept saying I looked pale and Shihui kept asking whether I was alright. On the other side of the world, mom and bf kept asking me whether I had felt any better. Although I was feeling sick, I was so thankful because I had people who worried about me. I am blessed, as usual!

I admit that I was very upset to know that everyone got their pay adjustment, except me. I was sooo upset, until I questioned myself: "What was my honors for? In the end, I just get as much as the one who achieved second upper class?"

But then, when I think back, I already have so many things that people don't have. God has blessed me with so many things that other people don't have or wish to have, yet I still feel disappointed with His care, I still felt He's unfair. I am so bad, I can't be satisfied. Please forgive me, Dear God.

I want to be more contented and be thankful for everything. If I get no pay adjustment, so be it. I will work harder for my increment and work even harder to achieve my goal. I don't want to be bothered by these small and unimportant things. I hope I can. :):):)


U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

What a day!

I never imagined I would wake up not feeling very well, vomitted when I showered, forced myself to go to work, felt worse with every step I took, and nearly fainted in Tanah Merah MRT platform. Thank's God there is safety door in that platform. If there wasn't any, I would be just a name by this time.

And thank's God again for the care I got from Ros and Shihui. It was really touching to see them worrying about me.

I felt very bad for the whole day: back ache, headache, stomach ache, everything. It was just very bad! But again, thank's God that someone had Panadol and was willing to share one tablet to me.

I had no desire to work today, but I managed to finish what I was supposed to finish and I felt grateful. I also managed to tidy up my table and checked all the stationaries. I've marked my own file folders with labels and I printed more drawings.

But then, this document controller came and gave me two stacks of documents.

Oh yeah, my table will not be tidy.

I hope I can go to work tomorrow. Sickness, please go away, I beg you.

And I will be going back to NTU once more!
I am happy :)

I want to meet my dearest Prof. Anthony Goh.

Although it's so far from Expo to NTU, I will have a fun journey I guess.

Life is beautiful to the max!!!! :)

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

Sometimes I feel a great hatred towards Sunday, not because the next day is a working day, but it's just because I still need to wait for another five days to hold you in my arms...

And today, I felt it...

I hate it...

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

Time flies, really, time flies. It's already October, which means I am going to welcome my 5th month of works here. I can't believe how everything turned out to be so wonderful at the right time. I still remember how I used to whine and whine and whine about how miserable I felt during the first two months of my work: I had nothing to do except reading the documents without even being able to picture them inside my head, I lost against my course mates in getting the awards and valedictorian speech, I felt project management wasn't a right choice for me, I considered to quit and walk back to design firm, I almost lost my spirit to go to the office as days passed by.

However, God is good, GOD IS SO GOOD!!! He sent me some savior: colleagues, friends, and so many people that I could talk to and ask for suggestions. And He gave me the strength and the courage to create my own miracle. God was working so hard to let me out of my own confusion THROUGH HIS MESSENGERS. Thanks for all the people, you are indeed my God's messengers!!!

And since then, my working life rotated one hundred eighty degrees to the other quadrant. Happiness always visited me since then and I had so many motivations to wake up and get to work every morning. The office was still the same, but the atmosphere was truly different. Different people with different spirit created a different working environment. I kept telling myself, "I am blessed!" and yes I was, I am, and I will be...

August and September were really a fruitful time for me. I coped for so many things during both months till I felt so tired and exhausted, but there's a happiness inside my heart that I couldn't deny. During these two months, my works were piling up and I increased my study load day by day and now when I looked back, I just can't help to smile from ear to ear, I am happy to be busy, yes I am.

And 28th September 2011 was the day. I went through the Fundamental of Engineering Examination. Although I am not sure whether I can pass the exam, I am grateful that God has equipped me with so many strength and encouragement to go through the process. Although in the state of nervousness, I felt so loved by seeing my friends sending me encouragements before my test, and of course I felt so thankful for bf who accompanied me studying during the weekends and kept assuring me that I would win in the battlefield. Yes, at least I have done my best, and God will do the rest for me now. I hope I don't fail my exam, but if I fail, I know that I die in glory. Thanks, my dear God.

My August-September journey is closed with something so wonderful. I am inside the Dean's List one more time! I already think that I wouldn't get it since I didn't get any award during the convocation, and when I read the mail, I felt my heard jumping and jumping so high until my chest going to explode. I feel so loved! At least, my grade was still inside the 5% best among my cohort. I am so happy!!!

And yesterday, I talked with my boss for almost 2 hours. He was so sweet and kind and cute and you-name-it-whatever-it-is. He knew that my desire was in design and I think he is ready to let me go when the time comes. He supported me whole-heartedly for whatever my future would lead me to be. He is really a nice guy: a figure of a father, and I adore him. He's smart, he's fast, he's kind and cool, he has a long term vision, and he always smiles. I will learn a lot from him!!!

I must say a lot of thank you for August and September that have given me a wonderful time. Thanks a lot a lot for nurturing me throughout these two months. I am so much blessed, I am!

I expect more good things to happen in October. I expect myself to grow even wiser and more mature in this month.

I love you, World!

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

When I look back, I realize that it's really a miracle for me to cope on both work and study for these two months. I regularly woke up early in the morning to flip on my notes before going off for work, my work kept me busy from nine to six, and I got back to my notes after working hours. And of course, I still need to set aside some time for bf on the weekends. So, it's really amazing to see how God has equipped me with so much strength and determination for the whole two months.

And now, the exam is over and I can have more time to sleep and more time to play. Thanks God for the blessing before and during the exam, but I want to ask one more thing from You, please don't let my exam fail. Please, I beg You.

Although I am not too sure about my performance just now, I still feel very thankful. At least I have done my best, now let God do the rest. :):):)

I am closing September with a big satisfaction and welcoming October with a great hope. More interesting things are going to happen: more works in the office, novels to read, diet to go through, and fashion apparels to shop.

To do list:
1. Buy 'Sing You Home'
2. Buy Elle bag that I saw in OG two weeks ago
3. Play more 'Pottermore'
4. Ask Ros to load me with more works as she promised :D
5. Lose at least 2kg before 22 October 2011
6. Sleep well

So, welcome Dear October!

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

P.S. I was so happy to meet SJ today!!!!

Tell me what I should do. Two days left before the D-day, and I don't know what to do. The uneasiness popped  up in my mind like mad. I feel so sick to see the books, yet I feel so guilty not to look at them. I want this to end soon. It doesn't mean I hate this situation: this is my choice, so I must bear with it, but the nerves I feel right now is so bad till my heart is going to jump out of its cavity.

I want 28th September 2011 to come faster.

And Dear God, please bless me.

Thank you.

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

In a lonely time on a lonely road, I thought about many things
In a lonely time on a lonely road, I dreamed about many things
In a lonely time on a lonely road, I thanked God about many things

How I can get my life on the right track is still a big question mark. But, let it be. I am here and I am happy with my life. I am thankful with everything I have, even the tedious admin job that I am currently covering.


In a lonely time on a lonely road, I promised to be happy forever

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

My mom suddenly crossed my mind: how she would react if she knew I had been treated like this.

Mom, really sorry...

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

Most of the time, I'm wondering why my feeling is more sensitive towards my closest circle. I am much more sensitive, yes. When they talk or act a little bit unusual or differently from what I expect, I'll turn so black and angry. I don't know why, but it's just my auto-response.

I keep getting angry if I see there's something wrong. I keep showing my black face.

I am so bad to have such a high expectation, aren't I?

Please give me an answer.

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

The feeling I feel is really pleasing me. I am still a fresh graduate, I am still a little girl, but at least people around me are thinking of some ways to guide and let me grow.

I want some responsibilities, I want some roles, I want some contributions, and I want to feel the satisfaction of my achievements. I just don't want to be a big potato sack that earns money for nothing.

I am still very amazed of how God loves me. He sends me so many good souls to lay my path towards a bright future.

I know it's a bit late, but I really want to use this teacher's day as an excuse to write some words for my 'teachers'.

Of course, my first teacher ever are my parents. They have taught me so many things. Even million thanks are not enough to express my gratitude to them. They have worked so hard to lay my path. I will not have my today if not because of their lessons to me. So, really, thank you.

And then, all my school teachers, from kindergarten till university, were all sent by God to help shaping myself. I wont be a bachelor today if they were not on the way. So, again, thank you.

Another thank you I want to arrow to all my friends, especially Lisa, Valen, Renni, Dya, Jesi, Merryn, Savitri, and Vivien. They have taught me that your real friends will always there for you whenever. Although we are not staying together, although we meet very rarely, although we are not spending time together, we are there inside each other's hearts. So, thanks, Friends.

And not forgetting, all the boys that have filled in my life have taught me to be stronger and stronger. And the biggest thanks is of course for my boyfriend who has taught me how to love and to be loved. Thank you, so much thank you.

Not forgetting my fruitful Industrial Attachment experience, I really thank my seniors in AECOM Singapore: Stephen, Shwu Jiuan, C'hng Yih, John, Chandran, Reddy, and other ex-colleagues that can't be mentioned one by one. I learn a lot from them and I really feel grateful for the chance to be one of them, even only for 22 weeks.

Lastly, thanks for my colleagues now in LTA, especially Rosalind. She's like a big sister to me. She teaches me so many things which I cannot learn from anyone else here. And of course, my PM Mr. Ng, he's so nice until I feel like melting. And all the 923 team, I am really grateful. I will work hard to show my thanks. Also, thanks to my new friends in LTA.

Thanks to all my teachers.
You are all God's messengers!!!

I feel the heartache. It's almost nothing but still hurt me so badly. I am ashamed to tell this to anyone, but I just feel offended.

Can you please think about my feeling before you open your mouth???

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

Exactly one month before the big day. I am sure excited. but on the other side, I am scared. I am so blessed to have so many people supporting me and I am so blessed to have been given this power and determination to fight for it. I am so blessed. However, I can't deny that I am afraid of losing this battle. I am afraid that what effort I have put is not enough, I am afraid that I am not equipped well enough, I am afraid that one and another thing will trip my step and make me falling down.

I know God will not let me handle anything that is beyond my strength. I know God will give me the strength and the blessing. But, the feeling of fear still comes anyway.

So, how to be fear free kind of person?
Can I?

Now what I can do is just continue what I have started and fight till the very last second of the battle.

I will make sure if I lose, I will lose and die in glory.

But if possible, I wish I am the one who smiles till the very end.

I will win.
I will be the winner.

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

A guy in Solo was attacked by a group of people that claimed themselves to be the fighter of Islam. Why? Did this guy spit on the roof of a mosque? No. Or did he punch a Muslim? Of course no.

So? What did he do that made these people so angry?

He just happened to wore a T-shirt when he met them, a T-shirt with the wordings: "God, what is your religion?"

When they saw the words printed on the shirt, they confronted the guy to take off his shirt by calling him 'Kafir' over and over. But this guy, thinking that he did nothing wrong, refused to do so. At the end, he just got physically attacked.

To read this kind of thing on the news, I feel very miserable. How can people fight on the name of their God? How can they justify that they did the right thing by attacking the guy that had no business with them? How can they proudly call any other people Kafir? I just can't believe.

What is God? Who is God?

No one knows, including those Front Pembela Islam. So, what's the matter of asking God what is His religion? Even God didn't scold this guy, why should them???

I just think that they are stupid, they never know that the sentence is to bring up the religious harmony. Stupid. Stupid. STUPID. S.T.U.P.I.D.

In my religion, God is Tian, literally means Sky. I don't have enough knowledge to explain what is the philosophy behind this name. But, I believe that God is as big as the sky, borderless, and unreachable. This is just my opinion, and please forgive me if I am wrong. But at least, look at the fact that I am totally agree with any God people worship.

I pray to God, I believe in God. But I really don't understand how those people who claim themselves to be super religious choose to fight on the name of their God instead of live peacefully with other living beings. It's just too sad.

One thing for sure, GOD WILL NOT WANT HIS PEOPLE TO FIGHT OVER HIS NAME.

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

A great morning with a great spirit...

I am happy that I have managed this week without any single anger, disappointment, or tears. I hope I can continue practicing this behavior till the end of my life...

When I am happy, I am sure I can affect people's happiness as well... And when everyone is happy, we will have a much much more beautiful world... So, let's be happy and let's be grateful for everything we have and every single air we breathe...

Life is wonderful...

Ah la la la la la la life is wonderful
Ah la la la la la la life goes full circle
Ah la la la la life is wonderful
Ah la la la la la
(Jason Mraz - Life is Wonderful)

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

I am so excited about my life, nowadays. A lot of tasks to do, a lot of goals to achieve and I love them all.

Although my job is not the ideal job I've been dreaming about, I am on my way to enjoy every single second of it. I will never know when is my last breath, so I am trying to live as if I am going to die tomorrow.

I dream big and I am sure I can achieve my dream with the power of determination. I am going to fight until the end. I am going to sip the happiness I deserve.

I just gotta move like Jagger and rock this world!!!



U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

Aku sadar, aku masih belum bisa mencintaimu dengan cara yang seratus persen tepat. Egoisme yang berlebihan seringkali membuatku terpeleset ke lubang yang sama: pertengkaran. Tapi, Sayang, tak selamanya bertengkar itu salah. Itu hanyalah salah satu cara untuk kita mengekspresikan harapan dan kekecewaan kita. Tak ada kata sempurna, tapi kita sedang berjalan beriringan untuk kesempurnaan itu.

Marilah kita belajar untuk saling mencinta dengan bijaksana, dengan cara yang tepat dan apa adanya. Marilah kita saling percaya dan biarlah cinta kita terus dan terus berkembang hingga akarnya merasuk dan tak akan bisa tercerabut dari hati kita.



U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

It's too much to get me fed up...
The ups and downs...

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

Today when I was walking towards the office, I thought about how blessed I was to be surrounded by magnificent people. God is so good that He sends me a bunch of beautiful souls to linger in my life. My chest is filled up with happiness that it is going to explode and shoot sweets all over the place.

Yes, I am blessed. I am very blessed.

And I am really thankful that I have someone to take care of me when I am this far away from the home. This post, is dedicated to him.

Who is he?

Long time ago, he was my friend.
Now I call him my boy.
Later he will be my guy.
And in the future, I really wish he is my man.

On top of all, he is my teacher, my brother, my guardian, my opponent, my buddy, my love. He is my everything.

Momma said home is where the heart is when you left the town~~~

I don't like being looked down, yet I don't like being judged as good for nothing. I am sure I have my own value, I am sure I am as capable as anyone else on this earth although I am just an Indonesian, I am just 21 years old, or I am just a girl.

No, I am not JUST a girl, I am a girl which I am proud to be. I am as good as any guy. You name it, I'll beat it. I am pretty sure I can.

But, being inside an organization that values guys much higher than girls, I really can't stand but to feel demoralized. I am sick of being looked down as if I can't do any single thing well just because I am born to be a girl. Some even never want to look at me as if I am invisible. Crap.

And you see, I will be stronger than any guy you have here. I will be tougher. I will be the winner, and I will be the one who smile at the end.

I am a girl, but that doesn't mean guys are better than me. I am comparable to them, I even can exceed their standard. So watch out your mouth!!!

You're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

There is still 1 month and 10 days for me to be in this state and each day, the syndrome is getting worse. I don't know what it is, but I call it guilty syndrome. Yes, wherever I go, whatever I do, I feel so guilty of not holding my books and notes. I need to study and whenever I don't do so, the bell inside my head starts ringing and telling me that I slack too much.

I want this 28 September come faster, but I am afraid I cannot finish my study.

Oh, Man!!!

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

Whatever I say, whatever I do, there's no point for us to agree...

So...

Should I just shut this f***ing mouth up?

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

Berdiri kita di titik yang sama, di bawah langit yang sama
Bernapas dengan oksigen yang sama


Tapi
Apakah masih sama isi hati kita?


Ketika bumi terus dan terus berputar
Kita ikut berputar-putar di dalamnya
Begitu juga cinta kita
Dan hidup kita


Aku dan kamu, kita sedang diaduk-aduk di dalam wajan besar
Isinya segala macam benda segala macam warna
Air yang panas membakar kulitku
Benda-benda bertubrukan dengan tubuhku
Aku tergores, luka, dan berdarah
Aku hancur


Dan kau
Aku tak tahu lagi di mana dirimu
Terlalu banyak benda-benda warna warni di antara aku dan kamu


Apakah dirimu terluka?
Apakah kulitmu tersayat?


Apakah kamu mencari aku?


U're the best I've ever had 
~FeN~

After a long and tiring weekdays, I thought we would have some fun over ourselves... But now I realize, I will just get another day of lonely time...

And sometimes I asked myself, "Do I really have someone?". The answer is absolutely yes, but the guy is just too far from where I am. He's in the different world.

Can I summon him and get back what once I had?

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

Here we arrive again, at the month where most Muslims are trying to resist their temptation to food and drink during the day. It has been 10 days since the first day of Ramadan this year. This fasting month is actually to simulate how human should bear themselves from all sort of bad deeds.

I am never against this idea of fasting. I have experienced days when I should not eat or drink in front of public since I was told to 'respect' those who were fasting.

That time, I was just a little girl. I didn't think that much. I just did so. I stopped eating my lunch box at class, I drank my water only when no Muslim friends were around.

Even the canteens or restaurants were closed on the day and just opened after the break fast time. If there were some shops opened, the front of the shop should be covered so that people could not see all the foodies inside.

And since I have moved to Singapore, there's no such thing as respecting people who were fasting in that way. The thing was just respecting each other. I respect your fasting day, and you respect my freedom to eat and drink.

I have never thought about this, but sure I preferred this way, not because I became free to eat and drink, but just because this should be the way. I am sure fasting is meant for the Muslims to pull themselves to the limit of resisting the temptations. If everyone just did the same thing, it had no meaning at all.

So, when I read the articles that Indonesian Broadcast Commission wanted to ban all the culinary shows during the fasting time, I felt so embarrassed on my own country. What the hell is this, I am asking myself. Why every single thing should be adjusted to their life style? I am embarrassed, really really embarrassed by their thin determination to fast.

I have a Muslim friend here, and he's totally okay with everything, He never demands for any special treatment during Ramadan. He still goes to site as what he's supposed to do. He still does his full time job and never wants earlier time off. And he even follows his colleagues to the coffee shop for tea time. And I think, this is the real fasting people should do: stick to the daily activities, but don't eat and drink.

Indonesia, can you learn anything?

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

Once daddy told me,


I am proud that my Daddy is a big man...
He knows what to give me...
No money, no property, no gold, but knowledge...

I am sure he knows that I will sure survive this cruel world with my knowledge, not with tons of gold or money...

Daddy...

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

God will not throw the miracle in front of you and say, "Here it is! Enjoy!" yet you must aim for it, fight for it, and reach it with your both hands. There won't be such a miraculous thing if you just sit and wait, like a big potato sack. You should realize that you need the miracle, step out of your comfort zone, and put your best effort until the last minute and second.

But I believe, yes I do believe, that God lends His hands throughout the miracle-seeking journey. So many helps will be sent out. You will realize that there's a way for every single hard time that you pass. You just get the strength and courage you need at the right time, you find the ear and the mouth you wish at the right time, and you see various ways God helps you, IN THE RIGHT TIME!

I have experienced it myself, and there's no doubt about it. GOD WILL HELP YOU, BUT YOU MUST BE THE ONE WHO FIGHTS TILL THE VERY LAST BREATH.

So, let's find our own miracle!

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

It's like, umm, so hard to achieve common understanding... What I want and what you want is totally different... When none of us is going to step back, everything will not work... We will be stuck, yes, stuck... We will be stuck here in the limbo, without knowing that we need to reflect and change... Don't you mind if we sit back and talk heart to heart? Don't you mind not getting angry for any single thing I say? Don't you mind being a little bit wiser? I am tired and my heart is tired. I am trapped, stuck, I cannot move. Please release this chain that tangles me, please work together with me with the love once we have...

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

Ketika kita sudah tak bisa saling menyapa dalam suka
Dan kata-kata berubah wujud jadi amarah
Apakah ada ruang untuk kita berdua?






U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

Twenty six minutes past eight in the morning and I have fully waken up. Although I am not going to work, I can't just continue sleeping until the sun climbs up high. I am just a stupid light sleeper.

While waiting for the time to go to Changi and fetch my family, I think about so many things.

I think about my convocation, which is not very pleasurable for me. I know I haven't gone through it, but I am sure that my heart will hurt to see the award giving ceremony. You may call me jealous, and I admit, yes I am. Everything has been so near for me, but all of a sudden, an invisible hands grasped them and left me alone standing there, waiting. I kept praying, waiting, and believing for the past 5 months, and I am not sure whether another 5 month time can heal the pain. I am heartbroken. You may call me whiner, because I post the same thing over and over. And I proudly admit, yes, I am. I don't want to nag people with my lame failure story, so I just tell everything to my blog. It's not wrong, isn't it?

I think about my eyes. What a body I have: allergic nose, allergic skin, allergic eyes. Maybe I should wear that kind of astronaut outfit to protect myself completely. Haha. Finally after so many rounds of phone conversation with Tan Tock Seng, they managed to get me a slot. And the stupid thing was that the mis-recognized me. I have been put under Singapore citizens/PR queue under so long, but actually I am under foreigner. The eye specialist was quite friendly and I like him. He kept telling me that I had nothing to worry. Did I look that obvious? I hope I can be okay soon, because having certain pain and disease inside your eyes is super terrifying!

And I also think about bf. He has started working since yesterday. I hope he can perform well and prove himself a good staff to be employed. I am ready to be given lower priority under his career, because I love to see a guy pursuing his career whole-heartedly. It's kind of sexy. Hahahaha.

I can't wait for my family to arrive and we will have fun!
Although the whole 25 days of July wasn't nice to me, I hope the rest of it will treat me great! Because I am already very tired of tears for this whole month.
And August, please be nice to me, I beg youuuu.

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

Seeing my friends getting the glory I should have sipped makes me kind of envious. And foremost, my heart is hurt. I should stand there also, being one of them, that's what I think. I have been working so hard, for 4 years to be one of the award recipient in the convocation, but at the end, I get nothing.

Maybe you are asking, why in the first place I want such a thing? I want to see my parents' eyes glowing with pride and happiness. I want them to see me shining. That's all, no other reason.

However, God didn't grant me this wish. I know He has been so nice with me for my four year journey, but why He didn't bother to grant my last wish in my undergraduate life? I want to send the pride to my parents, why He didn't let me do it?

I have been nominated for 3 things and I get nothing. Even my friends that perform slightly worse than me can get at least one minor award, why can't I?

I know I should not be sad, but the feeling just seeps into my heart like water seeps into the structure through the weak joint.

Please, I need the strength to get my chin up and say congratulation to them, with a full sincerity. I need to be brave and I need to accept that I am not staying above the air forever. I am enough flying and now I am back on the cruel world. I am walking, I am falling down, I am bleeding.

Give me strength. One day, I will sure fly again.

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

I've been walking, walking, and walking so far. When I look back, I realize I have so many things changing in my life.

I've been in love to writing since I was introduced to letters, words, and sentences. But I realize, I leave my hobby for the sake of my study, my grade. I remember those time when I wrote poems almost everyday. I remember those moments when my writing went from hand to hand in the class. I remember those days when everything could be put into words so easily: love, spirit, dream, wish, disappointment, anger, and tears.

Now, I get worse in writing. It become much more difficult to put every little piece of my life into words and sentences. I don't know, it is maybe because of my life gets more complicated, or perhaps because of  I just lost my skill.

I still love it, but it's just too difficult for me right now. :(

Once, I had a dream, to be a novelist. But now, that dream has vanished. And I feel sad. Why can't I hold my dream tightly?

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

I've never imagined I would do it. I was just so outspoken and vocal just now. I didn't know whether I've done the right thing. But what I know is that I am happy that I have spoken everything I felt. I really feel that I have overcome my worst fear.

I still need more blessing, dear God... :)

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

Seeing people get detached makes me shiver. I feel the fear, I feel threatened. Stepping out from the comfort zone is indeed not easy, but I do believe that we need to put the effort to stabilize everything. I hope there will be no pressure from any parties because I will give my love time to prove himself. I am sure he will be a great guy for me and my children.

I love him, and so does he.
We will fight for this love.

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

I know I shouldn't get angry, and I am not angry at all. However the feeling of dissapointment still seeps into this little heart. I think about him in every little thing I do and every single thing I see, and I wonder, do I fill up any voids inside his brain like he does to mine?

I feel like clapping with one of my hand palm only. No reaction from the other one. Of course, there's no sound. No reaction, no response, no this, and no that.

And I wonder if I ever crossed his mind?

I am dreaming of a candle light dinner
Only you and I
Only the light sparkling between our love

I am dreaming of chilling in front of Eiffel Tower
Only you and I
Only the breeze covering our hearts

I am dreaming of you, you, and you
Do you feel the same too?

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

I hate today, really really hate today. I feel like shit. Until now, I still feel like shit. I did wrong, I spoke wrong, I got nothing right.

~~~~~~~~~~

My eyes don't get better. I even feel worse, I think. After I spent most of my day tearing down, I felt more painful. I hope there's nothing wrong with this two little guys.

~~~~~~~~~~

Some words really shot me. And I realize, I shouldn't ask for more. Because, it's not PEPSI. LOL.

~~~~~~~~~~

I love babies and toddlers. They are always lovely, no matter what they are doing. They are angels, white and pure. I love babies and some day later, I will have one, for sure.

~~~~~~~~~~

I want to help, but looks like the person doesn't want to borrow my hand. I dunno. Hmm.

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

I love to listen to love song and happy song
So, is it good to feel love and happiness?

Yes, absolutely!
Quote of the day from dear Ros!!! :D

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

I guess God is trying to tell me that I am not on top of the world. I have been staying above the air so far, and it's time for me to set my foot back on to the world.

I should accept this fate.
At least, I have shot my best effort.

I leave everything for my God to decide.

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

It's love, it's care, it's passion, it's whatever-you-name-it-yourself.

We walked round and round and round before
We held hands and stayed side by side
We sat next to each other
We talked so much
We were happy

Are we happy now?
Do we talk as much as before?
Do we sit down and enjoy our togetherness?
Do we hold each other's tightly and never let go everything?
Do we say thanks for every little step our foot set on this earth?

Yes, we are and we sure will.
Because we have what they call LOVE.

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

After 15 days of working, I have felt so many things. Sometimes I felt excited about so many things that would greet me ahead, but at any other time, I felt so down and miserable like I had chosen the wrong path for my future.

I have stepped out of my comfort zone, I realize. There's no more lectures and tutorial classes to attend, there's no more IndoCEE pals to have lunch with, there's no more shuttle bus here and there, there's no more time to meet bf every single day, there's no more cheap food and room, there's no more scholarship, there's no more flexibility and freedom.

My life is now very straight forward: wake up in the morning, take a shower, have some breakfast, walk to the bus stop, catch the bus, walk to the site office, start reading, go for lunch, continue reading, walk back to the bus stop, catch the same bus back home, walk back to my new home, have my dinner, take another shower, and sleep. The cycle has been repeated for three weeks and the boredom makes my mind thinks more and more about life.

I am thankful that I get great colleagues in the office. I make a great 'click' with Rosalind. She's a great pal. She shares a lot of things with me and helps me finding my real position in the company, although I haven't felt any of it. I also feel very thankful that I can met Mr. Nam Seng. He shares with me so many stories about working in this company and he tells me so many things that I never know. I am also very grateful to meet Rajesh. He explains to me so many technical and non-technical working stuffs. He looks very cold at the first glance, but he is friendly inside. And of course, I have Mr. Quek, Mr. Wong, and contracts people downstairs. I am grateful.

However, I often think that I am walking in the wrong path.

• This is not design job. I learnt design for almost four years.
• I need to go to the site very often. I am a girl and I am concerned about my look.
• I get an above standard pay. I do almost nothing in three weeks.

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

Quote of the day:
Water will always find its way

And I will sure will find my way, too... Although there are some barriers in front of me, I will reach the success... Although the path may be a bit long, I will still find what I want... I will grab my dream and be the winner...

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

Now I feel a bit tired of my life, seriously. So many things come in one go and I can't take it. I barely stand now. My feeling gets hurt very easily, I change my thought and determination just like pressing the next button on my ipod, and my prejudice for people around me gets more serious. I feel like walking on a piece of rotten wood. I can fall any time, without any warning.

My future is not clear yet. There are still a lot of junctions ahead for me to choose. I never know which one I will walk on later, and I never know whether I will walk on the right way. Then, I keep thinking about it. So many possibilities, one destination: success. But I don't know which turn to take, when to speed up, and how to overcome the obstacles. And I am very tired.

The relationships I have with people are getting very weird. I know there are a lot of talks behind my back, but I keep smiling in front of them. Why? I don't know. I am tired of playing a nice role while no one actually thinks I am nice. People never think about my feeling, but why should I? I can't have what I want, but why should I entertain everyone? I am tired of being the loser. I am tired of tears and angers. I am tired to hold on this big burden.

And I really need love now. People that really love me are just too far away. Can I stretch out my hands and reach you all? I just want to hug you and get a little bit of peace.

At the end of this post, my tears roll down like a stream. I don't know why. Silly girl.

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

I said before that I didn't care about it anymore. But deep inside, my heart was still longing for that glory. I wanted the pride, for my family, for my boyfriend, for myself. I wanted the prize, to help her.  I wanted it so badly, and I thought my qualification would satisfy the jury. I was confident that I would get it.

But now I realize, I was just too overconfident. I am not as good as I thought before. I am not superior. I am just happened to be selected.

My overconfidence gave me a pair of wings, The wings made me fly. I flied so high. And now the fact shot the arrow and broke my wings. I fell down.

Yes, I fell down.
And it hurts so badly.

I don't know what to do. Should I keep wishing upon it? Should I give up?

Although my brain still pictures a happy ending, I know I should give up.
I should be happy, because happiness is a choice.

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

Today is the seventh day of my new job and I feel no different as an intern. I know nothing, I know nothing, I know nothing.

My PM asked me to read through all the documents and drawings for my project. He even asked me to read through all the method statements for last project. I am so saturated of reading. I want to work. I guess experience is the best teacher, much better than words and stuffs.

He'll be on leave tomorrow and I guess no one will give me any work to do. I will be experiencing another one and half week of boredom. I hope someone will bring me to the site and kill the time. I am tired of sitting and chewing the documents.

Actually, I miss AECOM so much now. I miss Stephen, Shwu Jian, Ch'ng Yih, John, and even the cold-looking receptionist! I miss PLAXIS, I miss GIBR, I miss excel spreadsheet, and I miss the overtime work. I want to get the trust again and be loaded with works.

I hope my PM will get me some work load later. I want to learn. I want to move on from this zero state. I want to be alive, I want to get back my life. Shoo, Zombiness!

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

It's raining very hard as if the sky is pouring down all of his sadness. The thunder keeps shouting to tell the anger. And the clouds surround the sky like trying to hold it tight, and says, "It's okay, Baby. Just cry, just shout, do everything you want. Rainbow will sure come."

After listening, the sky continue to flood the earth with its tears.

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

I wonder, why people like to give me cold face...
Or, is it just my prejudice?

I hope this is just a nightmare...
Because...
My heart is torn apart over and over...

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

Settle down is a bit difficult, I guess. After a big moment in my life, which was the FYP presentation, I started to move on to the next phase of my life. I finished my job for DnD, I moved out from my room in NTU, I moved in to another room in Serangoon, and then I went to Thailand for a break.

Yes, it's a great escape and a great graduation trip. Although I didn't have the graduation trip with my friends, at least I had one, and it's enough. I love my family so much!

And, I have officially started the new chapter of my life: working life. Today is already the fourth day for me to wake up really early, take a quick shower, rush to the bus stop, board the bus 153, sit sleepily inside the bus, alight at Spanish Village bus stop, walk to the site office, and read the tender documents for all day long. I must say that I hope I will get busy soon because I really don't like sit down and do nothing. I will finish my reading tomorrow and ask for some works starting next Monday.

You know, this days remind me to my first few weeks of internship. I had nothing to do, I kept reading, facebook-ing, and email-ing Huili! And I miss all of them, including my slow computer. Haha.

But I am thankful that I find nice people in the office. Rosalind always gives me advices that make my brain keeps thinking. Uncle Nam Seng (I really want to call him Uncle, but I don't dare haha) explains so many things to me that keep my eyes open for things I never know. And the girls downstairs are so friendly with me. I hope I can be happy working here, eventhough I don't think that I want to do project management for my whole life. I still want to do my own event organizing company! XD

And another think I am thankful with, is my result for this semester. It's really a blessing that I can touch the finish line with a perfect movement. Thanks a lot, Prof. Anthony Goh! And thanks a lot, my dear Buddha.

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

Today is the last day of my stay in NTU. I will be moving out at 4.30pm and settle down in Serangoon for the next one year, at least. I hope my new home is enjoyable. :)

I know God has a good plan for me. And I am ready to wear my best pair of shoes and walk on the path.

One and half hour before the moving time.
Packing: 99% done! :D

Moving out, moving in, moving on...

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

I am gonna remember his words:
"Being happy is a choice. So be content and think positively for any happening that comes in life."

I want to put a great effort to be wiser.

I really want to be the one who can smile although she faces an unfortunate event.
I really want to be the one who can forgive any single mistake people have done.
I really want to be the one who can avoid grudge, selfishness, and self-centeredness.
I really want to be the one who can give everything she has without hoping anything in return.

I really want to be a better person.

I know it's still a long way to go. I am just a normal girl with so many defects. I grumble a lot, I hardly feel satisfied about any of my achievements, I am pissed off most of the time, I hold grudge, I put prejudice in others. But I want to change and I will change.

First small step towards the goal: no quarrel against bf in a month time.

I hope I can. Amen.

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

Aku mau jatuh cinta lagi
Tapi aku hanya mau jatuh dalam pelukanmu

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

The last battle for my undergraduate life, yes.
I am almost reaching the finish line, and I can't wait for this afternoon to come.

I know God will give me the strength, I believe.

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

Today is the day of my last exam in my last semester.


Actually, I don't really like Exam Hall C. I don't know why, I just have a not-really-good-feeling about this place. But, I try to think positively. This is the third time I have my exam in Hall C. The first one gave me B+, the second one gave me A-, and of course, I'll get A this time. You see the relationship, right? Haha. :D

However, I am not thinking about my last exam now. I am thinking what is waving to me beyond that! Holiday!
Yes, and tonight is the start of my holiday.

1. I will start packing my stuffs tonight
2. I will go to bookstore and find 'Sing You Home' tomorrow
3. I will go for a foot massage tomorrow
4. I will have a movie and good food tomorrow, maybe
5. I will go back to Indo on Thursday
6. I will start to prepare for my presentation in Indo
7. I will create the props and video for DnD in Indo
8. I will live my last lazy holiday to the fullest
9. I will try to find some good books in Indo
10. I will settle everything about Palzzz BBQ
11. I will be a graduate soon

Yeah, life is sure beautiful. I hope everything will work out as planned. I want to end my undergraduate life with a big big smile.

And now, get back to CV 4251: Civil Engineering Construction Technology!
I love this subject and I love Prof. Tarek and Dr. Budi. They are great in teaching. They are knowledgeable. They are experts in their area. And they create good environment and stimulus for learning.
Thanks!
And please, give me a good grade. :D

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

Finally, after long continuous days of drought, God shows us mercy... It rains, rains so heavily in the early morning of 10th May 2011...

I guess the joy of feeling the breeze, listening to the sound of the rain, and watching the lightning is not just mine... We are all so happy for the heavy rain... Yes, it's just great...

Thanks, God...

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

I am afraid...



U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~

It's exactly one week before I finish off my last exam of my last semester. Yes, exactly one week and I will be free for two weeks before having my FYP oral presentation. After that, there will be a series of activities that I've planned. I can't wait, of course I can't.

I will be going back to my hometown, Palembang, on 12th May 2011. It was a regret that I missed the sale fare of the tickets. As a result, I chose to fly to Jakarta before flying back to Palembang. It will be a long and boring journey, for sure. But, the final destination should keep me awake, I guess.

Then, I will be coming back to this little red dot on 21th May 2011. I hope Renni will come with me. She said she wanted a holiday before starting her training as future university teacher. :)

Either 23rd or 24th May 2011, there will be the first CEE Programme Advisory Committee Meeting. I am the representative from Civil Engineering, and I really can't wait to meet those professors and people in the industry. I hope I will not create a shame to the School of CEE. :D

And of course, 24th May 2011 is my big day: presentation. My hard work for year long will be presented in 15 minute powerpoint slide shows. I really hope that I make use the 15 minutes well. I want to get both As from my supervisor and my moderator. Prof. Anthony Goh and Dr. Budi, if you read this, can you grant my wish?

In the afternoon of 24th May 2011, my IndoCEE mates and I will have a phototaking session to mark the end of our university time. We hope that we will be getting back the sweet memories when we are looking at those photos in the future. Or maybe, we can show them to our children, as well.

Either in the evening of 24th or 25th May, I will have a gathering with my fellow PalzzzNTU friends. We have been here for four years, so we would like to say proper good bye to this second home of us. I feel rather distant with them now, and I'm kinda missing the togetherness that we used to have years back. I hope I can feel it again although it's just for one night.

Without further a do, I will move out from the hall as soon as I finish my farewell with NTU. I will be moving out to Block 236 Serangoon Avenue 3 on 25th or 26th May 2011. A complete good bye to Hall of Residence 6. Thank you for sheltering me for the full 4 years of my undergraduate life.

And 27th May 2011 will be very exciting as well. The CEE Graduation Dinner and Dance 2011 in Marina Mandarin Hotel. Yeah, I am so excited. I hope the event will turn out to satisfy everybody since we have worked so hard to make it happen. I'm praying.

Right after the event, we will have the Thank You Lunch on 28th May 2011 for the committee members and the helpers of CEE DnD. We plan to have a good buffet. Nyummmm.

The schedule hasn't finished yet. I will attend PINTU Prom Night in the evening of 28th May 2011, to say farewell to my Indonesian friends. Yes, we have been in NTU for 4 years and I am grateful to meet all of them.

The next day, a.k.a 29th May 2011, I will show my new room to my family. Yes, they are coming over. Yuhuuu, I am happy. And maybe we will have some strolling here and there in Singapore before heading to Bangkok.

Bangkok? Yes. Bangkok. We have planned to have a holiday in Thailand for 6 days, starting from 30th May 2011. We will go to Pattaya, Bangkok, and Phuket. I hope that this one will be a fun holiday for all of us. I still hope that bf can join us. I am praying, praying, praying. Day and night.

We will be coming back to Singapore at the midnight of 4th June 2011. We will be having some leisure in Singapore for one more day before getting back tor our own business.

My family will head back to Jakarta on 6th June 2011 and I will start my first job on the same day. Yeah, I will be entering a completely different world that day. So, a number of activities to do before working is a good choice, I think. :)

I am a busy busy person.

Now let's get back to the study.
Happy Exam!!!

U're the best I've ever had
~FeN~